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why does she always call me fat?

(59 Posts)
FunnysInLaJardin Sun 20-Oct-13 20:43:10

I love my mother but she and my dad have always called me fat. I have been anywhere from 10 to 14 stone and I am always too fat.

She is staying with us for a couple of nights and I stupidly let my guard down and whilst looking at Hello said 'oh look at Andy Mc Dowell and her daughter, we should be like that'

She with out a breath said well I don't know where you got you genetics from as me and your father are both very skinny.

This happens a lot. I am a successful person with a lovely family and in a few words she makes me feel like shit.

Just another wedge I suppose, another little bitter comment to alienate me even further.

But why does she do it?

BTW she is a tiny size 6 I suppose and I am a 16-18. sad and angry

Anniegetyourgun Mon 21-Oct-13 07:03:45

No, she bloody doesn't, and nor should she. It is so clearly not about health. If it were, wouldn't the mother give some tiny clue like saying, oh, at random, "I'm worried about your health"?

Anyway 16-18 isn't dangerously obese, unless the OP is about 4' tall.

Xenadog Mon 21-Oct-13 07:21:04

The next time your mother says anything about your weight flash back at her with this one: "Oh mother, when a woman gets to a certain age you do have to choose you know. Your face or your figure. I would much rather have a pretty face than walk down the street, get a wolf whistle, turn and smile and then see a man grimace at how skeletal and OLD I look! I enjoy my curves and womanliness - DH would simply HATE me to be a bag of OLD bones, nothing to snuggle up to in bed you know!"

Every the evil old harridan made a comment about your weight I would fire one right back about how old skinny women look and how unattractive it is.

Your mother makes these comments because you have allowed her to so you do need to take some responsibility for this but she IS your mother and we (often mistakenly) presume mothers have our best interests at heart - it seems like your mother has her own issues and is pretty unpleasant.

Good luck with her.

roughtyping Mon 21-Oct-13 07:21:40

OP, really sympathise. Have similar. Thought I was fat at a size 8 6 months after having DS. Am now a 14 and my mum is disgusted. Blah.

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 21-Oct-13 10:10:10

Thanks everyone and Atilla that is interesting about my dad being my mums enabler. She admits she was anorexic when she was younger and my dad is very rude about anyone he deems to be over weight. If he see's someone in the street who is large he will say very loudly 'oh look at the size of her, how revolting' etc. My mum also does this, it's almost as if to say look how disgusting and out of control these fat people are compared to us.

God, it's just so tiring. I have had to spend a lot of time accepting myself for who I am and comments like that can really cut to the quick. It's like actually no matter what you think you aren't acceptable after all.

wordfactory Mon 21-Oct-13 10:37:45

OP I suspect that you parents are extremely unhappy people.

No one who was happy and outward looking would care a jot about someone's weight if they were happy and successful and healthy. It would make no sense would it?

The best bet is to see it for what it is!

That said, I would pull tem up on it. Or get your DH to do so if you find it uncomfortable.

I have an Aunt who does this to her daughter all the time. Her daughter is in a good job and is happily married (somehting my Aunt has never had), but her weight and appearance are considered a huge issue. I can tell you one thing, if my father were alive he would put his sister straight!!!!! Certainly, I step in if it's done in my presence!!!!

GeekLove Mon 21-Oct-13 11:14:11

I think she is jealous of you if other than what she says you are happy with your physique and your level of fitness. What makes people who have issues but are in denial of them really unhappy is other people being happy.

Whocansay Mon 21-Oct-13 11:17:34

I'd buy the biggest cream cake known to man and eat in front of her. Very slowly and enjoy every bite!

Then, do the head tilt thing and tell her she looks a bit drawn and haggard and suggest she'd look a bit better if she gained a few pounds.

