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Persistent betrayals - I'm such an idiot

(65 Posts)
LadySybilPussPolham Tue 15-Oct-13 01:22:44

Just found out for the umpteenth time that H is having phone/text/email sex with not one but 3 women (that I know of, and no idea if he's having a physical affair). We've been together for 10 years, married for nearly 8 and have 2 DC aged 4 and 6.
I'm so ashamed and angry with myself for not walking away years ago. How have I let it come to this? He'd left his phone unlocked in the kitchen and i walked in and saw he had a fb message from a mini-skirted woman. I knew what I was going to find but was shocked to find 3 message streams going on, all in the same vein. This was while he was looking after DC's, shopping and getting dinner ready - who says men can't multitask!

I made him go upstairs away from the DC and confronted him. I thought I was calm but I completely lost it. I've never felt rage like it in my life - I threw the phone at him and just exploded. My hand was bleeding afterwards from hitting him. I'm not proud of this.
It hit me like a brick in the face yesterday that he's never going to change.
It's happened before we were married, when I was pregnant, at Christmas, on holidays - nothing is sacred. It's like some sort of sick addiction. He's always desperately sorry but somehow it always spins round into some blame on my part for not being the perfect attentive wife.

I'm grieving for my dad, he died a month ago from cancer. I dont know if I can do this too. He says he'll do anything to make it right but I can't let myself believe it any more. I'm sick of having the same conversation. I'm so fucking angry that it has to be me who says No More.
I'm so tired. H is downstairs snoring on blowup bed and I'm up here crying thinking about my stupid choices and what a life I've made for my DC.

I think I just needed to say all of this. I'll need to tell people soon. I'm also panicking about ending it and terrified about the future. I'm totally dependent financially. Bloody hell

Lweji Tue 15-Oct-13 01:27:53

Hugs. sad

Yes, you should leave. You've been seriously violent. Walk away now.
It feels like you are angrier at yourself than at him, because you chose to stay with him. You have not realised that he won't change and this should give you a new peace to do what you must for your sake.
Take care of yourself and take it easy.

It will be ok because it has to be. You can do it.

PerpendicularVince Tue 15-Oct-13 01:34:08

If it was a first offence so to speak i'd suggest counselling, but as your H does this repeatedly i'd end it now. You're miserable, can you imagine living like this for the rest of your life? Never being able to trust him? Financial security isn't worth losing your self respect and integrity.

Did your DH even apologise? The fact that he's sleeping peacefully while you cry says a lot. He should be trying to make it right. Do you have RL support?

My advice would be to ask him for some space to clear your head. You also need to look online at benefit entitlements and speak to the CAB, to work out how you'd manage financially.

You can do this and you will get through it. I'm so angry on your behalf.

Sending you flowers and positive thoughts.

PerpendicularVince Tue 15-Oct-13 01:35:23

And i'm so sorry for the loss of your father x

WallyBantersJunkBox Tue 15-Oct-13 01:35:51

So sorry to hear what you are going through. In the first instance I think he should move out for a bit, to give you some headspace. Is this a possibility?

It sounds like a problem or addiction, that he associates the sexual attention with affection, but it's a problem that he has, not you, and he needs to sort it out. It's a vicious circle I think, because your well placed suspicions might make you reserved emotionally around him, (and who could blame you) and this triggers the feeling that he is justified in seeking attention from others.

But until you feel safe/secure how can you continue this relationship?

Lweji Tue 15-Oct-13 01:36:40

Should have been "You have now realised that he won't change and this should give you a new peace to do what you must for your sake."

LadySybilPussPolham Tue 15-Oct-13 01:43:26

Vicious circle is right.
I've told him I want him to go. He said he wouldn't fight me and that I can stay here with the children. I wonder how generous he'll feel in a few days when he realises what it will cost to run 2 homes. Also, typically, his guilt never lasts very long

joblot Tue 15-Oct-13 06:50:01

Your relationship sounds dreadfully unhealthy- he's sex talking around children and you're violent?

End it. Soon

ScaryFucker Tue 15-Oct-13 07:06:23

He is doing this stuff around the kids who are old enough to be curious about his phone ?

Come on, love. If tolerating this kind of shit was your schtick before surely you have reached your limit now ?

Wellwobbly Tue 15-Oct-13 07:09:32

If it is any consolation I also became violent when discovering my husband's betrayals, both to him and to myself I was so distraught. I am not violent now. Try not to lose that much control again, but it is a phase. I am not minimising it, but I am saying this does not define you. His behaviour does not define you.

