Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do you think an affair can be harmless if it's never discovered?

(241 Posts)
Dietxokebreak Thu 17-Oct-13 18:23:54

And if its mainly physical, neither party had any intention of leaving their partner and it's conducted at times they would be away from their families anyway?

PopcornGrace Thu 17-Oct-13 21:05:41

What you are doing is wrong. And you know it. I'm glad you posted on here though - brave - because you know that you are going to get the truth that you have refused to face.

I'm married but even in my most desperate single days I would never even consider a married man - and made it very clear to any advances. Frankly at that time I found any married man hitting on me so incredibly depressing. Maybe you need to look inside yourself to see why you are so keen to be used. Many great self esteem books out there or if you have a faith that is a good place to start.

LeBeauReve Thu 17-Oct-13 21:06:01

I had an affair once, and no matter how much you try and convince yourself it is harmless it definitely does change how you behave and treat your DP/DH.
Also, no matter how much you think you can, very very few women can have any kind if sexual relationship without becoming emotionally involved or attached.

Chibbs Thu 17-Oct-13 21:11:12

i dont have to defend my decisions! - if i was still single now and found someone that i wanted to have a physical relationship with, regardless if married or not then i still would. I am quite capable of having a sexual relationship without becoming emotionally involved - as are quiet a few men, so not all men doing that would have an impact on their family life.

Leavenheath Thu 17-Oct-13 21:11:15

Thing is, the OW/OM know fuck all about whether their affairs are 'harmless'. The OW and OM never get to see their lovers disparaging their spouses, shouting at the kids or being shitbags at home or in company. You'd have to think someone was a 'good husband' and sweetness and light at home to carry on without your conscience pricking you, if you're even halfway decent.

While I'm sure there are OW and OM who get off on the idea their lovers are horrible to their spouses, I don't think everyone's that twisted. All you can speak of as an OW is the harm it's doing to you. The rest is an unknown quantity, but going by the posts on here, the compartmentaliser who's a doting husband doing his share of the housework who looks after his kids while his wife goes out for her social life, appears to be rarer than hens' teeth.

Most people on here report on here that their husbands underwent a personality transplant from a good bloke to a nasty, abusive and entitled twat.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:12:17

Are you in a monogamous relationship now, chibbs ?

lottieandmia Thu 17-Oct-13 21:13:19

Of course it's never harmless. You are lying to the other person in your relationship and the relationship is therefore a lie.

Chibbs Thu 17-Oct-13 21:13:54

no i am not SF.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:15:04

You said if you were "still single". You are in an open relationship then ?

ALittleStranger Thu 17-Oct-13 21:15:45

Chibbs but you haven't experienced it, you weren't in the relationship where the cheating occured and have no idea what was going on.

LeBeauReve Thu 17-Oct-13 21:17:05

The whole notion of "girl code/woman code" is so false. In my experience.

yeghoulsandlittledevils Thu 17-Oct-13 21:19:43

Dietxokebreak tell his wife to her face and give her the chance to tell you exactly what she thinks. Do you really think she would say,

'Yes Die, of course it's alright! Go ahead and have it away with my DH, the father of my children any time you please. After all, when he isn't with me I can'[t be having him, so you might as well be making good use of him.'

Go on, try it. Give her your real name and your contact details and see what she has to say for you.

Chibbs Thu 17-Oct-13 21:19:46

we are not in an open relationship per say, but we do enjoy others joining.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:21:25

So, chibbs, if your partner shagged someone else without you "joining in" and without your knowledge, how would that go down ?

MissStrawberry Thu 17-Oct-13 21:21:53

hmm.

Leavenheath Thu 17-Oct-13 21:21:57

Oh FFS are you really that stupid and naive Chibbs?

Of course men and women can have sex without emotional involvement, but those aren't the only emotions involved are they?

What about the stress and worry of living a double life, or the feelings associated with knowing you're deceiving loved ones and lying all the time? Or the constant fear that any day someone's going to find you out?

There are very few people if any who don't feel those emotions when they are screwing around behind a partner's back. It requires a split in oneself to carry it off and the only ones who can do that successfully have sociopathic tendencies.

What a crock of shite that this is just about emotions for a sex partner.

RadagastTheBrown Thu 17-Oct-13 21:23:26

Chibbs - you appear to have no morality when it comes to affairs so I wonder what you would consider 'off limits' in your strangely drawn map of the world?

Leavenheath Thu 17-Oct-13 21:23:30

arf at 'per say' grin

ALittleStranger Thu 17-Oct-13 21:24:27

I think Chibbs may be my sister in law, or else all people with boringly "alternative" sex lives feel the need to divert attention to themselves.

Chibbs Thu 17-Oct-13 21:26:21

i dont think that would happen sf, why have one when you can have 2?

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:33:34

Of course it can happen, chibbs. It's "wild" and exciting to get one over on someone, isn't it ? It's just too boring to always have what you know is allowed, even if that is two at once.

When you have a certain mindset, everything gets boring after a while. I would watch out if I were you.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:35:24

Perhaps that repressed, uptight school mum who has only slept with one bloke in her life starts to look like a challenge to a proppa swordsman like your Nigel. I can picture it now smile

Chibbs Thu 17-Oct-13 21:36:15

well yes of course there is always the chance it could happen, but that is life isnt it. fortunatly we are very open and honest with each other, as well as very trusting - it does help that he works at home and we live in middle of no where. wink

Nagoo Thu 17-Oct-13 21:36:22

It's different in an open relationship. No one is getting fucked over and lied to.

The betrayal will be there whether the other party can prove anything or not. The deceit makes a mockery of the marriage more than the shagging about IMO.

Chibbs Thu 17-Oct-13 21:37:46

i dont think my "nigel" would consider himself a "swordsman" considering our lifestyle he does not have many notches on his bed post.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:41:42

But chibbs, where there's a will, there's a way. Those long days out in the countryside can get tedious looking at the same pair(s) of tits over the cornflakes.

How strange you are so "trusting" when you have seen first hand how some cheaters will lie like fuck to get a grip of a different pair of tits.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now