Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

BF picking DD up from school.

(44 Posts)
TheSirenCalledToMe Wed 16-Oct-13 22:40:35

Firstly, I'm new here so Hi smile

My daughter is 4 and just started school. My boyfriend and I haven't been together long, 3 months or so but we knew each other for a long time before we got together, we were childhood friends. Anyway, after DD's dad left me we reconnected and DD got to know him as mummys friend when we went to parties and stuff (we have a lot of friends in common). I have applied for a new job and the hours mean I may or may not be able to drop DD or pick her up from school sometimes. My mum has offered and it would be lovely if she could but she is on the other side of town so will cost her in fuel. BF has offered to help out by picking her up if the after school club doesn't run later than my work hours. What I'm wondering is, is it too soon for him to feel responsible like this? I would never have asked him but as he's offered and he doesn't have to travel far as we live a stones throw from each other. There is still the issue that sometimes he will be in work but my mum said she wouldn't mind anyway. (DD'sDad will NOT do it and frankly I don't want him to but that's a whole other thread)

what do people here think? Too soon or..?

Thanks smile

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Wed 16-Oct-13 22:57:13

The main thing I would be concerned about is the relationship is young and you can't really assume that it's permanent. If he doors the school run and then it doesn't work out, how much will the change in routine upset your dd? How much will the school run mean getting involved with school culture (other mums, holidays, talking to school staff etc)?
If I was your, I'd feel it's a bit early.

Lweji Wed 16-Oct-13 23:06:58

I was going to agree that it is too soon, but upon reflection it might not be so different from having a child minder and then changing after a few months.
I'd be more worried about how he takes it and if he won't use it against you at some point.

So, maybe start by maybe a day a week and slowly see how things go?

TheSirenCalledToMe Wed 16-Oct-13 23:20:19

Thanks for your replies smile

To be honest, when it comes to school culture, I'm not sure what you mean lol!

How who takes it Lweji? You mean her father? He'd hate it but I have asked him if he wanted to do the odd school run when I've had interviews etc and he's refused. Weekends are when he's a father and that's that. School isn't his problem. He won't even do homework with her and says the school run is a waste of fuel.

It's likely my mum will do them, she's very close to DD but she works 2 jobs herself so there's going to be the time where she can't do it and I'm stuck.

Lweji Wed 16-Oct-13 23:24:48

I meant your boyfriend.
If it becomes his responsibility he could resent it at some point, or expect something in return, even though he offered.
If you do take up his offer, look out for any signs of twattishness.

But why not use him, as you'd ask a friend or relative for when your mum can't?

TheSirenCalledToMe Wed 16-Oct-13 23:38:01

Oh yes. I don't know if he's capable of resentment. Even as a kid he was a sweet little gem who'd do anything for anyone. (I used to fancy the pants off him! Lol). He's very good with her when he's here and has sat with her for 20 minutes when I've gone to the shop for dinner and took her to football (only while I ran home to get a few things). I never ask because I know what people are like. "been together 5 minutes and he's already playing daddy" but it's not the case. They just get along smile

humphryscorner Wed 16-Oct-13 23:47:29

For me it would be too soon, but each to their own.

ThatsNotMyLifeItsTooCrappy Wed 16-Oct-13 23:51:55

You know him better than we do. But why didn't he go to the shop and you stay with your DD?

TheSirenCalledToMe Wed 16-Oct-13 23:54:35

'Cause I knew what I wanted... I trust him. I know his past given I was there for a lot of it and I know him well. Leaving her with him for 10-20 minutes never seemed like a problem. Until you said that lol.

Thanks for replies anyway. I haven't even got the job yet so premature anyway. Probably jinxed myself now!

morethanpotatoprints Wed 16-Oct-13 23:57:43

OP, I agree with those that have said too soon, but also once again because of the school culture.

TheSirenCalledToMe Wed 16-Oct-13 23:58:15

Can someone explain school culture reference?

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 17-Oct-13 06:45:30

Some parents get very involved in what we're calling school culture. Becoming close friends with other parents in particular, organising play dates with children your dd makes friends with, perhaps talking to teachers. Would he start going to parents meetings with you or responding to letters sent home about school matters? Would this mean he is entitled to an opinion about such things as if he is an equal parent? This means he wouldn't just be giving her a list but would be fully inserted into an important element of both your lives and would have the responsibility which goes with it. It's worth thinking about whether you're comfortable with that at this stage. I would want to define some very clear boundaries and ensure that I also do the school run plenty too so that I don't end up actually left it of these things.

