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Please tell me, is this as bad as I think?

(185 Posts)

I really need advice, I just don't know what is normal anymore.

My DH works full time, often has to work til 1pm Saturday and sometimes Sunday too.

I was made redundant while on maternity leave with DD (who is now at school) and 3 years later had DS. DH's unpredictable hours would make it very difficult for me to work.

Last night we had an argument and he said he thinks I have used him to get what I want (kids and house) and now that I have it I've turned nasty.

His reasoning is that he doesn't get as much sex affection as he would like. My sex drive has nose-dived, I am always knackered, I do not find being a mother easy.

Every single time we have an argument he sneers get a job and says why don't we just get a divorce. The next morning it's like it never happened.

Is it normal for husbands or DP's to say things like this when you have an argument? I'm so tired of it. sad

I don't want to drip feed so I should say that around the time DD was born and for about a year after he was utterly vile to me. He used to say really horrible things. I threatened to leave and he promised to stop, which he did. But now I think maybe he hasn't stopped, maybe it was so bad back then that what he does now seems ok and not so bad?? <sigh>

I should also say that we have just put our house on the market, and after last night I'm wondering should I buy another house with this man?

FallingInLoveIsHardOnTheKnees Mon 21-Oct-13 09:53:55

It was normal for my ex, but he was an abusive shitbag so no, not normal. He's trying to upset you, threatening divorce and winding you up about something he knows will get to you.
No, don't buy another house with him. And next time you threaten to leave, mean it. If he thinks you will continue to put up with it he has no reason to stop.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Oct-13 09:57:13

Depressingly normal for abusive/bullying men to show their true colours with the arrival of the first DC.... sorry. Once you're dependent on them, they really let rip. As with all bullies, stand up to him. If that doesn't work, consider making an independent life for yourself and your DCs. It's very bad behaviour you're describing.

Thank you both for replying.

It is bad isn't it? We got together 9 years ago when I was 19 so I have never really known anything different.

I asked him how exactly had I used him, asked him to give me one example. He said he couldn't, but that was how it felt to him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Oct-13 10:06:50

What you have to understand about controlling bullies (or emotionally abusive people) is that they are motivated by self and the world revolves around them. Other people are simply there to serve a purpose or be a means to an end. No matter if these other people get hurt... that's unimportant. So the bully will say or do whatever pops into their head to make sure they get what they want. He wants a submissive partner that is anxious to please so he has spent 9 years eroding your confidence and making you feel insecure. Why else would you be wondering if it was bad behaviour? You've been so well trained that you're doubting your own judgement.

Don't know what the age difference is between you but it is also depressingly common for an older man to choose a younger partner, knowing that they don't have the self-assurance or experience to see what they're up to.

Hellokitten Mon 21-Oct-13 10:09:11

Sounds like my husband. I walked out at the beginning of September. I couldn't live with his emotional abuse, nagging and bullying about sex, shouting and being horrible.
You don't have to put up with it.

kinkyfuckery Mon 21-Oct-13 10:09:21

It was perfectly 'normal' in my last serious relationship. But, like FallingInLove he was an abusive bastard and we are now divorced!

Unfortunately, it seems from these boards, that it can be normal. Not acceptable though! You are worth far more than that!

Definitely abusive. Get some legal advice and get rid. Men like this never improve because they are fundamentally incapable of seeing women as human beings.

He just called. Says he doesn't feel loved and if only I would give him more affection (sex) then he would be happy.

I said that he's allowed to be annoyed about a total lack of sex life, I know it's not ideal but that does not make it ok to talk to me like shit.

To be honest the reason I don't give him the affection he wants is because I can't forgive him for the things he said to me in the past. It was 4 years ago and I still cannot forgive. I feel like I don't want to open myself up to him because I don't know when he will turn nasty again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Oct-13 10:24:02

There it is. The classic emotionally abusive line.... 'If you were a better person, I wouldn't have to treat you so badly' Women are trapped in crappy relationships every day as they desperately try to be that 'better person' and please their version of your DH. Newsflash, he would be exactly the same no matter how many times you had sex.

You met him when you were young and thus had no life experience behind you.

Its not only you who is being affected by his abusive behaviour, your children are picking up on all this as well and are learning from the two of you as to how relationships are conducted.

I would urge you to get legal advice with a view to divorcing such a man asap. Such entitled men never change, they always blame others for their own inherent ills. Such men also hate women, all women actually.

Womens Aid also can and will help you.

Oh god you're right. I have put off writing a post on here, I knew I would get honest advice and I don't think I was ready for it til now.

