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Does this man sound abusive. I say no - my friends think YES!

(154 Posts)
LovelyVerity Fri 18-Oct-13 17:48:38

OK, I'm asking for a friend (no really I am). My 3 best girlfriends and I have known each other for the best part of two decades - we all lived together at uni. One of us has been single for over a decade - didn't want her kids to get "uncles" - fair enough. So at Christmas she announced she was going to do "dating for fun" now youngest is at Boarding school - then 2 weeks later she met this bloke she now describes as The Real Deal. Last weekend he proposed!

I like him - I would say yes. Our other two friends think she is vulnerable and he is controlling and scary. One of them goes so far to say he will probably end up hitting her. Here's why they think that:

1. When they first met, he refused to have sex for 4 months, because he doesn't 'do' casual sex - they say weird and controlling for a bloke - I say fair enough.
2. He has professional qualifications in massage/hoslitic therapies (not sleazy) and likes to massage my friend - usually moving onto sex. I say WOO HOO - they say he likes his women passive and inert.
3. He enjoys masturbating her to orgasm.. apparently this makes him controlling and domineering.. I could live with that ;-)
4. He told her he'd like to take her somewhere special for her birthday - and then turned up on her doorstep that morning and told her they were going to Le Meurice, Paris for dinner - which meant she had to cancel brunch with us on the Sunday (which we do often anyway), as they obv stayed over night... they say... well - you get the picture.. I think it was maybe a tad presumptuous but FFS... it's new love... and it was LE MEURICE!!!
5. He says he wants to get married and try for a baby ASAP. My friends think this is pushy and pressurising and close to emotional blackmail. Friend had thought her baby days were done - but he has no children. I sort of admire him for being so up front.

What do you think? I should add, he's charming, educated, funny and solvent, and he gets on great with her children (now 18 and 15). I would say yes, but are my friends really seeing danger signs that I just can't see?

gamerchick Fri 18-Oct-13 17:52:23

Are they jealous?

Quietattheback Fri 18-Oct-13 17:52:55

Is she dating HullDad?

Spirulina Fri 18-Oct-13 17:53:51

I'd say 10 months isn't long enough to know he's the real deal.... Not yet

How long are they together?

Has she told them other things that you haven't heard?

Have either of them been in a dodgy relationship (i.e. their twat radar may be better than yours - or due to previous/current experience they may be far more sensitive than you to non red flag things)?

5 is the one that would worry me most - but taken in relation to how long they have been together it might be OK. But are her baby days over because she's been single so long and just didn't think she'd meet someone (so circumstantial) or was it a definite decision that she doesn't want any more? In other words is he convincing her of something that she secretly wants anyway, or is he pressuring her to do something she doesn't want to?

Sorry, have just seen 10 months. Hmm, bit dodgy perhaps.

RevelsRoulette Fri 18-Oct-13 17:57:48

1 - fine. Stereotypical idea that men have got to think with their dick at all times. It's not a bad thing in itself that a man doesn't want to have casual sex!

2 - sounds lovely

3 - your friend tells you WAY too much about her sex life. But still, not bad. sounds like a considerate lover.

4 - some people would find that romantic, it's certainly considered to be - whisk her away to paris blah blah blah, but I think it's actually a better idea than reality. what if you CAN'T just up sticks and go?

5 - He's being honest about what he wants. If your friend doesn't want that, now is the time for her to speak up!

None of what you describe sounds bad. But as with all things, it really depends on how he comes across in rl. It is perfectly possible for even the nicest most innocent sounding things to actually be controlling!

If she says no, does he accept that without question? Is he telling her what is going to happen or is he talking with her about their future and planning it with her?

It's less about what someone does than it is about the way they do it and their attitude if the other person does not go along with what they want.

Is he called Brian?

meditrina Fri 18-Oct-13 17:58:07

I wondered about the massage too!

I'm not sure what to make of the the first point - could be either.

2 and 3 are fine, assuming part of a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.

4 is ok if a one-off grand gesture (which is appropriate for a birthday). It's an enormous red flag if it happens routinely, though.

5 could be a rush to get her tied in to a relationship, which would be a worry. Does she actually want more DC?

Branleuse Fri 18-Oct-13 17:58:58

does the massage involve the yoni?

I think it sounds lovely. Well maybe not the marriage and babies bit, but surely she has a say in that too?

MorrisZapp Fri 18-Oct-13 17:59:21

He sounds fine to me. Too woo for my liking, but each to their own.

Can I ask, how long is it meant to take to decide if somebody's the 'real deal'?

I don't think twat radars are time dependent.

RevelsRoulette Fri 18-Oct-13 17:59:26

I married my husband 3 months after we met and I've served 15 years so far. So I wouldn't say that 10 months is too early to be talking about it grin

outragedofsuburbia Fri 18-Oct-13 18:00:10

He sounds great...but I would not agree to marry anyone that fast.

sittinginthesun Fri 18-Oct-13 18:00:11

Have you/she met his friends and family? That would be the answer to me - insist on getting to know them and sound him out a bit.

rainbowfeet Fri 18-Oct-13 18:00:38

I'm single & probably a similar age to your friend but much younger children... I would have no problem with any of the above apart from no. 1 ..... I like a flirty build up before dtd but 4 months way too long!! I'd have exploded!! wink

Thants Fri 18-Oct-13 18:01:26

I think they are rushing things. But if wants to slow thinks down does she feel she can tell him?
Other than that he sounds nice, those all sound like positives!

Unless there is some other major red flag, your friends should back off judging. She will do as she pleases. If they are wrong she will never forgive them for doubting her DP. If they are right then she will need them there to pick up the pieces.

bluebirdwsm Fri 18-Oct-13 18:03:24

He sounds somewhat controlling and very measured in getting this woman just where he would like her by working to a 'what women want' script.
But call me cynical......
I think there is something to be concerned about if both of your friends have similar opinions.

ConfusedandDazed24 Fri 18-Oct-13 18:03:40

Are you sure there's not more that they're not telling you/you're not telling us?? It's a bit odd for three of your friends to think this for supposedly no reason.

Zarqoun Fri 18-Oct-13 18:06:13

Grand gestures can be a red flag. Depends on whether or not he can really afford them. I had a friend who ended up with half the debt from his grand romantic gestures.

The fast marriage & kids would be a flag too but it's been a few months, at least he's not trying to pin her down in the first few weeks.

The other things sound pretty much ok to me!

Chandra Fri 18-Oct-13 18:11:31

They are in love and they are not saying they are gettin married before Christmas and with a baby in their arms next year. They are just having a great time and thinking about a future together

FabricQueen Fri 18-Oct-13 18:13:38

There are red flags flying for me because rushing things along is almost always a warning sign that there is something not right. If it's so great, it will keep. Where's the fire?

Mojavewonderer Fri 18-Oct-13 18:17:16

He sounds lovely to me! Love the whisking off to Paris bit. Lucky girl! I would have said YES!!!
I married my ex after being together 3 years and he's an ex for a reason. I married my husband after a year and we have never been happier!! I think when it's right it's right!

WidowWadman Fri 18-Oct-13 18:19:06

Hulldad, haha!

cjel Fri 18-Oct-13 18:20:32

HA<HA Yoni and HUll dadgrin
It sounds a bit creepy to me and I think if she is saying 'he x,y,z, because shes noticing, then shes not comfortable about them, they aren't good.

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