She's a cow.

frogslegs35 Mon 21-Oct-13 13:07:11

How awful!
It's not big and certainly not clever but I'd probably do what xenadog said above and retaliate with a few put downs of my own about skinny. I usually wouldn't ever comment nor make anyone feel bad for being fat/skinny/blue with green spots/whatever but in this situation a verbal 'kick in the muff' to your toxic mother won't hurt wink

tomatoplantproject Mon 21-Oct-13 13:14:03

My mum does this too - she judges people by weight and always has done. She always comments on my weight. She just can't help herself - I had a bit of a pop at her recently and time will tell if it has sunk in - granny used to be the same. I'm determined not to focus on weight with dd.

meekenough Mon 21-Oct-13 13:48:48

A lot of mothers do this, why?

Yougotbale Mon 21-Oct-13 14:27:03

Is being fat a bad thing? I'm not fat but I didn't see it as a bad thing, just an adjective.

OP - why do you think being fat is bad? And why do you think your mum sees it as a negative?

itwasarubythatshewore Mon 21-Oct-13 14:28:28

xenadog What you have suggested the OP says to her mother about her body is just as vile and unacceptable as what the OP is rightly complaining about. It's not OK to be nasty to someone about their weight or body shape FULLSTOP, nor to call into question their womanliness or sexual desirability based on that. That goes for ALL sizes and shapes - big or small.

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 21-Oct-13 14:42:06

You I don't think being fat= a bad thing, but my mum certainly does. She is highly critical of people who are 'fat' and her and my Dad take great pleasure in eeking out food for as long as possible as 'they don't need much food'. For example they will make a normal sized portion of fish and chips last them for 3 evening meals and a normal sized joint of meat will last the week.

I have never ever seen either of them over eat ie eat a chocolate bar for the fun of it.

So the implication of me being told I am fat is that I lack self control and so am a worse person as a result.

DH did stick up for me and retaliated along the lines of well you are anorexic, but I felt too crushed to say anything further. I certainly won't retaliate by being nasty but what I may do next time is say 'Do you know how hurtful your comments are?'

Meek I have often wondered that too and can now see my middle sister doing the same to her daughter. I suspect it stems from jealousy and a certain bitterness

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo Mon 21-Oct-13 14:57:13

I'd be tempted to reply to her fat phobia "talking about weight, you are looking very old and haggard, are you ill? If not then you really need to put some weight on".

Either that or shout BOOOOOORRRRRRRIIINNGGGG in her face.

Yougotbale Mon 21-Oct-13 15:18:47

Funny - ok, you don't see being fat as a bad thing. Do you think you are fat?

EldritchCleavage Mon 21-Oct-13 15:27:14

I think people who prize thinness to such an extreme degree and judge people adversely for being fat can be furious with family members they see as being overweight for letting the side down, and forcing them to associate publicly with something they fear and despise.

Same with people who would not have as a friend a person they saw as fat. Fat is, to them, low status and since appearance is everything, why would they associate with a person of manifestly low status?

OP, you can't change your mother's attitudes but I do urge you to stand up for yourself and find a means to stop your mother voicing her distaste to you.

My mother has mild food and weight issues and as she gets older has begun constantly going on about all the overweight people around. I don't want my children to hear this, particularly. But it is hard to get my mother to stop without hurting her.

Catchhimatwhat Mon 21-Oct-13 15:30:30

Saying that thin people look haggard and ill is horrid and will just make the situation worse! Bringing more negativity. Avoid that!

It sounds like your patches have real issues if a portiin of fish and chips lasts three meals, they've never had a chocolate bar for fun. I feel sorry for them.
Can you not say the comments are hurtful?

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 21-Oct-13 15:34:34

You I have days when I feel fat and days when I feel fine, but no matter what my weight I have felt exactly the same. I was more than capable of feeling fat at 9 stone and I would go as far as to say I have never ever felt thin enough, not since puberty tbh

Yougotbale Mon 21-Oct-13 15:45:54

Funny - I see. So it's your mum's definition of fat, which is different to yours. You don't think there is anything wrong with being fat. What you don't like is your mum's perception of fat and where her comments come from?