Hang in there, keep talking to us, while you work all this horrible stuff out.

Wellwobbly Tue 15-Oct-13 07:10:18

Sorry, left out I was not violent before, and

Icy calm dignity from now on lady

Yes he can leave today
Yes you will stay in the house
Yes he can vanish to a lovely bedsit where he can nudge his sleazy fantasies

Present him with absolute facts
You are worth more than this.
He will not be allowed to worm his way back
This is not how your life will continue

Icy calm dignity

Then come over here and sob and rant and scam and rage...we care about you and will see you though

LadySybilPussPolham Tue 15-Oct-13 07:51:53

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply in the middle of the night. You're all great.I think I'm going to need help staying strong in the face of his minimising, spin and blaming.
I am not a violent person. I hate confrontation and drama usually. I lost it for a few seconds in the heat of the moment and I shocked myself. Now I just can't stop crying.
Getting DC ready for school and preschool now, came down to find them making cards with H - forgot it's my birthday tomorrow

Vivacia Tue 15-Oct-13 08:29:38

I think it's very hard to imagine what you are coping with, but I also think there's a danger of minimising this incident of domestic violence.

LadySybilPussPolham Tue 15-Oct-13 09:19:14

Thanks, helpful hmm

Vivacia Tue 15-Oct-13 09:38:24

I'm just really uncomfortable that we have a poster saying they beat their partner so bad it made their own fingers bleed and it's being described as "a phase" and "it doesn't define you". I think woman-on-male domestic violence is still a taboo, or a joke, and therefore needs challenging.

Vivacia Tue 15-Oct-13 09:39:03

Sorry, treated as a joke.

cakeordeath1963 Tue 15-Oct-13 09:39:59

LadySybil I hope you are ok today, or at least as ok as you can be.....
I'm so sorry for your situation, but I think you have had your 'lightbulb' moment and you know things are never going to improve unless your h is forced how devastating his behaviour is to you, his family and himself!

Please don't be too hard on yourself, you lost control and no wonder with what you have had to cope with!!

holstenlips Tue 15-Oct-13 09:58:28

Ive been through this recently and I dont know how I didnt smack my fiance round the face. Its such a horrible thing to find out, out of the blue.
I think you need to call time. Its over. Hard as it is when youve shared your life with someone. So sorry :-(

holstenlips Tue 15-Oct-13 09:59:51

And I dont think someone who constantly has to look for sexual and emotional propping up can just change.

LadySybilPussPolham Tue 15-Oct-13 10:09:24

Thanks cake.
The fact that he can do this when he's with our children is pretty much the most worrying thing for me right now.

Vivacia I am not minimising anything. Having put up with 10 years of this crap, having just lost my dad, being a HUMAN BEING gives me some justification for losing control for a few moments in the sheer fucking agony of realising it was still happening. I hit him on the chest and cut my thumb, probably on my own fingernail. I did not 'beat' him. Just how far are you going to pursue this? Because its really fucking helping at the moment

LadySybilPussPolham Tue 15-Oct-13 10:11:27

You're right holsten, and thank you.

Vivacia Tue 15-Oct-13 10:19:12

Just how far are you going to pursue this?

I thought it important to say something, for the reasons I've already given about believing domestic violence is wrong and shouldn't be minimised or excused.
I was hoping that my challenge would elicit a sincerely acknowledgement that it was wrong and nothing excuses it. I know that it will raise awareness of the issue and make some people stop and think about domestic violence. For example, when I read your first post, I was so wrapped up in your situation and wanting to support you that I actually missed/minimised/ignored the beating until I read Lweji's reference to it in her reply.

I've accomplished 50% of that and it wouldn't be productive to pursue the principle further. I hope that the thread gives you the support to do the right thing for the safety and happiness of you, your child and your husband.

Longdistance Tue 15-Oct-13 10:27:12

If I'd just lost my dad, and my dh cheated on me, I'd have smacked him in the chops too. Nothing worse than grieving, and then finding out your h is cheating. I'd say it would be the straw that broke the camels back.

There's only so much a person can take, before they flip.

I think you need to tell your h to leave op, and get some bereavement support for yourself.

Go find some happiness, as you're certainly not going to get it from your h.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 10:32:20

I can see how you were pushed to becoming physical. However, this is what this man's behaviour leads you to. That is how frustrated, low, angry and distraught he makes you feel. sad

You just deserve a whole lot better. I hope you've got some good friends to help you through this.

Hugs x

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