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why does she always call me fat?

(59 Posts)
FunnysInLaJardin Sun 20-Oct-13 20:43:10

I love my mother but she and my dad have always called me fat. I have been anywhere from 10 to 14 stone and I am always too fat.

She is staying with us for a couple of nights and I stupidly let my guard down and whilst looking at Hello said 'oh look at Andy Mc Dowell and her daughter, we should be like that'

She with out a breath said well I don't know where you got you genetics from as me and your father are both very skinny.

This happens a lot. I am a successful person with a lovely family and in a few words she makes me feel like shit.

Just another wedge I suppose, another little bitter comment to alienate me even further.

But why does she do it?

BTW she is a tiny size 6 I suppose and I am a 16-18. sad and angry

notagiraffe Mon 21-Oct-13 23:02:09

OP, it's so sad that this comes between you. Call her on it. Next time she says it, say: 'Why does my size upset you so much? You always say something about it, so it must matter to you. Why?' See what she says. Then you can actually talk to her about it. If she thinks you'd be happier, or more successful etc, you can put her right.

You could even wait until your sister is there too, so you can both ask her about it.

anywinewilldo Mon 21-Oct-13 22:51:46

These comments really resonate with me too, but my DM takes a different line of attack. I have always been slim, but have always also been pretty flat-chested, 34AA at best.

My DM, usually at large family gatherings or when her friends pop round when we are visiting her, will say, if the conversation can possibly be steered in that direction "well, she's never had much up top" in my hearing or, turning to me in a group conversation, "well, you've never had much up top, have you?".........

WHY??sad

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 21-Oct-13 22:30:00

Thank you SDTG that brought a tear to my eye it really did. My mother can be lovely but that last comment has really done it for me and her. My father has done the same as has my middle sister and one nasty comment too many is really the straw. I will pick her up on it the next time and will be ready, but why should it come to this? I love her for who she is, why can't she love me back in the same way.

As an entirely side note, my middle sister has always suffered from awful depression. I have also had some very dark times and when one evening I said to her I know how awful it is to feel hellish she shot back 'how on earth would you know how any of this feels'. So another family member who has hardened my heart against them. I open up and get shot down because other than being fat I have the perfect life.

Fucking bitches thlgrin

wordfactory Mon 21-Oct-13 18:49:22

Things I have said to my Aunt when she is being horrid to my cousin:

Auntie, I know you have issues around weight and I feel so sorry for you. Don't you think you might need to seek professional help?

Auntie, if a mother cannot act as her daughter's number one cheer leader, she'd not much use as a mother.

Auntie, I can only hope my daughter turns out as happy and successful as yours.

Auntie, stop being so silly. Your daughter is bloody georgous!

dobedobedo Mon 21-Oct-13 18:11:30

The last time I was pregnant, I hadn't seen my mum for ages and I showed up at her door, six months gone. She looked at me, after not seeing me for a year, and said "oh my goodness you've put on way too much weight" cheers mum. Can't diet now, can I? Grrr.

MadeOfStarDust Mon 21-Oct-13 17:55:06

another one with a "fattist" mum here..... I see her every other year as I cannot be bothered to travel to see someone who does not show any love or respect for me....

last time it was 8 min before she mentioned my weight (I time it every time) - in front of my 2 pre-teen daughters.... (I am overweight, she is overweight, they are not) - we had picked her up at the airport and waiting for the lift at the car park she said "we'll take the lift, your mummy needs to use the stairs really"

because she said it in front of my girls I actually asked her the classic "Did you mean to be so rude mum? What an unkind thing to say"

I actually got an "Oh? I'm sorry"..... and SHE DIDN'T MENTION MY WEIGHT AGAIN!

