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Husband flirting with ex affair colleague : am I nuts???

(30 Posts)
Cheryllou Thu 24-Oct-13 11:59:58

Ok don't normally do this but don't feel I can tell anyone who knows me. Three years ago my husband had an affair and moved out, saying he no longer loved me ( horrible). Over the next year he came and went as was generally really screwed up, he's not a bad man but like most of them selfish...

To cut a long story short we got back together moved house and are on the whole very happy great friends. BUT no sex, as he has no interest in me like that and won't talk about it. He's very good to me in other ways and when we talk about the affair he seems honest and regretful.

This morning I picked his phone up instead of mine - he works with her- and saw a message from her which of course I read ( not cool I know). There was nothing incriminating, just setting up meetings, just the tone of his talk to her was very jokey, familiar and even a bit flirty. I'm furious because, well, where to start. I only took him back because we had two very young girls and I couldn't bear for them not to have a proper family and I really wanted to make a proper go of it.

What do you think? I want to confront him as I'm feeling really bitter and want to know whats going on. I don't think he's having an affair but do think his relationship with her is inappropriate and disrespectful to me. Or am I overreacting and should say nothing like the filthy sneak I am?

I ant stand the thought of being single mum with no job and no cash and the effect on the girls but feel I'm being a real dummy here staying a marriage that's just mates while he flirts elsewhere.

Can't talk to friends or family as they hated him ast time and don't want all that raked up again...

Please help, I'm really struggling.

QuintsHollow Thu 24-Oct-13 12:04:30

This is not really a marriage any more, it is just convenience is it not? You dont love him, and you dont trust him, you dont have sex.

Is this the kind of relationship you would like your daughters to have? This is the model you are showing them.

Will it make you feel better if you were to take some control and find a job so you are not so dependent on him?

Venushasrisen Thu 24-Oct-13 12:06:19

Maybe start getting yourself into a position so that you can move out if you choose to. Job? Training?

Cheryllou Thu 24-Oct-13 12:14:33

Sorry I should clarify I do have a job it's just 13 hours a week but it's looking shakey...

I wouldn't say it's just convenience there is much more to it than that, lots of affection just no sex which has always been a problem tbh. We've been together 21 years from uni so not young lovers anymore! I do love him, very much, I'm just still bitter about the affair I guess and won't ever trust him fully, not so much to go off with this particular woman, but to leave as soon as things aren't all rainbows. I know I'm more in control than I feel but it just feels like such a no win situation - put up and shut up or devastate all our lives.

QuintsHollow Thu 24-Oct-13 12:24:02

How old are your children? You were talking about your very young girls, I thought they were babies.

Cheryllou Thu 24-Oct-13 12:25:23

They are now 8 an 6. Theŷ were 4 and 18 mths when he left so I guess it's more like four years ago .

Helpyourself Thu 24-Oct-13 12:29:24

It sounds like you don't want to rock the boat with him. Ask yourself why. How much more are you prepared to compromise on?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Oct-13 12:30:37

I don't think the affair ever ended by the sound of it.

Cheryllou Thu 24-Oct-13 12:42:06

Oh it did, honestly. He spends too much time here to be having an affair. It's really the flirty texts and whether or how to bring it up I'm worried about, the lack of sex is another thing. I do compromise on that, but my family unit makes that bearable. We're a great little family. I know I read something I shouldn't which might just be flirting, we all enjoy that tbf, I just hate having to hide the fact I know he has more than a pure facts relationship with her- she should hate his guts he led her a merry dance too. It's very hard to think of striking out alone as he's all I've ever known and I'm not self confident enough to do it. Plus that's not what I want.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Oct-13 13:14:42

Flirty texts are the continuation of the affair. They don't have to be in bed with each other to get off on it. Yes, well enjoy a little attention but someone who has been taken back once and is supposed to be contrite is quite simply taking the piss behaving this way... the rules are different for cheats.

Sorry your confidence is so low but really you don't have to say it. It's clear from your desperation to cling to this second-rate man that you don't think you deserve better. You do.

cakeordeath1963 Thu 24-Oct-13 13:15:05

It doesn't matter if he is flirting or not, he should not be in contact with her at all FULL STOP.

I too would have sworn my husband didn't have the time to have an affair, I even went as far as to defend him when the OW's H came to my home to confront him.
Guess what?
I was wrong

pigsDOfly Thu 24-Oct-13 14:05:30

You say you are a good family unit and you don't want to change that for the sake of your DCs, but I''m guessing you must still be a young woman OP, so is this the life you want for yourself? What about when your children leave home, what is going to be your role in your husbands life then, or will you no longer be needed?

You say there is affection between you but that's very limited, and if it isn't going further than just affection it isn't good for you if it isn't enough for you.

It doesn't sound as if you've got passed the affair either. When he had the affair and left you, telling that he didn't love you anymore, he must have hurt you terribly. What has he done to reassure you and make you feel he's sorry and the affair has ended.

