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Lies and betrayal, need to talk but no one in RL to confide in

(69 Posts)
RedRaw Sat 19-Oct-13 23:57:44

I've lurked for sometime, and would really appreciate a forum to vent, please! Been with my DP 2 years, both divorcees. I have been very paranoid about the extent of DPs contact with his ex, after he lied about visiting her last year (He told me they had been together for 13 months, and she was abusive towards him, he finished with her alledgedly.) Eventually he owned up, said it was to fix her computer. Then more recently, he was getting texts and not answering them immediately, odd behaviour from him. It was a male name I didn't know, and lo and behold, he admits it is her. This time the story is she needs money, and as it ended badly between them, he wanted to make up to her by helping her out. Hmmm. I have asked why he felt the need to hide this from me, he said because I was so upset about them meeting up last year.
A week or so later, I find out he'd emailed her saucy messages. Confronted him, he says he set up an email address in her name, as he knew I was snooping on him. Then admits it was actually her, he was drunk, and foolish.
Reading this back I sound like a nutter, paranoid about an ex, but I'm actually a reasonable person, who has become super sensitive due to his deceit.
It's complicated as he moved in with me several months ago.

So my issues are why am I allowing myself to be hurt? Why am I still with him? Is it because my pride is dented?

I know that this is small fry compared to others difficulties, but I'm too ashamed to speak to any of my friends about this.

Thank you for reading

FlatsInDagenham Sun 20-Oct-13 00:07:41

You don't sound like a nutter, or paranoid. Your concerns are more than valid. In fact, I'd say you don't sound concerned enough! What would it take to convince you his behaviour is waaaay out of line?

Saucy messages? That would be a deal breaker alone.

Don't let him take you for a mug. Kick him out.

PainInTheBum Sun 20-Oct-13 00:10:53

I assume that as they were only together for 13 months this is an ex girlfriend and not the ex-wife and no children are involved?

Personally I would dump him and kick him out. They were together for a very short time in the scheme of things and she should be the past, you deserve better than second best and you are second best when he is putting contacting her above your feelings.

Gretagumbo Sun 20-Oct-13 00:16:06

He sounds like a bad egg, you do not sound like a nutter.

dontyouwantmebaby Sun 20-Oct-13 00:16:10

I couldn't stand the lies and deceit about his contact with his ex. He is way out of order here. You never know where you stand with a liar.

Please don't feel too ashamed to speak to any of your friends IRL about this, you've done nothing wrong.

You don't sound like a nutter or paranoid either. Why are you still with him? First the lies and now saucy messages to his ex? Fuck that.

Agree with PP, kick him out.

RedRaw Sun 20-Oct-13 00:16:44

Thank you, I do feel I'm being taken for a mug. He took me away last week to a spa hotel to help get us "back on track".
I flipped as mail in her name came into our house this week. He said it was because she had a phone through his account and the contract was up for renewal.
I know I should dump him, but something's stopping me. I need a reality check.

Piaffle Sun 20-Oct-13 00:18:49

You do not sound like a nutter at all! The fact that he tried to blame you for him sending those saucy messages is what would be the deal breaker for me here. What if you had believed him? He tried to convince you that your own paranoia had caught you out. That's not nice.

dontyouwantmebaby Sun 20-Oct-13 00:20:22

so... he sweetened you up with a weekend at a spa hotel to get 'you back on track'? hmm

Presumably this was AFTER you'd found saucy email messages going back and forward between them?

reality check right there.

RedRaw Sun 20-Oct-13 00:25:56

I know I need to get rid. I'm fed up of the deceit, and hate the way it's made me become a super snooper. My ex was a drunk, but he would never have cheated on me, and I trusted him implicitly. This is my first post divorce relationship. My current DP is kind, funny, great with the DCs, and has never raised his voice to me. He is so different from my ex. Except for this.

SpookyWerewolf Sun 20-Oct-13 00:27:31

Not only is he sneaking about contacting the ex behind your back. His first instinct when he's found out is not to apologise, but to lie further, in a way that makes you doubt yourself (suggesting that you were unfairly snooping and he was trying to catch you out) so that you are the bad guy.

