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Not sure I can take this anymore

(260 Posts)
Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 09:39:29

A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.

Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.

Jux Wed 25-Dec-13 01:51:59

Blossom, ds' emotions are all over the place atm too. I doubt he has any real idea of what he actually feels, and it will be different from one moment to the next. At his age, he knows there are emotions you can give full rein to, and emotions you are expected to control.

I hope your Christmas is peaceful and happy, despite everything. smile

Loggins Wed 25-Dec-13 01:05:48

Hey Blossom
I hope you have a very Happy Christmas x

Blossomflowers Fri 20-Dec-13 09:24:01

I sat on my own all last night DS in bedroom doing teenage stuff. I felt a great sense of loneliness and loss BUT I asked myself the question would I want him sitting here next to me the answer was no.

Gave DS his allowance this morning so if he chooses to spend on his dad then so be it, but can't help feeling angry that for all the shitty horrible things P has said and done to DS he still sees his dad as a victim. My emotions are all over the place right now. How to do a supermarket shop later and seeing couples together make me irrationally angry.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 19-Dec-13 17:40:30

I saw the news too with the footage of the accused and it is just terrible. Obviously awful at any time of year but especially at Christmas with it being such a family time for lots of people.

I worry about the world I have brought my three children in to to be honest.

Blossomflowers Thu 19-Dec-13 09:26:50

Well it has been 2 weeks today and P has still not tried to make any arrangements to see DS. I find it a bit incredible really. I know if I txted P and said he should meet him he probably would but I don't think I should.
mistle good idea about biscuits. I am going to give DS his allowance tomorrow and he is going into town. What he spends his money on his his choice.
Today is a better day, beautiful sunny day and saw a deer bounding across the field on the school run.

Also listening to the news about that poor girl Jayden and how heart broken her family must be, puts things into perspective really, just imagine having to go through something like that sad

mistlethrush Wed 18-Dec-13 19:02:45

No, I'm suggesting that if the father 'needs' it he can buy it for himself. So its not as if its essential. If DS wants P to have a gift he can get him something he can afford to get from his pocket money - or make something (I'm sure Blossom wouldn't object to some flour and sugar and electricity for some biscuits for instance...)

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 18-Dec-13 17:10:12

Hang on, it is the DS that wants a gift for his father. Are you saying the father should sell his stuff to give his son money to buy him a present? That seems reasonable. I misunderstood and then got it I think as I read it blush.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 15:26:22

MY DS is 13, he just feels sorry for dad. I said many times that he has made his choices, he choose not to be part of out family through his actions. It has been nearly 2 weeks and he has only called once, a call that lasted 2 minutes. Lots of txts saying "Just thinking of you mate" "miss you", " love you". I think DS will get it in his own time. It is not for me to engineer the relationship, I have no energy for that anymore, been managing for too long. I just feel such sorry for poor DS

Jux Wed 18-Dec-13 15:13:21

Sorry, can't remember how old ds is. DD buys presents herself with her pocket money, has been since she was in y5 or 6 - though sometimes I've given lent her a bit extra. She's 14, in y10.

mistlethrush Wed 18-Dec-13 13:56:43

No, you're not being mean, you are being a) sensible and b) realistic. You can't afford it. End of (in terms of what you say to your son). And point out that he's got £30k of stuff he can sell to get it himself if he wants it that much, (if he can be bothered to sell anything - again, not to be shared). You might want to stretch to a card. But I wouldn't blame you for not even doing that.

Don't let him (P) walk all over you still just because of DS's misjudged wish to be generous to P.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 13:11:23

Thanks mistle just thought I was being mean. But the thought of spending any more money on him makes my blood boil.

mistlethrush Wed 18-Dec-13 13:03:44

I think honesty is the best thing re present 'I'm sorry DS, but I really cannot afford it' You don't need to add 'and I really don't want to waste any more money in that direction' but you can think that secretly. You could also say to DS that P can buy himself that if he wants to if he sells one of his many antiques that he has stocked.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 11:51:18

Oh and to top it all, DS wants me to buy P an Xmas pressie for his dad. Something I cannot afford, should I? It all a bit raw for this.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 11:38:05

Bloody hell jux you now make me feel super organised grin

I personally am not looking forward to it, my family are rubbish about making decisions, how hard it to decide what days we can get together. Have to keep DM and DD separate as cannot be in the same room, ( they have been divorced 17 years.) My DB and SIL are fighting and vicious, their poor kids. And DS will probably want to sit in his room and play X Box. Happy days.

