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Not ready to commit?

(87 Posts)
AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 11:09:16

I have namechanged for this due to obvious reasons.

DP and I have been going out for 6 years. We met quite young but we have been living together for years and are in our mid twenties.
I am working full time and supporting us completely as he has decided to go back to university. So far so good.

Recently I have been thinking about marriage more and we have talked about it as a couple. He seems to be reluctant to get engaged and married. He says he is too young and he doesn't see the rush as it's no big deal. It is a big deal to me. I also feel like we are making huge decisions based on us staying together so why not formalise it? We are living together, we have joint finances, I will support him through his university degree which means we need to live on a tiny budget. I have moved away from my family and for a variety of reasons us staying together will mean that it will be almost impossible to ever move back close to them. So I feel like I am compromising, taking him into account when making decisions and so on. On the other hand it doesn't feel like he is willing to compromise on something that is very important to me.

I know marriage doesn't offer complete security but it does offer a bit. I also feel like we are committing to each other so much, why not do it properly? I just can't see his point if view.

I have explained this to him in a non-confrontational way and he seemed to agree with me, making big promises. But this morning I used his computer and found search history about things like "She wants to get married, I am too young" (just an example). I probably shouldn't have looked but there we go, he obviously is not on the same sheet as me.

While I know marriage might not be important to some people it is to me and I am very disappointed today after finding out that he is lying to my face while googling the above. I am not some nutter who talks about marriage and babies every day but considering everything we have been going through, the years we have been together and the choices we are currently facing in life I don't feel unjustified in asking where he sees us in future and to think about marriage. It's making me feel insecure in my relationship despite everything else going well.

Not sure anyone can actually help me, but it feels good to write it down. Any advice about what to do? My open and frank chat obviously didn't work.

expatinscotland Sun 13-Oct-13 12:01:06

I really hope your support has only been free place to stay, food, bills and not actual payment for the course. What Joined said. This guy is your boyfriend.

ImperialBlether Sun 13-Oct-13 12:01:43

No, you can't be sure.

Be careful about the chat, though. I'm not saying he's with you for mercenary reasons - I'm sure he's not - but if you suggest withdrawing funding you might find he's willing to, say, get engaged.

Surely you want someone to be desperate to be with you, who decides for himself to marry you, rather than having it forced out of him in an argument?

What do you think your life would be like if you went off and did your own thing now? Where would you like to live? What would you like to be doing?

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 13-Oct-13 12:12:24

I think you need to withdraw whatever "funding" you are supplying to him.

But not as a bargaining chip.

Just as a done deal.

He doesn't want to marry you (yet?), and that's fine.

But you don't OWE him his masters. You don't owe him living in this place you didn't want to move to.

You are young too and you owe YOURSELF doing whatever it is will make YOUR life the happiest, most successful, most exciting life you can have.

Spend that money you're earning on your own dreams, on your own future.

Seriously.

If this is true love, then you don't need to be following him around the country and subsidising his studies in order to keep him.

ImperialBlether Sun 13-Oct-13 12:18:10

Do you have any money in the bank, OP? I think in your position now would be a great time to end the relationship and spend a year travelling and working abroad. If you end the relationship and stay in the same place then for one thing it's not a place you've chosen to live and for another you'd have to see him around. If you went back to where you were living, you said you'd find that difficult.

Have you ever fancied travelling? Getting a long way away from the situation and having a few adventures would be a fantastic way of spending the next year or two rather than spending it funding someone to a better life whilst suffering yourself.

I did my masters while working full time and having 2 DC.
It never even crossed my mind to expect my family to take a financial hit for something that was for my benefit alone.
I've been married for 20 years.
Why can't he work and fund himself?

MadameLeMean Sun 13-Oct-13 12:22:22

I would not be funding a boyfriend through university unless there was more commitment there eg owning a house together / having a child / engagement imminent

You could end up royally screwed, no matter how good the relationship is now. You see it as a forever relationship, but it's not clear that he does. As previous posters have said, he can't have it both ways and is unreasonable to expect you to pay for his uni but refuses to commit after six years together.

The only reason people feel "too young" to get married is because deep down they want to keep their options open. If you are sure, you are sure. Sorry.

ImperialBlether Sun 13-Oct-13 12:32:17

Me too, Katie. My daughter's doing hers now while working 30 hours pw. There's no reason why the OP's boyfriend can't support himself.

I agree with Offred when she says "There is no such thing as wanting to get married in the future. That is utter bullshit. Either you want to get married to someone or you don't."

If he is not anti marriage then he's had plenty of time with you to decide if you are his Miss Right, someone he can be with long term. If you are his Miss Right, long term partner, then IMO there is nothing stopping him commiting now. So I see his "I'm too young to get married" as actually meaning he doesn't want to commit to YOU, that he is keeping his options open by remaining single.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Sun 13-Oct-13 20:04:43

If you have been together for 6 years then to put it bluntly, it's time for him to shit or get off the pot.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to get married - lots of people don't want to, for perfectly valid reasons. However that's what's missing from this discussion - a perfectly valid reason not to.

He's not too young for you to move away from your family, live with him and commit to him in all but name - is he? He's not too young to make a joint financial decision with you which has quite a significant effect on you right now - is he? He isn't too young to accept you supporting him - is he?

The best advice I have ever read on here is when a man tells you what he is, then listen to him

This man is telling you what he is - he doesn't want to marry you. He hasn't said why. He hasn't suggested that its because the timing isn't right - financially or whatever. He's just said no

Offred's already made a very good point about starter relationships - it is very, very common. You are obviously a bright and intelligent woman - apply some of that to your situation now and protect yourself, financially as well as emotionally.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Sun 13-Oct-13 20:10:53

And be prepared for some bullshit when you challenge him - he might not want to commit but he certainly won't want to lose his source of funding for his education.

Why is the financial burden all on you anyway? I know and have known postgrad students work PT whilst they study. It's hard, but it is do-able.

CharityFunDay Mon 14-Oct-13 02:18:44

You can apply for Student Finance at any point during a degree, AFAIK.

I would be sending off for the forms for him, he sounds like a bit of a liability. Too much investment for too uncertain an outcome.

If he thinks he's too young to get married, what he's really saying is he wants to play the field, imho.

FortKnox Mon 14-Oct-13 11:09:17

When I did my MA not all universities offered financial support and, to qualify, you had to have a First from your BA. But that was a few years back so the rules may have changed though!
I got support from my parents (in the form of a loan that will be paid back) and worked alongside. For my subject there were very few classes so it was fine working quite a bit alongside.

On the commitment issue - someone I know once described relationships in terms of cooked breakfasts. In a relationship you are either a chicken or a pig. The chicken was involved in the breakfast by laying an egg, but fundamentally the chicken isn't tied to the breakfast. It is free to wander off and get involved with however many other breakfasts it feels like.

The pig, on the other hand, is completely sacrificed to the breakfast. It can't go off and be involved with anything else as it is sliced up on a plate already! Fundamentally a relationship between a chicken and a pig is totally uneven and unbalanced.

This is all a roundabout way of saying that you are "all in" in this relationship. You're the bacon. You have moved and done all this other incredibly committed stuff - for someone who doesn't appear to have shown any willingness to do the same for you.

How did your chat go yesterday?

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