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another bad night....he said he was leaving me again then didnt...

(40 Posts)
LittleBlondeNinja Fri 18-Oct-13 00:34:50

Hi everyone, just looking for some hand holding/advice please. me and my dp have only been together for 6 months but things moved pretty fast he lives with me and my ds of nearly 3 and normally things are great but recently we have had these periods of arguing and he has tried to leave me multiple times each time resulting in me begging him to stay sad happened again tonight in the end he has gone and slept on the sofa - im thinking of sending him a little message just to make sure he knows I love him and I don't want him to leave because we are a little family now but im sure I should because of the things he has said?

Im feeling very wobbly and low right now, my self esteem is shattered and im literally on the floor. Any advice please x

SoleSorceress Fri 18-Oct-13 13:16:29

*Been

ScaryFucker Fri 18-Oct-13 17:56:44

How are things, OP ?

mammadiggingdeep Fri 18-Oct-13 19:46:32

Your post made me so sad op.
you're worth a lot more than this! If someone says they don't want to be with you don't just let them go...show them the bloody door!!

Also, please don't allow your ds to witness arguining and to-ing and fro-ing...especially with a man you've known for 6 months. To be honest, and this is not meant to offend you, but I'm pretty horrified that you've moved a man in so quickly with such a young son.
Hope you're ok
X

ScaryFucker Fri 18-Oct-13 19:52:04

where has op gone ?

LittleBlondeNinja Sat 19-Oct-13 22:28:57

Hi all sorry for late reply had a bad few days of being poorly sad
Thanks for all your advice everyone didn't expect that sort of response so quickly. He went to work as normal in the morning and we spoke when he got home and went over a few important things you guys mentioned in this post - I told him we will have baddd days and baddd arguments but the next time he says he is leaving me Im letting him go so he better mean it. No more begging or pleading nooo way not doing that again.

Struggling a lot recently with being poorly and endometriosis playing havoc with me i'm literally on my knees. Ive know him for a while as he was a family friend sort of thing so its not like ive moved a complete stranger in - ds took to him straight away which was nice - don't get me wrong it was little by little but he needs to realise leaving is a big thing and you don't just to and fro - thanks everyone for there response!!!

cjel Sat 19-Oct-13 23:02:36

sorry you've been feeling ill OP, but please post her when you next feel the urge to beg, this isn't a healthy relationship and should end.

BasilBabyEater Sat 19-Oct-13 23:11:50

LBN I'm really sorry you're settling for this.

It is highly irresponsible for him to get involved in the life of a small child and be so cavalier about it - it really doesn't augur well. Just doing what he's done already, shows that he is not a decent man, a reasonable partner or a desirable influence in your DS's life. I personally wouldn't give hiim the chance to threaten to leave again, it's not someone who is going to make a good long term partner, would do. Sorry to point this out because it's not something you're going to want to hear, but he's already shown that he is not going to be a good partner and role model for your DS.

You sound as if you're so desperate to play happy families that you'll ignore the red flags that are flying gaily round this relationship. Just a couple of posts on the internet and it's really obvious that it is dreadfully dysfunctional after only 6 months.

youvegotmail Sat 19-Oct-13 23:43:42

No - no decent man moves in so soon with a woman who has a child. Even supposing he was swept away in the romance of it all, if that man is decent, he doesn't then start threatening to leave.

You are not a family - he clearly has no proper regard for your child. You need to get rid of him asap and focus on your little boy for a while, and make sure you are in a very stable and committed relationship before you move a man in next time.

dontyouwantmebaby Sun 20-Oct-13 00:08:34

agree with all the previous posters, it is irresponsible for him to get involved with you whilst you have a small child and all this threatening to leave is dangerous and manipulative. sounds like he has you on a string he can yank whenever it suits.

am so sorry your self-esteem is shattered but I can't help think 'no wonder' as this relationship doesn't sound good at all. Please don't think you won't meet someone else you can love and who will love you.

(I've been there btw, begging someone to return but knowing what I know now, realise I would've been better off without them) Plus once you've begged for them to return, you're always on the back foot in the relationship. It's not a good place to be. You can do better, you CAN.

Honestly, throw this man out. He doesn't actually want to leave, but is using the threat of it in order to make you grovel and submit and devote yourself to pleasing him.
Once you have put him out, it's time to do some work on your self-esteem and your boundaries. I expect that someone or something in your past did a good job of convincing you that a woman without a male owner partner is unnatural and wrong, and there is nothing more important than Pleasing Your Man. This is bullshit. It's much better to be single.

Lweji Portugal Sun 20-Oct-13 01:47:26

I don't think this is strictly a matter of him threatening to leave, but trying to control you, which is bad news.
He may well stop the threats but I bet he'll be emotionally abusive in another way.

Please be alert and dump at the first sign of emotional abuse. Put downs, name calling, cold shoulder (more than just taking a bit of time to cool off) are worrying signs.

You really don't want to be with a person who does this, let alone so early on in the actual relationship.

ScaryFucker Sun 20-Oct-13 08:07:02

I give it 6 weeks, sorry sad

FolkGirl Sun 20-Oct-13 08:11:41

This is what it's like after 6 months?!

Sorry, but it's not a family, it's a disaster, and one that threatens the security of the most important person in the household; your son.

He sounds very much like my stbxh in the very early days of our relationship 15 years ago. I turned to my family for support and they told me to do whatever it took to keep him because I was lucky to have him hmm. I wish I'd had MN in those days. I wouldn't be where I am now if I'd had the advice you're getting on here.

You really will only have yourself to blame when this goes horribly wrong. And it will, because it already is.

FolkGirl Sun 20-Oct-13 08:15:16

What SGB said. That's explains why I did it exactly.

You have better advice than I did, you've got women here telling you what is happening and why and that you shouldn't accept this. So don't.

Sorry to be harsh but you are crazy to have moved a man in with your child so quickly and you are NOT a family. He is dangling you on a string with these threats to leave and you are wasting a huge amount of emotional energy on him and the relationship that you should be saving for yourself and your child.
This relationship is NOT HEALTHY and it is is bad for you and your child.

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