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DH blames me for drug habit because I 'have no empathy'... £12,000 later

(111 Posts)
SadLadyinTears Sun 13-Oct-13 00:54:10

Title of post and name (changed) says it really.
I've just found out I've been lied to and fooled. I found out that DH has been hiding a drugs habit for the last 2 years. Last night he admitted to £12,000 debt, drink driving with the kids in the car "maybe once or twice", taking drugs during the day while I am at work ("every other day") (me = breadwinner) and generally taking the piss. He admitted he hadn't wanted to change, until recently. I think what triggered the "wanting to change" was me finding a credit card statement (the trouser-pocket-clear-out-before-washing-reveal) And I cant help thinking he hopes I will just clear the debt for him. so you know, I did the "party" lifestyle before we were married - and when we met - so I understand the drugs he is taking and I know the good and the bad. I stopped all that when we became a family. And i'm not sure if i'm prepared to support a lying drug addict through his fight with addiction at my expense and that of our dc. I told him so last night.

He strutted home this evening, drunk 11.30pm, carrying the kids tea in his bag, having been at a friend's house and quoting the friend as he walked in through the door as saying "of course you've got a problem, who wouldn't, married to her" or words to that effect. Normally I respect this other bloke's advice and, on the occasions we've argued before, I've appreciated his help. So I'm in tears. There's more but this has already turned into an essay sorry. I don't know where else to turn at this time of night.

Oh. And today my dad told me he has lung cancer. So the title doesn't really say it all it only says what I can deal with at the moment

Waffling Sun 13-Oct-13 00:55:51

Kick him out. You don't need that shit.

Venushasrisen Sun 13-Oct-13 01:00:07

As the daughter of a lifelong alci the advice is Run for the hills and leave DP and his debts now.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePost Sun 13-Oct-13 01:01:30

Kick him out. He's an unfit father and husband who does not believe he has a problem. He's looking for excuses not to have to deal with the addiction. Stop his credit card now and make sure he has no access to your family's money before he burns through any more.
You did not cause the addiction.
You cannot cure it.
You can't control it.

bunchoffives Sun 13-Oct-13 01:02:18

Well I'd ignore the so called 'quote', which sounds like a poor attempt at self-justification from your DH to me.

I'm so sorry to hear of your Dad, you've certainly got a lot on your plate and no wonder you are in tears. Have an unmn hug and brew and cake

I think the bottom line here is does your DH want to change? You are not to blame for his addiction, equally you cannot cure it. Only he can.

I can really understand your anger and unwillingness to clear his debt or have him around you and the DC while he sorts himself out. I think if it were me I'd probably want him to leave and live nearby while he sorts himself out with a view to returning if/when he does so. I suppose it also casts doubt on how much you can feel confidence in him looking after the Dc on his own?

passedgo Sun 13-Oct-13 01:02:37

God I'm so sorry this has happened to you. What a silly silly man you have. He is an addict, his actions are very little to do with you, are simply a symptom of his addiction. The friends he chooses, the risking the childrens lives by drink driving, the money spent, the irresponsibility. I feel sorry for you and I feel sorry for him too. What a mess.

What are you going to do?

WestieMamma Sun 13-Oct-13 01:03:38

I know it's easier said that done, but you need to get rid.

Mellowandfruitful Sun 13-Oct-13 01:05:04

How dare he try to make this your fault! That is low.

I would say separate your finances asap. Plus see if you can get him on record about the risks he has taken with the kids.

Is your house in joint names? Can you tell him to go and give you some space?

joanofarchitrave Sun 13-Oct-13 01:06:28

I wouldn't believe what your husband has said about what the other person is supposed to have said to him. He lies.

Kleptronic Sun 13-Oct-13 01:10:01

What a fucking diabolical liberty. He drinks and takes drugs, on your wage, he lies to you by hiding it, he's endangered the dc, and it's your fault? He's swanned round to his mate's house, bitched about you and got pissed while you're presumably sat at home desperado with the kids?

Kick him into touch OP. Get shot of him. This is my first LTB. I'm so sorry. Sorry to hear about your father. Sorry to hear about your addicted unsupportive waste of space spouse. Protect yourself and your kids and get rid if him.

