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41 weeks pregnant and Mother in Law and her partner accusing me of not helping round the house

(77 Posts)
jacinta1 Tue 15-Oct-13 15:56:42

Not technically my Mother in Law but her son is my long term partner and we are getting married next year. His Mum has always liked me and told other people she loves me. She asked me to live with her leading up to the birth of my son as she felt I could do with the support after he was born. To be honest I didn't want to. I wanted to be in my own place especially after baby is born so that I could settle into being a Mum without an audience but my partner persuaded me to move in. I have been here for 3 days and I am 41+2 days pregnant and being induced Saturday.
I have had a very busy pregnancy and only this weekend finished all the chores I needed to do. I am a student and had a placement and essays until I was 40 weeks pregnant and after that I have had paperwork for my new house I'll be moving into from my flat.
However today I am really upset. While making a cuppa I saw a message flash up on my MIL's partner's phone saying 'she needs to learn to do more than shower and eat food all day. It's not a pretty sight'.
I was so upset I left my cuppa and just went to my room. I have been taking a shower in the morning and one in the evening in these last few days of pregnancy, mainly as I just feel dirty and stressed. I never thought it was a problem :-( I am not overweight and don't over eat. In fact because I didn't want to help myself to food I wasn't eating much and his Mother kept telling me I must help myself and so since Sunday I have been getting my own food out the fridge.
I have offered to help wash up but they said it's okay and I do keep our bedroom tidy and clean and always clean up after myself. I am more than happy to help with anything round the house. I admit that since getting here I have just sat watching tv and doing admin but this is not the way I am usually. I am just so tired and uncomfortable with being overdue.
I haven't told my partner about the txt, he would be too hurt and might cause a fuss. There's no point bringing it up as best scenario it would cause awkwardness. I have managed to make an excuse for why I need to stay at my flat for a few days. Anyone any advice on how to not be miserable when I return (I'll have baby by then). Right now I'm in my room and I'm hungry today because I don't even feel I can make any food. Partner isnt back until tmrw morning. I feel so hurt and misjudged.
Any excuses for having to be back at my flat once baby is born? My parents are coming to get me two weeks after the birth anyway so I can shower, eat and be a Mum without judgement once there. Can't wait!

HumphreyCobbler Tue 15-Oct-13 15:59:10

Just tell them the truth. How dare they be mean about you? You want to go to your own house, this is your decision to make.

How horrible of them.

PeepingTomcat Tue 15-Oct-13 16:01:54

Tell them you are not happy, you are moving back to the flat. Tell them it is not up for discussion. You need to put the health and happiness of you and your baby before anyone else. smile

Ragwort Tue 15-Oct-13 16:02:20

How old are you? Just go back to your own home immediately and you don't have to return to their home at all.

If you need to say anything just say 'I am more comfortable in my own home in my own surroundings; thank you for having me'.

ThePuffyShirt Tue 15-Oct-13 16:06:35

Unless they are keeping you prisoner, I would suggest you go back to your own place.

Sparklysilversequins Tue 15-Oct-13 16:06:56

Twats! I would leave at once.

They sound very negative and as though they just want things to be stressful. believe it or not some people actually like this kind of drama. joining forces to bitch, makes them feel alive. My parents would be like this. Hence I would never live with them again.

Pack up and go home. Say "thank you so much for having me, it was lovely, but I've realised I need to be in my own home". Refuse to be drawn on anything else - smile, nod, and repeat "no this is best for me". And leave.

I know you don't want to upset your dp, but if he shows any signs of blaming you for upsetting his mum by leaving, tell him about the text. He is on your team.

If she is like this now, she isn't going to be any kind of support when the baby is born. Get out now! And you don't have to go back after the baby is born. Just say no (or "how kind! but no, I won't thanks").

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Tue 15-Oct-13 16:08:19

They are obviously being very mean spirited and two-faced.
Why don't you tell them you saw the text, then leave!
They deserve to be thoroughly embarrassed by their terrible behaviour.
Think they need to do some serious grovelling to you.

Sparklysilversequins Tue 15-Oct-13 16:09:06

I would most certainly tell them I saw the text as well.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 15-Oct-13 16:09:39

Agree with Ragwort.it will be even more stressful when baby is here. I have a great relationship with my mum but when I was in hospital with DS1 she persuaded my DP it would be great idea for us to move in with her for a few weeks after the birth. She didn't discuss it with me as she knew I would say no. I get on great with her but this was too much I left after 4 days. You need your own space at this time, if they want to help get them to come to you and bring lunch etc, help with washing that sort of thing. That's what I did and it made for a much more happy time.

RegTheMonkey Tue 15-Oct-13 16:10:19

Just say you've got one or two more things to sort out before you are induced and you'd like to get them out of the way, so you'll be popping back to the flat. 'Thanks so much for having me' and off you go. No need to over-explain or anything. You are an adult and you can leave any time you like. You don't need this stress right now. Take care of YOU.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 15-Oct-13 16:11:04

The only excuse you need to be in your own house is that it's what you want.

I don't suppose there's any chance at all that the message was about someone else/a misunderstanding? Are you sure it was from MIL? (What was her partner's phone doing left around where you couldn't fail to see it anyway?)

And for goodness' sake eat. You need your strength to give birth and then look after the baby. Never mind nasty underhand digs. They invited you there, MIL told you to eat, and never expected you to find out she grumbled about it. So take her at face value!

I am reminded at this point of my late FIL, who pressed me very strongly to dine at theirs. I politely declined as I said my dad had made dinner for us and expected me there. FIL was quite insistent, but I extricated myself as nicely as I could and went home to eat. Later, then-fiancé told me his dad had been going on about how much I was costing them for what I ate and drank in their house. He had been trying to make some kind of point. Evil old bugger, the FIL. No wonder XH turned out a bit odd.

