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another bad night....he said he was leaving me again then didnt...

(40 Posts)
LittleBlondeNinja Fri 18-Oct-13 00:34:50

Hi everyone, just looking for some hand holding/advice please. me and my dp have only been together for 6 months but things moved pretty fast he lives with me and my ds of nearly 3 and normally things are great but recently we have had these periods of arguing and he has tried to leave me multiple times each time resulting in me begging him to stay sad happened again tonight in the end he has gone and slept on the sofa - im thinking of sending him a little message just to make sure he knows I love him and I don't want him to leave because we are a little family now but im sure I should because of the things he has said?

Im feeling very wobbly and low right now, my self esteem is shattered and im literally on the floor. Any advice please x

Sorry to be harsh but you are crazy to have moved a man in with your child so quickly and you are NOT a family. He is dangling you on a string with these threats to leave and you are wasting a huge amount of emotional energy on him and the relationship that you should be saving for yourself and your child.
This relationship is NOT HEALTHY and it is is bad for you and your child.

FolkGirl Sun 20-Oct-13 08:15:16

What SGB said. That's explains why I did it exactly.

You have better advice than I did, you've got women here telling you what is happening and why and that you shouldn't accept this. So don't.

FolkGirl Sun 20-Oct-13 08:11:41

This is what it's like after 6 months?!

Sorry, but it's not a family, it's a disaster, and one that threatens the security of the most important person in the household; your son.

He sounds very much like my stbxh in the very early days of our relationship 15 years ago. I turned to my family for support and they told me to do whatever it took to keep him because I was lucky to have him hmm. I wish I'd had MN in those days. I wouldn't be where I am now if I'd had the advice you're getting on here.

You really will only have yourself to blame when this goes horribly wrong. And it will, because it already is.

ScaryFucker Sun 20-Oct-13 08:07:02

I give it 6 weeks, sorry sad

Lweji Sun 20-Oct-13 01:47:26

I don't think this is strictly a matter of him threatening to leave, but trying to control you, which is bad news.
He may well stop the threats but I bet he'll be emotionally abusive in another way.

Please be alert and dump at the first sign of emotional abuse. Put downs, name calling, cold shoulder (more than just taking a bit of time to cool off) are worrying signs.

You really don't want to be with a person who does this, let alone so early on in the actual relationship.

Honestly, throw this man out. He doesn't actually want to leave, but is using the threat of it in order to make you grovel and submit and devote yourself to pleasing him.
Once you have put him out, it's time to do some work on your self-esteem and your boundaries. I expect that someone or something in your past did a good job of convincing you that a woman without a male owner partner is unnatural and wrong, and there is nothing more important than Pleasing Your Man. This is bullshit. It's much better to be single.

dontyouwantmebaby Sun 20-Oct-13 00:08:34

agree with all the previous posters, it is irresponsible for him to get involved with you whilst you have a small child and all this threatening to leave is dangerous and manipulative. sounds like he has you on a string he can yank whenever it suits.

am so sorry your self-esteem is shattered but I can't help think 'no wonder' as this relationship doesn't sound good at all. Please don't think you won't meet someone else you can love and who will love you.

(I've been there btw, begging someone to return but knowing what I know now, realise I would've been better off without them) Plus once you've begged for them to return, you're always on the back foot in the relationship. It's not a good place to be. You can do better, you CAN.

youvegotmail Sat 19-Oct-13 23:43:42

No - no decent man moves in so soon with a woman who has a child. Even supposing he was swept away in the romance of it all, if that man is decent, he doesn't then start threatening to leave.

You are not a family - he clearly has no proper regard for your child. You need to get rid of him asap and focus on your little boy for a while, and make sure you are in a very stable and committed relationship before you move a man in next time.

BasilBabyEater Sat 19-Oct-13 23:11:50

LBN I'm really sorry you're settling for this.

It is highly irresponsible for him to get involved in the life of a small child and be so cavalier about it - it really doesn't augur well. Just doing what he's done already, shows that he is not a decent man, a reasonable partner or a desirable influence in your DS's life. I personally wouldn't give hiim the chance to threaten to leave again, it's not someone who is going to make a good long term partner, would do. Sorry to point this out because it's not something you're going to want to hear, but he's already shown that he is not going to be a good partner and role model for your DS.

You sound as if you're so desperate to play happy families that you'll ignore the red flags that are flying gaily round this relationship. Just a couple of posts on the internet and it's really obvious that it is dreadfully dysfunctional after only 6 months.

cjel Sat 19-Oct-13 23:02:36

sorry you've been feeling ill OP, but please post her when you next feel the urge to beg, this isn't a healthy relationship and should end.

