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Should I believe my husband?

(163 Posts)
GrannyBubble Fri 11-Oct-13 21:14:58

I have been married for 10 years and have never had reason to doubt my husband but the last few days I have been feeling uneasy about something.

The other day I noticed his phone wasn't where he always leaves it on the side and I after that it wasn't there again any day. I saw it charging at night in the bedroom, which is where it always is as he uses it for an alarm. For some reason I just felt something wasn't right so this evening I looked in his coat pocket and there was the phone so I had a look at it. He had a password on, which he doesn't normally have but as he has just downloaded the new iphone software I thought maybe it automatically put a pin code on. Anyway I guessed the pin correctly (the one we always use for things) and I had a look at his messages.

There were about 6 messages from a woman he works with, saying how much she wanted him, missed him etc. although no replies from him. I hid the phone while I tried to calm down and he went looking for it and when he asked if I had seen it I told him I would give it back but he had a lot of explaining to do. I looked at his expression and he didn't look guilty but he must have known what I had found.

So I confronted him with the messages and he said she kept sending messages but that he ignored them. He said she was crazy, but of course he would say that whatever. He asked why I looked at his phone and I said I was suspicious because he had been hiding it. He said he hadn't hidden it. I asked why he had a pin number, he said if he had wanted to keep it private why would he have used our usual pin number and he said why would he be so stupid as to keep the messages.

He has said he is trying to get her to leave, he has told her to get a new job (she is a temp) but he said she acts perfectly normal at work but just sends messages and he ignores her.

I just don't know what to believe. I want to believe him and he seems so genuine but how can I not have a doubt in my mind.

What should I do?

I have told him to tell me if the messages continue and I have said he needs to get rid of her as soon as he can, both of which he has agreed.

Should I believe him...?

Whatnext074 Fri 11-Oct-13 21:18:23

If she's a temp - why has she got his mobile number?

maleview70 Fri 11-Oct-13 21:20:13

Pin....that came with the upgrade.

Now that it's out in the open I would say "well you won't mind me checking the phone bill then will you"

You will see immediately if he has been texting her. Won't give you the content but the number of texts may well tell a story!

DragonsAreReal Fri 11-Oct-13 21:22:31

I actually would give him the benefit of the doubt, double check phone bill just to double check but yes I would be inclined to take his side.

GrannyBubble Fri 11-Oct-13 21:26:51

He has her phone number because he is the manager and she works for him.

He has told me he will leave the phone out and I can check when I want. I can also check the bill online so I may do that just to double check..

Fairenuff Fri 11-Oct-13 21:27:33

Honestly? It sounds like a lie. If you were him and you wanted to lie what would you say that would sound remotely plausible?

She's crazy - tick
He hasn't texted back - tick
He ignored her messages - tick
She doesn't do it at work - tick

What else could he say without incriminating himself.

I take it he hasn't put a new passcode on the phone?

Yes, definitely check the phone bill.

Zipadeedoodah Fri 11-Oct-13 21:29:52

Could be. Telling the truth.....he used your usual pin and didnt reply...

Whatnext074 Fri 11-Oct-13 21:31:05

If she's a temp and he manages her, he can call the agency and replace her.

CeliaFate Fri 11-Oct-13 21:31:42

If he's her manager and she works for him, he should follow procedure and make sure he has documented this and asked her to stop.
This sounds suspicious, it would depend on the time frame I guess.
Over what period of time has she sent the messages?
If he was really serious about it, he'd fire her surely?

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, I'd be on my guard though...

VicarInaTutu Fri 11-Oct-13 21:35:00

the content of hte messages would bother me. You dont just text someone randomly that you "want them" or "miss them".

sounds more intimate than he is letting on to me.

Zipadeedoodah Fri 11-Oct-13 21:35:01

Why don't you tell DH you want to text her back from your phone, if he genuinely wants her to stop he won't mind. Bare faced cheek of this woman though....texting a MM and boss ..very predatory....I have so much to learn

Gruntfuttock Fri 11-Oct-13 21:35:42

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt too.

CeliaFate Fri 11-Oct-13 21:36:40

Another tack - tell him she could be setting him up for a sexual harassment case and for his own security he needs to alert his line manager and call the agency she's from.

maleview70 Fri 11-Oct-13 21:39:40

Yes to benefit of doubt.....once you have checked phone bill and the next one. If nothing on there then nothing to confront him with

maleview70 Fri 11-Oct-13 21:39:59

Yes to benefit of doubt.....once you have checked phone bill and the next one. If nothing on there then nothing to confront him with

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 11-Oct-13 21:42:33

I am very sorry.

Well it does look suspicious. If she is harassing him, then he has texts to prove it. With written proof, it would very easy to address at work. HR would deal with it.

No advice. Only sympathy.

GrannyBubble Fri 11-Oct-13 21:42:38

I have checked the phone bill online and he never sent any text messages to that number in the last month. All the messages from her were recent, in the last couple of weeks.

He said he wants to get rid of her but he is a little worried that if he just sacks her she may say something about him.

Everything he has said has made sense. I am just still feeling shocked.

Hassled Fri 11-Oct-13 21:46:30

I think he's probably telling the truth. I also think he needs to tell someone else at work what's going on, so as to cover his back should any sexual harrassment issues follow. And yes, if she's temping the agency can send someone new in on Monday.

Fairenuff Fri 11-Oct-13 21:46:40

What could she possibly say about him? He's hiding something. You haven't got the full picture yet.

Why don't say this - "You know, Mr Bubble, I think I will just have a chat with this woman myself, just to put my mind at rest. Unless there is anything you want to tell me first?"

And then see what he says.

Hassled Fri 11-Oct-13 21:46:59

Sorry - so what Celia's already said.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Fri 11-Oct-13 21:47:10

It does sound as though he is telling you the truth tbh, you need to find out why he didn't tell you about it though.

If it is an iPhone the pin came with the iOS upgrade, I would say that his using an obvious one is a good sign.

DontCallMeDaughter Fri 11-Oct-13 21:50:03

The new iPhone system does make you set up a pin (you can avoid it but it really wants you to).

If you've checked phone bill then it starts to sound more plausible that he's telling the truth.

Is he being understanding and kind about your fears or is he minimising them...?

johnworf Fri 11-Oct-13 21:51:58

If she's a temp he doesn't have to sack her...just ring the agency and tell them they have no further need for her.

Btw, I would believe him.

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