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I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

(461 Posts)
youvegotmail Sat 19-Oct-13 22:05:49

Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. confused Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

Leavenheath Sat 19-Oct-13 23:13:32

Well I'd be more worried by his apparent naivety than anything else.

I'm sure everyone who ever had an affair at one time thought they'd never go there.

Nor is it 'insulting' to discuss what defences he'll put up to stop this getting out of hand. That's just pragmatism and not romantic twittery about how if you're happy in a relationship, you're immune to being tempted.

I'm very, very happy with my husband, but I've met quite a few men I'd have pursued something with if we'd been single. So I've been really careful about out of office contact or getting into situations where we've been on our own and alcohol was involved. I've also made a point of talking about my husband and kids, obviously in positive terms.

I'm married not dead and your husband's no different. Neither are you for that matter.

casacastille Sat 19-Oct-13 23:14:17

My spidey senses are tingling for you.

My xh had an 'innocent friendship' with a woman at work (whom he found attractive) for several years before it went up a notch or ten.

You say he's a normal hot-blooded male. There is no way he hasn't thought about her 'like that'.

cerealqueen Sat 19-Oct-13 23:16:24

Wipsgliter, anybody with a normal level of curiosity would look on facebook wouldn't they? I would. The OP indicated that she was worried in her initial post.

LaRegina Sat 19-Oct-13 23:16:28

I don't think you're over-reacting at all - your H is acting like a lovesick teenager and that must really hurt sad

But I wouldn't be asking this woman round to my house. She needs to back off - assuming she knows he's happily married, she should find herself somebody else to email constantly. I would be tempted to put something disgusting in her food if I did have to cook for her...

But anyway this is clearly really upsetting you. And your H is suppose to be on your side, looking out for you and wanting you to be happy above all else. So in short, he needs to grow up, realise how much he's hurting you, put some distance between himself and this woman and start putting his WIFE first.

WipsGlitter Sat 19-Oct-13 23:18:45

How is it dangerous ground? confused

Leavenheath Sat 19-Oct-13 23:19:26

Arf at normal hot-blooded male but I get what you're saying. But equally, this woman's a normal hot-blooded female. Men are not beasts unable to control their sexual impulses and it's completely normal for men and women to find other people attractive and yes, sexy.

It's when people don't admit it that the problems start.

TheFabulousIdiot Sat 19-Oct-13 23:19:39

Sounds to me like they are good work friends, nothing more.

BillyBanter Sat 19-Oct-13 23:19:44

I hope the dinner helps you put your doubts to bed.

I remember your previous thread. I think this is your insecurity. He's allowed friends. I can understand that this woman who you think is AMAZING LOOKING compared to how you feel about yourself might play a bit on your insecurities but nothing you tell us your husband is doing or saying suggests there is anything to threaten your marriage other than your obsession with this.

This reminds me of when men make a really good male friend and people say, 'aw he's got a man crush'.

He obviously thinks she's great and enjoys her friendship. That doesn't mean he thinks less of you or loves you less any more than if he had a male friend he got on really well with.

I reckon you are more likely to push him away than her pull him away.

You've searched and searched and found nothing inappropriate.

If you were telling this story with your husband not liking your friendship with a younger man there would be posters telling you to LTB.

youvegotmail Sat 19-Oct-13 23:22:30

Wips I guess cos he's your boss. You're obviously excited about this new friendship but this is the person who has to do your performance reviews or hand you your redundancy notice etc.

This isn't about that, obviously, but one big relief for me is that the friendship does not involve an imbalance of power in this way as I don't think that ever leads to anything good.

youvegotmail Sat 19-Oct-13 23:25:21

You're probably right, I probably am insecure.

I can't imagine being friends with a man 20 years younger than me and having 'so much in common' (and not fancying him or thinking rude thoughts if he was attractive).

Sigh. I wish she'd get relocated to their offices in the States!

ScaryFucker Sat 19-Oct-13 23:26:06

This is still going on ? And you are offering to escalate it yourself ?

You stand by while he obsesses about what to wear when the object of his affection comes into your home ?

I am surprised you still have any respect left at all for this lovesick puppy. He certainly has zero regard for you

magentastardust Sat 19-Oct-13 23:26:30

I don't think he is having an affair-he is being too open about his relationship with her to you-reading out her email to you from her, happy with having her round to the house. It does sound that he may have a bit of a crush on her -may just be a friend crush type thing though-I can understand why you feel slightly put out by this.
Would he be okay about it if it was you getting all excited about a male colleague?

Leavenheath Sat 19-Oct-13 23:27:21

Look, don't you have the sort of relationship where you could say 'Quit the bullshit and cop yourself on. We both know it's realistic to find other people attractive and to get ego boosts if they find us fanciable too. We both also know that affairs aren't rare, even if everything's hunky dory at home. So what are you going to do in an active way to stop this getting out of hand?'

youvegotmail Sat 19-Oct-13 23:27:44

I don't think I look terrible by the way. I am in ok shape for my age. About a stone heavier than I should be but I'm tall so wear it well. I just can't compete with the looks of a much younger and more attractive woman so that's why I perhaps sound self deprecating.

You're right that I have snooped and found nothing. Well - found lots and lots and lots, but nothing incriminating in it. They just seem to like each other A LOT. I feel a real sense of affection between them.