Walkacrossthesand Mon 21-Oct-13 17:41:15

This thread has reminded me of a friend of my (late) DM, now in her 80s. Our families were close, and the friend struggled with her weight all her adult life - until post-menopause, since when she's been slim. Her daughter (my age) is very active, naturally slim (size 8-10) but I've only recently realised how focused their household is around size. The daughter got massively upset recently because she'd put on a few pounds. And I remembered the mum saying to me (when I'd put on weight a few years ago after overshooting the 'regaining after divorce diet' thing) - 'what a shame, you were so attractive when you were slim.' Wtf? I feel for the daughter, listening to that poison 'drip dripping' daily.

Darkesteyes Mon 21-Oct-13 17:39:35

YY SDTG There are a lot of emotionally abusive mothers out there busily proving that domestic abuse isnt only commited by partners.

Treadheavily - I would say the same to your mum, with the addendum that if she calls your dd fat one more time, she won't be seeing her again. Neither you nor your dd deserve this cruelty, and you should protect both her and yourself.

You and Funnys are both beautiful people who deserve to be treated like the lovely ladies you are.

Next time she calls you fat, could you say something along these lines?

"Mum - every time you call me fat, it really hurts me, and I am not prepared to put up with it any more. Either the fat comments stop, or I don't see how I can go on spending time with you. You know it hurts me - now STOP!!"

treadheavily Mon 21-Oct-13 17:16:13

My mother has been calling me fat for as long as I can remember. Though I am not fat.

The worst part is hat she calls my daughter fat, too. My beautiful, (petite) little girl.

dobedobedo Mon 21-Oct-13 17:13:43

I don't really know what to suggest, some good ones here. My mum is exactly the same as yours btw.

I'm about the same size as you and PREGNANT. And the other day my mum called and asked how the morning sickness was. I told her I managed to eat "quite a bit" today. She went on and on about how I didn't need to eat loads and I need to be careful cos I'm so overweight.

I informed her that "quite a bit" meant I only puked up one of the two small meals I'd eaten that day, and then I said "AND I'VE LOST OVER A STONE SINCE BEING PREGNANT, WHICH YOU'LL BE GLAD TO HEAR. WHO GIVES A FUCK IF IT DAMAGES THE BABY." blush
I swear she turns me into a moody teenager.

I don't even live in the same country as she does. And the main reason I've not visited it in about a year is because I can't stand her comments.

Our mothers are cowbags! thlangry

Darkesteyes Mon 21-Oct-13 17:04:24

Oh and the first thing she asked about ex OM was Was he good looking.
He was to me because we had amazing sexual chemistry and there was a strong connection.
Why cant people GET that Why does it have to be based on looks all the time.

Darkesteyes Mon 21-Oct-13 17:01:31

My mum can be a bit like this She worshipped Princess Di when i was growing up. "Lose some weight you look horrible" she said I lost ten stone going from a size 28 to a 12/14
(shes not the reason i did it) and then shed give me a couple of size 10 skirts (if you lose a bit more you could fit into these.) That was a few years back now Ive been back at Slimming World for over a month and have lost 10 and a half pounds and almost one dress size going from a 20 and now slowly coming into an 18.
Unfortunately i know other ppl like this.
Ive recently bumped into an old college acquaintance a couple of times. She is bigger herself but has PCOS. But shes very critical of everyone elses appearance. We were standing outside a local supermarket recently when she said "turn round and look at the girl behind you" i did and there was a girl in a burgundy bandage type dress. College acq said "would you wear that if you had those lumps and bumps everywhere.
I was stunned and said Yes i would The young woman was no more than a size 12 14 at a push (smaller than me or her)
But thats not the point Why does it have to be about appearance at all. I was reminded of why i never liked her at college tbh. Back then she criticised one of my boyfriends because he wasnt good looking enough.
Then the other week she started going on about how lucky i am to have a husband who stays with me even though im bigger. So i said it made no diff as he hadnt touched me for years.
I let slip that i had OM for a while and then she intimated that i only got an OM because of getting down to a size 12.
a. i was a 14 to 16 when we met
b. my weight fluctuated a bit during my affair but didnt make any difference to it at all.
There was a lot more to my affair than my fucking dress size. the mind boggles at people who can be this shallow and stupid.