As for why you are still with him, What do you get out of this relationship now? What is it you are afraid of when you consider ending the relationship and haven't (yet)?

You have nothing to be ashamed of, so confide in your friends, hopefully they'll tell you what I am about to:

You deserve to be treated better than this. smile

RedRaw Sun 20-Oct-13 00:29:00

He only told me it was really to her when I phoned her, and spoke to her. Only said my name before he got the phone from me. I feel bad for her, as I don't even know if she's aware of me, and I told him he should be ashamed of himself for using someone who had feelings for him. He made me promise not to contact her.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Sun 20-Oct-13 00:31:18

But he is cheating on you, its still abuse. Lying and screwing with your mind. Do yourself a favour, it will only get worse.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Sun 20-Oct-13 00:33:07

He doesn't want you to contact her because he is still fucking her.

trianglecirclesquare Sun 20-Oct-13 00:35:37

He made you promise not to contact her?? I think the problem here is that he keeps contacting her, and lying about it. You do need to get rid!

Pancakeflipper Sun 20-Oct-13 00:37:01

Redraw, whatever is going on its not making you happy. I think he's an arse. And I really hope you find the strength to get him out. You deserve better so please get rid.

It's really scary but there's some great people on here who will have brilliant words to help you and support you on your journey.

RedRaw Sun 20-Oct-13 00:37:04

Yes, I guess so. He swears there's been no physical contact. She lives a few hundred miles away, he hasn't been away from home without me in a long time.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Sun 20-Oct-13 00:41:40

Where there's a Willy there's a way. If he hasn't already there is still stuff he doesn't want her to tell you. He has probably told her that you are a loon in case you phone. You can't trust him Op, do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling sick?

RedRaw Sun 20-Oct-13 00:44:31

I really know in my heart I can't carry on like this, it's making me stressed. I wish I had the balls to tell him to f**k off. I do deserve better. I'm a good person, popular, have a great job, well respected. When I left my ex he said I would end up in a shitty flat on a bad side of town, working on Tescos. I havent. And I really don't wish that to sound disrespectful. What I mean is I was underestimated, and found the strength to leave. But now I have to chuck him out, it feels harder. I'm a coward.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Sun 20-Oct-13 00:48:01

Well phone her then if you need to know the truth. You can't get it from him. Maybe that would give you the push you need.
You sound great, don't put up with second best thanks

SpookyWerewolf Sun 20-Oct-13 00:48:36

Somebody who is kind, doesn't mess with your head by mucking around (emotionally or otherwise) with an ex and then pretend it was to catch you snooping. I don't know if it falls into the exact definition of gaslighting, if it doesn't it is something similarly nasty.

You have been hurt in the past. Your bar for a good relationship is too low - "has never raised his voice to me", someone can be disrespectful, thoughtless, unkind, lie, cheat and never raise their voice.

You deserve more. But you don't think you do. Have you ever had counselling?

AnandaTimeIn Sun 20-Oct-13 00:48:55

My current DP is kind, funny, great with the DCs, and has never raised his voice to me. He is so different from my ex. Except for this.

Well, "this" is the real him.

Up to you if you want to live like that - and put your kids through it.

You all deserve better. And you know it.

Just because he's different to your ex doesn't make him better if he is faffing about with other women. his ex

"when a man is faffing about with his ex it means he hasn't really let her go."

You should let HIM go....

SpookyWerewolf Sun 20-Oct-13 00:50:27

Cross posted, you do realise you deserve more, excellent!

Absolutelylost Sun 20-Oct-13 00:53:02

I read here recently 'behind every neurotic woman is a deceitful man...'

RedRaw Sun 20-Oct-13 00:58:45

Thank F for you lot. I want to contact her, only to get the truth. I think I know what that will be, and then I would feel less bad about dumping him. Emotions are funny. I have looked into counselling, but am in the medical business myself, in a small town and would feel uneasy. I have bought many self help books, about self esteem etc. it's so hard.

Pancakeflipper Sun 20-Oct-13 01:02:29

You won't get the truth out of her. You'll get the version of events she wishes to tell you.

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