ScaryFucker Sat 19-Oct-13 23:27:57

You are not insecure, don't listen to the cool wives contingent on here. They try to out competition each other on how much shit they will tolerate going on right under their noses.

If that's you, carry on blaming yourself for your perfectly normal disquiet at this situation. Otherwise, have the courage of your instincts

coppertop Sat 19-Oct-13 23:32:50

I have some great friends that I've known for many years. I don't e-mail any of them several times a day, never mind chat on the phone as well.

It sounds to me that at the very least he's got a bad case of mentionitis. I wouldn't be happy.

youvegotmail Sat 19-Oct-13 23:35:07

Look, don't you have the sort of relationship where you could say 'Quit the bullshit and cop yourself on. We both know it's realistic to find other people attractive and to get ego boosts if they find us fanciable too. We both also know that affairs aren't rare, even if everything's hunky dory at home. So what are you going to do in an active way to stop this getting out of hand?'

It's not that we don't have the relationship - I have said similar to him - it's that he in no way accepts this and once said, 'So because she has a vagina I need to make a plan for being careful not to fall into it?' shock and went on to say that if this were a male friend I'd have no problems (true) and that it's purely because he is a man and she is a woman, which is ridiculous. He also said if I don't trust him to be faithful then I clearly don't have much regard for him and asked what I think he should do, stop contacting a good friend that he really likes because I don't like the fact she is female? Put like that I felt pretty stupid.

Yet the nagging doubts persist and I now feel actually quite sick when I know they're meeting up. I end up 'casually' quizzing hubby on their meetups when he gets home, what she said, where they went etc. He's always very open. I have nothing to pin on him at all - I just don't like it.

jynier Sat 19-Oct-13 23:36:08

I agree with ScaryF!

youvegotmail Sat 19-Oct-13 23:37:02

ScaryFucker are you AnyFucker or am I getting confused?

Here is another thing I don't get - if he fancies her, why does he want her to come round to the house with her husband and children? Why want her to meet his wife, and to see her in her family role, and for us to be coupe friends? Surely that's the last thing he'd want. In fact, one of the reasons I invited her is cos I thought he'd be horrified at the thought but he seems fine. Then I thought her hubby would put a stop to the invite but apparently he's looking forward to it too!

Bogeyface Sat 19-Oct-13 23:37:36

He fancies her, but you have no evidence that she fancies him so cut her some slack yeah?

She obviously adores her DH (from her FB stuff) and is happy to spend a family afternoon with you and yours. She isnt the issue here.

He has a crush and is being none too subtle about it. So as I said before, let him make an arse of himself and THEN discuss it.

BOF Sat 19-Oct-13 23:49:52

He is completely out of order doing all this when he knows how unhappy you are about it- you, and your relationship together should be his top priority. If that means he has to knock it off with the multiple daily emails, then so be it. He can be friends with her without behaving like an obsessed 14 year old.

You are trying to protect your marriage. He is playing fast and loose with it. Daft git.

VeryStressedMum Sat 19-Oct-13 23:54:59

I think you're being very mature about the whole thing, if it was my dh bouncing around asking what he'd wear I would be telling him in no uncertain terms what a knob he was being.

AnandaTimeIn Sat 19-Oct-13 23:57:58

Sorry, but this is all going to end up really messily.

Hope you've got all your financial ducks in a row.

Redflagcatcher Sat 19-Oct-13 23:59:15

Nope, he won't be horrified at the thought at meeting up because he's "planning" an affair, he's thrilled about meeting up because he's not planning an affair, he's in denial, but he fancies her, definitely. He's in Denial that he is vulnerable to having an affair, thinking if its all above board it will protect him. It won't. Believe me, I speak from bitter experience. She may be feeling the same, if she can make friends with you, you all meet each other and be friends, it will protect her from an affair, they are possibly even doing this to try to stop themselves having an affair!! Believe me, it happens, anyone here who says it doesn't, really doesn't know. I have seen it happen in front of my eyes. Please be careful, perhaps the dinner will give you more power to say to your dh it made you feel uncomfortable and give you more weight behind what you are saying, but....... BUT you must be also careful of stopping him sharing information about his time with her with you. If he feels you are threatening their friendship it will possibly become secret......please tread carefully and read Shirley Glass book "just good friends".

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 19-Oct-13 23:59:15

whilst its perfectly fine and normal to have friendships with the opposite sex in a marriage, they shouldn't cause such angst for the wife/husband. your husband sounds like he is behaving really inappropriately, embarrassingly so in fact. You should be his priority and your happiness.

fine for him to have friends but this is just silly, constant emails and chit chat. its not on. sounds like its got to the stage where even you having a word with him about it is stoking his ego. he sounds like he's in cloud cuckoo land.

I wouldn't invite them to dinner, its just torturing yourself further. you'll be jumpy and on alert all night. this couple aren't your friends are they?

I think you need to have another talk with him. its not that you are asking him not to have female friends or to cut contact "just because she has a vagina" (odd words from him) but...come on, its not as if they are friends from childhood. He's focussing way too much on this, sounds like an infatuation. He's the one that needs to nip it in the bud though, you can't do that for him OP.

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