should i stay or go

[Pollyd76]

I have been with dh for 17 years married 10 we have Ds(6) and Dd(4). To look at us all is perfect, dh has good job I work 2 days a week as a nurse, we have nice house, do lots as a family. But dh is very controlling it has got worse in last few years. I get blamed for everything and within the last year each trip we have had out I associate with an episode of criticism ie not packing something , not making enough picnic, taking a bag instead of a rucksack.
I recently told him I had had enough and wanted to separate he told me it isn't happening and that we will make it work and have to stay together for the children. He then told me I have screwed up morals and that the rosy world which I think exists doesn't. When I suggested we get counselling he said he doesn't need it as I am the one with the problem.
Am I being selfish and wrong? Is it right to stay in this marriage when I no longer love him?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're not being selfish and wrong, you're being bullied. It's not a 'rosy world' to want a husband to speak kindly, not blame you for everything and constantly criticise. In a loving, healthy relationship it should be a given. Sadly you're describing the classic warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm glad you're standing up to him but would suggest, if you want to get out of the marriage, you should play it carefully, stay safe and get very sound advice.

[mammadiggingdeep]

If you don't love him, you shouldn't stay.

He is a bully. Do you notice you said you wanted to separate and his words were "it isn't happening".

He doesn't get to decide.

Have you thought about his you can separate? Could you work full time? Do you rent or own?

Start working out how and when you want to leave/ ask him to leave and make it happen.

[daughterofafarmer]

He thinks you're the problem...oh dear.

I'm sorry to say but I don't see how you can work things out if he can't see that his behaviour isn't helping.

Would you go to counselling alone?

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Yep, go.

No question.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What Cogito wrote, I would be planning an exit from this very carefully as you and the children need to stay safe. No point at all in staying if you no longer love him. He saying to you, "we will make it work and have to stay for the children" is wrong on so many levels that I have lost count. It also smacks of power and control ; i.e you put up and shut up because I am the Big Man/Dominator in this household of dysfunction.

Controlling behaviour is also abusive behaviour.

Joint counselling is never recommended when there is any type of abuse within the relationship. It just gives the abuser more ammo to lob at their victims and I include your children in this because he does not give a fig about them either. As you have seen in your case, this man does not think he is doing anything wrong by you in the first place. I would also have to state that such behaviour is often deeply rooted and extends way back often into childhood, you may well find that this is learnt behaviour (perhaps one or both of his parents are also controlling) and thus nigh on impossible for him to undo even with many years of therapy. You and your children do not have the time.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?.

What do you think they are learning about relationships currently?. They see and hear far more than is realised. If you were to stay within this your son could well grow up to copy his dad's abusive behaviour because this is how men behave and your DD would be taught how to be a victim to such a controlling man because she saw all that from the two of you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would talk to Womens Aid as well.

If he refuses to leave (and such men often do so) you can employ legal means to get him out of the marital home.

[NothingsLeft]

I would get some counselling for you and make plans to leave. It sounds miserable.

There is nothing worse than having your feelings and opinions dismissed. You have told him you are unhappy and he has told you that you're wrong!

He not given you anything to work with and your DC's will pick up on this behaviour too. Sorry your in this situation, it's crap.

[arthriticfingers]

Here is a book to answer that question.
www.amazon.co.uk/Should-Stay-Can---Should--beSaved-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382258032&sr=1-1&keywords=should%20i%20stay%20or%20should%20i%20go&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
My answer: Go - ASA you have a safe exit strategy in place

[ohforfoxsake]

I agree, have counselling for yourself. It will help you to make the decision and to reassure you that that decision is the right one for you.

Until he starts examining his own impact on your relationship nothing will change - except the bullying will get worse, until you start to doubt yourself and your self-esteem is shattered to the point you will doubt your own sanity.

Don't let this happen. You are aware changes need to made and have the emotional intelligence to move forward. It is up to him to choose whether or not he is going to be part of it.

I really do wish you the best of luck.

[Pollyd76]

Thank you for advice. I have reached the low self esteem point and I am doubting my own mind hencr the reason for post on here. I sm seeing a solicitor tomorrow to find out legally where I stand because he has told me if I leave I am not taking the children

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

All bullies do this. 'I'll sue for sole custody', 'unfit mother' blah, blah, blah.... It's usually just more emotional blackmail and no court would ever agree to it as you'll find out when you talk to a solicitor. However, you have to take him on face value and stay safe FWIW Your judgement seems just fine and, with a little professional back-up, you'll gain a lot of strength from the information you get there.

[ohforfoxsake]

Please contact Relate and make an appointment just for yourself. It will help you stay strong. If he's in your head he will try to manipulate you further.