Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Not sure I can take this anymore(260 Posts)
A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.
Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.
Yes Mist 6 days a week. He does appear to work really hard.
Yes, sorry, I meant he is saying he's not impotent because he can masturbate.
OP could you sit down and work out how much he'ss cost you over the course of this relationship? Because that money could be invested for your retirement or spent on your kids' education.
As an avid collector of antiques myself, a recession is not a good time to be selling.
twinkle it is not he so much a collector but this is part of his business, I don't even want to start thinking about how much he has cost me it would drive me insane. I am currently in terrible financial position so is imput would actually mean something now. His argument is that if he left then I would be no better of
I know it would be hard to face, but I think it would focus your mind when you draw back from ditching him. The reason you need to break free, quite apart from his unpleasant characteristics, is that you cannot afford to be bankrolling him.
I understood that he wasn't a collector - my point was that from a business pov it's hard to make money on antiques right now. If he were a collector and not looking to sell, then antiques are a good long term investment; but for a quick turnaround, trying to sell in the current climate is difficult. But hey, if you're in financial difficulties - he could try hocking the lot. That pile has been built up at your expense.
Thanks you twinkle I need to brave up and make him understand this can not continue as is. When we were younger and my business was doing well then money was not such a big issue. I am in a panic about money, I just can't believe he never has anything in his account literally it makes me feel even more vunerable as have no one to turn to. Each months is a big juggling act. I have written down all monthly expenses and copy of bill for the car I bought, which he uses exclusively and will present them to him tonight. Will try and be calm. How could I be so stupid to allow this to happen.
It appears to be the new Mumsnet cliché - the cockless lodger!
Let's face it, even if he never paid back the substantial amount he owes, you would still be better off for not feeding another adult. Never mind the puppy dog eyes, he is an expensive pet which you can no longer afford. Rehome it.
Is he continuing to buy even though he's not selling?
Blossom my stbexh left last year after 15 years of EA and FA, very similar to what you describe. Oh, and his impotence was caused by addiction to pot. Which is where his money went !!
Not saying your situation is the same, but I am so much better for being out of that abusive marriage now.
imp not sure. We had a conversation a few weeks ago and he promised that until he shifted some items and had a healthy bank balance he would not be buying anymore. But still he last night he told me he was broke and I found out about the 4 missing DD with the EON, who will not discuss with me because my name is not on the bill, errrrr!!!
cls sorry you have had a hard time. Gladly mine is not addicted to weed. I have to sie him down tonight and get the the bottom of things. So hard to talk with him.
Of course, he makes it hard to talk. He wants you to STFU so he can carry on dragging you into debt with him, not question your relationship in any way and let him behave how he likes.
Ultimatum time. He talks, or he walks.
I'm absolutely not trying to excuse his behaviour, but the impotence might be down to the antidepressants (esp if he's on SSRI medication), and I'm amazed the GP didn't suggest he try different meds, if he asked the GP about the impotence.
First off the priority has to be to pay the electricity bill. You can not live with no lights or heating and it is going to only get colder.
Ask him if he masturbates. He will probably get defensive but you do have a right to know if it means he could have sex with you but is choosing not too. Calling you a hard nosed bitch is a way of telling you he feels shit and small and it is your fault, though I suspect he doesn't consciously realise he is doing it unless you think he is capable of being that cruel.
Your marriage is not great and it is definitely time for some hard words.
You don't actually need this man since he doesn't provide financially or physically. Obviously he needs you though.
Who even cares why he can't get it up when he's bleeding her dry of money & he insults her to boot!
I don't think they need to talk, I think he needs to walk.
misty sadly the ED existed before the breakdown and he was given AD's, yes he has massive breakdown a few years ago, since then his personality has been different. When he went to the GP about his impotence the GP suggested sex therapy. He even said "apparently" the meds he was on could help" " Mitazipine" I have to have this talk with in or I am going to explode or have a breakdown myself. I feel so anxious about money, I am in such a huge mess now, being alone seems even worse than ever, yet then sometimes I think I could do it, when I am having a good day.
