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Im not sure how to handle this...

(33 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 00:33:35

Dd 21. Her bf has spent the last 11 years in & out of prison. He's 25.

They've been together 4 years. He's a control freak. Hes gets physical as does she. Terrible arguments even whilst he was in prison. She has a good job, will be fully qualified in her field in another year. He's never had a job.

She won't leave him. He came out of prison last Friday. He's been at my house ever since. They didn't ask me if he could stay. If I tell her to leave, he'll have total control of her. I don't want him here. I don't get on very well with dd. She treated me very badly a few months ago- I was quite shocked at how horrible she was to me even though I've seen her treat friends badly I was still shocked by how she treated me.

She's 21. A grown up- is it time to let her go & lie in the bed she's made? or do I continue to support her in every respect even though i totally disagree with the choices she is making?

What would you do?

Nottalotta Tue 22-Oct-13 09:02:04

Don't set them up in a flat, that would be making life far too easy. Kick him out and send him on his wayvto the council. Tell her she can stay and that while you understand she wants to be with him,.you would like her to stay at least til shes done with her studies.

The council either won't help him or will put him in a hostel. Hopefully he will reoffend soon and he will be accommodated by Her Madge!

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 21:09:20

Thanks Chocydoo. I know your right...

Chocydoo Mon 21-Oct-13 20:28:08

Ive been your daughter. The only person that can change her life is her. You can tell her til you are sick of your own voice but she wont leave him until she is ready. And she will.....
Just let her know you are there and dont argue with her about it. It will only push her closer to him. Im so sorry, you must feel helpless. She obv has no idea how scared you are for her.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 20:23:26

They've been together 4 years.
I only met him about two & half years ago.

Dd has always been difficult, even as a young child. The whole situation with the bf has made it even more difficult.

TerrorTremor Mon 21-Oct-13 20:18:08

How long have they been together?

Has she just been horrible since she has been with him?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 20:08:31

Of course he will re offend! He's been in & out prison or young offenders institutions since he was 14. Last time he lasted 6 months before ending up back in prison.

Dd has been with him 4years & about 3 different sentences, the longest being two & half years. I can't stop her seeing him. In fact there is nothing more I can think of. I've tried every tactic but she wants to be with a criminal, ultimately I have to learn to tolerate her choice.

I wasn't in the court-dd told me about the CPS bringing up his history. I didn't think they were allowed to thst but I think it was relevant & thsts why it was allowed to be used by the CPS.

Dd is already a 'big sister'. The new baby is not very significant in her life.

Thanks for all the suggestions. At least I know I've tried & now I have to resign myself to the situation.

Tulip26 Mon 21-Oct-13 19:54:32

Is he likely to reoffend? The problem may solve itself if he ends up going to prison in the future.

I think you need to think of yourself and your baby first. You daughter is an adult and your relationship with her will improve when the baby comes and she gets to play "big sister."

Twinklestein Mon 21-Oct-13 19:43:04

I think you should aim at some later point to give your daughter the same help as you gave your son, but I would defer it. You'll end up enabling their relationship even more.

If she has to find her own accommodation, she will have to share with other people & that will make her a) a bit safer than being on her own with him & b) it will make the relationship less cushy to maintain.

You say he's not dangerous OP, but all controlling men are dangerous, even ones who haven't 'got physical' as he has in your words, or been to prison. That's not what you want to hear when you're pregnant, but it can't be avoided.

Corygal Mon 21-Oct-13 19:33:29

How long do you think it will be before he is inside again?

forumdonkey Mon 21-Oct-13 19:30:24

The way I see it whether they stay or go she intends to remain with him. I wouldn't have a known convicted criminal staying in my home. You say his crimes are 'silly' rather than dangerous, but his crimes are enough to incarcerate him. I wouldn't want to be associated with the local car theft or burglar and for that reason he wouldn't set foot over my threshold never mind live at my address. If it was me I would tell DD he is no longer welcome to stay and if she chooses to leave with him just make sure you leave the door open for your daughter.

I hope for your sake he gets locked up for a long time and while he is away your DD enjoys her freedom and makes new friends, leaves him and doesn't look back.

WinkyWinkola Mon 21-Oct-13 19:26:53

Yes. Mad to do the flat thing. Don't.

Get the bf to leave.

IComeFromALandDownUnder Mon 21-Oct-13 19:17:24

Yes you would be mad to help set them up in a flat together as a) you don't like the bf and b) your daughter does not deserve it. Tell your daughter he cannot stay any more. It is up to her whether she wants to move out or not. I do not know any parent who would allow a controlling convict to stay in their house. Best of luck op!

Roshbegosh Mon 21-Oct-13 19:13:55

But the jury aren't told about previous convictions until after the verdict is decided.

