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Am I a total fool?(48 Posts)
I have known my husband for 8 years and been married for 3 years. He hasn't got a squeaky clean history with the law and has a couple of money related convictions. I knew this before we were married.
The year before we got married he was in court for a money related offence and was given community service. My parents were very angry with him as he was very secretive and they only found out once he had been to court. He sat down with them afterwards and explained everything and said that there was nothing else to tell.
3 months ago he was in court again and was actually sentenced for fraud. This came as a huge shock to everyone as again he kept it all to himself. He left me, my family and his to pick up the pieces. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. He has his own business which we then had to try and keep going which was particularly difficult as the staff we had walked out and left me to it.
Thanks to my family we have managed to keep going and my mum has been amazing. She was there when I had my baby and has been a real rock. Although she can't stand my husband now (not that she was keen on him in the first place) has never said outright that she wants me to leave him.
He is due out shortly which leaves me with having to make some big decisions. Of course he is trotting out the usual lines like, "this has changed me so much", "I didn't tell you what I was doing/going through (struggling to pay bills) as I wanted to protect you" etc etc.
He seems to forget though in an adult relationship you discuss theses problem and see what you can do together to fix it not go and defraud a heap of money.
He would make big decisions without me, one example spending £5000 on a car which we didn't really need. If I make a list of all the things he has lied to me about it far outweighs the list of good.
Now the hard part. I kind of understand the weird twisted way of saying he did it to keep everything afloat and not to worry me. I don't work so I'm not bringing in a wage. I am lucky in that my parents have supported my hobby which was hopefully going to be my business but it never really took off. We have a lovely house but a massive mortgage, again his own fault for not ever saying we can't afford it. This is where it started with struggling to pay it so rather than admit it he went down the wrong route.
He does most of the housework and we share the cooking, he helps on the weekends with my hobby when he can and he is a good dad. He would do anything for me or my kids.
I just don't know if he will actually have changed after this. My family hates him and would like me to leave him and not have anymore to do with him. I feel sad for my children, although if I didn't have kids the decision would be much easier.
I hope this isn't too vague but anyone who knows me will instantly recognise this and I don't fancy more 'gossip' going around where we live. There already has been far too much.
So am I a fool to continue or should I be brave and call it quits?
If you take him back it's likely he will carry on with the same behaviour patterns. It's hard, but do you want to live like that any more?
Sorry - I wasn't suggesting you were a "serial shagger". You talked about "my" children in your earlier posts - not "our" children. I can't even remember why I asked now - it must have seemed relevant at the time. Sorry.
The bit that really is standing out for me is that if you don't take him back and live off his wage, your plan is to move in with your parents and live off them. Again, there doesn't seem to be option 3, you fund your own lifestyle now. If he moves back in, you work too and make sure you have money coming in, if he doesn't, you work and fund your DC's lifestyle. The options you are deciding between are living off him or living off your parents.
It's that mentality that allows you to just accept his lies that he could afford XYZ, because you didn't take responsiblity for it. You aren't intending to take responsibility for funding your lifestyle now, just allowing your parents to take over paying for things (again not having to think if the money is there), then at some unspecified point in the future, looking after yourself.
Don't just allow it to be someone else's job to make sure the money is there.
I agree with the harsher posts and would go as far as to say how romanticised it can sound from a middle class point of view. This isn't someone who 'makes mistakes' he is a bloody tealeaf....
And I say this from experience as my father was the same. He led us a dogs life and it took my mother 3o long years to see sense. In that time he went to prison, pitted on against the other,stole my cheque book, my brothers bank card (and blamed me) and has left my nan in a home penniless.
Make some intelligent choices for your children. If he has changed then fine, let him live elsewhere and prove it. And stand on your own two feet.
The bottom still falls out of my stomach when my dad texts...... I just wonder what he has done now
You have coped without him. You can do it officially.
Slipping back in to the old routine could quite easily mean he does too..
And seeing him every other weekend is better for children than regular visits from the fraud squad/ bailiffs. Stability with just one parent is better than a life of fear and prisons with two.
Bottom line is that this man is supposed to be the person that you and your children trust most in the entire world. You should be able to trust your husband to help keep your family safe, to be honest with each other, and not be a criminal. Your husband can't manage any of this. He's a liability and it will never get better, because it never has before and he won't change.
You can keep on going the same way if you like, but don't be surprised when you get the same outcome. He won't change, he's proved that over and over. If you want a change you have to make it.
You aren't a fool. You are someone who loves someone who has been an idiot.
You don't have to decide anything within minutes of him leaving prison. He should find somewhere else to stay and start to live his life while supporting his children and show you that he has matured and is not going to lie to you anymore. He lied. He might say he was trying to protect you but he lied and treated you like a child even though really that is just a convenient excuse.
Don't take him back for the children's sake. They have already been used to being without him and having him in and out of their lives will be much more unsettling.
He's a crook. Your kids' dad is in jail and you're worried about every other weekend. Move on.
