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Married life

(37 Posts)
Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 13:45:27

I've name changed for this. I mainly lurk reading threads and this has made me really think about my relationship with DH and our intimacy. We very rarely have sex because of me, the truth is I can never summon up the energy to do it. We have 2 young DCs 4 & 6 and both work full time, I'm always knackered and feel very claustrophobic. I can tell when DH wants to have sex as he starts to be more touchy ie cuddle me but I get annoyed because I know it's because he wants sex rather than just hugs. When I'm trying to get ready in the morning for work if he sees me naked or in underwear he grabs me which irritates me cos we're in a rush and I have to push him away.

This is terrible of me isn't it? Do people really have sex loads? Is there something wrong with me? sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 13:51:35

It's not terrible of you. You have to be very straight with him and tell him that, whilst you love him and like being intimate, it's a BIG turn-off that you only gets hugs if he want sex and it is not nice to be groped either. What would get you more in the mood ... and this is the key part ... would be if you were a lot less tired and if there was a bit more romance. Set him the challenge how you (plural) can achieve both... clue... sharing household chores more equally, you having more time out to relax, making more effort to do special things as a couple without the DCs, affectionate behaviour without the expectation of sex etc.

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:00:50

Thanks Cogito sounds like good advice. We're out tonight without DCs and whilst I'm looking forward to it I'm also dreading that he will 'expect' sex and that kind of spoils it.

Jan45 Fri 25-Oct-13 14:00:58

If you are always knackered then he needs to help you more with the house and kids, then maybe you'll be more likely to be up for it. I know I couldn't be in a sexless relationship but if I was exhausted all the time then maybe I would be like you.

He's not choosing a good time to grab and grope you is he - can't you get an evening without the kids where you can both focus on each other?

Not having sex with your partner is not good and the longer the lack of it goes on the worst it will feel.

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:05:29

Thanks Jan45 as I thought but he believes he does loads and he does do stuff.

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 14:16:59

When I'm trying to get ready in the morning for work if he sees me naked or in underwear he grabs me which irritates me cos we're in a rush and I have to push him away.

This reminds me of exH. Not good. sad
I think it's a form of control, and of abuse, actually.
It is as if they know they are unwelcome and they'll get pushed away, but they do it anyway.

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:24:18

Blimey Lweji really? Why would someone do that? I dread him seeing me naked and find it stressful eg if he's in bed when I'm getting ready I'll try and get dressed somewhere else to avoid the grab!

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 14:27:31

He would also only come any close if he wanted sex.
He'd often grab me sexually when we cuddled, even if I asked him not to, and even when DS came into bed with us.

His pestering led me to lose all sexual interest in him.

Are you sure it is your problem and that you are knackered?

Andy1964 Fri 25-Oct-13 14:36:08

Hang on hang on!
There is nothing wrong with finding your naked/semi naked wife attractive and want to have a quick squeeze in the morning while getting ready for work.
Often my DW will pull me back into bed as im on my way out for a kiss and a cuddle. It makes me late but hey, id rather a kiss and cuddle with my DW before i go to work than be on time to be honest!
It's not wrong! what would u have him do? Ignore you?

I feel the issue here is having the time to properly be together without interruptions and without being tired.
You have two young DC and it will be difficult to find that time to be private when you are both less tired.
Change things up a bit so you can both get some well deserved R&R, we all know it's hard work bringing up children and thats without having to work full time.
Early nights, weekend lay ins (take it in turns) or go back to bed at the weekend after the kids are sorted.
Never pass up an opportunity to have a rest when and where you can.

When you are both feeling less tired then you will both be more ready and able for some bedtime fun.

The bad news....you may have a few more years of this till the children are a bit more independant.

REST! both of you, first and foremost 'cos it won't work if your both knackered.

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:37:52

I don't know whether it really is me but would assume so as I am the one avoiding it. Interestingly though, I do find him quite claustrophobic as he is very 'involved' in our life but surely he should be confused. He'll text saying things like 'kids need a bath tonight'. If I want to nip down the road to post a letter he will say something like 'don't do it now I'll do it tomorrow/later'. Not sure if this is relevant, just thought I would mention it

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 14:38:31

"There is nothing wrong with finding your naked/semi naked wife attractive "

Big difference between finding attractive and pawing/groping when it's clearly not wanted.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 14:39:29

He texts about baths? Is it involvement or do you feel obliged to obey?

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:39:53

Thanks Andy

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:47:51

Cogito def feel obliged to obey but then again I'm like that. However, I think that's the problem - I'm annoyed with him in a passive aggressive way and can't get out of it.

Andy we do have sleep ins at the weekends but I'm still knackered maybe I'm just not very energetic?

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 14:49:57

See, the difference is going for a kiss and a cuddle vs going for a grab (only) - and ignoring you the rest of the time - or just grabbing.
Worlds apart.

I love getting a kiss or a hug even if I'm on a hurry. Not being gropped and having to struggle to let go, IYSWIM. Particularly when I have said many times I don't like it...

I also find his text about baths, and the way he phrases about you going to the post office, on the controlling side.

Vivacia Fri 25-Oct-13 14:57:56

I don't think there's any need to jump to LTB conclusions (not that anyone is). Firstly I think you need to tell him that his touching you sexually when it is uninvited is to stop. Secondly I think you need to think about building the intimacy in your relationship - his support in giving you time to relax and recharge your batteries and a moratorium on sex so that physical contact is loving and without the worry of leading to sex.

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 15:00:14

That makes sense to me Vivacia I shall do that. Off to do the school run smile

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 15:03:45

I agree with Vivacia in that you should perhaps be more assertive about what you like and what you don't, including about his comments, and "disobey" sometimes or disagree.
Then see what his reaction is.

Nottalotta Fri 25-Oct-13 15:11:00

But with regard to tonight - i would see a night out as a good natural lead up to sex with my husband. You spend time together, you're relaxed, you might have a glass of wine.......and so on. Why are you dreading sex? surely thats an issue you need to be thinking about? We don't have as much as we'd like, and don't have dc yet so i totally understand the tiredness time aspect (as in it applies to us now without dc so must be more so for those with dc) but i still want to have sex and if dh made a grab for me i'd be more than hapy!

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 15:14:06

When you do have sex, how is it?

I think it is really stretching the definition of 'abuse' to include a husband trying to grope his wife when she's in her underwear. My partner generally makes appreciative comments or touches me when I'm half-naked, I'd be a bit offended if he didn't.

To be honest OP, a couple of posters have said "tell your husband that you still love being intimate and having sex with him..." but I'm not seeing anything in your posts that suggests this is the case.

Do you still want him physically at all? Do you want sex at all? Do you masturbate, or feel inclined to?

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 15:22:37

It's all the context, and how it's done, hearts.

I know that Lweji but I don't think there's much if anything in the OP which suggests it's aggressive, threatening or hostile, do you?

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 15:24:18

When I'm trying to get ready in the morning for work if he sees me naked or in underwear he grabs me which irritates me cos we're in a rush and I have to push him away.

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 15:27:33

If you notice your partner is irritated by your groping while you are rushing around, and you are pushed away because of that, do you still keep doing it?

I'm not talking of making a move in a moment of intimacy, or trying to get your partner in the mood, or even appreciating your partner. It's obviously not the intention in this case.

It's not making appreciative comments to make the partner feel better about herself.

It's undesired groping.

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