Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What would you think/do if your partner told you...

(22 Posts)
PublicEnemyNumeroUno Sat 19-Oct-13 10:12:58

...That because of your behaviour (being a jealous person) he doesnt love you as much now as he used to?

payhisdebt Sat 19-Oct-13 10:13:59

need more info. Are you a jealous person? If so How does it manifest itself?

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Sat 19-Oct-13 10:22:15

Not sure as its not me in the situation, my best friends partner said this to her, i know she's insecure and had low self esteem and they seem to live in each others pockets, i get the impression she's clingy and controlling with him.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Sat 19-Oct-13 10:24:19

I dont think he should have said that to somebody who is already insecure and think he is partly to blame for her being insecure (he cheated early on, was textin other people behind her back etc)

I think she should LTB but dont want to say that to her

Leverette Sat 19-Oct-13 10:25:06

I'd say it's the partner giving a strong warning that the relationship is falling apart because of the undesirable behaviour.

ImperialBlether Sat 19-Oct-13 10:25:23

I can understand someone being put off their partner if they are clingy, but sometimes that person is causing the problem. It's hard to judge without knowing them. What's he like? Does he give her cause to be jealous?

Leverette Sat 19-Oct-13 10:26:05

Ah. That puts it in a whole different light. Yes she should LTB. He's a headfucker it seems.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Sat 19-Oct-13 10:36:07

He is extremely outgoing and over friendly, a bit too try hard iyswim? whereas she is quiet and practically hides behind him.

Lweji Sat 19-Oct-13 10:40:30

She clearly doesn't trust him, with good reason.
He is trying to get out of it with emotional blackmail.

He doesn't love her enough, full stop. Otherwise he wouldn't have cheated.

She should definitely LTB.

Hopefully they don't have children yet, and she'll dig herself a huge hole if she continues with this relationship.

CailinDana Sat 19-Oct-13 11:37:38

He's not trustworthy, she's clingy. Sounds like a waste of time to me.

AcidNails Sat 19-Oct-13 11:49:02

Hmmm as much as he sounds a bit of a dick with regards the cheating, I have to say if my DH was very jealous / controlling / clingy, I wouldn't love him as much, nor find him attractive tbh.

Sounds like they'd be better off calling it a day.

Twinklestein Sat 19-Oct-13 11:56:05

Cheating & texting other people would make anyone insecure.

He's blaming her for a situation that he is partly responsible for.

She may be very clingy anyway, but she can't not be with a guy who behaves like that.

StandingInLine Sat 19-Oct-13 12:02:27

My best friend is very insecure when it comes to her husband, to the extent she won't let him take a job where he'll have to mix with other females (probably about 90% of jobs nowadays). I know he loves her but gets him down being constantly checked up on and having her fly of the handle when he so much as mentions the opposite sex. I know if they split, that'll be the reason.
However, saying that to someone when their actions are the reason they're like that is a bit crap. He'd probably be moaning that she didn't care if she was the opposite and showed no jealousy whatsoever.

RevelsRoulette Sat 19-Oct-13 12:37:26

Sounds like she is what he has made her!

If he'd never given cause for insecurity, then I'd say it's her problem. But when you shit all over someone, you can't blame them for being afraid that you're going to do it again.

Perhaps the best thing she could do for herself would be to leave.

cluecu Sat 19-Oct-13 15:49:48

How long ago was his dodgy behaviour and has he tried hsrd to make amends? At least hes been honest about his feelings now but it sounds like an unhealthy relationship and one that has probably been damaged irreparably alreadysad

BasilBabyEater Sat 19-Oct-13 16:07:52

So he cheated on her and then blames her for being insecure?

I'd think he was a nob, since you ask.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 19-Oct-13 19:13:37

I think it's classic emotional bullying. He's exploiting her insecurity, making it worse with his behaviour and then using it as a stick to beat her with. 'l wouldn't treat you like shit if you weren't so clingy'.... is a pretty nasty argument.

AnandaTimeIn Sat 19-Oct-13 20:29:11

I bet he's the one to fan the flames of her jealousy....

he doesnt love you as much now as he used to

Right, a nice controlling mechanism to keep her in line.

Run or walk away from this - it will not get better.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Sat 19-Oct-13 21:11:49

"I wouldnt treat you like shit if you weren't so clingy"

That is it exactly cogito she says that he has these outbursts and lays into her (verbally) then blames it on the fact that she's too clingy and that its frustrating him.

He cheated at the start of the relationship so about 5 or 6 years ago now? And was texting his ex for the first couple of years. They (my friend and him) split up a few times, but kept getting back together after he practically begged her. I dont think he's done anything dodgy since (concerning other women)

They have a child together too

They sound like a pair of drama llamas who deserve each other. Some people get off on flirting/texting purely because it makes their official partner freak out, some people are obsessively whiny and clingy because they believe everyone cheats and that policing monogamy is their life's calling. Both types of people insist that this sort of ghastly, tedious, childish relationship is 'passionate' and 'special' and can't see that they are in fact boring the collective arse off all their friends.

Walk away and leave them to it, OP.

ChanelTunel Sat 19-Oct-13 21:52:32

Doesn't love her as much as he used to? She should realise that mentally,or physically,he's off.

garlicvampire Sun 20-Oct-13 02:36:53

Oh, no, poor woman. My arse of an ex divorced me because of my 'jealousy'. He gave me huge rants about it on a regular basis. This strangely didn't make me feel all that secure; neither did his habits of disappearing with no notice, refusing to tell me anything about his activities, and being the subject of sleazy gossip after his boozy nights out.

In case you were wondering, he divorced me because he was such a control freak that I had to 'let' him be the injured party. Doesn't make any difference in the long run. After I'd moved out, I told him "I wasn't insecure before I met you."
"I know," he said, smirking.

There are some people, men and women, with emotional disorders that make them unusually clingy, possessive, and whatnot. If you have one of these conditions you know about it by the time you're an adult. Things like hormonal malfunctions can also bring it on. If you don't have a disorder but find yourself feeling like that, you're with the wrong person.
Please tell your friend this; it's horrible to be manipulated into distrusting your own feelings.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now