LittleBlondeNinja Sat 19-Oct-13 22:28:57

Hi all sorry for late reply had a bad few days of being poorly sad
Thanks for all your advice everyone didn't expect that sort of response so quickly. He went to work as normal in the morning and we spoke when he got home and went over a few important things you guys mentioned in this post - I told him we will have baddd days and baddd arguments but the next time he says he is leaving me Im letting him go so he better mean it. No more begging or pleading nooo way not doing that again.

Struggling a lot recently with being poorly and endometriosis playing havoc with me i'm literally on my knees. Ive know him for a while as he was a family friend sort of thing so its not like ive moved a complete stranger in - ds took to him straight away which was nice - don't get me wrong it was little by little but he needs to realise leaving is a big thing and you don't just to and fro - thanks everyone for there response!!!

ScaryFucker Fri 18-Oct-13 19:52:04

where has op gone ?

mammadiggingdeep Fri 18-Oct-13 19:46:32

Your post made me so sad op.
you're worth a lot more than this! If someone says they don't want to be with you don't just let them go...show them the bloody door!!

Also, please don't allow your ds to witness arguining and to-ing and fro-ing...especially with a man you've known for 6 months. To be honest, and this is not meant to offend you, but I'm pretty horrified that you've moved a man in so quickly with such a young son.
Hope you're ok
X

ScaryFucker Fri 18-Oct-13 17:56:44

How are things, OP ?

SoleSorceress Fri 18-Oct-13 13:16:29

*Been

SoleSorceress Fri 18-Oct-13 13:15:55

Ben there, done it. My advice is exactly what I did. He came back and I ignored the doorbell.

Andro Fri 18-Oct-13 13:14:21

Pack his stuff and apply metaphorical boot to backside, your self esteem will not improve with someone like this in your life!

SoleSorceress Fri 18-Oct-13 13:14:18

Make the decision for him, pack his stuff whilst he is out, leave it outside the door and cut contact. Unhealthy relationship from day one if you ask me. I agree please think of your DS.

Viviennemary Fri 18-Oct-13 13:03:46

I think you should just let him leave as he obviously wants to. And the longer he stays the more hurtful the break-up is going to be. Most people have been there and looking back you think why on earth did I.

Tweetypie27 Fri 18-Oct-13 12:58:22

Don't beg him to stay with you he will be lapping that right up he's got you right where he wants you and he knows it.
It's only been six months this shouldn't be happening after six months with someone you should still be in the honey moon period.
I would walk away now I can only see more hurt for you especially as he's calling all the shots here which is obvious to see.

Walk away now tell him to go open the door for him.

KringleCandleLover Fri 18-Oct-13 12:52:16

I think you're going to have to let him go. From what you've said, dp really doesn't want you but you are pulling sob stories and kind of tugging on his heart strings which makes him stay.
Don't take this the wrong way as I'm sure plenty of us have been there, I have. Its heartbreaking when you love someone so much and they don't feel the same.
I seriously think you need to let him go

Tulip26 Fri 18-Oct-13 12:45:47

Pack his bags.

He sounds incredibly controlling and manipulative. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that's how women should be treated? Pack him up and throw him out. Change the locks. He'll lose control and then he'll panic, say anything to get you back and within a week it'll be back to the same situation.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 18-Oct-13 12:41:02

Next time just say okay go then. Honestly he thinks you are going to fall down begging him to stay so of course he'll dangle that possibility in front of you. Later he might take it a step further, run rings round you and disrespect you because he knows you will plead and not give him grief.

Sometimes when things move fast you think wow lucky me and sometimes clues that things aren't all going to be roses get dismissed because you're caught up in the excitement.

Consider now very carefully how things are, did his attitude change once he moved in, does he treat you the same way he did at first or is he starting to get bossy or lazy?

LookingThroughTheFog Fri 18-Oct-13 09:11:01

He is manipulating you.

You: I have a different point of view/want to do things differently.

Him: No, your view is not my view so is invalid/you must do things my way.

You: No, I'm right!

Him: If you don't retract your argument/do what I want, I will leave you.

You: I'm so sorry! You're right! Please don't leave me! You can have your own way! I'm sorry for stepping out of line!

If he's being this bad after just 6 months, imagine what he'll be insisting on in three years time. That's a long time for you not being able to express a view for fear that he'll walk out the door.

LadyGoodman Fri 18-Oct-13 08:18:10

Christ OP think of your child your relationship sounds crap and that's not fair on your lo.

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