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Huge row over savings - who's in the wrong? I think 50/50? :(

(111 Posts)
MoneyMoneyProblems Sun 20-Oct-13 10:59:54

Long story short. DH is terrible with money. Has never had any savings and when I met him he was overdrawn. I helped him get out of his O/D, then he went clothes shopping and went into his O/D again - he just doesn't get it!

When we married we pooled finances and I am in charge of it all, spending, saving etc. We had a plan that every year (April to April) we will save £x000.

Last April we made target. Since then we have actually saved nothing, but I have budgeted to save like mad between now and next March so we will still hit target come April.

DH has just found out we have saved nothing since April and is FURIOUS. But, the reasoning for this is every month we have spent little bits here and there, that have swallowed up any potential savings for that month. Mostly however, we had an amazing holiday over summer where we totally went above budget. I must say that this was largely down to DH's spending on clothes, he likes expensive items, and he works so hard and I feel like such a nag if I say "no you can't have it!" or "no we can't go to the cinema or visit Starbucks this month!" He doesn't like being told no, but I DO admit I should have been firm, said "we can't afford it" about things, and saved every month.

Also I admit it's not just him buying things, I have had bits and pieces here and there too.

BUT we have had a huge row and we're not speaking. He fails to see how we have saved nothing and is basically asking me, "where has it all gone", implying that I've been spending 100s on the lottery or something! I have shown him the last few months of credit card bills but he just doesn't see it. He doesn't get it.

Who is BU and how can we fix this? sad

ThisIsMeToo Tue 22-Oct-13 10:55:01

Btw, I wouldn't want an organisation where he has his saving account and the OP has hers. Because at the end of the day, if they were to get divorced, that money would be divided in half, regardless of the name on the saving account.
What it says is 'you live together, you have shared responsibility for the expenses and shared ownership of the savings'.
So the OP work hard to have some savings whilst her DH would just cruse doing whatever he wants.
And then when something happens, they need a new car, they want to go on hols, the money is going to come out from where? the OP savings! Sorry but that isn't an acceptable arrangement in my eyes.

What really really matters is that he is taking some responsibility of his spending at least.

You dont mention children?

If you dont have any, I would suggest divorcing him simply because this is not going to get any better. If you ever have children together this is going to get much much worse, as children is a very big expense and commitment. He cant keep overspending with the result that you cant pay nursery fees, or for essentials your child might need.

NotAsTired Tue 22-Oct-13 13:12:51

It's never easy living with someone who has a completely different view about money to you, especially if the other person is immature about spending.

Pay yourself first. As in put a standing order in place so that x amount goes into savings. Non-negotiable.

Have 2 individual accounts that you pay into. If he is so bad with money, he can open a basic account like Barclays cash card or Co- op cash minder. These accounts won't let him have an overdraft so he is unlikely to get in debt but they do have debit card facilities. Put x amount of money into his account every month. Then he is entirely in charge of his own treats. Maybe it will teach him to budget for things.

If there is any doubt, agree before spending what comes out of family account and what comes out of individual accounts. Eg a bike comes out of his account but a meal out for the family comes out of joint account.

Hopefully, in the mean time, your savings are getting healthier.

HopeClearwater Tue 22-Oct-13 15:08:38

he is having to drive my knackered Honda civic. He finds it an affront to his personal dignity

This is a massive red flag! He's bought himself this, that and the other, including a £500 bicycle, and now he's complaining about the car he drives?!!
I'd never have recommended this once, but now I'm an old bag in my 40s, veteran of a difficult marriage, I would start salting away savings of your own that he doesn't know about. This guy will bleed you dry and stop you from saving for the things you want to save for.
Good luck.

Dededum Tue 22-Oct-13 17:33:34

Hopewater - That was my post not the OP's - maybe 15 years ago I should have done something about it.

To be fair he supports me unconditionally now I have MS, works bloody hard, earns good money and has no other vices (drink, smoking, gambling, porn, philandering etc..). He had a shit childhood and think these financial issues all stems from that. It's a work in progress but we get stronger not weaker as time goes by....

perfectstorm Tue 22-Oct-13 20:05:19

OP you need a joint account where only standing orders or jointly signed purchases come out (washing machine, holiday etc) so BOTH signatures are needed - and take savings money from that account into the savings. Then you have individual spends into personal accounts, also from that account, each month... with no possibility of overdrafts on either, I would suggest, given your H's habits. And your own phones, and other truly personal expenses are paid from that as well.

See which one of you builds up a credit balance in their personal account. Hint: it won't be him.

Apart from anything else, it sounds like even when things are going okay the savings come from your going without, while he has treats aplenty.

perfectstorm Tue 22-Oct-13 20:08:54

Sorry, that was phrased in such a garbled way. I hope the sense is discernible anyway. A primary account to pay shared bills, then a savings one with a sum paid in every month from that primary account - then two personal accounts with no overdraft facility, which you can spend as you like. That way he can fritter, but he can't fritter savings, and can't spend what he hasn't got.

It seems really unfair if you've not done most of the the spending, but are being yelled at for not refusing to partake of his suggested family treats, as though his additional extravagances don't count in some way.

HopeClearwater Wed 23-Oct-13 21:56:06

Oops sorry DeDeDum . Good to hear things are getting better.

clam Wed 23-Oct-13 22:09:40

How old is your husband? He sounds about six - petulant and immature.

"I've shown him... he's still saying, "well you said we would have X by April and so far we have saved nothing. So you say we will now save Y every month until April, how do I know that will happen?"

Yet he's the one who's got his head stuck in the sand. You're not the bloody money fairy who can make this all be better - for him. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility for all this - not rely on you to sort it all out and then have a big baby strop when it doesn't work out, primarily because of HIS attitude towards spending.

LadyLapsang Wed 23-Oct-13 23:22:01

So many of you make your finances so complicated. Nearly 30 years down the line we still have our own accounts and the only spreadsheet is our savings so if one of us should drop down dead the other one knows where the money is. If our undergraduate DS can manage his money with no overdraft (& no student loan this year yet) why can't your partners? Really so many of you sound like you are in a relationship with a child!

Inertia Thu 24-Oct-13 00:24:26

He sounds petulant and demanding.

Don't put the savings in his name only- given his financial history he'll blow the lot.

I would go for a joint account to pay all bills , food shops etc- but not to be used for anything else (maybe an account with no debit card, just DDs / SOs ?)

Then each of you has a personal account with equal amounts of money going on , to be used for treats, clothes etc. The problem here is that he is likely to spend all of his personal money on stuff he wants, then demand you spend yours on meals out and treats for both of you- you might need to plan for that.

I would also have a savings account or ISA for each of you, with a set amount going into the savings before anything is allocated to personal accounts.

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