Jux Wed 18-Dec-13 10:48:32

Blossom, we haven't even got a tree yet! Presents get wrapped once dd has gone off to sing on Xmas eve so no worries there (except we haven't got them all yet); some cards were written yesterday and posted today, but most weren't; most of the food - I think - has at least been decided on, and I have ordered the meat from the butcher so we'll have that if noting else.

Don't worry about Xmas! As you say, it will get done.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 10:13:18

Good luck with all that mistle I am glad I am not the only one.

I will get everything done, always do in the end, over the past 20 years I have always done most things by myself and organised everything so don't know what I am feeling like this.

Will start getting his shit together but will do in my time, am not going to dance to his tune anymore.

Going to my very dear friends 40th birthday on Saturday, so am going out later to buy a new outfit, fuck it I need a treat. Then come back a wrap some pressies well it will be a start. Pressie wrapping was actually one of the things P did very well

mistlethrush Wed 18-Dec-13 09:56:31

Can I join you with the overwhelmed before christmas feel? We have 10 for Christmas dinner. Most of the house is under a pile of 'stuff' that can't necessarily simply be thrown away. DH has, very helpfully, brought loads of things downstairs 'to sort out' but they nearly all actually need to go into the loft (go figure). The house needs a good clean. I've got loads of work to do (so must stop Mning) DS breaks up tomorrow and we've not yet made the biscuit presents (tonight's chore) and also need to make another christmas pudding. And the dog has a bad paw and is on lead walks only - she's going to be going batty. Tree is in a box in the hall.

grin

You can't necessarily do everything. Just work out which is going to be best for you to do now and start that one thing, don't worry about the rest. I would be minded to get a black bin liner and start chucking P's things in it and put it in the garage when you fill each bag - I think it will be cathartic getting that stuff out of your life.

Please make sure you take time for yourself - even if its a quick brew and cake - don't wear yourself out, you've had a lot to cope with.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 09:27:20

Not such a great day today. Feeling a little overwhelmed for some reason, too much work, Xmas. not wrapped one present yet. Having a drama with DS school as some bullying going on. He want to change tutor group so working with school to resolve, hoping things will settle over Xmas, Also P wants his stuff but will take some time to gather all as spread over the house and just exhuasting and time consuming, time I do not have, Sorry rant over.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 17-Dec-13 17:11:27

Of course he won't feel ashamed, but that isn't your problem. Nothing about him is anymore.

You carry on showing your son love and care. Your ex is the one who needs to do the repairing. Of course he won't so you just carry on loving your son.

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 15:20:58

You are right of course toffee he should feel deeply ashamed but he won't.

I only hope I can repair the damage he has done to DS and me of course.

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 15:16:40

Naughty loggins very tempting thoughgrin.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 17-Dec-13 15:14:40

No need for humiliation. You loved him. When you love someone you let things go that you wouldn't take from a stranger as you see the bigger picture. He is the one who should feel humiliated.

Loggins Tue 17-Dec-13 15:11:18

Hey Blossom, it's great to pop on and see how strong you sound! Can't do the flowers on my phone so have a x instead.
Re his stuff, I'd have a big bonfire

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 15:06:55

oh you lovely ladies with the flowers. It is unbelievable really how much comfort talking to people in cyber space, your support is amazing I really appreciate it. My own family have been very little support, except DS 1 and his partner but do not want to burden them. I can't believe actually how much stronger I feel, I am not going to let him hurt us anymore. I actually humiliated on how I have let him treat me.

ShimmeringInTheSun Tue 17-Dec-13 14:56:47

flowers flowers flowers

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