Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sister wins lots of money but unwilling to treat anyone.

(83 Posts)
songlark Sun 20-Oct-13 20:44:15

I know its hers to do with what she wants but as her only sister I expected something off her. I know for a fact that if it had been me I would have got more joy from treating her than the actual win itself. She's not won a fortune but £150.000 is hardly peanuts either. The thing that really irks me is, throughout all our adult lives she has always been terrible with money and I've always helped her out by lending her money, never knowing when I'm getting it back, even though I didn't have much myself. I've always helped out with minding her children when she was stuck. Basically I've just always been there for her. Then the other week she phoned to say she'd won about 150 grand, I was over the moon for her but as the days went by she's telling me all the things she's going to do with the money. Now I could understand this more if she'd decided to bank the money or invest for a rainy day, but it seems like she's going to have a right good spend up. I just feel very hurt that she she has no intention of treating me, not even a night out. Am I being presumptuous in expecting my sister to treat me. Makes me wonder what anyone else would do if it were them that got such a windfall?

Jellyrollgumdrop Sun 20-Oct-13 21:50:46

Yanbu... my sil a 250k windfall 8 years ago, she still hasn't told us about it!!

Naw, I would not drop a hint, I'd ask 'Where's my share?' grin[not subtle]

DeckSwabber Sun 20-Oct-13 21:57:19

Maybe its early days and she has something fab planned for Christmas?

Jelly, how do you know about your SiL's 250K? shock

NotScared Sun 20-Oct-13 22:00:09

Eee fancy that Jelly. How did you all find out?

Bahhhhhumbug Sun 20-Oct-13 22:09:19

Worse part is she thinks you want to hear her bragging about what she has bought etc. Why on earth would she think that? It is just rubbing your nose in it. If she not going to share it next time she mentions it l would tell her in no uncertain terms you don't want to hear anymore about it.
Reminds me of these lottery winners who bleat on about they're gonna stay in their same little semi and still do their cleaning job and then wonder why everyone around them isn't as thrilled about their good fortune as they are and some people are even downright hostile hmm.

tallulah Sun 20-Oct-13 22:14:00

Do you know, if I won that sort of money it just wouldn't occur to me to 'treat' my brother. And if he won money it wouldn't occur to me to expect anything. Perhaps we are just odd.

Bumpotato Sun 20-Oct-13 22:15:09

She's possibly using the money to pay off gambling debts. How exactly did she win it?

DanglingChillis Sun 20-Oct-13 22:16:16

Just had a discussion withs DH about this. For us, that amount of money could mean we coud pay off our current mortgage but not the one we are thinking about taking on when we sell this house and buy a four bedroomed house (we have 3DC). So I'm not entirely sure we would be flashing the cash with our family. Maybe a meal out? Without a doubt I'd buy serious gifts if I got more money but £150k isn't a life changing amount, we've lost a good share of that just by having children and taking maternity leave and dropping to part time.

But if your sister is poor enough to have to borrow from you then it is more money to her. I agree with the PP who say just don't lend her any more.

DeckSwabber Sun 20-Oct-13 22:20:13

Well, if someone has done you favours in the past it seems rude not to do something for them. But perhaps she simply sees you as the one who is always in control and having what you need.

holidaysarenice Sun 20-Oct-13 22:36:17

Tbh I think yabu expecting a share. She borrowed from you in the past however you haven't said that she didn't pay it back. You are asking for a gift.

I certainly wouldn't ask anyone for money. If my dbro/sis gave some I'd be delighted. But it is their money to do as they please with.

Tbh you sound a little jealous. Jealous that she who is not good with money and has had to resort to borrowing now has money to spend and you don't.

SpookyWerewolf Sun 20-Oct-13 22:44:36

I think its hard because although its a big sum of money, it could easily end up all spent on a home. We dont have a home of our own or a deposit, so if we won money a home of our own would be our top priority.

But this is maybe not the case for her if she's looking to have a bit of a spending spree.

After securing a home, I'd really want to pay back (and treat) my MIL and parents who have helped us out at various points in the past when we have been hard up and then a bit for siblings and very close friends - but I have a big family so it would really depend on the size of the win how much this would be. But certainly, I hope I'd treat them to smaller things that might mean a lot to them at the very least, just to share the luck and let them know I'm thinking of them.

You can either stay quiet and hope she finds her generous gene off her own back contrary to past behaviour, and resent her for spending it on other things.

Or you accept that she's a bit thoughtless, that she could be overlooking you not out of spite but because she's a bit self-centered, and may have always assumed you were comfortable financially and hint/say outright that she'll be able to pay you back now. Its probably what she would have done if you'd won money an hadn't (yet) treated her.

