Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What is wrong with me, and how would you deal with this?(8 Posts)
Ok, so a bit of background first. Mum was an abusive narcissist who has enjoyed making much of my earlier life a misery. I went NC with her in May this year.
Also, i was with an abusive, alcoholic who used to threaten/ hurt me when had too many drinks. I left him 10 years ago and am now married to a much nicer man. My husband is a kind-hearted man, but can also be inattentive/ absorbed in his own world at times. We do argue sometimes, although not really over the last year.
I tend to get on well with others, but have always found it almost impossible to have friendships. I know i have issues with insecurity/ anxiety/ trust/ overdependence on others etc, and have had seen two different counsellors over the years, which seemed to help with some of the above.
Anyway, i feel devastated by anything which i perceive as a disappointment/ when people inevitably show that they are not perfect etc. often that is some minor error by my husband, which leads to me becoming very angry, screaming and ranting.
Latest thing that i have overreacted to involves my MIL. We get along great and i love her, we have just got back from a weeks break, just the two of us, which was amazing and we often meet up socially. While on holiday, she quizzed me on my feelings about another relative, with whom my husband and i had a big quarrel 4 years ago. The quarrel got out of hand very quickly, through other people interferring, including MIL. She seemed to use the whole thing as a platform for her to barrage this other relative with her own resentments from years ago (not like MIL at all!)
Anyway, since then, everyone else has been getting along really well, and beyond the initial disagreement, i have never had any bad feeling for this person and told MIL that. Since then MIL ha also quizzed my husband about his own and my feelings about this person and seems desperate for us to make amends (tho we get along ok, but just never really have much to say and hardly see each other anyway).
Since then, i have spent most of two days in tears and feel extremely hurt. I feel that MIL does not know me at all if she thinks i could hold a grudge all this time, and also she clearly didnt believe me as she asked my husband about our feelings, after i had already told her. Also, feel like it is always my husband and i that are expected to 'fix' things, even if others have been in the wrong. My mum used to do this and we would have to completely tow the line, incase we should upset my mum, even tho it was her that spent her life bullying myself, dad, siblings, and anyone else that didnt play by her rules. Obviously, not the same with MIL but this silly quarrel four years previous, was actually started by the other person, we then said we were unhappy with how we had been treated, then MIL made it much worse, by turning against other person. Nobody has actually had a row this time, but i feel upset and let down again. Part of me feels i should distance myself from MIL as i am hurt by her pushing us/ not hearing what we say, but she is a good person and i enjoy her company.
What is wrong with me? I know i shouldn't have spent two days in tears over this? What can i do to sort this, and stop being so insecure/ oversensitive with everyone i love? Am i really so broken from abuse before that i can never be 'normal'?
I don't know but you are dwelling on this when your MiL probably hasn't given it a second thought. She is just I suppose, poking her nose in to try and keep everyone happy. And she wants someone to blame for the rut in the family
Go dry those tears and remember that people say things and then walk away all the time, not knowing how much they have affected the other person just to prove a point.
You sound a prime candidate for counselling and CBT. The way you are behaving, especially to your OH, is definitely not normal. Speak to your GP.
Self esteem work, every day. X. You'll be right x
OP, your post really struck a chord with me. I have massive insecurities (yes, really, despite all the jokey confident posts on other threads) that seem to stem from when I was a child and the family dynamics around me. Sadly there was a lot of fear.
I agree that counselling and CBT is a huge help.
And you know what, MN itself has been a huge help, too. Some of the advice on here is superb.
First of all my instant thought is that your MIL didn't mean anything by it. She was asking you what you thought, as others said probably as a means to find out whether things could be sorted out. When she asked your OH this wasn't because she didn't believe you but purely because she was asking your OH what he thought. That's all.
I think your thinking so hard and reading too much into it, is blowing it out of proportion and the dwelling on it, making it so much worse and bigger than it really is. There are obviously bigger issues here, but your mind has focussed on this as an explanation for how you're feeling and bypassing the bigger issues. If that makes sense? As the others have said, definitely re-visit your counselling and CBT.
Thank you for all your replies. I definately think that I need to go back to some of my CBT work from a while ago. I guess It has brought up a lot of stuff from my mum which i thought I had dealt with.
I did a lot of work earlier in the year in regards to self esteem/ anger problems with my husband which helped a lot but is still clearly a work in progress.
Molly, I think life itself is a work in progress. Getting out of those ruts in the way we live it is a challenge, but gives such freedom when we manage even a small step.
Join the discussion
Please login first.