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We can't have sex anymore

(20 Posts)
katyr9 Thu 24-Oct-13 08:08:44

Help - younger son now 3 and my partner and I haven't had sex in nearly 4 years. We've attempted it a couple of times but after two births he says my vagina is too loose and he can't keep an erection. Feel devastated as love him very much and he's pretty much perfect as a partner - does his share with kids, kind, considerate, supportive etc - except I feel our sex life is over and I'm only 42! I've always had a higher sex drive than him but this is ridiculous. Tried last night and it was desperately sad. Any advice?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Oct-13 08:16:58

He actually said that to you out loud? shock A 'too loose' vagina? If he has problems maintaining an erection I'd have thought he should see a GP in the first instance and take some personal responsibility. Not cast around insulting you. I'm absolutely appalled.

blueberryupsidedown Thu 24-Oct-13 08:18:23

I think you should speak to your GP about it. It is embarassing but there might be something they would recommend. Have you tried pelvic floor exercises? I have seen a many different types of exercises, both with or without 'tools', but you have to be very regular if you want to feel a difference. I really feel for you, I hope you feel better soon.

binger Thu 24-Oct-13 08:20:23

Totally agree with cogito. Sounds like your dh can't handle the fact he can't maintain his erection and is blaming you. Really pretty low IMO. He needs to man up and deal with it by going to gp.

IsisOhIsis Thu 24-Oct-13 08:22:06

Suggest he sees his doctor regarding his erectile dysfunction.

Thewalkingdeadkr Thu 24-Oct-13 08:23:03

Nonsense op.
He's having erectile disfunction and wants to blame you for it rather than face it.
Maintaining an erection is about far more than having a tight vagina to it it in.
He's avoiding the real issue and is very rude and insensitive.
I'd not feel like sex myself if my dh was so rude.

Fragglewump Thu 24-Oct-13 08:23:57

Is it 'too loose'? Ie was it a terrible physically damaging birth that has not been put right? Have you had a look/feel yourself? Do you have trouble with tampax falling out? If it seems fine to you then I doubt that you have a physical problem (except for your shitbag of a husband). He sounds like an arse. How are the other aspects of your relationship?

harryhausen Thu 24-Oct-13 08:29:09

I had a 3rd degree tear after my dcs. I had physio for extra pelvic floor lessons. I still suffer from weak bladder though and yes, I know my vagina is much looser.

However, my DH can still get an erection. In fact he has more of a problem with being a bit prem.

I agree that he is projecting his anxiety about his problem onto you. He needs to see the Gp. Maybe you could go together so that he can hear the go tell you it's not your fault?

I suspect he has the problem and doesn't want to admit it. There is no way that your vagina could be "too loose" unless he has an erect penis the size of your little finger?

You need to go to the doctor together, so that someone can officially tell him that it is not your problem.

Pelvic floor exercises can help tighten things a little, and tightening the muscles during sex can be quite pleasurable for the man, but unless your tampax are falling out, then you really don't have a problem.

katyr9 Thu 24-Oct-13 09:37:58

Thanks all for your support. Every other aspect of our relationship is great but I suspect he will be reluctant to deal with this. I had a 3rd degree tear but I know my pelvic floor is strong - lots of pilates! I'll try the GP

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Oct-13 09:42:28

You don't need the GP... he does. Understandable that he is reluctant to deal with the problem because ED is one of those embarrassing things. Unacceptable to blame your vagina and expect you to live a sex-free life. This is a personal question so you don't have to answer but, PIV aside, does he make any effort to satisfy you sexually in other ways?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 24-Oct-13 09:55:34

He needs the GP, not you.

How rude and nasty of him to blame this on you sad

Blondie1969 Thu 24-Oct-13 09:57:07

This is not down to you.
From a male point of view i had similar issues when my marriage ended and finding out about ex's affairs and one night stands.

With a new partner I was very stressed but being able to talk about and most of all new partner being understanding and not putting pressure on me. I went to the doctor who prescribed viagra but in the end did not need. Getaway to nice hotel in scotland did the trick.

Appreciate his first thoughts are to blame you as its not a thing men like to admit but a trip to an understanding doctor will help. I expect at the moment his mind is going round in circles and he is just getting more stressed and more self concious.

Good luck

BOOsterseatforAnyFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 10:22:32

I expect at the moment his mind is going round in circles and he is just getting more stressed and more self conscious.

That is no excuse to make a partner feel self conscious. The OP hasn't spat back " well if your cock was only bigger" because that would be insensitive and fucking rude.

Men don't blame their partners for their own problems, knobheads do.

katyr9 Thu 24-Oct-13 10:40:11

Your comments have inspired me to finally do something about it! Had a long chat with a sympathetic doc who explained was probably due to husband's hypertension meds. Husband has agreed to seek help! So thanks to all

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Oct-13 10:42:21

Hypertension. Yep... that's a great big cause for ED. Hope he has the decency to apologise for the vagina remark. hmm

Anyfuckergate Thu 24-Oct-13 11:01:53

Sometimes men can feel odd about their partners vaginas after they witness their child's birth. His ED I feel may come from this more psychological aspect if you had a vaginal birth, it is very unlikely that your vagina has changed as much as he is saying. Some therapy for him and maybe pelvic floor exercises for you may help.

ImperialFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 12:53:32

Blimey, OP, you sorted this out in two hours! How did you manage to get hold of a sympathetic doctor so quickly?

Blondie1969 Thu 24-Oct-13 12:58:53

sorry BOOsterseatforAnyFucker . You are completely correct that the OP should not be made to feel at fault.

valiumredhead Thu 24-Oct-13 12:59:52

Just wanted to add, there are plenty of ways in which to have sex that don't involve penis in vagina. I hope he apologises!

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