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Please tell me, is this as bad as I think?

(185 Posts)

I really need advice, I just don't know what is normal anymore.

My DH works full time, often has to work til 1pm Saturday and sometimes Sunday too.

I was made redundant while on maternity leave with DD (who is now at school) and 3 years later had DS. DH's unpredictable hours would make it very difficult for me to work.

Last night we had an argument and he said he thinks I have used him to get what I want (kids and house) and now that I have it I've turned nasty.

His reasoning is that he doesn't get as much sex affection as he would like. My sex drive has nose-dived, I am always knackered, I do not find being a mother easy.

Every single time we have an argument he sneers get a job and says why don't we just get a divorce. The next morning it's like it never happened.

Is it normal for husbands or DP's to say things like this when you have an argument? I'm so tired of it. sad

I don't want to drip feed so I should say that around the time DD was born and for about a year after he was utterly vile to me. He used to say really horrible things. I threatened to leave and he promised to stop, which he did. But now I think maybe he hasn't stopped, maybe it was so bad back then that what he does now seems ok and not so bad?? <sigh>

House viewers have gone, seems to have gone ok. Someone is coming back for a second viewing tomorrow so that's good news.

I've been trying to call my Mum. She's not answering.

Feckssake Mon 21-Oct-13 13:18:43

Anybody who uses SpringtimeForHitler as a username is far too interesting to waste their time on someone who really dislikes them. Come on, OP, live up to the username! You know he's an arse, you know he dislikes you, why on earth would you stick it for another day?

TheGirlFromIpanema Mon 21-Oct-13 13:37:14

I wouldn't suggest couples counselling at all. Its not suggested as a good thing if one partner is showing signs of abusive behaviour - which your partner definitely is.

Its seems simplistic but sometimes LTB is the best way forward.

I will speak to him tonight once the kids are in bed.

The time for trying to work it out and talk about it has passed I think.

I really don't think I can be arsed to be honest.

Still he is calling me saying he will 'try to be nicer'. You shouldn't have to try to be nice to your wife and mother of your kids should you?

If I am going to do this then I need to present it as a done deal, I'm done, end of. Otherwise he will spend all night trying to hug me and talk me round. Still trying to get through to my Mum.

(Feckssake you made me grin )

Twinklestein Mon 21-Oct-13 14:05:23

Someone who has to try not to be a wanker is a wanker.

Thank you, by the way to everyone who replied, it's been really helpful.

It's strange doing the school run and sorting washing, all the while knowing my life ( and the kids ) is going to change so suddenly.

Hellokitten Mon 21-Oct-13 17:24:09

I told my abusive husband on the Monday night that I was leaving. I walked out Tuesday morning with nothing but the kids and the clothes on my back. He has done his damnedest to make my life hell since then, but I am honestly happier and the kids are both happier too.

Good luck

memorylapse Mon 21-Oct-13 18:45:05

Sadly it seems the norm in abusive relationships.

Over the years my H ignored the fact that I was dangerously ill, told me no one else would want me (that old chestnut) and escalated into dragging me down the hall by my hair after I challenged him about his affair.
When my marraige finally broke down because of his affair and after he came home from work screaming abuse at me for no reason-I snapped and rang WA the next day, they said he may not have been physically violent but he was emotionally abusive and that was still abuse, They helped me move and 18 months later me and the kids are very happy for the first time in years.

He is Mr nice guy, trying to get back in my good books all the time, the OW dumped him and he has lost control, but every so often I see a snippet of nastiness, when he doesnt get his own way and Im very relieved my marraige is over, the OW did a favour.
I get on with him but will never reconcile. Life is too short to spend with someone that treats you like that.
You deserve to be loved, respected and cherished.
Do not waste any more time investing in this awful man

Wellwobbly Mon 21-Oct-13 21:34:42

Good luck OP, tell us what happens.

Interesting that your friends don't like him.

saggyhairyarse Mon 21-Oct-13 21:38:23

Thats the exact same load of shite my EH used to lay on me. Course, when i offered to get an evening job, he would back track as that would involve looking after his own kids and losing valuable drinking time.

I held out til we actually moved as we were in a small village with the kids at school in a town about 5 miles away and I knew I wouldn't get a mortgage again. Moved, kicked his sorry arse to the curb, took on the mortgage and have never looked back.

I told him when he got home. I was going to tell him after kids where in bed but he asked me if I was still in a mood hmm so I said id had enough. He started with saying he wouldn't be nasty any more blah blah and I said sorry, it's too late. He then announced he wouldn't be moving out (his Dad lives alone and wouldn't have a problem taking him in.)

