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Going out - or not!

(34 Posts)
hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 22:39:50

I've never posted in relationships before so please be gentle with me! H used to be very sociable and we used to go out a lot and had a good circle of friends. However over the years he's grown less and less sociable, to the extent that we see none of these friends now. If we do go out we go out as a couple mostly.

We've been invited to a party by a friend of mine. She's put a lot of effort into it and it will be a lovely evening. I would love to go. H doesn't want to because (a) it's too far aware (30 mins drive max) and (b) they're not his type of people(!).

I can understand that he may not want to go, although I would like us to go as a couple. However, he's not happy for me to go without him either. Is this normal? Would you force the issue and go without him? I can go with another couple so it's no problem for me to get there and back. It probably sounds childish but this is one of my closest friends and I really don't want to miss it.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 13-Oct-13 22:46:49

Yes, I would go. You are 2 separate people, not joined at the hip - it would be nice if he would overcome his 'objections' and accompany you because you're his wife and he wants you to be happy, in the same way as you would probably accompany him to an event even if it didn't really set you on fire - but if he's not prepared to do that then off you trot alone. Unreasonable of him to expect you to miss a party because he's a misery guts he doesn't want to go.

BerstieSpotts Sun 13-Oct-13 22:48:47

You should absolutely go!! Moody old fart. No it's not normal at all for him to be unhappy about you going on your own. Is he normally so controlling?

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 22:48:59

I would go without him - he has the right not to go, just as you have the right to attend. Don't stop socialising and risk isolating yourself from your good friends.

Do you know why your DH is becoming less comfortable going out?

hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 22:50:50

Thanks sand that's how I feel. I go to anything that he asks me to - although it doesn't happen much these days - but he won't do the same for me. I said that I'd go with the other friends (a couple) and the answer is "that's not going to happen". He doesn't want to go, but he seems to think he has the right to stop me going without him sad I know it will cause a huge row but it is a special event and I don't want to miss it.

Lweji Sun 13-Oct-13 22:51:05

Yes, go without him.

That sounds more like controlling behaviour than being unsociable. It sounds more like he's trying to isolate you. First from his friends, now from yours.

Take care and don't let him dominate you this way.

(and Relationships is not IABU, smile )

Lweji Sun 13-Oct-13 22:53:39

How exactly is "that not going to happen"?

The end of your relationship? Will he lock you at home?

Walkacrossthesand Sun 13-Oct-13 22:55:35

Has this kind of thing happened before - and if so, gave you stood up to him before? How far would he go to stop you going, d'you think?

hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 22:56:58

Bertie yes he can be quite controlling. Sometimes I can put up with it for an easy life but this is something I really want to do. It bothers me more and more these days - I've got to the stage where I realise I've lived most of my life (wrong side of 50!) and I don't want to miss out on things.

Vince I don't know why - just getting old and miserable I think. He can be quite moody and our relationship is quite up and down although we've been together for over 20 years. He is quite happy to stay in and not socialise but I think there's more to life than being stuck in front of the TV night after night.

hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 23:01:42

It is controlling isn't it? By "that's not going to happen" - I suppose he thinks it means he won't allow it! I have given in over things in the past just because I can't stand the terrible atmosphere it creates. He can be moody and will be 'off' with me for no apparent reason at all, and can keep it going for days.

redundantandbitter Sun 13-Oct-13 23:03:49

Go! Absolutely. It's sad that he doesn't like socialising , but it's a special occasion and you would like to go. Then get your sparkly shoes out of the wardrobe.

hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 23:04:32

Sand I don't quite know how far he'd go to stop me going but he would make life very miserable - the silent treatment, sarky comments etc. That sounds like nothing but it's hard to live with. I try not to let his moods affect me and sometimes I can ignore it but not always.

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 23:06:10

Go to the party, I agree that the controlling behaviour is more worrying than the not wanting to socialise, so he needs to understand that you will not let it continue.

I'm sure you haven't lived most of your life and have years left smile, but it seems obvious that you aren't particularly happy at the moment - that needs to change. Don't let your DH isolate you from the people you care about.

Are you happy in the relationship itself?

Lweji Sun 13-Oct-13 23:09:09

The more you describe his moods and his reactions the more I'm tempted to tell you to not only go to the party, but also to just go.
Go to the solicitor, go away.

He needs to know that if he continues this way he will lose you. Do you see yourself living like this for another 20-30, possibly more, years?

hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 23:14:29

Vince I hope I have years left but who knows! grin No, I'm not happy at the moment tbh. On the face of it we have a good life - both working, no money worries, some issues with teenager at times (who doesn't!) - but at times our attitudes are very different.