With regards to the last few post I see how you are perceiving the situation. I have been vague in my original post and also have let out quite a lot of stuff he has done, one due to shame and embarrassment and also if anyone does recognise me I would rather they not know exactly how much of a mess it is.
Years ago I said we should sell the house etc but he always made on the mortgage was up to date etc and would hide mail, obviously i didn't know at the time. We have separate accounts so I would pay for what I could and he would 'pay' for the rest.
I have a small business which compliments his, which I put my own, not my parents or anyone else's money, which I earned from my 'hobby' into. It's starting to take off now.
I do see my part in this, I could have been far more involved in the business and house. He makes it difficult. I would suggest something and he would dismiss it and do what he wanted anyway. When I put it this way it seems very obvious but it was all very subtle. This is why it is difficult as I see how I have contributed to the whole mess and feel I should stick around to help fix it.
They are his children as well, I'm not a serial shagger who just gets pregnant and expect someone to support me. He very much wanted kids too. I suppose it is hard to get people view on this as I haven't mentioned things but as said above I would rather not.
Sorry, I agree with the harsher responses too. You're not working, but live in a lovely big house with your children. (His too?) Even if you don't deal with the finances, surely you would have a working knowledge of what comes in and out? That's just common sense.
You are an adult. Stop relying on your husband or parents.
Move home, not nice. Run up, not rub. Etc.
I agree with the slightly harsher responses.
You've already said you can't afford the House, so keeping it isn't an option whether he's there or not.
I really think you would reap huge rewards from ditching him, renting a flat or buying a small house and supporting yourself and your DC.
Even if you nice home for a little while in order to get that stuff sorted out.
My ex (among other things) was awful with money, he bought vans we couldn't afford, fucking power tools and nonsense. Leaving him cost me 11k in debts that he'd rub up in mine or joint names (more fool me). Money well spent because it got me away from him.
Having my own job and income and flat and all of that was a big part of my healing process.
Best of luck x
Op, I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but Jux makes a very good point, you don't seem to acknowledge your part in all this. The fact you have a house and lifestyle you can not afford without your dh committing fraud and your parents funding what I assume is an expensive hobby.
If you do decide to take him back, then your behaviour has to change too, you need to know where every penny comes from and if you can't afford your current nice house then you can't have it. It's interesting that your plan for how to cope if you don't make a go of your marriage is move back in to your parents home and have them keep you. Perhaps time to think about being in control yourself rather than allowing other people to "look after" you.
(you are an adult now and a mother, if you can't afford your hobby without your parents paying for it perhaps time to knock it on the head)
My observation of emotional abuse... and I would class his mix of deception, charm and casual criminality as emotionally stressful, if not actually abusive.... is that it is hypnotic. While you are with the person and they are working their charm, it is difficult to think clearly. You make allowances and find yourself rationalising their behaviour or defending them to others. However, take some time apart, 'break the spell' and their influence is reduced. You start to see things the way others do... not the way he wants you to see events.
Kalidanger, your right I'm not counting the days off. At the beginning yes, but now I have had time to process everything and I'm realising he has treated me terribly. You don't do that to someone you supposedly love.
CharityFunDay, his previous conviction was also fraud so I'm tending to think he is. He is shit with money, as is his whole family, just he seems to be the only one arrogant enough to do something so stupid.
Nightcircus, have pm'd you
I'm tempted to say LTB but you don't sound ready for that OP.
It sounds like (could be wrong) he's not a habitual fraudster, but that his compulsion to run up debt has led him into outright criminality in order to try to escape the consequences of his own actions.
I don't think you are 'a total fool' for feeling conflicted over this situation.
But your OH has to change for good in order for your marriage to be salvageable.
Counselling doesn't sound like it would address the root problem, so I feel constrained to advise he joins Debtors Anonymous. Like AA, but with debt instead of booze and no "God" stuff lurking in the background:
blindly in love
I think this is such a food opportunity OP. if you were idly in love and counting the days until he came home I doubt youd be asking us for advice. So you must see that how well you are set and how relaxed is better than returning to an uncertain home life and future with your OH. AYou can be friends and co-parents without you having to throw everything back in with him again.
Cozietoesie, your last post makes a lot of sense. I do feel much more relaxed in the house and also not anxious when the phone rings. That really gives me my answer.
Of course you were glad he was home - and you knew (or thought you knew) that he didn't have disaster trailing behind him.
I was glad he was home. Safe. Maybe after all this I have grown up a bit, although I still won't go out to the tumble drier when it's pitch black. Over active imagination!
I am merely an Ikea sofa psychologist but it seems clear as day what that's about - when he's not there things aren't always on the brink of going wrong, whether you were consciously aware that he was up to no good all the time.
This is a perfect opportunity to break the cycle. I'd take it.
From my own experience, you were anxious because he was going to come back and for the last few months you've known he couldn't - at least on a day to day basis. How, in the past, did you feel when you heard his key in the door?
Kalidanger, he has been away for about 3 months. We have our little routine now, and funnily enough before if I was in the house myself I would be a bit anxious till he was back, but now I feel totally relaxed by myself. Amateur phycologists, what does that mean?
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