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 21-Oct-13 16:14:44

That's entirely it You. I will have to say something to her the next time she makes a comment as I can't keep reliving this everytime it happens.

Tell you what, sometimes my life seems like a constant reinforcement of boundaries between the children, work and my family. It's hard work sticking up for yourself all the time!

Yougotbale Mon 21-Oct-13 15:45:54

Funny - I see. So it's your mum's definition of fat, which is different to yours. You don't think there is anything wrong with being fat. What you don't like is your mum's perception of fat and where her comments come from?

You can either interpret being called 'fat', by your mum, as how you see the word.

Or explain to her that the word doesn't bother you, (like being told to 'go to hell' as a non-Christian doesn't affect me). But her sentiment behind the word comes from a negative and spiteful place, which isn't healthy for a happy relationship.

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 21-Oct-13 15:34:34

You I have days when I feel fat and days when I feel fine, but no matter what my weight I have felt exactly the same. I was more than capable of feeling fat at 9 stone and I would go as far as to say I have never ever felt thin enough, not since puberty tbh

Catchhimatwhat Mon 21-Oct-13 15:30:30

Saying that thin people look haggard and ill is horrid and will just make the situation worse! Bringing more negativity. Avoid that!

It sounds like your patches have real issues if a portiin of fish and chips lasts three meals, they've never had a chocolate bar for fun. I feel sorry for them.
Can you not say the comments are hurtful?

EldritchCleavage Mon 21-Oct-13 15:27:14

I think people who prize thinness to such an extreme degree and judge people adversely for being fat can be furious with family members they see as being overweight for letting the side down, and forcing them to associate publicly with something they fear and despise.

Same with people who would not have as a friend a person they saw as fat. Fat is, to them, low status and since appearance is everything, why would they associate with a person of manifestly low status?

OP, you can't change your mother's attitudes but I do urge you to stand up for yourself and find a means to stop your mother voicing her distaste to you.

My mother has mild food and weight issues and as she gets older has begun constantly going on about all the overweight people around. I don't want my children to hear this, particularly. But it is hard to get my mother to stop without hurting her.

Yougotbale Mon 21-Oct-13 15:18:47

Funny - ok, you don't see being fat as a bad thing. Do you think you are fat?

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo Mon 21-Oct-13 14:57:13

I'd be tempted to reply to her fat phobia "talking about weight, you are looking very old and haggard, are you ill? If not then you really need to put some weight on".

Either that or shout BOOOOOORRRRRRRIIINNGGGG in her face.

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 21-Oct-13 14:42:06

You I don't think being fat= a bad thing, but my mum certainly does. She is highly critical of people who are 'fat' and her and my Dad take great pleasure in eeking out food for as long as possible as 'they don't need much food'. For example they will make a normal sized portion of fish and chips last them for 3 evening meals and a normal sized joint of meat will last the week.

I have never ever seen either of them over eat ie eat a chocolate bar for the fun of it.

So the implication of me being told I am fat is that I lack self control and so am a worse person as a result.

DH did stick up for me and retaliated along the lines of well you are anorexic, but I felt too crushed to say anything further. I certainly won't retaliate by being nasty but what I may do next time is say 'Do you know how hurtful your comments are?'

Meek I have often wondered that too and can now see my middle sister doing the same to her daughter. I suspect it stems from jealousy and a certain bitterness

itwasarubythatshewore Mon 21-Oct-13 14:28:28

xenadog What you have suggested the OP says to her mother about her body is just as vile and unacceptable as what the OP is rightly complaining about. It's not OK to be nasty to someone about their weight or body shape FULLSTOP, nor to call into question their womanliness or sexual desirability based on that. That goes for ALL sizes and shapes - big or small.

Yougotbale Mon 21-Oct-13 14:27:03

Is being fat a bad thing? I'm not fat but I didn't see it as a bad thing, just an adjective.

OP - why do you think being fat is bad? And why do you think your mum sees it as a negative?

meekenough Mon 21-Oct-13 13:48:48

A lot of mothers do this, why?

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