I enjoy going out and seeing friends and would like to see shows, go on day trips, meet up with friends etc, but we seem to be in a bit of a rut. Things chug along OK for a while and then he'll get moody and we'll go through a bad patch. I'm not saying I'm perfect but if I'm in a bad mood I'll say why and talk about it, not insist I'm fine but make everyone miserable.

If we're invited anywhere - by my friends - I feel I have to pick the right moment to mention it. I know how he'd react to this invitation and I'm right (which doesn't make it any easier). I suppose it boils down to am I going to let him walk all over me? I think the answer is no on this occasion but I really don't want the hassle. If he doesn't want to go I wish he'd just say "I don't fancy it but you go and have a good time". It won't be like that though - it'll be a series of rows ...

hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 23:20:20

Lweji I don't want to see myself living like this for another 20-odd years but sometimes it seems easier not to think too far ahead. He's a good man in some ways but does try to be controlling (at times anyway). I do stand up to it and I have family nearby now which has helped because I don't feel isolated like I did at times before they were so close. Some things are not worth the aggravation but I think that this occasion is.

Lweji Sun 13-Oct-13 23:40:50

It may feel easier, but is it really?
If you don't do something now, you will really waste your life.

It doesn't have to be LTB, but my best guess is that if you do nothing it will get worse and he will drag you down with him. Can you imagine retirement?

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 23:43:49

Good, i'm glad you're going to the party. I think if you didn't, you'd look back and regret it.

Do you think that your relationship would benefit from counselling? It seems unfair that you have to pick the right 'moment' to mention something as straightforward as a night out. I'm glad you have RL support close by, which will hopefully make it easier for you to live your own life.

I know it's hard, but ignore any sulky silences or sarcastic remarks. You haven't done anything to deserve them.

CharityFunDay Mon 14-Oct-13 06:50:04

He sounds old before his time.

Go out and enjoy yourself, and let him stew for as long as he needs to.

He's being a dog in the manger. Just ignore him until he decides to be civil about things.

Have a lovely time.

BerstieSpotts Mon 14-Oct-13 08:29:02

Fucking hell. "That's not going to happen." shock Who made him lord high and mighty of the universe? Who the fuck does he think he is to get to decide where you go and who you see? You are a grown adult, I think he has forgotten this.

In healthy relationships, the other partner would absolutely say "Oh it's really not my thing. You go, and have a great time." And that would be the end of it. They would look after the DC without an issue (they are their own children), they wouldn't put a curfew in place, there would be no follow-up, probably a "Did you have a nice time?", no nasty snipes the next morning about what you might have got up to or drank or how hungover you must be feeling.

FGS, my DP practically forces me out the door if I vaguely mention something I'd like to do, because he says I don't go out enough! (In a nice way. If I said actually I don't want to go then he wouldn't push it, obv)

myroomisatip Mon 14-Oct-13 09:24:04

I could have written your post years ago. For me it got worse and worse and I got increasingly afraid of upsetting him until the tipping point came when I was more afraid of spending the rest of my life living like that.

He is now my Ex and life is so much happier, peaceful, calmer.....

You do need to make a stand. Good luck and hope you have a lovely time.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 14-Oct-13 09:26:15

That sounds so like my ex. "Out of the question" was his phrase.

After far too many years, I left the bastard.

hadagutsfull Mon 14-Oct-13 15:46:40

I've only just been able to get back to this - Thank you all for your advice & comments. It's confirmed for me that a healthy, loving relationship shouldn't be like this. I WILL regret it if I don't go, it really is a special night for my friend, and I'm not going to miss it.

I will have to weather the sulks and animosity but it's his problem not mine. Usually what happens is that I ignore it for a while but then I can't stand the atmosphere and end up getting angry and/or upset. I also don't want our son to live in this sort of atmosphere & think that it's normal behaviour. My parents didn't behave like this (nor did H's as far as I'm aware). There is no way he would agree to go for counselling, I wouldn't even suggest it.

Bertie your comment "Who made him lord high and mighty of the universe?" did make me laugh - I'll remember that!

I think you may see me on this topic more often .... thank you all once again.

Yes go and stop the Some things are not worth the aggravation but I think that this occasion is
Everything is worth the aggravation.
He has been getting worse because you have this attitude!
Seriously. He's not the boss of you - YOU ARE!
Of course there is more to life that what you are putting up with.
Join a gym or a club and do something you want to do.
Go out and visit family and friends without him.
This WILL come to an end so it's now time to find yourself and stop bowing to this mans every whim!

hadagutsfull Mon 14-Oct-13 17:00:25

I hear you Melons - i'm getting there! I need to stop letting his moods affect me, I know that.

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