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2 hours sleep and raging. aibvu?(59 Posts)
I will try and be brief.
DP has recently started going out regularly to play a sport with a mate. I am pleased as lasr few years have been tough in lots of ways. However we agreed he comes back before 11 latest as
We have 3 dcs, inc 2 toddlers
it's a work/school night
I have a neurological condition which I am being treated for with a very strong drug. I have to take it to get better, I was v ill for 4 and a half years before diagnosis. The side effects include extreme tiredness, increased appetite and mood swings. I am also on a v restricted diet and have been told to avoid stress, tiredness wherever possible. Dp knows this.
I also have a long history of anxiety/insomnia but the drug helps this.
So last night DP went out promising to be back for 1030 as I'd slept badly the night before, it's a school night and I had a hectic day by my standards with orthodontist for ds1, lunch with friend whose father is v ill, then I'd arranged for the first time to see another friend for a quick catch up in the evening, the first time we would be able to ever see each other without children.
So, 11 o clock, 12 o clock, 1 o clock. No sign. I have sent lots of texts and tried calling mobile loads. Really realky worried now as dp NEVER does this. So I wake teenage ds1 and ask him to listen out for little ones while I drive up to where ge is with my mobile, searching the streets for a body passed out on the pavement on the way. Lights are on where he is then go off and he stumbles out barely able to walk. Finds the whole thing funny.
Dp goes to sleep on sofa. I lay awake fuming and worrying how I will cope because without being too specific if I get overtired I get really ill.
So dp wakes up this morning saying sorry, but he has to go to work and I have to get on with it with the kids despite being fucked because of him.
To top it all the other guy's wife texted this am saying "boys will be boys". Really? Am I supposed to just suck it up be cause dp has a penis?
I have cancelled lunch (can barely stand up) and will have to cancel seeing my friend this evening.
How to I handle this? am I just being a twat because I am exhausted? I raged at dp this morning but he wouldn't stay and help despite knowing ds has to go to the orthodontist and I'm not safe to drive?
please be gentle if I am bu.
Bloody great post night!! Good for you!
Glad you sorted it out with dh.
Take care x
Interesting - I reported Lemonstartree's posts as I found them a definite personal attack on the OP, insinuating she was lying by putting 'illness' in quotes.
I received a reply last night from MNHQ saying they were deleting the messages, however the delete message suggests it's because she asked for them to be deleted, not because others found them abhorrent.
NightScented, I'm really glad to hear that he was apologetic and you had a better night. Hope things continue to go well
Glad you feel better now you have had a good rest. And that you DP has apologized.
It sounds like you had a good evening last night.
Sorry pp should say some doctors, obviously, I dont want to insinuate that all doctors think or behave as if they are infallible, gah!
Ps DP was terribly apologetic last night and all is well. We ended up having a really love ly chat about all sorts of other stuff, and I am reminded of what a marvellous open minded lovely chap he is. I think forgetting his work bag yesterday, feeling like crap, struggling in a meeting, forgetting to put a nappy on ds3 last night and having huge gaps in his drunken evening and being a bit thoughtless have made him feel that it wasn't such a good idea on a week night after all!
Apologies for appalling typos
Lemon I wish you had left your posts, as they articulate clearly the problem some people with chronic illness (ime mostly women) face. Their gp/specialist doesn't know what is wrong with them, notices they are mothers, perhaps single, with small children, and makes the massive leap to the decision that they are malingerers/not coping/making up an illness to get help in other areas of their lives. Ime women don't do what you suggest, they battle on under extremely difficult circumstances.
My specialist's patients have on average been ill for 44 months before they get to him. They have usually seen 1 or more other specialists, who don't know what is wrong with them. My own gp was obviously sceptical when I asked for a referral to this man, as she judged that I was simply struggling with 3 kids, one with disabilities. This is the problem with the medical profession at times, doctors need to recognise that they are fallible, and not when they see someone with vague symptoms brush it off. I saw it at work. Patients insisting something is wrong and being fobbed off. A month later in the case of one woman, she was dying in HDU.
If you are interested there is a Spoons thread in general health I think and the theory and posts there might give you some new insight into how very difficult life can be with a chronic illness. I hope in future you will check yourself begore you judge away without listening fully to ehat patients say. Being dismissed/brushed off is the pits when you have come to a doctor at the end of your tether for help.
Thank you to everyone again for your help and advice, now I am not sleep deprived I can see things much clearer. I have a tendency to catastrophise and this thread has enlightened me to the fact that my general levels of anxiety are creeping up so I need to work on that.
lemon, I may have sounded "poor me" to you but when you have to care for young children with bugger all sleep and have no outside support it can make you feel a bit sorry for yourself. I was detailed as I didn't want to drip feed, bot because I was creating some elaborate story to encourage others to back me up in controlling dp in some strange eay to avoid my own duty of care to my family. I xan cope with those accusations, because Iam out the other side, and bbecause after loitering here for years I have learnt an immense amount from some incredibly wise women here, and continue to be educated and have my perceptions challenged. One of your patients might hoeever be driven to the depths of despair by your seemingly over judgemental attitude and that is worrying as you have the chance to heal or not. I could never be a doctor because that responsibility is too huge and daunting.
You clearly have a lot going on, OP and it's clear why you are annoyed.
The bare bones of it are: he had one night out. He 'never does this' in your own words. A bit selfish, a bit thoughtless... but one night out.
Even if you think the op is unreasonable about the night out thing, really...was that post really necessary??
What IS it about people treading all over other people's feelings with really no need! Surely you could have commented in here without that. It's bloody depressing to read some of these threads at the moment when people just want some advice...not bloody being ripped into.