So had the conversation last night, what a complete waste of times. He seems to take the view that because the house is in my name, "I have the house so why should he pay" I tried to reason but was getting nowhere. Sadly turned into a massive argument. He said he is leaving, just could not decide to go before or after Xmas. I said I will make his choice easy.
Sorry to hear it Blossom. Given his attitude it really is the best thing but I know it won't feel that way. The thing to do now is to ensure he does actually leave. The danger is that he threatened to leave to shut you up but has no intention of doing it.
It is actually worse, he left in Feb ans was away for 6 weeks, he came back because we agreed that things needed to change ( I am not saint) but he has never unpacked, he keeps his clothes in the spare room. I kid you not. He has said that he never wanted to come back but did so because he felt sorry for me.
God just get rid of him. Nasty prick.
Well in that case, do him a big fat favour and release him into the wild.
we agreed that things needed to change ( I am not saint) sounds awfully as though "we" agreed you needed to change, whilst the party of the second part felt that gracing you with his presence was his bit done.
Blossom, the very best thing you could do would be to chuck him out. I know that's hard after 20 years but he's vile to you, refuses to seek help for his sexual problem and doesn't contribute.
Last night you attempted to have a calm conversation where - not for the 1st time - you tried to show him the monthly outgoings and his reaction was he doesn't see why he should pay. Am not sure why the house is in your name only but you must obviously have your reasons and presumably he has been party to them. Him not being on the mortgage is irrelevant to his argument ..... by his standards, that'd mean that any private tenant shouldn't have to pay rent. By the sounds of it, not only is he not paying any "rent", he's also not paying for food, or for transport because you fund a car that he uses exclusively. Now you find that the only thing you've been asking of him - the electricity DD - which I'm guessing is going to be in the region of about a hundred and something per month - is in arrears.
My god ...... he has it made. It's utter rubbish to say he came back because he "felt sorry for you". Bollocks - he came back because out in the real world he had to effing well support himself and that would have cost him a great deal more than a hundred-ish a month.
I know it's scary to anticipate doing everything yourself and having "no-one to turn to" but being blunt you have no-one to turn to now do you ? Worse than that he's a drain - and a bloody unpleasant one at that who speaks to you like shit, wears you down and takes you for a ride left right and centre. If he wasn't there you'd benefit from peace of mind for a start. You'd also spend less on food - and booze - and if you could sell the car as you've not been using it anyway - you'd recoup a lump sum if the car was bought outright, or save on loan payments every month if it wasn't. You'd also save on insurance, tax, MOT. I very much doubt he'll come good on the thousands he owes you so I'd be looking to cut my losses and tell him to fuck off right out of your home NOW - so you can have a nice Xmas with your son without his miserable using face and the unpredictability of his moods.
You must know deep down that there isn't a single benefit to you if he stays - and every day he's there he's draining you further. You can do this on your own - just like you've already been doing and I think you'll be better off, can't see how you won't be. I think you've given him every chance - in all areas - to play fair and as you say enough is enough.
Would also argue that he is NOT very generous. An expensive gift on odd occasions would be generous if he was paying his way in the meantime. Divide the cost of his gifts by all the months he's failed to contribute and you'll see that it's a laughable sum. In any case, nice boots and pottery won't keep you warm or your belly full so he's completely swerving the responsibility he should be showing. Empty gestures mean nothing.
Catsmother your post is very insightful.Some how he ends up making me feel guilty for asking him to pay his way, I end up defending myself. If I was advising someone else I would be saying exactly what you are saying. Atm I feel so hurt and rejected, I need to find some of my old spirit, he just rips me apart when he goes on one.
On a practical note, the car was paid in full. he has paid some back but is in my name. I also paid his insurance in full, so guess can get nothing for that .If I sold the car to get cash ( which I desperately need) he would have no transport. Elec is 133 month and gas is 190, we agreed that he would pay these but has not done so. Bank have cancelled his DD's and will not reinstate, is this possible?
oh and in the last week he has bought himself a £32 bottle of whisky and 2 new pairs of jeans ( which are far to young for him) but pleading poverty so could not buy some fish and chips for us all.
Join the discussion
Please login first.