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what do u make of this text exchange?

(83 Posts)
rarerabbitt Wed 16-Oct-13 11:09:03

basically i accidentally stumbled on a text conversation when dps phone rang and it rang off back to the text page

a lot of texts from a womans name ive never heard of lets call her A

DP - what happened with u and x(male collegue)
A - nothing he just got cuddles like you smile
DP - well i think more happened with X
A- maybe ill propose u can be a bridesmaid
DP - great ill send u my dress size

a couple of days later

is B (another female name ) helping this week?
A - hope not shes useless theres a few people thatd like to slap her
DP you would definatly win in a fight when are you back? your much better looking
A not sure
dp - i need the eye candy

next day

DP any more news on u and X?
A no
DP does that mean im in with a chance?
A - no im staying away from boys
DP im going to jump of the nearest bridge then

later that evening when he was out at the pub

a pic of him and a male collegue
A - i miss my pals
DP we miss u too

what do you make of this i havent said anything yet but hes never mentioned this woman to me so i find it al a bit odd and upsetting i dont want him to think im snooping.

been together 9 years 2 dc and i thought we were happy enough sad

Twinklestein Wed 16-Oct-13 12:23:54

And why be so intrested in what's happening or happened with her and this other bloke?

Well quite, he's clearly jealous and it's difficult to know from the texts whether that's based on any physical contact...

Mapleissweet Wed 16-Oct-13 12:50:16

This girl sounds like the office tease. Encouraging and enjoying the attention.
Your dp is treating you with such disrespect. He needs reminding how lucky he is to have a lovely dp and children. He is taking you for granted. Having sex with you and then bantering all day with a colleague is very poor form.
Advice, let him dig a hole before you confront him. Focus on yourself and treat yourself well.

LaRegina Wed 16-Oct-13 12:54:34

This girl sounds like the office tease.

That's a role I've never seen advertised. Does it pay well? grin

Dahlen Wed 16-Oct-13 13:00:14

I'd be livid. Banter is one thing. This is a man quite persistently pursuing a woman. I'm not sure she's the office tease. I'd say her answers show her trying to deflect him without coming straight out and telling him to leave her alone. She could have left his texts unanswered I suppose, but I wonder if he's in a position whether he either has authority over her or can make her life difficult. He is the one who keeps steering the conversation back to flirting.

EachDay Wed 16-Oct-13 13:04:42

I think if this was spoken banter, in the office in front of other people it wold be harmless and fun. I agree, she's not interested, but she's enjoying the attention.

The fact that they're going to the "trouble" of texting when they're apart means at the very least she's on his mind far too much. How often does he text you during the day?

It is notable that he started all the exchanges?

EachDay Wed 16-Oct-13 13:08:38

Ooh, actually he sent the first and last text in each exchange - which makes him a bit a bit sad and needy, he obviously would have liked each exchange to go on longer.

Vivacia Wed 16-Oct-13 13:10:24

I'd LTB for the text speak alone.

I don't think he's cheating. I don't think he intends cheating. However the flirting is embarrassingly adolescent and disrespectful to you.

moldingsunbeams Wed 16-Oct-13 13:19:55

I don't think he is cheating.

Myself and a very gay male friend banter in a similar but not quite so adolescent way. There is definately not anything going on with us.

I am single but I can imagine if I wasn't some of our conversations might become an issue.

noseymcposey Wed 16-Oct-13 13:25:35

I think if you confront and explain just how you feel it might hopefully be the cold hard shock of getting caught out that doesn't happen to some blokes until too late. If I was you, I would treat it much the same as if he had actually been up to something - in terms of telling how upset you are.

Good luck OP, hopefully this will be a warning and he can look at any issues he might have and have a word with himself before things have gone too far.

flippingebay Wed 16-Oct-13 13:41:37

It sounds like he's being the flirty one and she's trying to keep it level
Nip it in the bud now - to me it's boarder ing on unacceptable

ElizabethBathory Wed 16-Oct-13 13:48:04

"he just got cuddles like you"
"I need the eye candy"
"does that mean I'm in with a chance"

Even if nothing's happened (and it sounds like at least "cuddles" have hmm) I would be very, very angry with him if he were my DH, and extremely doubtful about whether I could trust him. Acceptable flirting (to me) is much, much lighter than that and can be done in front of one's partner!

And "I need the eye candy"? What a twat.

Noteveryday Wed 16-Oct-13 13:49:32

I used to message my male friends like this, we all did. When I was in 6th form.