Jeepers Lemon, you're also determined to be right, right to the bitter end. I think maybe you should leave the care out of health care professional as you clearly don't.
lemon if you're a neurologist how can you make assumptions on someone with absolutely no facts whatsoever???
Jesus I hope I never have to see you!! Absolute joke, that seriously worries me!
People do actually have genuine illnesses that require a bit of care and support from their partners. If you don't understand that I think you're in the wrong job!
What's the point of posting that 9 minutes after the most unhelpful and judgemental post I've sen in a long time.
and you are right. This is not helpful. I have asked for my posts to be deleted.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
OP, I am not doubting your illness, but when dh went out if I wanted to then I went to bed. If you had something bad happen to you once when out then I can understand you are extra anxious, but that doesn't make dh unreasonable.
I wonder if he has felt the need to let off steam from the stress of your horrid illness and really thought that you would be fast asleep and he wouldn't be causing you a problem?
I'm glad you are starting to find the treatment for you illness and hope that you continue to be able to cope, but I don't think he was unreasonable, I don't think you should have disturbed dd and I don't think you should have gone out to look for him.
I hope you sort this out and don't feel let down by him again.xx I hope you are feeling better nowxx
Nightscented Yadnbu!! I would be very annoyed at my dh if he'd done what your dh has done! I have small 2dc and I also have an 'illness' which is made worse with stress/tiredness so I know how you feel.
I think the bottom line is regardless of what you had planned the next day you had an agreement with dh and he broke that. The dc are both your responsibilities and he also knows your health issues so should have been more thoughtful. Hopefully he's learnt his lesson and it won't happen again.
It's hard living with something that noone can physically see and I find it hard that its my stupid body that's acting in this way so it's noones fault it's just the way it is. You have my every sympathy.
I hope dh comes home full of apologies and you can get on with your gorgeous dc and forget this whole episode
I agree lemon, your posts haven't been helpful... It's not your place to question the op's illness.
"lemonstartree Thu 24-Oct-13 17:41:08
speaking as someone with a very very large amount of knowledge of neurology I must say I have never heard of such an 'illness'" Well I for hope to god you are not a doctor with you complete lack of care and understanding that maybe you don't know everything.
You do not have to explain anything about your condition to anyone on here. We all have times when that one thing completely blows everything and anything out of all proportion.
Hope you fell better today after a quite day.
* tiring looking after children, let alone with your illness...
It's tiring enough looking after chasten anyway...let also r with your illness.
He was a twat. He should have text you to let you know whAt time he's be home. It is rude and inconsiderate that he didn't...however, I think that's the only thing he's done wrong.
He is entitled to have a spontaneous late night if he wants. I think you should've text him an arsey text, gone to bed and then been a bit cross this morning. You driving around looking for him wasn't going to help your tiredness and not really fair to wake ds up. I know you said dh doesn't normally stay that late so you were worried but did you call his phone? It was only 2 hours late...I don't think I would r started thinking something g terrible had happened Fter 2 hours.
I'm not being critical I'm just trying to put another perspective to you.
Hope you're ok and not too stressed about it all.
That sounds absolutely horrible. I hope the kids are in bed now and you can relax. I haven't read the whole thread but hope orthodontist appointment went well and that you and your naughty husband are speaking again. My husband used to do this from time to time and I'd get stressed if I couldn't get hold of him (long after he was due back!) because although you know really they're just propping up some bar your mind goes into overdrive. I hope you have a great nights sleep tonight.
Feel forced to defend myself now, as I have done for years with people telling me or suggesting that I just need to get out more and do more exercise, or take some antidepressants (gps advice) That's the other crappy thing, no one believing you because it's invisible, vague and could be mistaken for Anxiety/depression, and unless you have all the pieces of the jigsaw, like my wonderful consultant, it doesn't add up.
I have a condition which comes under the umbrella of neurology and another specialty. There's one guy who specialises in this group of illnesses (and yes they are real) and he is based in the south east.
It involves migraines, dizziness, nausea, tiredness, sometimes vomiting, ear symptoms. Sufferers have dizziness/tiredness/nausea symptoms pretty much all the time. Many are pretty much housebound and have to give up work, it often leads to depression. My consultant literally gave me my life back, before treatment walking for half an hour would mean horrible dizziness and tiredness for the rest of the day, but I do and will have to be careful, especially while my brain is recovering from it. I can't play eg a game of tennis, I can't walk any distance fast. I have to do special exercises with my eyes/head every day to help reset the bits of my brain that don't control balance properly back to normal.
I will pm anyone the name of it and my consultant if you want to be more confident that I am not some malingering control freak.
staggered by yor unpleasantness lemon. It's remarks like yours that drive people already upset away from other wonderful supportive posters on mumsnet
Speaking as someone with a masters degree in twatology, I must say I think you need to go on a refresher course lemon, as there seem to be some oatches in your vast knowledge
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
make sure he has ICE (in case of mergency) in his phone so you know that if he i s picked up by police/ambulance they will call you.
you much more likely to hear if somehting has happened than not.
so no news is good news means he just being an inconsiderate twat.
if he no back again - go to bed.
but have calm conversation about managing our illness, what help you need, getting paid help or social services if you need extra help eg i ds has disability you can ask for carers assessment and your illness would be taken into account.
Fucking hell lemon. I am not trying to control him, I would like him to show me the same courtesy I would show him or any other human being. If you are going to be 3 hours late its common courtesy to let that person know, partner or otherwise. And actually yes I won't get better unless I am really careful now and for the rest of my life, I will always have to have a very very restricted diet and no alcohol, plus avo7d tiredness and stress as much as possible and other stuff as these trigger the problem again in my brain and upset something inmy brain stem. IIt's scary and horrible and I don't want to get really ill again as it is unfair on the rest of the family.
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