Jaynebxl Thu 17-Oct-13 07:29:40

Blimey! I can't see how sometimes doing the pick up could possibly lead to the stuff Guy is talking about. I have various friends who pick my kids up sometimes for me with no detrimental effect. I'd go for it and if by any chance this relationship doesn't work out then you can cross that bridge when you come to it. I'd have no qualms about leaving her briefly with someone I'd known so long either. The only thing I would be looking out for is signs that he was getting fed up of helping out with her, but then that would probably make me question the relationship anyway.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 17-Oct-13 07:33:38

Christ I'm not saying it WOULD lead to that, but they are questions worth thinking about aren't they?

BooHissy Thu 17-Oct-13 07:39:46

Please take responsibility for YOUR child.

Get a childminder. Leave your relationship to found itself, be a couple, not a jigsaw family.

Don't do this, not now, way too soon. Wrong message to your daughter and to the world in general.

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 07:56:37

I've been with my BF for 16 months. We don't live together. He works shifts and due to losing my lovely CM to maternity leave, he has offered to do this for me. There is no hidden agenda - he simply wants to help. I have declined his kind offer despite the fact it would make my life easier.

IMO no one should have access to my children or the ability to spend significant time with them unless they are (a) proven to be trustworthy and (b) very likely to be a significant feature of our lives for a long time to come.

For me, it's different from friends because friendships may wax and wane but if they're good-enough friendships to go down on the emergency contact/approved collection list they're going to be around long term even if your lives diverge a little. With a BF if the relationship comes to an end, that's normally when their involvement in your life (and that of your DC) ceases.

I trust my BF. That's not the issue. But access to my children is not something I'd entertain unless we were formally living together and committed to each other.

HairyGrotter Thu 17-Oct-13 07:56:48

Christ, do we all want our children raised in fear and horror of normal everyday things?

He is a family friend, I have my friends collect DD, along with sharp intake of breath followed by damning music my fiancé who isn't her biological dad shock...

Kids are pretty resilient and don't 'think' as deeply as we do, unless we force them to. If both are comfy, crack on. Also, school culture? Dafuq? I've not spoke to anyone other than the teacher at DD's school, fuck the culture, it's school, for them, the kids...

Man alive

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 17-Oct-13 08:00:19

Fairly polarised views then. Hope we've helped OP! grin

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 17-Oct-13 08:01:58

And hairy, it's not about him not being her biological dad and no one has even suggested it is! But there is a difference between a relationship with a fiancé who is clearly a permanent fixture and a very new relationship!

HairyGrotter Thu 17-Oct-13 08:12:59

OP has known this guy since childhood...I think it's fair to say she knows him more than, say, a bloke she met and just started dating 12 weeks ago.

Jaynebxl Thu 17-Oct-13 08:16:48

Fairly polarised views then. Hope we've helped OP!

This ^ grin

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 17-Oct-13 08:17:09

Doesn't make their relationship at the same stage as yours though.

Hellokitten Thu 17-Oct-13 08:45:26

I've only been with my boyfriend of a few weeks but have known him for 12 years. We were friends in high school. I let him take my son off for an adventure while I went shopping for his birthday present a couple of weeks ago. And myself and the kids just started staying over with him at his flat. I'd have no issues letting him do the school run sometimes. Probably not all the time, but maybe once or twice a week? Just so I didn't feel like I was taking advantage of him.
I'm pretty sure that if we broke up we would remain friends so I don't mind the closeness, as my kids are close to all my friends.

Vivacia Thu 17-Oct-13 09:02:01

I second boohissy's advice. Keep him as a boyfriend before you take him on as a father to your child.

I don't think I'd let him be such a big part of my daughter's life at only 3 months. More somebody to meet in the park for an ice cream than someone to sit on the sofa with.

Vivacia Thu 17-Oct-13 09:02:59

Also, a childcare arrangement will put pressures on the relationship and make it harder to disentangle yourselves should either want to.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now