Just reading the cuddles bit made me feel horribly embarrassed for all of you I'm afraid. If my H did this I would have no respect for him whatsoever.

She is probably about 22 and would be horrified to see him in his pants scratching his arse watching football.

VoodooHexDoll Wed 16-Oct-13 14:05:36

Sounds like he would cheat on you if he had the chance. I would not build a future with this man as I would want 100% trust and loyalty. It would make me think hes not that in to me if he is chasing other women and I desever better.

Sorry

I would tell him what I found and how I felt and ask him to move out so I could find someone better personally. Life is to short to waste it on someone that is not comminted to me.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 16-Oct-13 14:07:40

No sorry, having been cheated on and remembering back to how dp headed down that 'slippery slope' (texting, 'chatting') this would ring alarm bells.

If it's harmless banter then why doesn't the dp in question show the OP the texts, laugh about them with her?

Harmless banter is one thing, this is different.

Sorry OP, I'd be taking screenshots of everything you've found and I'd be having firm words!

holstenlips Wed 16-Oct-13 17:24:59

How do you feel about the messages op?

eggyhead Wed 16-Oct-13 17:42:52

Blimey, that could be my boss!

I am happily married and not in the slightest bit interested in him. We do have a great relationship but I have got really annoyed and told him to fug off a few of times. Within no time he has forgotten and is flirting again.

To be honest, it really gets on my nerves. I used to laugh it off now I just blank him when he starts being a pest.

No alcohol for me at company dos... sad

Takingbackmonday Wed 16-Oct-13 17:48:54

I have "inappropriate" banter with a work colleague/friend but I've never hidden it from DP and I made sure they met early on so no secrets, saw dynamics of our friendship etc.

Could be harmless, unless he hides it or panics

rarerabitt Wed 16-Oct-13 19:37:29

I feel it's disrespectful but don't know when the lines blur into cheating I don't think this is cheating but to me for him to even be thinking of another woman sexily is wrong but actually telling her is even worse is

actively wanting to cheat as bad as actually doing it though that's what u can't figure out ?

eggyhead Wed 16-Oct-13 20:07:51

Yes, it is wrong and given the chance my boss would go for it I think. He has never been given a green light though!

I've told him DH knows my email and phone passwords (which he does) but it doesn't make any difference.

In my case, I put it down to mid-life crisis. Much as I like him (and I really do), I would be kicking him into touch if he was my DH.

This is the other side of the exchange. The other person isn't always reciprocating...

holstenlips Wed 16-Oct-13 20:10:41

Trust your gut instincts. And also if you confront him you will get a lot of info from his immediate reaction.
Do you feel you can talk to him about it?

Leavenheath Wed 16-Oct-13 20:12:55

Look, it sounds like your partner would be like a rat up a drainpipe if this colleague gave him the nod. He's the one doing the pursuing and flirting and she's either uncomfortable and doesn't know how to handle it or she's enjoying the attention. Frankly, if some attached bloke had been texting me this drivel when I was old enough to go to work (in those days they just said the words or wrote crappy notes) I'd have told him where to get off (and did) but she might not be that assertive.

Forget all this angsty stuff about it not being cheating (yet). You can prove he's being blatantly disrespectful to you and your relationship. You've already said he'd hit the roof if you did this with another bloke, so if he comes out with any crap about this being 'banter', reverse it.

As ever though, it really doesn't matter whether he lies says he wouldn't mind you acting like this. You mind, don't you?

OhBabyLilyMunster Wed 16-Oct-13 20:23:44

It looks like he would be all over her if he got chance. My dh would be kicked into next fucking week for such a pathetic, disrespectful and embarrassing exchange.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Wed 16-Oct-13 20:29:41

Id be furious.

And id be even more furious if my partner tried to fob me off by using the word "banter" which im pretty sure your partner will, that word infuriates me especially when used as an excuse for inappropriate behaviour.

Id confront him.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 16-Oct-13 20:44:34

It's totally disrespectful, asking if he's 'in with a chance' 'I need the eye candy', ' I'm going to jump of the nearest bridge' ffs! Tell him to grow up!

Seriously OP, get yourself Just 'good friends' by Shirley Glass and read it together with your dp. Sounds like he needs a reality check!

ALittleStranger Wed 16-Oct-13 20:49:53

I'm a little bit agog at people who think this is normal banter. I've "bantered" like this with colleagues before. But only when a shag was in the offing.

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