Here is another example of oddness. I recently lost 2 stone, started taking more care of my appearance and have felt much more confident, much happier with myself. I have started driving lessons which I put off for years.

All of my friends and family have commented that I look nice and seem more happy in myself. My friends said 'oh your H must be loving the new you' and I realised he hadn't said anything. I asked him if he had realised how I had changed and he said he hadn't noticed, he sees me everyday after all.

Jesus.

LegoCaltrops Mon 21-Oct-13 10:32:44

He sounds a lot like my XP. bullying & emotional blackmail about sex (my XP used to threaten to cheat/use prostitutes if he didn't get enough). Temper tantrums when he doesn't get his own way.

Affection goes both ways, you can't give it unless you feel affectionate towards someone, secure & loved. It sounds like you're the one that's expected to do all the work here, does he even realise how aggressive he sounds. What's in it for you, emotionally. Very little by the sound of it.

Faffalina Mon 21-Oct-13 10:33:14

Interested to see what you will do OP. I have the same situation - he says he's rude because of lack of affection, and I say the lack of affection is due to rude, angry, horrible behaviour...

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Oct-13 10:39:56

It's not a coincidence that you've found some confidence in your appearance and driving skills etc and he's ramping things up and accusing you of using him and 'turning nasty'. As I said earlier, this type of man wants an insecure, controllable partner. Of course he's noticed the changes in you. That's why he's trying to bring you back down.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 21-Oct-13 10:45:47

It's not fair to be the metaphorical cat H kicks if he's feeling hard done by. A lot of people work awkward hours and/or partial weekends but still regard home as a sanctuary and look forward to seeing their partner and family.

How is he with family finances since your salary stopped? Is he inclined to think of it as his money? Does he rub it in your face you are financially dependent on him?

If this next move is going to be a financial stretch it will only add to the pressure.
If by moving you'll isolate yourself ie move further away from friends and family please reconsider. Can you drive, have you found an area you're considering?

A new house, a new stick to beat you with. Picture the day after you move in. If you don't do something to his satisfaction, or mention feeling shattered or have your hands full he'll tell you you're never satisfied or ungrateful or don't know when you're well off.

If he loves you and wants a happy confident spouse by his side he's got a funny way of showing it. It's hard to switch on Affectionate and Sexy when you've got someone glowering at you or finding fault.

What kind of support network if any do you have? If the house is on the market you could look into two smaller properties. He's away so often, if you did separate he'd hardly be there to have the DCs over much.

If you were to say "I should be so lucky" next time he says why don't we just get a divorce, it would be interesting to hear his reaction.

That's exactly it faffalina, but then I think, why would I want to be affectionate to a man that I'm pretty sure massively dislikes me?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 21-Oct-13 10:50:23

So slow typing I see you have started driving lessons, sorry. It does sound like he is aware you are wanting to get free of the box he puts you in.

Wellwobbly Mon 21-Oct-13 10:52:11

He just called. Says he doesn't feel loved and if only I would give him more affection (sex) then he would be happy.

- and bullying someone and making them feel like shit is the way to go about that?

Time for Relate or other counselling I think. Give him a chance to grow up learn how to be kinder and softer.

He transfers about £150 a month to my account, which I know is not a small amount of money, that is mine to do what I want with. If I need more for any reason he will usually give it to me, but will make it very clear that he isn't impressed.

A lot of times when we have argued before bed he will announce right I'm going to sleep now, SOME of us have got work in the morning

We wouldn't be moving far due to DD's school, I wouldn't be isolated. I have only just started driving lessons, my instructor thinks I could pass by the end of February next year.

There is no equity in the house. I would probably have to try and claim housing benefit on a rented property, luckily my mum works with a lot of landlords so would be able to help me out.

I have a group of lovely, very supportive friends, I know they would be behind me 100%, I haven't told them any of this yet, tho they know about the nastiness when DD was small but think that it's all forgotten about. I have put off telling them about the more recent stuff as I know there would be no going back then IYSWIM.

He would not consider counselling wellwobbly if I managed to get him there then I would sit in silence or say 'I don't know' to every question.

*he

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 21-Oct-13 11:07:11

He sounds like a petulant child. I'd remind him that sexually, acting like a petulant child is a huge turn off.

I'd expect a toddler to have their nose put out of joint by a new baby, but it sounds as if he has been sulking since your DD moved in to the attention zone.

Can you start looking for a job and some childcare?

Uurgh. He has just called me again, all darlings and I love you's. Saying he is just grumpy and tired from work.I said I'd heard it all before and I don't really care why he is vile anymore! it's not my problem why he is like that.

I have someone coming to view my house in a couple of hours, I have to do loads of tidying. I just want to lie on the sofa.

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