You can either interpret being called 'fat', by your mum, as how you see the word.

Or explain to her that the word doesn't bother you, (like being told to 'go to hell' as a non-Christian doesn't affect me). But her sentiment behind the word comes from a negative and spiteful place, which isn't healthy for a happy relationship.

FunnysInLaJardin Mon 21-Oct-13 16:14:44

That's entirely it You. I will have to say something to her the next time she makes a comment as I can't keep reliving this everytime it happens.

Tell you what, sometimes my life seems like a constant reinforcement of boundaries between the children, work and my family. It's hard work sticking up for yourself all the time!

Darkesteyes Mon 21-Oct-13 17:01:31

My mum can be a bit like this She worshipped Princess Di when i was growing up. "Lose some weight you look horrible" she said I lost ten stone going from a size 28 to a 12/14
(shes not the reason i did it) and then shed give me a couple of size 10 skirts (if you lose a bit more you could fit into these.) That was a few years back now Ive been back at Slimming World for over a month and have lost 10 and a half pounds and almost one dress size going from a 20 and now slowly coming into an 18.
Unfortunately i know other ppl like this.
Ive recently bumped into an old college acquaintance a couple of times. She is bigger herself but has PCOS. But shes very critical of everyone elses appearance. We were standing outside a local supermarket recently when she said "turn round and look at the girl behind you" i did and there was a girl in a burgundy bandage type dress. College acq said "would you wear that if you had those lumps and bumps everywhere.
I was stunned and said Yes i would The young woman was no more than a size 12 14 at a push (smaller than me or her)
But thats not the point Why does it have to be about appearance at all. I was reminded of why i never liked her at college tbh. Back then she criticised one of my boyfriends because he wasnt good looking enough.
Then the other week she started going on about how lucky i am to have a husband who stays with me even though im bigger. So i said it made no diff as he hadnt touched me for years.
I let slip that i had OM for a while and then she intimated that i only got an OM because of getting down to a size 12.
a. i was a 14 to 16 when we met
b. my weight fluctuated a bit during my affair but didnt make any difference to it at all.
There was a lot more to my affair than my fucking dress size. the mind boggles at people who can be this shallow and stupid.

Darkesteyes Mon 21-Oct-13 17:04:24

Oh and the first thing she asked about ex OM was Was he good looking.
He was to me because we had amazing sexual chemistry and there was a strong connection.
Why cant people GET that Why does it have to be based on looks all the time.

dobedobedo Mon 21-Oct-13 17:13:43

I don't really know what to suggest, some good ones here. My mum is exactly the same as yours btw.

I'm about the same size as you and PREGNANT. And the other day my mum called and asked how the morning sickness was. I told her I managed to eat "quite a bit" today. She went on and on about how I didn't need to eat loads and I need to be careful cos I'm so overweight.

I informed her that "quite a bit" meant I only puked up one of the two small meals I'd eaten that day, and then I said "AND I'VE LOST OVER A STONE SINCE BEING PREGNANT, WHICH YOU'LL BE GLAD TO HEAR. WHO GIVES A FUCK IF IT DAMAGES THE BABY." blush
I swear she turns me into a moody teenager.

I don't even live in the same country as she does. And the main reason I've not visited it in about a year is because I can't stand her comments.

Our mothers are cowbags! thlangry

treadheavily Mon 21-Oct-13 17:16:13

My mother has been calling me fat for as long as I can remember. Though I am not fat.

The worst part is hat she calls my daughter fat, too. My beautiful, (petite) little girl.

Next time she calls you fat, could you say something along these lines?

"Mum - every time you call me fat, it really hurts me, and I am not prepared to put up with it any more. Either the fat comments stop, or I don't see how I can go on spending time with you. You know it hurts me - now STOP!!"

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