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Do you think an affair can be harmless if it's never discovered?

(241 Posts)
Dietxokebreak Thu 17-Oct-13 18:23:54

And if its mainly physical, neither party had any intention of leaving their partner and it's conducted at times they would be away from their families anyway?

Dietxokebreak Sun 20-Oct-13 14:43:37

Yes - he tells me that I shouldn't feel bad because he's the one doing wrong but seems he just doesn't feel bad enough to stop so am starting to feel i'll have to walk away and not let myself be part of it.

I never thought it through and made a concious decision that it was a good idea. I know it is not but think it was probably your classic slippery slope from 'harmless' flirting to being way too involved without really seeing it and then I wanted to believe that it wasn't so bad even though I know it is.

ScaryFucker Sun 20-Oct-13 14:48:44

It certainly sounds like you should end it for your own sake too

Like I said many posts ago on this thread, you will look back on this period of your life and feel ashamed

A way to ameliorate that shame is to resolve to end it yourself (before you get traded in for another model, because you will) immediately

Leavenheath Sun 20-Oct-13 15:11:09

He doesn't want you to feel bad because then you'd pull the plug on it.

He knows damned well that a lot of women in your situation would feel bad and just can't make those sort of bargains. As Scary says, there'll probably be others who can. As you can see from him, people are able to twist all sorts of things to justify why they do what they want to.

Your little bargain to do what you wanted to was that it wasn't doing anyone or anything any harm. Now you've faced up to the unlikelihood of that and have acknowledged there's not much in this for you either, hopefully you can't deceive yourself any longer.

Wellwobbly Sun 20-Oct-13 15:31:05

Here's how you end it:

tell him that you being together makes you so happy and him happy also, and so you are going to tell his wife so she can be happy for you both.
very important to act dim and happy

You will not see him for dust!

meditrina Sun 20-Oct-13 15:37:27

As you can never rule out chance discovery, I hope you're keeping your CV up to date, and have skills transferable to other sectors if your reputation is wrecked beyond short-term fix in your current field.

Missbopeep Sun 20-Oct-13 17:40:18

Don't you think HE should be the one keeping his CV up to date?
Married, senior, 'taking advantage' of a younger and perhaps vulnerable woman?

ALittleStranger Sun 20-Oct-13 17:56:43

I think it's very unlikely that the OP could "trash" her reputation enough to not be employable in her sector! And if that were the case then we should all be a little outraged.

nooka Sun 20-Oct-13 19:24:11

Sector issues seem unlikely, but given the guy is senior to her and it's a small company I don't think that it is unreasonable to speculate that the OP may be at some risk employment wise if things end badly (for whatever reason). Not necessarily that she may be sacked but that she may find things made very uncomfortable.

Dietxokebreak Sun 20-Oct-13 22:05:36

It would be awkward and I wouldn't want people to know but i'm moving to another office next year so there's not much longer that i'll be around him anyway.

meditrina Sun 20-Oct-13 22:14:13

It's not a case of who "should" be keeping their CV up to date. It's a case of how it will work out - the junior one is the expendable one. And a reputation for shagging the boss (or similar) can haunt you for years, especially if it's a line of work where everyone knows everyone. It'll be career limiting as you will be typecast into the 'lightweight' category. It won't be the affair partner 'trashing' her reputation - it'll be everyone and their gossip that'll do that.

I agree that all that is wrong. But I doubt societal attitudes will have changed in time to help OP if discovered. Hence need for planning for a different career.

Diet forget the CV, forget all of that. You'll not get fired. Everyone is far too scared of a sexual harassment case to so much as threaten you with a disciplinary.

Perhaps just have a heart. Read the threads on here from women going through the discovery of their partner's affair. You can practically taste the pain. Read them all, and then read them again. Try and understand, just try.

Her DH is the one breaking his vows, but you don't have to make it quite so easy for him.

Chelsealady Sun 20-Oct-13 23:02:16

Would you see it as harmless if your partner was to cheat on you? I very much doubt it so why should you do it? I beleive on treating your partner how you wish them to treat you!

Dietxokebreak Sun 20-Oct-13 23:37:33

Chelsealady- if I knew about it of course I'd be hurt and it wouldn't be harmless. What I meant was whether it was possible that if an affair wasn't know about or ever discovered/disclosed that the innocent partner wouldn't be impacted in any way or whether there was always a change in behaviour/damage done to the relationship

Leavenheath Sun 20-Oct-13 23:41:20

So what are you going to do OP?

blueshoes Sun 20-Oct-13 23:44:07

meditrina, you are just scaremongering.

Wellwobbly Mon 21-Oct-13 07:43:27

flowers thanks
'Her DH is the one breaking his vows, but you don't have to make it quite so easy for him.' flowers thanks

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