The timid, anxious part of me that hates making a fuss would probably have always done the former. But, I'm beginning to become more confident and this newer side of me would tend towards the latter because I'd feel that the other way sets her up to fail a secret test, from which you will infer means things about her relationship with you and I don't think that's fair.

Maybe she's not as thoughtful as you are, she's caught up in the excitement and may not have thought of treating you and that hurts. Of course it does. But you compound that if you silently resent her for something that she might have resolved if you had been open with her.

Diamanda Sun 20-Oct-13 22:46:33

It's only been a week since she found out she won this money? Perhaps she hasn't received it yet and she's planning to treat you in good time.

Sounds like she's in the early stages of surprise and is already spending it before she gets it by telling everyone what she is going to do. She does sound utterly rubbish with money though so even if she does have a right old spend up without including you, you can bet your bottom dollar she'll be skint again pretty sharpish. Back to square one. Don't lend her any money again if this happens.

Lighthousekeeping Sun 20-Oct-13 22:50:00

It's still early days. Although I once knew someone who won millions and never gave his uncle who brought him up a penny so, nothing surprises me.

SpookyWerewolf Sun 20-Oct-13 23:03:59

I agree with the PP who say its early days to be sure that she isn't thinking of you, if she wanted to surprise you with something nice, she'd be unlikely to tell you right now. But then I wouldn't be holding my breath either.

If one of my siblings was lucky, I'd be delighted if they shared it, but I wouldn't necessarily expect it and I hope I wouldn't resent them if they didn't.

If you have lent her money in the past, then it's time to ask for it back imo...

songlark Sun 20-Oct-13 23:16:53

Yes I could understand it more if I had money myself but she knows that like most people these days I struggle. Never in a million years am I jealous. Like I said I was over the moon for her when I found out what she'd won. If she was going to be sensible with it and maybe invest for the kids future, fair enough but she's no intention of that. She's talked about holidays she wants, new car, furniture and stuff like that. That's what bugs me, she intends to spend it....but only on herself.

aurynne Mon 21-Oct-13 00:49:33

Threads like these are exactly the reason why, if I even win anything, I will not tell a single person about it.

Hookedonclassics Mon 21-Oct-13 06:32:00

At least you won't feel obliged to lend her money or child-mind for her in the future.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Oct-13 06:35:11

Sorry but your optimism that she'd have more luck if she did the right thing is kind of ironic.... grin She's already been incredibly lucky with her windfall so any ideas of Karma or natural justice are just whistling in the wind. Luck has nothing to do with how good a person you are... it's just luck.

springylippy Mon 21-Oct-13 12:08:15

I'd suggest you say 'are you going to share it a bit?' to open up the convo. But I'm one to talk, the very same phrase sticks in my throat with my very rich sister who doesn't even think of 'sharing' any of her considerable riches with anyone else. You could add 'you know, with people who have helped you out in the past, family and that'.

the fact that she's telling you all about the stuff she's going to spend it on shows it hasn't even occured to her to share it. She's my sister isn't she. Vivian whatshername (spent it all). You do know she's going to power her way through it, yes? and that next year she'll be back to 'poor' and dobbing off you.

SpottyDottie Mon 21-Oct-13 12:32:14

I wouldn't expect anything BUT I would not help out in future e.g if she blew the lot, no more lending little bits here and there. Perhaps you should advise her to save some of it for a rainy day.

Miserably Mon 21-Oct-13 12:32:29

I'm shocked at people saying you should ask/drop hints for some money! Unless you want to appear greedy and demanding, and possibly fall out, please don't do this.

If I won that I'd buy/put it towards a house, and it would be gone. And I'm not selfish or spiteful at all, nor am I particularly wise and sensible with money. As you say, it's not exactly millions so it wouldn't go far. I might keep a bit back to get close friends and family some nice presents at Christmas or go on holiday, but nothing hugely extravagant.

anon2013 Mon 21-Oct-13 12:38:51

Maybe £150k clears all her debts with only a little bit left over?. She's being a tight cow though. Money does bring out the worst in people

JRmumma Mon 21-Oct-13 12:48:18

See what you get for Xmas. If it was me id give the immediate family a bit, or maybe pay for a holiday for us all, but the money would be mine so id do what i saw fit with it and sort myself out as a priority.

Do you have in mind how much of it she should give you or spend on you? If you feel you have a right to some of it, chances are you wont be satisfied with whatever you get/got anyway.

£150k isn't really that much if you have a mortgage you'd like to pay off, and if you also have a couple of credit cards and need a new car etc there really wont be much left.

I do think that she should probably treat you though, if you do alot for her and you are her only sibling.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now