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Please give me your opinion on this

(34 Posts)
Halfrek Sun 13-Oct-13 03:28:56

So I have been with DP for about 2 years now, am in my mid twenties. We currently have a long distance relationship but hope to be living together in the next year or so. I love him dearly.

I used to be fairly promiscuous due to low self-esteem and weird relationship at the time. I have not cheated on DP nor felt the wish to, it actually makes me feel sick to think of kissing/sleeping with anyone other than him.

I went out tonight to a club with some mates and had fun. Mates left but I still felt like I wanted a dance so I stayed.

I started dancing by myself and a random guy started dancing near me obviously interested. I was a bit flattered and did not tell him to fuck off but kept dancing as I was before, He shouted his name to me and I smiled and nodded but kept dancing, he didn't touch me or dance close to me but kept in the vicinity and facing me IFSWIM.

I went into another room and he followed, I just danced like I would if I was by myself. Started to get a bit uncomfortable so went outside, met a guy I had a ONS with a few years ago and chatted, caught up with where our lives were nowadays, chatted about our current partners etc. Had a quick hug and went back inside.

Slipped on the wet floor and random dancing guy helped me up. Thanked him and started dancing by myself and he danced nearby. Went to the loo, started dancing again in a different place and he was there again. Felt uncomfortable then saw old ONS guy nearby. Asked him if he was travelling nearby to where I was going (felt he was safe and wanted to minimise taxi fare) and he said he was going on to a different club.

Waved goodbye to him and left without acknowledging random dancing guy. Got in a taxi alone and came home.

I feel like I may have done something wrong either by chatting to ONS guy or not telling dancing guy to fuck off. Feel very weird now I am home. I do not want to do anything against DP but feel like I gave too much leeway to the other guys.

What do you wise women think? Sorry for the essay.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 13-Oct-13 11:49:39

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you at all. Please don't cry. Yes, it's a defence mechanism to minimise traumatic experiences or try to bury them. Quite normal and nothing to be ashamed of. It's also normal to believe you were a willing participant when you're under the influence of a malevolent manipulative person. You've been really courageous just writing what you've written. I can tell it was difficult. But it was clear from your original post that something very wrong was going on with your perception of a very innocent situation or I wouldn't have kept asking questions.

Have you ever told someone IRL what happened? Does your DP know any of this?

Halfrek Sun 13-Oct-13 12:02:37

DP knows and my friends know, they all hate Ex with a passion. We still see him around occasionally, he isn't doing well mentally I think but he never was. He drinks an awful lot. My mates were urging me to leave him for a long time before I did.

I actually left Ex for DP, Ex had started a new relationship which he refused to finish and told me I was being unreasonable to be upset about this, jealously was a useless feeling etc.

I met DP who I had known a bit previously and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head, I don't have to deal with this bullshit. I left Ex and never looked back, I told DP about the situation in dribs and drabs over the next few months. DP is the best thing that ever happened to me, he is the opposite of Ex in almost every way. I massively fell on my feet there.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 13-Oct-13 12:31:41

I'm glad you've got someone supportive and that people know the full story. Look after yourself, however. That kind of experience casts long shadows.

Hissy Sun 13-Oct-13 16:46:24

My love, you are still suffering the self doubt that an abuser instills in us.

You absolutely WERE a victim of abuse and you absolutely NEED to address this. It won't go away by itself. It really won't.

You are not in a day to day full on relationship, so won't have that external support of normal every day life to help guide you back into normality.

You NEED councelling, the Freedom Programme would absolutely be perfect for you. (I've done it) It's not for hard core cases, not at all. It's not that hard core itself. It isn't the magic bullet you think it might be. It will however show you all the ways your boundaries were violated and will teach you to be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and let yourself heal from the evil that OTHERS did TO YOU.

You are not to blame here, but you are the key to your own recovery. Time won't heal this, nothing heals it. It won't go away by itself.

You are stronger now, you have a life, a DP and you have us. It's time to do what has to be done to make the past STAY in the past.

somehow you are still saying that you are less worthy of a good partner than you really are. Your DP is lucky to have you. remember that?!

Hissy Sun 13-Oct-13 16:47:05

sorry, counselling! <tut>

Missbopeep Sun 13-Oct-13 16:53:47

OP I hope you are okay but one thing crossed my mind- staying on to dance alone is a club when it's obvious to the leery guy that your friends have gone, could be seen as a 'come-on' signal.
This doesn't mean you have done anything wrong- you hadn't- but it does perhaps show you are a little naive about how your behaviour looks to others.
Going outside alone ( where you met the ex ONS etc) could have also been taken as a invitation to follow you......

SomethingOnce Sun 13-Oct-13 17:09:48

Ffs, *Missbopeep. Enough with the signals and invitations bullshit.

SomethingOnce Sun 13-Oct-13 17:12:29

OP, please ignore that. You did nothing wrong. A sleazy bloke is a sleazy bloke and you are quite entitled to go about your social life solo without feeling like others' behaviour is your responsibility.

Missbopeep Sun 13-Oct-13 20:07:35

FFS too- something . I did say she had done nothing wrong. My post was more about personal safety. Many other posters have said she has problems with 'boundaries'. I said she has to appreciate that certain behaviours can be read in certain ways. As a parent of a DD her age I'd not condone dancing alone, then going outside alone when some guy was leering. It's about being streetwise- not about morality.

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