He doesn't believe me, I can tell. I think when he realises I'm serious he will be nasty but I'm prepared for that.

I managed to speak to my mum who has had some bad relationships in the past, and asked for complete honesty of what she thought I should do. She said I should get out and she will help me if that's what I want to do.

ElephantsEye Mon 21-Oct-13 22:19:31

Congratulations on making your decision!

RandomMess Mon 21-Oct-13 22:25:08

Onwards and upwards, so very glad your mum will help you, even if you have a property you should be eligible to claim Housing benefit for a years whilst it is being sold.

PomCuter Mon 21-Oct-13 22:28:41

Well done OP. Recommend you get yourself sorted to move out ASAP if you think he won't - once he realises you're serious he's likely to turn nasty (judging by what you've said of his past behaviour). You, and the kids, are better off away if/when he does turn nasty. My XP changed once he realised I was serious about leaving & I'm just glad we didn't have kids to think about aswell.

memorylapse Mon 21-Oct-13 23:04:35

I would also advise making plans to maybe at least go somewhere else until he is out of the house..I had to stay in my house for a month before I could move into another property and those few weeks were hell..during that time I became very frightened, he threatened to take the children, followed me round the house telling me what a bitch I was etc..I was so glad to get out.

Hellokitten Tue 22-Oct-13 08:13:39

Well done for making the decision. You can PM me if you want to chat. I'd agree that you might want to leave if he won't, I'm two months out and my ex is getting nastier each day. Don't let him make you wobble, these men are experts at arousing feelings of self doubt, responsibility and guilt. Don't engage with him, don't let him do that to you. You are doing the right thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Oct-13 08:19:59

Your mum sounds fantastic. Do stay safe now that you've told him it's over. Bullies can turn very nasty when they think they've lost. Good luck

mammadiggingdeep Tue 22-Oct-13 08:49:04

Good luck op.
you sound so strong and together!

Hope it all goes well x

whoselifeisitanyway Tue 22-Oct-13 09:00:44

You are not going to feel warmth and affection for him when he is so horrible to you. My ex was always angry with me and only perked up half an hour before trying it on. Then he wondered why I didn't want more sex. I don't see how you will resolve this if he is so fundamentally horrible. You are not going to change your feelings towards him.

He called me this morning talking as if nothing had happened. I reminded him of our conversation yesterday and he seemed surprised. Said 'I didn't think you where actually serious' hmm

I made it clear that I am serious and the begging and tears started.

I asked why it had taken me saying I wanted to split up for him to actually listen to my problems? He didn't have an answer.

I'm not going to fall for it, I've heard it all before. He said he didn't want to lose me, I said 'well you should have treated me better then shouldn't you'.

I've asked one if my friends to come round for a cuppa this afternoon, she could tell something was up when she saw me at school this morning. I suppose I will tell her.

My Mum is going to speak to landlords that have properties near Dds school, she says she will be my guarantor (sp?) if I need one.

Also says she will make sure I can carry on with my driving lessons.

I love my mum.

LamaDrama Tue 22-Oct-13 10:50:42

Your Mum sounds wonderful.

Is there anything you could give her for safe keeping?
Passports, Jewellery, Bank cards, Children's photos?

Im not scaremongering, but its amazing what these men will use as emotional tools to hurt you, when they know these things are precious to you.

I hid my bank book in the back of a cupboard and forgot where I had put it blush

You will be fine, Its worth it when you look back OP thanks

Xenadog Tue 22-Oct-13 10:56:43

Springtime I think you have been incredibly brave and strong in standing up to this bully. I have no doubt things will be tough for a while but once you are free of this controlling, manipulative piece of detritus you will wonder why it took you so long. I so wish you well.

Your mum sounds wonderful too - let friends and family know what's going on so they can support you.

TeaJunky Tue 22-Oct-13 15:10:13

Op I really don't think you should make any rash decisions.

There are many many bitter women on mumsnet, all talking from their own bad experiences. What you've written is just a snapshot of a man and a life together. Don't throw it all away with a few posts from random strangers.
Think about your situation and then make your own decision. Only you know how bad it is or if it's salvageable.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Oct-13 18:35:08

OP is old enough to make her own mind up don't you think TeaJunky? 9 years of him and starting this thread less than 48 hours' ago, I don't think MNers are that persuasive tbh.

Hope this topic hasn't raised any painful issues for you.

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