You're unhappy and he's refusing to talk to you about it? How dare he.

And now you've found this flirty messages. I'm not surprised you feel bitter.

Cogito is right, your confidence and self esteem is way down.

Being on your own sounds like the better option to me.

pigsDOfly Thu 24-Oct-13 14:28:21

got past not got passed

So he has a problem having sex with you but did he have the same issues with the OW?

This sounds horrible to me - sorry! It really does.

You are 'settling' and no-one should ever do that!

Thisfuckerisaeuphemism Thu 24-Oct-13 14:37:34

Oh this sounds so horrible for you, OP. He won't have sex with you, but is flirty with the woman he had an affair with? There's only one answer here as far as I can see. sad

DontmindifIdo Thu 24-Oct-13 14:50:15

OK, you need to start preparing for your marriage to end. He is with you because it's easier and better than the alternative, not because he loves and wants you. It would take very little for the situation to change and it no longer be better than the alternative. Or you might just bit by bit lose your confidence.

Anyway, start with finding out what you'd be entitled to, both benefits and maintenance (also as you are married, you shoud get half of assets and savings, even if they are in his name). Can you start looking for another job as well. You say you met at uni, so you are well educated, start pushing a career for yourself (and a pension, if he's staying with you for the sake of your DDs he might not stick around once they grow up, and that won't leave you long to start saving for old age)

If you stay with him you have to accept you are not the person he turns to for his romantic/sexual desires, it might not always be the same OW, but there will be someone in the background, if not sleeping together, someone he's flirting/giving his emotional energy to.

My Aunt stayed together for the sake of the DCs, the DCs are now in their 30s, Aunt and Uncle are in their early 60s, and he's just walked out again because he's fallen in love with the latest.

Chyochan Thu 24-Oct-13 15:26:15

Wow, Im so sorry this has/is happening to you, it must be horrendous.
I compleatly agree with the post above, this relationship does not have a happy future for you at all, the best thing you can do is get out.
I am worried you seem to be directing a bit in denial about your situation with your partner, imo he is treating you appallingly, rejects you sexually, carries on a relationship with at least one other woman and you are worrying that you are being unreasonable, love your anger is not unreasonable, his exspectations are.

Thisfuckerisaeuphemism Thu 24-Oct-13 15:41:53

He seems honest and regretful?

In what way? He won't talk to you about his lack of sex with you and he is carrying in some kind of relationship with her.

Your expectations of him are peculiarly low. He messed you around for a year and still does so yet you call yourself a filthy sneak? He is a bad husband and you deserve better.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 24-Oct-13 15:56:15

I think you're making excuses for him. Saying he's not a bad man but like most men is selfish? Um...wtf? Stop justifying his affair. Most men are not like this.

Clear he doesn't have a problem with sex if he was shagging someone else. I don't agree about staying together for your DC. It's not a good example to set plus its too convenient for him. He's not got to try or put in any effort. You can be good parents apart and you could be happy.

He's taking the piss. The affair is still going on as he's in contact with her. Regardless of anything physical. He clearly doesn't give a shit else he wouldn't be texting her.

I agree about being in denial, you are putting up with a lot and I'm not sure why. He knows he can get away with it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Oct-13 16:00:36

"Can't talk to friends or family as they hated him ast time and don't want all that raked up again..."

I would be prepared to bet that your friends and family are sitting there with their fingers crossed willing you to get in touch and say 'I've had enough'. If pride is getting in the way, you have to drop it. Weather a few 'I told you sos' and it'll be worth it to get your life back.

mummytime Thu 24-Oct-13 16:02:47

Your DDs don't have a proper family.

Is the affair even over? He should no longer be working with her if he truly wanted to choose you over her.

Can you get yourself some counselling for why you put such a low value on yourself?

Wellwobbly Thu 24-Oct-13 16:08:10

What you describe was my deal breaker. (Everything else you describe was true for our 'reconciliation' also).

chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Cheryllou Thu 24-Oct-13 17:17:22

Thans for your responses, wow, that's quite hard to hear. Agree with all, just not sure what MY alternative is, wish I knew what I was aiming for. Gonna confront him tonight and fess up, what's the worst that can happen?? He'll tell me it's over? Would be a relief in a way. Deep breath...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 24-Oct-13 17:30:53

I don't think celibacy between two people in a long term relationship necessarily signals one or both won't be looking elsewhere. Sorry OP. Very happy great friends don't upset each other and the trust issue is huge. Where there are DCs involved I never say lightly "End the marriage" but this will eat away at you and the older the girls get, the more they'll know something in your relationship is false and hollow.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 24-Oct-13 17:36:54

If you stay with him what happens when the girls grow up and move out? Where does that leave you? As I bet he won't hang around. You have to think long term, it's a long time to be miserable.

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