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DH has always been a quiet man but now it feels worse

(51 Posts)
ladyluckylula Tue 22-Oct-13 23:30:57

I'm so worried about my relationship with my dh. He has always been quiet. I knew that when I married him. But now it feels like we don't communicate very well at all. I end up asking all the questions and making all the effort. I feel like he comes in from work with nothing to bring to the table. No stories, no jokes, no questions. Its baffling.

I can't understand and get so cross about it and then end up blurting it all out which I know must make it worse. He says he can't change and 'that is the way he is' but I think it's got worse. He's got lazy. All of the romantic gestures have disappeared as well. It's like he's lost his imagination.

We have two kids (4 and 2) and he's fantastic with them. He chats and plays and jokes with them. Sometimes I hear him ask my dd a question. Might be something simple like 'what was your favourite bit of today?' and I think.... He wouldn't dream of asking me that! I don't want him to treat me like a child but I just wish some magic and wonder and excitement would come back.

18 month ago I remember having a conversation with a friend who had got divorced and actually thinking 'I can't relate to that happening at all' and now here I am wondering if he is the right person for me. I keep thinking as he gets older its going to get worse and worse.

I love him but it drives me mental and it's such a massively important part of the relationship. I work from home a lot and although have a fabulous support network of amazing friends I still want that intimate, happy, fun wonderful thing with my husband. I told him to many times now ... he just gets angry, goes even more quiet, doesn't look at me. But what else am I going to do? I just think he needs to learn how to be more active in a conversation. It all starts with questions but also an interest and desire to learn more from the other person. If he doesn't have that then we are truly screwed.

This thread resonates with me too. ExDP is very much an introvert, but used to make an effort. Then he just stopped, and retreated more and more into himself. I stopped making the effort (absolutely recognise the inane chatting in restaurants), and was shocked that it fell apart in a matter of weeks.

I've learnt there's a fine line between being quiet and introverted, and being passive aggressive. His friend said to me 'still waters run deep', and even DP thought this was funny as there just really wasn't that much going on inside his head.

I loved DP and wanted to stay together, but it didn't take me long to feel freer and lighter without feeling responsible for him. Some people genuinely are more emotionally self-sufficient, and don't have the same need for intimacy and communication.

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