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DH deosn't want me to work!!

(249 Posts)
loopydoo Fri 25-Oct-13 11:32:08

I found a great job in a school yesterday so was going to apply today, as it's school hours and in term time only (very rare) however, DH just went off on one saying I need to be here at home for the kids and to do the house stuff I've been doing for the last 12 years!!!

I just wrote down all the stuff I do and the stuff he does.
Of course, he tells me 'he earns the money' and I just stay at home. He also says that when he's at work, I should be doing 12 hours of housework and not go for coffee with friends etc.

It's made me realise it's like living in the 1950s and he basically likes me being a housewife/slave.

I'm educated and have a good degree but stopped worked only a few years after uni to have DD. I know I need more in my life than just housework and this type of job with great hrs (so no childcare needed) don't come up often.

This is my list.....

Empty/load dishwasher
Wash up pans etc
Washing
Ironing
Hang wash on line/dryer/bring it in
Vacuuming
Cleaning bathroom
Cleaning Loo
Dust everywhere
Tidy bedrooms
Make beds
Change bed linen
Mop hard floors
Plan Meals
Do food shop
Cook meals
Plan and make kids packed lunches
Make DH's sandwiches
Organise everything for school bags
Empty school bags and action paperwork
Do reading books
Plan and help with kids homework
Record my spending on money spread sheet
Clean oven
Clean cupboards
Clean fridge
Take/collect kids to/from clubs
Plan/buy all family bday/xmas presents/cards

This is his list...

Wash cars occasionally/take to car wash
DIY occasionally when necessary
Cuts grass
Takes ds to swimming lesson every other week

That's it - literally! When he gets back from work (yes, it's a very stressful job), he watches tv and then goes to bed roughly same time as kids (9-ish). At weekends, he doesn't want to get involved and if I mention going for a family walk, he goes off on one!

Any ideas as to how to increase his involvement with everything?

Apply for that job please! He's controlling you. He is a jerk.

pinkpeony Fri 25-Oct-13 11:35:25

Apply for the job today! He has no right to tell you whether or not you are allowed to work.

Lweji Portugal Fri 25-Oct-13 11:36:09

Apply for the job and tell him he can go and live on his own if he doesn't like it.

And tell him that he does his fair share at home or he can go and do everything on his own.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 11:36:46

Take the job, lose the husband...

alacarte Fri 25-Oct-13 11:38:16

Can I recommend the Freedom Programme? It will give you a lot of clarity on this behaviour. Classic abuse.

Lweji Portugal Fri 25-Oct-13 11:38:48

Meanwhile stop doing things for him (laundry, ironing, food).

Also ask him if he doesn't have lunch and coffee breaks at work and never goes out with friends.

Lweji Portugal Fri 25-Oct-13 11:39:05

How are the finances in the family, BTW?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 11:39:35

"...when he's at work, I should be doing 12 hours of housework..."

And, in response, I hope you clench a fist and raise your middle finger in his general direction ...

cupcake78 Fri 25-Oct-13 11:41:32

The fact you have a list of expected housework says it all!

Go for the job. Stuff your 'd'h. Invoice him! Tell him if he wants a bloody maid he should hire one!

QuintsHollow Fri 25-Oct-13 11:42:21

Your list is pretty normal for most mums, whether they work or not. I think it would be perfectly feasible for you to get a job, and pay a cleaner to do all a big clean every week so you dont have to.

Not sure what you can do about your non-family oriented husband though. hmm

How old your children?

loopydoo Fri 25-Oct-13 11:43:22

Finances are very ok - I don't need to work financially. He does earn a very high salary so he says that's why I take care of everything at home and he goes to work and earns the money. I was fine with this until I mentioned the job this morning; that's when I realised he really doesn't want me to go back to work as it means he'll have to do more (which I don't think he'd do anyway).

loopydoo Fri 25-Oct-13 11:43:51

And no - I couldn't respond as he was shouting louder and louder and continually talking so I couldn't get a word in!!

loopydoo Fri 25-Oct-13 11:45:14

He didn't write that list -I did. To see for myself how it balanced out.

I don't want to say my kids ages but over 5.

Cuddlydragon Fri 25-Oct-13 11:46:08

Apply for the job, and I really hope you get it. Nobody can judge someone else's life, but it does seem very very controlling. Good luck with the job.

loopydoo Fri 25-Oct-13 11:46:45

I don't ask him to do any washing/ironing/cleaning etc but just some help with the kids routine/homework/discipline etc would be helpful.

The fact I wouldn't need childcare in the hols is such a positive for this job.

sooperdooper Fri 25-Oct-13 11:46:46

If he earns a high salary tell him (not ask, by the way) that you'll be applying for the job, and he needs to do more, or hire a cleaner (which he can sort out too)

Feckssake Fri 25-Oct-13 11:47:08

Nobody will have to do more if you get a cleaner, which you can well afford by the sounds of things. Get a cleaner. They're ace.

NomDeClavier Fri 25-Oct-13 11:47:30

Hmmm so he wants you around for the kids, but it's when they're at school? So that argument falls flat, doesn't it! If he's worried about the housework bit getting him done give him the option of doing it or paying for a cleaner. He just has an attitude problem. Did his mother work?

As you say there's a deeper issue of non-involvement. Is there anything he would like to do as a family? What does he do at the weekends now?

I don't really have anything useful to say but I couldn't not comment because I'm raging on your behalf angry

gamerchick Fri 25-Oct-13 11:47:52

Apply for the job anyway.. he'll get used.

But be prepared for him not pulling his weight and blaming you for taking a job though.

Does he really think you should spend 12 hours a day cleaning... when do you get some time off?

If he thinks that this is your job even then tell him you want a wage.. breaks and paid holidays... what a nana.

Squitten Fri 25-Oct-13 11:48:16

Apply for the job! He doesn't get to dictate how you spend the rest of your life (i.e. waiting on him hand and foot)

He can either get on board or go and live elsewhere!

Lweji Portugal Fri 25-Oct-13 11:48:23

Ok, so the family can afford a cleaner.

It still stands that you are not his servant, so even if you were to work at home during the day, you're still expected to do housework at weekends. It should be split.
So, even if you don't get the job this time, make sure you divide up the work on the weekend. Say, laundry, tables, food making, any cleaning.
If necessary, tell him one day it's his turn to be dad, and go out for the day or sit and see if he lets his family go hungry.

But, financially, I meant how is the money controlled and shared?

Lweji Portugal Fri 25-Oct-13 11:50:32

Keep reminding him that he can always live on his own.

If he shouts, leave the room.

Just tell him that you are going for the job, and if he keeps shouting you will go for a solicitor too.

loopydoo Fri 25-Oct-13 11:51:07

At weekends, he has a lie in on both days!
Then he watches sport on tv and lets the kids watch tv and play computer games.

If I try to suggest going to the woods/on a walk, he just says 'you know I hate walks and the kids hate them too'. then the kids agree and we don't go.

His mum did part time work once the kids were at school.

His dad was never a very involved father - took them to clubs at weekend but never did many family things other than visiting family/friends I think.

But his dad had a very traditional role - gardening/diy and that's about it - didn't bath the kids/play with them/cook much etc.

cupcake78 Fri 25-Oct-13 11:52:40

So pleased you did the list smile. Makes it marginally better.

If you want to work, you should work. Get a cleaner in to help. The 12 hours of expected working a day just silly IMO.

I'm jumping a conclusion here but I doubt very much that when he comes in from work you share the parenting tasks between you? If not why not? Why should you be expected to be on call 24 hrs a day 7 days a week? Is he? I'd be furious op.

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