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I Cannot believe I am having to talk about this...

(1001 Posts)
filee777 Sun 20-Oct-13 10:23:10

I've just come down the stairs having gone for a bit of a lie down, up at 5.40 with the kids this morning, to find my husband looking at porn while my child is in the room with him!

My three year old child!

He jumped up and opened the door, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs and asked me 'why i wasn't still sleeping' and i sort of said 'can i come in' and he let me, but when i checked my computer there were open pages of porn on there!

I said 'what the hell is this' and he said that he just 'wanted to see what would come up in google'??? so I said 'with our son in the room?' and he said the boy had been playing on the other side of the room - that doesnt make it any better in my eyes.

hes just tried to give me a cuddle and i ignored him and he asked 'if i was pissed off' with him and I very much said yes, did some dishes and have come upstairs.

i dont want to talk to him or even LOOK at him right now, my bloody kid was in the room! Surely that is TOTALLY unacceptable????

So annoyed.

Reality Sun 20-Oct-13 10:25:43

Jesus wept.

Without being hysterical, that is actually child abuse.

What are you going to do?

filee777 Sun 20-Oct-13 10:26:41

Rip his fucking nuts off?

I really don't know! I am just so livid!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Oct-13 10:28:48

It's unacceptable to you and that's all that matters. I'm sure your 3yo hasn't come to any harm but his casual attitude regarding the whole thing is pretty bad. If you hadn't turned up was he planning to crank out a sly one with your DS watching?.... <yuk>

Bluestocking Sun 20-Oct-13 10:29:03

That is really awful. Did you know he looked at porn already? Sounds like he has a problem with controlling his desire to look at it, if he can't even restrain himself when his toddler is in the room with him.

filee777 Sun 20-Oct-13 10:29:04

My initial (reasonable) thought is that I wont let him be alone with the children again, but I am supposed to be returning to work in a couple of weeks, in the morning at the weekend.

I could password protect my computer?

sapfu Sun 20-Oct-13 10:30:04

How you feel about porn in general is no one's business but yours, you'll get different views on that one. But looking at porn with a child in the room is nothing short of revolting.

Exposing children to porn is vile. And I'm being generous.

'Playing on the other side of the room' - I'm going assume your 3yo has NT mobility and your husband is an actual moron. Again, I'm being generous.

Yes, password protect your computer.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Oct-13 10:30:12

You shouldn't have to police a grown man's computer usage.... Your DH is meant to be someone you respect & trust. Currently, you can do neither.

filee777 Sun 20-Oct-13 10:30:19

Yes I know he watches porn occasionally, I have no issue with it.

It is the thought of my SON seeing it that is upsetting me and also that he must have been about to have a wank surely?

He said he was NOT doing that but why else look at porn?

I am just thoroughly disgusted by it.

Pancakeflipper Sun 20-Oct-13 10:31:37

I don't think he realises what he's doing and thinks the child will not notice. And I am not excusing him but suggesting this as a possible reason why he doesn't twig it's a biggie.

Poor you. I would tell him to get out for the day to give you chance to think.

Bloody idiot he is.

Bluestocking Sun 20-Oct-13 10:40:01

Sorry, I realised you were upset about you son seeing it, not about his father looking at it - I was just wondering whether you knew that he looked at it at all. My point is that if he can't not look at porn when his child is in the room, then he isn't just an occasional user, he is an addict who has lost any kind of internal moral sense of when and how you can indulge in what should be a private or between-consenting-adults activity.
I agree with the poster who suggested making him go out for the day so you can think about what you want to do next.

Reality Sun 20-Oct-13 10:41:11

I would actually throw him out and call the police. But I appreciate you may not be at that point.

This is bad though, really really bad.

filee777 Sun 20-Oct-13 10:44:25

I've password protected my computer and will soon be doing the same to my phone. We were all due to go out to pick up some wood and for a play date later so I might just leave him here.

I am just SO angry.

I would be fucking livid! I abhor pornography in any context. It normalises the most foul things and does terrible damage to people on both sides of the screen.

But that aside,in front of a tiny child?!

What the fuck is wrong with him?!

sapfu Sun 20-Oct-13 10:49:37

Does he have any idea of what he's done wrong? Would he be ok with you watching, for example, some violent gore fest on the computer in the same room as your 3 year old? Does he think it's ok to watch/look at anything unsuitable for children, with children in the same room, as long as they can't see it? (presumably because said child only ever stays still)

I would be angry. I would be angry in a 'you need to stay elsewhere for a few days' sort of way.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 20-Oct-13 10:49:40

sad that's really bad.
Sorry...think it would probably be a deal breaker for me. So sorry.
You sound like you need head space. Ask him to leave for few days??

filee777 Sun 20-Oct-13 10:50:42

He has nowhere he can go for a few days unfortunately.

I would definitely be asking him to leave for a few days,I think you need time alone to process something like this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Oct-13 10:53:25

There have to be some dire consequences to this or he's simply going to carry on doing the same thing, just a lot more secretively. Doesn't matter that he has nowhere to go. You have to emphasise how angry you are and if it means he ends up on a park bench, maybe that'll get it through his thick skull....

MrsWolowitz Sun 20-Oct-13 10:54:58

That's appalling.

Without wanting to be hysterical I totally agree that it's abusive at worst, negligent at worst and utterly unacceptable.

Ugh. I really think this would destroy my respect in my DH as a man and a father. Probably irreparably so.

Sorry OP you are dealing with this.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 20-Oct-13 10:55:07

I'd he generally a dickhead?? As in, does he do inappropriate things and prove himself untrustworthy with your son in other ways? Xxx

MrsWolowitz Sun 20-Oct-13 10:55:23

*abusive at worst, negligent at best.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 20-Oct-13 10:55:56

I think it's negligent too. sad so sorry op, I think this is serious

Hugs x

youarewinning Sun 20-Oct-13 10:57:06

I agree with him going for a few days. He'll have to sort somewhere to stay. Then he'll need to decide if he can curb the porn urge whilst his child is in the room or not. Whilst you decide if you can forgive him and move on.

I don't think you can move on and work it out in your own mind whilst he's in the house because all you'll feel is discust everytime you look at him.

filee777 Sun 20-Oct-13 10:58:37

He is generally a very good father to them

And what if he leaves? They will visit him and what if he does it again?

God I am so upset.

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