Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Had to decline invite to nephews party as my mother will be there.

(14 Posts)
sweetkitty Sat 19-Oct-13 20:36:57

Just wanted to vent really, I phoned my DB today to tell him I can't come to my nephews 2nd birthday party as my mother will be there and we have been NC for almost 5 years. It's rubbish because I wanted to go it's not my nephews fault and I know he would love his 4 cousins there.

My mother has some sort of NPD I am the black sheep brother the golden child who can do no wrong, she now dotes on my nephew as the golden grandson. She's seen DD3 twice (she's 5) and never seen 3yo DS.

I went NC 5 years ago by just stopping making the effort no phone calls, no visits and no constant invites up here to visit. About 6 months later I got a note saying to phone her as you only get one mother. I wrote her a letter telling her why I was so upset and got one back saying everything was my fault that I made her feel she was beneath me even as a child. To the outside world she was the perfect mother supporting me through uni etc but totally put me down all the time etc to the point where I have no self esteem now.

I know I can't change her, make her the mother I would like, I know I'm better being NC but it still hurts. Why me ? I just want a nice mother not her but a nice mother hmm

defineme Sat 19-Oct-13 20:42:22

Is your db supportive? If other people recognize and validate your decision, which sounds like a very brave one, then I would imagine that helps. We often have more than one celebration for birthdays--can you pop round another time?
I'm sure your esteem must have improved since you went nc and you know you've done the right thing. It would be awful for your kids to see you treated in this way.

Pancakeflipper Sat 19-Oct-13 20:44:15

Invite nephew and his mum and dad to yours for a happy tea party at yours? Then he can play with his cousins. Children seem to like a second birthday treat

sweetkitty Sat 19-Oct-13 20:46:52

No my DB is not supportive, he's the golden child my mother has always said she babied him more as he was "the slow one" (he wasn't) just that he was less independent than I was. She resented my independence and my supposed intelligence.

She has always treated him a lot better, she looks after my nephew a few days a week so SIL and DB can work full time and looks after him overnight one night a week so they can have a break. Meanwhile I have no help at all and 4 DC and no PIL either, she never offered to have our DC even when I did talk to her probably as they were inferior girls

sweetkitty Sat 19-Oct-13 20:52:24

I have said to DB well come down another day or they can come up (it's an hour away ).

crossparsley Sat 19-Oct-13 22:16:46

"You only get one mother" - says it all. She thinks having a monopoly is just great, she doesn't have to be nice. Well, she only got one chance to be in the whole life of you.

wellcoveredsparerib Sat 19-Oct-13 22:55:37

Op, you may have many valid reasons for not wanting contact with your mum. It is inevitable, however, that since you have made this decision it would impact on your children's relationship with her. You can't now see her lack of contact with your children further proof of her favouring your brother and his family.

sweetkitty Sat 19-Oct-13 23:47:16

My children would always be second best to DBs children especially as he had the cherished grandson.

My mother was interested in DD1 as first grandchild, DD2 she was less bothered with, DD3 she hardly bothered with, didn't visit until she was 10 days old, just another girl she said hmm she told me that your not a real woman until you have a son and all men want a son and DP would leave me if I couldn't give him a son and only she and one cousin had hit the jackpot one of each.

I lost a baby inbetween DD2 & 3, she told me it was for the best as no one has large families these days! We nearly lost DD3 with a threatened MC, DD3 is the light of our lives (as all our children are) I couldn't believe someone would ignore her just because she doesn't have a penis hmm

I couldn't have my DDs treated differently like I was because I wasn't a boy, of course, then I got the cherished boy and she's never seen him. She's threatened to tell DD1 "the truth" when she's 16 hmm

MushroomSoup Sun 20-Oct-13 03:09:50

The truth about what?!

sweetkitty Sun 20-Oct-13 04:23:48

About everything beings fault I'm assuming, that she was a great Mum and it's me who has the problem.

LUKYMUM Sun 20-Oct-13 05:04:26

I'm sorry op. It sucks not having a 'normal mother' especially when it affects your kids' relationships. I'm finding this with my son.

willdivorcesoon Sun 20-Oct-13 07:35:13

I added this to my watch list last night as was too tired to reply.

Sounds like you and I have the same mum OP. I have a resentful bitter mum who seems to take her disappointments in life out on me. I could write a book on the things she says/does to me. Unlike you I haven't managed to go no contact yet but I'm on the verge. Just struggling so much that I'm going to deny my children a grandparent even though she is such a crap one to my children. She is the only one though and I just keep plodding on with her hoping things will get better. The fact she says my children are "weird" says it all really. My sisters children on the other hand are amazing, wonderful etc and she babysits for them constantly. I unexpectedly became a single mum a year ago and in that time she has not babysat once for me. I asked her once and she told me that now I was single I had no need to go out. Nice.

Anyway your story sounds almost identical to mine. Even the "golden sibling" part.

Its hard isn't it??

sweetkitty Sun 20-Oct-13 09:26:02

Oh we do have the same mother willdivorcesoon hmm

When DD1 was born I emailed her a first photo (we were 400 miles apart) she said she looked fat and ginger (my brand new teeny baby)
DD2 was such a disappointment not being a boy she never really bothered with her.

Contact was me phoning her once a week to listen to her tales of woe, about her health there was always something wrong with her, moaning about everyone else and critising me. A few visits a year where she would expect me to run around after her whilst just looking at the DC or taking photos to show everyone else her wonderful grandchildren. I just felt I didn't need that.

I do not miss her I miss having a Mum in my life, my Dad and she divorced when I was a teenager and of course she would always be critising him too. He's next to useless as well and as my PIL are both dead it's really hard.

I know I can't change anything I've accepted that but sometimes it just hurts and I need to have a rant.

willdivorcesoon Sun 20-Oct-13 15:47:05

I know exactly how you feel Sweetkitty - I miss having a 'real' mum and after my marriage broke down really thought my mum would step up - she likes nothing more than a crisis in someone elses life, but even that she turned on its head and it gave her another way to get at me. Literally refusing to babysit, I had to beg her to let us go to hers at Xmas because my h had left 4 weeks before and I so wanted the children to have a nice Xmas given what they were dealing with. She spent most of the day talking about my sister and making me feel absolutely awful about being there.

She has orchestrated a falling out between myself and sister so that she can control when I see my nephews and nieces - I have no idea of everything she has said to my sister but has quoted to me that my sister will never be in the same room as me for as long as she lives! I have no idea what she has said to validate such a strong statement but whenever I try to ask my mum, or my sister I am stonewalled. Its awful. I am having counselling to help me deal with the breakdown of my marriage but a lot of time is also spent talking about my mum who the counsellor described as toxic and a narcissist. She thinks I need to reach a point whereby I can cut her out of my life but I just feel so guilty because of the children. Not that they have much of a relationship with her anyway. It was my eldest birthday recently and she has yet to even text a happy birthday to him. And then she criticises him when he is not fawning all over her like my sisters children do! Makes me so cross that she calls him weird, when in fact she is like a stranger to him as she doesn't see them for months at a time, so why would he be all over her? When I pointed that out to her once, she turned it round on me and said she can't help it if I am too busy all the time to see her which is absolute rubbish - we can't afford to be busy all the time so spend loads of time at home!

I constantly try to stay in touch with her but admit I am getting more and more to a point where I feel as if I will walk away and go no contact. I did that once when I was pregnant with my youngest and feel that for my sanity I need to do it again but with so much happening this year I feel as if I need to deal with one issue at a time!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now