Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Fed up with DP and money issues

(22 Posts)
Stripyjojocat Thu 17-Oct-13 08:53:26

Had a thread in AIBU that upset some people because apparently that wasn't the place for relationship issues

I'm 25 weeks pregnant. I fell pregnant accidentally, I'm 18, my partner is 22. We'd been together 6 months and decided to move in together so we started renting an apartment last month.

Everything seems to be going wrong. DP can't hold onto money for more than 2 seconds. On paper we have more than enough and should be fine so why are we in and out of overdrafts? I've questioned this and then the next night he will come with a PS3 game or something like that. Yet when I tell him I'm going shopping because I need some new leggings because none of my old clothes fit me it turns into a row because apparently we need to save our money.

I feel like I'm constantly walking round on the verge of a breakdown. DP doesn't want to do any antenatal classes at all, not even the NHS ones because apparently no one he knows uses them and we can learn it all from books. I said I will have no friends when I'm on ML with a newborn - I've moved 40 miles from where I used to live and all my old friends have gone to uni anyway. So I said I will go to some baby groups when the baby's born and he doesn't want me to do that either, he wants us all to go out together on a weekend as a family. He doesn't want to do anything with my family. We've chosen a name for our baby (we're having a boy) and my parents keep calling the baby a nickname which I don't mind. DP doesn't like it and keeps telling me to say something to them.

We said I will pay for food and he will pay for the bills yet in the last month he's asked me for half the council tax, Sky bill and n-power bill.

I'm so fed up. My life should have been so different. I love my baby so much already and know I made the right decision in keeping him but sometimes I just think how on earth have I ended up here?

Boosterseattheballcleaner Thu 17-Oct-13 08:59:09

Congratulations on your pregnancy Stripey flowers

Is spending money on PS3 Games more important than ensuring the mother of your child is appropriately dressed and comfortable during her pregnancy, or do his needs always come 1st?

I already had a baby when i met DH at 18, we moved in together at 19 and he sacrificed nights out, Xbox games and lads trips abroad to keep his DSS in a nice house with plenty of nappies and food. What type of role model would you rather your DS have?

I respect my DH, can you respect your partner?

NeedlesCuties Thu 17-Oct-13 09:00:09

I didn't read your AIBU thread, but agree you're likely to get better advice in this section.

Firstly congrats on your pregnancy cake

Do you want to stay with your DP? Does he have any redeeming features such as a job, caring attitude, love? From your post he seems immature, petty and a bit spiteful... not to mention controlling.

Why on God's green earth does he not want you to go to baby groups??? I would have lost all my sanity when my kids were young if I hadn't have been able to go to baby groups and have a cuppa with other mums.

Going out at the weekends as a family is a great idea, but during the week you'll need other social contact and not all of that needs to be with him.

If he thinks he can learn it all from baby books then make sure he actually reads some. I think you going to ante-natal classes is a good idea, maybe when the time comes he'll want to go too.

I'm not sure what else to say, but it does sound fairly complex and not in a good way.

Whereabouts are you? Some council areas have groups for expectant mums, especially younger mums. I'm in Belfast, NI, and I know that we have things like that here.

RandomMess Thu 17-Oct-13 09:01:34

Blimey he sounds even worse now op sad

RandomMess Thu 17-Oct-13 09:04:08

How are you going to afford food when on ML by this system? Who is he expecting to pay for all the clothes & nappies your ds needs?

He sounds a bit controlling - he can spend money how he wants but you can't and he doesn't want you going to baby groups and he isn't keen on your family... will he start disapproving of you seeing them?

Stripyjojocat Thu 17-Oct-13 09:04:32

He's sacrificed his nights out, football away games etc and says that when he buys himself things like that they're treats as he never does anything like that anymore.

I do want to stay with him, I love him and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I just want us to sort it all out because it's going to break us apart otherwise. My parents split up when I was younger and I want my baby to grow up with two parents, not one, like I did.

I just feel so down today. The hardest decision I ever made was to keep my baby and now I'm not sure if he'd be better off with a family who don't have problems sad

RandomMess Thu 17-Oct-13 09:06:35

Perhaps ask to discuss joint finances and individual "spends" that you are each free to spend on clothes/treats/nights out as you please without comment from each other?

NeedlesCuties Thu 17-Oct-13 09:06:54

All families have problems. It isn't problems that are always the problem, but how they are worked out. Hope that makes sense confused

If you two can sit down now and talk about it and work out a plan for the rest of the pregnancy and for when baby comes then you'll feel much happier.

Stripyjojocat Thu 17-Oct-13 09:07:55

I'm going to sit down with him this evening and we're going to have a proper chat about it all I think

RandomMess Thu 17-Oct-13 09:12:59

Sounds like the best plan.

You can just say something like "It doesn't seem to be working because last month I needed to help with x y z - lets look at it overall"

A seperate account each with dd into a joint one would work very well so long as he doesn't spend money out of it!! Basically rent, council tax, utility bills, car insurance, MOT, childcare, food comes out of it. Leave his credit card and car debt in his name out of his account and money left for spends. In yours leave the equivalent for spends and transfer the rest to the joint? How will you have spends when on ML?

Squitten Thu 17-Oct-13 09:21:09

Who made him the boss of you? Who the hell is he to tell you whether or not you can go to baby groups or birth prep?! He can spend whatever he likes but you're not allowed clothing?! He sounds downright nasty.