He might change, I would never say change is not possible in any person's life, but I am convinced getting rid is the only way to keep yourself sane while he figures out if he's going to do it or not.

I am really angry for you!

HappySunflower Sun 13-Oct-13 01:12:24

You need to conserve what resources you have within yourself to be there for your children and your Dad.
Ditch this waste of space of a man. He actually shouldn't have unsupervised access of your children either so I think you need to make their safety and wellbeing your highest priority.

Make sure that you ensure he has no access to any of your bank accounts or anything.

Sorry that you have so much on your plate.

SadLadyinTears Sun 13-Oct-13 01:16:51

Thanks for reading and replying. At the moment I am not sure what I am going to do. There is so much more to this story, it would take me forever to type. But I do now know that, before we were married he battled alchoholism (found this out from his mum last Thurs night when I phoned her for advice), he's bankrupted himself (found this out the night before we got married, I was pregnant at the time and very much in love). The house is in my name (I owned my own place when we got married and the equity is mine, and the mortgage) and our finances are officially separate, I made sure of this when he admitted the bankruptcy. I don't think he will leave if I ask him

passedgo Sun 13-Oct-13 01:20:01

It's your house, he has to leave. Don't ask him. Tell him he will have to leave in the morning. Don't explain or engage, he will know exactly why.

TSSDNCOP Sun 13-Oct-13 01:20:11

So sorry about your dad, the worst part of this right after the 11.30pm delivery of the kids tea: WTAF?

You're financially viable it seems (for now). Explain would you exactly the upside of staying with this knobbing great knobber chap?

passedgo Sun 13-Oct-13 01:21:13

Is he technically 'main carer' of the children? I'm not sure if that makes any difference.

Kleptronic Sun 13-Oct-13 01:23:58

Oh SadLady <hug> you need some time to take it all in and decide what you want to do. I'm going to sleep now but I'll be back tomorrow. I'm sure there will be night owls to keep you company, but I hope you manage to get some sleep.

SadLadyinTears Sun 13-Oct-13 01:27:03

Passedgo, I'm not sure what "main carer" means any more. I work full time, he does school run, sees his dealer in the day and does the ironing once a fortnight. I pay for everything, apart from the £12000 debt I didnt know about, do washing, gardening, cleaning at weekend while he takes kids swimming. He does normally cook tea and makes their sandwiches for school - does that make him technically main carer?

AlfalfaMum Sun 13-Oct-13 01:39:01

Well Jesus, fuck him. You've just found out about your dad (and I'm so sorry xx), and this is how he behaves? I'm a strong believer in knowing who you can count on when you need them, and he's just shown you he's not one of them.

SadLadyinTears Sun 13-Oct-13 01:41:00

Tsdncop, i think my main worry is my kids and their love for their dad. otherwise I'd have kicked him out when he hit me in the face two years ago after being out all night ... hasn't happened since mind you, he he knows I would never see him again and he would not see the kids either. Ive been in a relationship like that in my younger years and would not do that again.

SadLadyinTears Sun 13-Oct-13 01:42:04

Alfafamum. He doesn't know about my dad. I am not gong to tell him for the moment

CharityFunDay Sun 13-Oct-13 01:42:18

Kick him out. Change the locks. Watch life improve.

AlfalfaMum Sun 13-Oct-13 01:42:30

And I should think being a drug/alcohol addict, drink driving with the dc, and behaviour such as arriving home at 11:30 with their tea will go against any 'main carer' advantages he might have?

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 01:43:04

I would ask him to leave as he's showing no remorse or desire to quit drugs. He really isn't a safe or trustworthy person to have around your DCs either - this alone would be a dealbreaker for me. Anyone putting my DC at risk would be out of my life.

I appreciate that i'm not party to your relationship and don't know the full story, but with his history I wouldn't want to continue the relationship. Could he stay with your MIL?

ThePost Sun 13-Oct-13 01:43:38

If he's an addict, there's no way he's fit to be the main carer. Keep the statement, start a record of the emotional abuse and things like not moving home with dinner for the kids until after 11pm. Please, please don't let your children grow up living in the same house as an addict.

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