ZippityDoodahday Tue 15-Oct-13 16:11:48

Oh dear. They sound like a pair of twats. You don't need this right now. Your MIL sounds more controlling than helpful. Her partner also sounds delightful. It seems more as if they want to watch you & judge you & your parenting. Do yourself a favour & get out now. You & dp & dc will be your own little family. Live your own lives in your own flat. If MIL wants to help she could pop over every so often when baby is born. Don't let her interfere like this, put your foot down or she & her partner will for ever have their claws into you & dp's private life & will only continue to judge you.

SquidgyMummy Tue 15-Oct-13 16:14:38

poor you, that was so mean of your ILs. I agree, just go home and don't way anything, it is not worth causing a scene. Say you have changed your mind about coming back after the baby as you do not want too much disruption.
Could your parents come and get you earlier?

Good luck with the induction on Saturday!

Sleeptimenow Tue 15-Oct-13 16:15:21

especially when heavily pregnant and once the baby's born you need to feel comfortable. if you're not relaxed there it won't be the right place to bring a baby home to as you won't feel able to just concentrate on getting to know your baby. You just need to tell her politely that living with her is just not right for you at the moment, you could blame hormones and say you feel like you need to nest at home if you feel you need an excuse?
If once the baby is here you do want the support she can always come to you, on your terms.

As much as I like my MIL living with her when I feel rubbish and uncomfortable would end our friendly relationship. I'm 38 weeks and being able to relax in my own home is lovely.

jacinta1 Tue 15-Oct-13 16:15:21

At the moment I rely on my partner to drive me back to my flat as his Mum lives in the country and I don't drive so I'm stuck here until tomorrow morning when he will take me back. When baby is born I feel bad as my partner doesn't live with me (it's over an hour from his work) and so I feel a little like I'm taking his baby away from him if I stay put. He has always been pushy about me staying with him at his Mums since he moved out of his own home and I'm thinking if I confided in him what I know he might finally stop pushing for us to live in the house. I get my own home soon anyway and I have made a resolution to stick to my guns and stay there. At the moment everyone says my flat isn't nice enough or big and thats why I need to stay at his Mum's but they can't say that about my house. I shall go back once baby is born for a few days as partner has paternity leave but I want to leave once he goes back to work. Do you think I am right to be hurt? Are they being nasty? Do you think it's just best to say I want to have my own space?

absentmindeddooooodles Tue 15-Oct-13 16:21:35

They sound horrid.

Go home. Its your choice. The majoroty of women manage to be at home after they give birth without the need to move into parents or inlaws house. You will be much more comfortable at home. In your own surroundings...you dont need any complications right now.

When I had ds I was living at my "mils" place. It was a suprise pregnancy and her sin and I were not in a positiin to gwt our own placw so we moves in when I was 6 months pg. It was hell. I spent the whole time trying to be polite, do all the housework etc.

The day after I gave birth
...nasty tears etc etc I was told off by her for not cooking dinner for everyone. That I was lazy and trappes her son.

She threw us out with our newborn onto the street 2 1/2 months later.

I know thats an extremw case, but emotions and hirmones can run so high that you really may prefer your own space.

I hope everything foes well for you. Tell your dp youd rather be at home. He should be supporting you right noww.

HellonHeels Tue 15-Oct-13 16:29:56

Go home to your own flat. Can't you get a cab there?

If your partner is on paternity leave he won't need to go to work and therefore can stay at your flat with you after the baby is born.

Do what you want!

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Tue 15-Oct-13 16:30:09

Yes, you are right to be hurt, because they have broken your trust in them.
Personally, I would confide in your DP regarding the text (I also think the 'Pils' need to know but that's another story), because you may be accused of being ungrateful, selfish or off etc., in the future, when none of this is your fault!
I forgot to say, best of luck with your little one, and I am so sorry this has happened to you at such a special time xx.

ZippityDoodahday Tue 15-Oct-13 16:30:29

Yes, you're right to be upset. You're 41 weeks pregnant ffs. Your dp needs to go a pair. You're the primary caregiver to your baby & are at a very vulnerable stage right now. Your baby will be fine in your flat & will not know any different. If they want to see the baby & your dp wants to be around baby, they should come to you, not the other way round. It sounds as though you're being bullied tbh. Stand your ground op.

IAmNotAMindReader Tue 15-Oct-13 16:36:17

Pack up and go home now.

You don't need any reasons or to explain anything, you'd be a million times more comfortable there anyway and that's without the snide texts.

absentmindeddooooodles Tue 15-Oct-13 16:38:39

So sorry about all typos...rubbish phone.

Does.your partner plan to move into the new placce?

reelingintheyears Tue 15-Oct-13 16:40:10

Are you absolutely sure the message was about you?

amber381 Tue 15-Oct-13 16:47:19

You should definitely go back to your own flat. You don't need this kind of hassle at the end of your pregnancy. When your dp is on paternity leave surely it makes more sense for him to stay with you at your flat so you can have time as a family. And could he not just deal with an hour or so commute until you get your house? Loads of people travel that far to work...

TheFabulousIdiot Tue 15-Oct-13 16:57:38

"I have managed to make an excuse for why I need to stay at my flat for a few days. Anyone any advice on how to not be miserable when I return (I'll have baby by then)."

look - I just wouldn't go back.
You don't need to give a reason, you don't need to bring up the text if you don't want to.

You can just say that you realise that you'd rather be in the flat so thank you for the offer but I'll be staying here form now on.

Also - your DP can bloomin well spend his paternity leave with you in your flat.

You need to make these decisions now rather than wait and feel stranded.

Speak to your mum too. She will no doubt persuade you to stay in the flat. Could she come to you any sooner?

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