Tell him to sort his attitude out or get the hell out. You need to set your child a better example than this idiot.

whatdoesittake48 Thu 17-Oct-13 09:23:59

Watch carefully that you don't start to become too isolated. I am worried that your partner is cutting you off from a support network (complaining about your family, not wanting you to meet other Mums).

Please do not allow this. Do whatever you can (even if it causes arguments) to show him that you will not be controlled in this way. It is normal to see friends and to develop relationships with other Mums. And i think it is essential in your case as a new and very young mother. You need it more than anyone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 17-Oct-13 09:27:24

I agree with Squitten. I'm sure you do love this guy but you really have to stop being so submissive. If he won't go to an ante-natal group, go by yourself. If you need something to wear, don't ask his permission. If you need to make friends in the new area or hang out with your family, just get on and do it rather than constantly asking for his OK. I hear what you're saying about not wanting your baby to grow up with one parent but currently your baby is in danger of growing up with a bossy father and a mother too frightened to say boo in case Mr Wonderful takes offence .... and that's not healthy. Stand up for yourself and he might show you some respect. If the relationship fails because you stand up for yourself, at least you'll have your self-respect.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 17-Oct-13 09:33:35

BTW... your thread is entitled 'money issues'. If you don't know where the money goes then you need full disclosure. All accounts, statements, credit cards, loans. I'd even go so far as to get credit checks run so that you have to full story in black and white. It is VITAL that you as a soon-to-be mother, when your earning potential is going to take a knock temporarily, are not reliant on any man's say-so when it comes to money. Get fully informed rather than simply being fobbed off. No-one goes overdrawn just by buying a PS3 game or two.

FrauMoose Thu 17-Oct-13 09:35:05

I'd say the first responsibility is towards your - not yet born - baby. Not your partner. Ideally I'd say babies need the involvement of wider family and friends - new ones/other new Mums - if old mates aren't around. They'll also do better if their primary carer isn't worried, stressed and on edge, treading on eggshells so as not to offend a partner etc.

Can you and your partner make it work? If your ideas about babies and what they need turn out very very different, might you do better moving back to be with people you know? That way the baby's father could come and see the child, but the tension that comes from your different attitudes might be reduced.

Good luck!

IsItMeOr Thu 17-Oct-13 09:47:26

Congratulations!

You've already had good advice about the money side and controlling behaviour.

I would encourage you to sign up for the NHS antenatal classes and go along by yourself if needs be. Great if DP wants to read books - the class will probably recommend some.

It can be very isolating being at home with a baby every day, so you definitely need things to help you get out/see other adults while your DP is out at work - I'm assuming he works?

OneLittleToddleTerror Thu 17-Oct-13 11:24:58

I would also encourage you to go to the NHS antenatal classes even if he doesn't want to. It's important for you to learn about birth as much as possible. Maybe talk to your midwife if there are classes especially for single mothers if you feel uncomfortable going to a couple's one on your own?

Don't let him isolate you from your family. In the best case scenario, lets say you and your DP got through this as a couple. Would you want your child grow up with a relationship with your parents? How about if you are ill, do you want your parents to come and help out with childcare? Or how about a second child? A supportive family is so much more important when you have children than when you are childfree and carefree.

OneLittleToddleTerror Thu 17-Oct-13 11:26:45

I can see money becomes a tricky issue for your relationship too. The 'my money' and 'his money' doesn't work so well when you are on maternity, part time, or become a SAHM. It has to be family money and you both have some spending allowance.

"I do want to stay with him, I love him and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I just want us to sort it all out because it's going to break us apart otherwise."

Why do you love him? Because you have to as you got pregnant and moved 40 miles? This is not a reason. Reasons to love a person is related to how they treat you. And he is not treating you well.

He is begrudging you spending money you need, while he can buy expensive games. He is trying to control and isolate you. He wont let you build a support network for yourself. He expects you to be alone in the week while he works (or does he work? Or shall you only be with him) He does not like your family. He wants you to "tell them off" and create a bad situation with them.

Honey, in the most caring kind of way. Dont think about being with anyone right now, think about how you can be on your own. It is much much worse for a child to grow up with a controlling spendthrift of a dad who makes mum unhappy, then to grow up with a happy and confident independent mum.

If I were you, I would leave now before your baby is born. It will be a lot more difficult later.

I am more than twice your age, and seen a fair bit of shit. Your posts, all of them are full of red flags and warning bells.

My best advice to you is to TALK to your family about how he behaves, and LISTEN to their advice. Be open and honest. Tell them he wont let you buy clothes for yourself. He is buying expensive non essential items like games. He does not allow you to go to ante natal classes and seek out baby groups.

Dont stay with a controlling and unpleasant, manipulative and selfish man, just because your parents split. Maybe some couples are not meant to be together and raise children. Talk to your mum.

OneLittleToddleTerror Thu 17-Oct-13 11:37:28

Well I don't want to say it bluntly that it's all red flags to me too. I think the most important thing for the time being is not let him isolate you from your family. You'll want them around whether your relationship worked out or not.

projectbabyweight Thu 17-Oct-13 14:00:32

Hope you're alright OP thanks

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear but I fully agree with Quintessential
There are so many red flags here.
He sounds like an abuser already and they only get worse.
Isolating you. Not liking your family. Not wanting you to make friends. Not wanting you to have clothes that you need. He can have treats but you can't have essentials.
This is not going to end well so best to put an end to it right now.
Go back the 40 miles and get some support from your family.
You will need them. This 'man' will not emotionally support you. He will keep knocking your confidence and isolating you so much that you will have no self esteem and nowhere to turn.
You have somewhere to turn now so make sure you do.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now