Am I having an Emotional Affair (by accident)/ does he fancy me? Help/Opinions please!

[Winipigi]

Hi all,

I have registered for the purpose of asking this question, a friend has found this site very useful. I would like any opinions on this situation I am having with a man at work.

Please let me state first that I have no interest in having any form of non platonic relationship with this man, I am very happy with my Partner and don't want anything else eat all.

So there is a man at work who I sit near who I am very similar to in tastes, humour etc and we get on very well. Lots of joking, chatting and laughing etc. We all work in a close environment and we all get on very well. This man however, I'll refer to as P from now on, is one of my closer work colleagues.


A friend mentioned to me that it seems as if he 'fancied' me and that he appears emotionally invested in me quite a lot. Examples include talking quite seriously to me about him and his wife/ insulting her a few times in quite an extreme way and in a way that he doesn't to anyone else at work. Other examples include some touching on the shoulder or neck, I have never seen P touch anyone else at work before and when he does he could just as easily speak to me. There is nothing overt but I have lots of male friends and there is nothing just different with this man than any other of my male friends / colleagues. It is mainly in body language and talking that this appears to come across and the amount of personal things he talks about, it just feels charged!?


I feel really bad about this and I am awful when it comes to seeing if people are attracted to me / flirting, I am the metaphorical brick wall . I am a talkative open person by nature and I am worried that if this is feeding into this supposed attraction / emotional affair that has been mentioned. Or it could be that I'm being completely wrong and it's just platonic! What my friend said has got me thinking and I don't want anything to come across as I really don't feel that way at all/ would never cheat on my Partner.

What do you all think? Does he fancy me or am I being clueless!?

[something2say]

The only thing I can remember from your op is the phrase 'insulting his wife in an extreme way.....'

[Whatnext074]

If I had a man insulting his wife to me, let alone in an extreme way, I would tell him that is disrespectful and cool off from banter with him.

[Xales]

Does it matter if he fancies you or not?

He is a married man. More than that he is a married man who is happy to insult his wife to you. If he fancies you and made a move what makes you think he would be any nicer about you in the long term?

Cut the friendly banter back to work only and keep enough distance so he cannot touch you plantonic or otherwise.

[DeathStar]

By the sound of it he's using you to stroke his ego not wang and give himself a feeling of getting one-up on his wife if she's the same type as he is, flirting with other guys.

Be very wary of straying in between couples who play one-up flirting against each other, who use it to make the other half jealous. You're a pawn in their private 'relationship power games.'

[blueshoes]

Your colleague has crossed the line. I am sure people at work must have already noticed. Why does it matter whether he fancies you? You should make the boundaries clear to him or be prepared to be the subject of office gossip, which is very disrespectful to your dh.

[CharityFunDay]

You're not having an emotional affair unless you reciprocate, to answer the title question, and it doesn't sound like you're going to get sucked into one (thankfully for you). I'd be a bit cooler with him in future.

The stuff about touching your neck is a bit sex-pesty, to be honest, and next time he does it, you ought to recoil from it. Then if he does it again, because he hasn't got the hint, tell him not to. If he does it again, it becomes an HR issue of sexual harassment. Be merciless if you have to. You don't want him, and that should be enough to stop him.

[WinkyWinkola]

I'd create a bit of distance if I were you.

If you don't, he might start to think you are interested and then it will all blow up in your face.

[Lweji]

You don't seem to be having an EA. He on the other hand, may well want one and possibly more.

You need to cut it out.
For example, do not allow him to speak badly of his wife. Offer impartial advice and tell him you don't like when people speak like that about their spouses.

Regarding touching, could you make it less likely? Sit in a different place? Or react badly or flinch when he does it? Ultimately, just tell him you don't like all that touching if you think it's inappropriate. Maybe remark about what your colleagues have said and say something along the lines of that being silly because both of you are married and you would never consider cheating on your husband and hate men who do.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're not having an emotional affair, you're being hit on by a weirdo who is invading your personal space & thinks insulting his own wife makes him attractive. Tell him to bugger off and leave you alone.

[DeathStar]

CogitoErgoSometimes +1 for that - Mumsnet needs a 'like' button x

[Wellwobbly]

He is giving you signals that he is available, by dissing his wife and touching you. What a twunt. He doesn't think that he is letting you know what a nasty backstabber he is? Poor, poor wife.

Back off, fast, and tell your boyfriend. That way, there are no secrets between you two and it is out in the open.

Let him know you don't like his disloyalty to his wife, maybe you could ask him 'innocently' why don't they go to counselling? ie don't reward his twuntness.

[Wellwobbly]

Let him know nonverbally, with a frown or stony face I meant.

[DeathStar]

Wellwobbly - 'twunt' is now my new favourite word :)

I like the nonverbally idea too. Would printing it on a t-shirt count?

[OrmirianResurgam]

No you aren't but I suspect he might be. Tell him that men who insult their wives are pretty much pondlife and no woman with any decency or self-esteem would look twice.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

Cogito - nail/head

[Orchidlady]

wini don your tin hat love. You sound very immature, he is married and you are in a relationship, you sound like you are enjoying the attention. tbh. What do actually mean you I have no interest in having any form of non platonic relationship with this man

[JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice]

insulting her a few times in quite an extreme way

Nice!

Next time he does that I would ask him if his wife is aware of what a cunt he is.

[WitchOfEndor]

You aren't, but he is, or thinks he is. You need to create some distance straight away, and pull him up when he criticises her so he knows you aren't on his side. If he tells you about something his wife does that he hates tell him you do it too!