Do the flat thing if you can afford it and it's worth it to you to get them out of your hair.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 19:09:43

Sorry...just in from work stuff...

Yes he has a probation officer. I have a dp who loathes dd bf. He totally disagrees about the bf & given half a chance would throw the bf out.

Dd doesn't rebel against her bf, she conforms.
The bf has no idea how I feel. When I told my ds how I felt about the bf he was really shocked.

Im considering offering to set dd up in a flat. Ive just helped ds & his gf so it wouldn't seem to odd a thing to offer dd. But I want her to be able to keep the flat after the bf goes to prison again. He will end up in prison as he doesn't know any other way.

He would have got 7 years as it would have been his 3rd conviction of the same crime in just under 4 yesrs. 'Third strike' was how his barrister referred to it. The barrister was very brutal& said as soon as his previous became known to the jury, it would go against him...it didn't!

Would I be mad to do the flat thing? Any other suggestions? Im exhausted thinking about it!

ImperialBlether Mon 21-Oct-13 11:34:48

So he was found innocent of a crime that would have got him 7 years and even his own barrister was amazed?

Does he have a probation officer at the moment?

Do you have a partner, OP?

noddyholder Mon 21-Oct-13 11:04:17

He needs to go to start with. Just tell them it sounds horrendous and why should he have the benefit of all you work for when he has repeatedly been in prison and learned nothing?

bigbrick Mon 21-Oct-13 11:01:41

Agree with mammadiggingdeep. Your dd is being very selfish to impose her bf on you like this.

ImperialBlether Mon 21-Oct-13 10:56:23

Oh he'll know you don't like him. He will have gathered that from the tiniest clues.

She does sound like a bully and in a way I wonder whether that will protect her in the end from being controlled by him. Does she do exactly as he wants or does she rebel?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 21-Oct-13 10:02:26

At 26 weeks pregnant I think he needs to go and unfortunately, if that means she goes too, so be it. I feel for you but she is old enough to understand why he can't be in your family home. God, at 26 weeks pregnant I wouldn't want my dd's bf moving in, even if he was great and a positive influence!!! If they want to love together they can move out....

Look after yourself and your unborn dc xx

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 09:52:35

Thanks for the replies.

Im 26:weeks pregnant & no I can't relax or sleep properly. ..bloody 3am when I dropped off up at 645.

He was on a third strike so basically he's committed the same crime repeatedly. Hes not dangerous just stupid!

Dd is incredibly lucky as she is a very well paid apprentice. Possibly one of the best in the uk & she's not short of money but its expensive where we are in the uk.

Im sure in time she'll look back & realise how crap he was but there's no getting through to her. She's good looking, intelligent etc. When it comes to the bf, she's totally indifferent to anyone's opinion or point of view.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 21-Oct-13 08:36:34

Poor you op. what a situation to be in!

I don't think you should have him there. Somebody with that lifestyle will bring trouble to your door. Make sure your dd knows she's welcome to stay and he can visit but that he can't live there.

At some point you have to let her love with the consequences of the choice she's made to be with him. Possibly things have got to hit rock bottom for her to want to leave him.

Awful for you I know. Are you pregnant now op? If so, you need a calm household. Having him there will cause you stress and tension even if you feel like you're coping with it. Are you able to fully relax when he's there?

Roshbegosh Mon 21-Oct-13 08:26:07

I would put up with it until she finishes her studies and at least she can support herself after that. She may not be so inclined to support him so hopefully it will reach its own ending. If you throw them out now she may quit her studies and then her independence and choices in future will be seriously reduced.

WinkyWinkola Mon 21-Oct-13 08:16:00

He was expecting a 7 year stretch in prison? Gosh. What did he do?

I just wouldn't allow someone like that in my home. Do you feel safe op?

Your dd should aim higher in love. Can you talk to her at about the freedoms that should exist within a normal relationship?

Will her association with this creep affect her career? Is he likely to reoffend?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 07:43:46

Yes Gilmour.
That went on until September. I told her to like it or lump itvin end. Things aren't the way they were. Better and more distant. She has stuff she to do around house etc.

Oh he has a scary level of control over dd- its not subtle either! I thought I hsd seen some control freaks in my time but this guy is something else. What she does, eats, wears, friends absolutely everything.

I will be telling her he can't stay. They both know I dont want him here-they both left before I was up today at 6.45. I realise I am facilitating the relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Oct-13 07:12:32

I'm not at all sure he has total control over her. What's certain is that the pair of them seem to have too much control over you. You describe her as 'vocal and honest' ... but it sounds like she's just a bully. So stand up for yourself, tell him to leave, tell her you don't like the guy and, if she chooses to go with him, that's just a chance you have to take.

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