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Defining moment that you realised your relationship was over

(185 Posts)
Faffalina Fri 11-Oct-13 16:09:14

As it sounds, really. Not sure if this has been done already but was there something your partner did / said that made you realise it would have to end?

FolkGirl Wed 16-Oct-13 08:22:13

I wish I didn't need the maintenance. That's the latest threat. I wish I didn't need it then I wouldn't have to keep him sweet.

FolkGirl Wed 16-Oct-13 08:19:59

When I look back I realise it was over when

He refused to tell me anything about the birth of my own daughter (I was really out of it). I didn't bond with her for a couple of years as a result and he blamed me for that too.

He called me a "fucking cunt" because same daughter didn't quite make it to the toilet in time when she had just toilet trained and wet herself. She was naturally very upset, I reassured her and dealt with it, he raged around the house about how I should have taken her to the toilet and not let her go on her own and I was a shit mother and didn't care about her.

He punched the wall next to me and told me I was lucky because most men would have punched me in the face.

I locked myself in the bathroom to get away from him and he kicked the door in.

I had no idea how much money he earned because it was none of my business and he used our joint account as his personal slush fund, ran up several thousand pounds in debts...

On reflection there were many, many times over the years when I did what so many other women have done - minimised the bad and maximised the good. It took for me to find out he was having an affair to finally end it.

He's still threatening me now. He makes comments to my son (told me this morning) about how it upsets him to think of him "living like this" (he means with me, in a rented house, with my slightly shabby 'eclectic' furniture, rather than with him and his new girlfriend (the OW) in her luxury apartment). He's already threatened me with SS and said that they would favour him over me because he's in a stable relationship and I'm not; and he has a large family/support network and I don't; and he earns more than me.

The signs were there from the start, but then my parents believed that a woman is irrelevant unless in a relationship and told me I was lucky that he'd have me and so I should stay with him. I thought if I just put up and shut up and pretended it wasn't happening, then it didn't matter.

worriedmum28 Tue 15-Oct-13 22:28:28

Yes M0reC0ffee they treat you like an enemy as if you'd been the one to hurt them! I went thru weeks of thinking 'if only I'd given him some space, he wouldn't of finished with me' till I got thinking it was the same as saying 'if only I'd given him some space he wouldn't of beaten me black and blue'. Everyone thinks he is a kind, lovely, funny man and I want to tell them he's not. I am an intelligent, professional, kind hearted woman, wouldn't hurt anyone and I am humiliated with myself for putting up with his abuse for 5 years!

TerrorTremor Tue 15-Oct-13 21:43:23

Some real vile ex partners on this thread.

Luckily I'm in a great relationship now but these are from past relationships.

My first ex was because he was quite nasty to me on and off from the start, just like my second ex really. However, what made me break up with him was when he told me his Grandfather had died when he hadn't, just to go out with his friends. I actually phoned up his Dad (who hated me, because his son and made up lies about me and didn't like I was 3 years younger) and told him about it. He was furious. Then partner phoned e 15 minutes later furious. I said he was dumped and that was it. Ironically about 3 years later his grandfather DID pass away and although I wasn't friends with him, I was on the phone for support.

My second ex was like my first as in was sexually and verbally aggressive but he took it more to eleven. I knew I couldn't be with him any more though after I found inappropriate pictures on his computer and when I confronted him he threatened to kill us both if I left the place. He got ill and had a mini seizure thing so helped him a few weeks later but, about a month after I went home to my parents and got rid of him because he was vile.

Now with current partner and luckily he is nothing like either of the other two. smile

OlympicSleepingChampion Tue 15-Oct-13 21:29:03

noNickname check out the original Cutting Crew song. So much better than the meaningless gangster rap shite that Eminem has added in. It's a great song in it's own right.

So many of you have put up with so much shite. And although I am tempted to say that I am lucky that DP has never been abusive in any way shape or form I realise that it should not be down to luck. That should be the norm and it clearly isn't.

BoxHillBessy Tue 15-Oct-13 21:26:26

When I was having my first miscarriage six weeks before our wedding and he had to go on a paragliding course because he'd booked it.
Five miscarriages, two ectopics and three sessions in intensive care later, the day he gave me the ivf clinic brochure- I'd been told three months before no more pregnancies as they might not save me next time. He thought I should keep trying...he didn't speak to me again after I said no. Took him another nine months to leave me.

LalaDipsey Tue 15-Oct-13 21:11:57

I want to read them all and will but for me, a few things,
I) bf baby dd before bed, crying, hearing him drunkenly crash around and swear downstairs promising her I WOULD NOT let her grow up with that,
2) H telling me and dd to fuck off when we'd spent hours baking his birthday cake and then he broke a glass, placed it in the bin without wrapping it and without telling me so when I changed then in it ripped my leg.
3) shaking 10 week old DTS saying 'shut the fuck up you little fuckwit
I knew I knew it was over but when I poured my heart out asking him to change and to stop drinking and he said he wouldn't and I said 'what if that's not enough' and he said 'well that's up to you then'. And it was. It took almost another 12 months until he moved out but oh my goodness I am glad we're over

Sidge Tue 15-Oct-13 21:09:30

When I met one of my best friends for coffee on her birthday and spent an hour crying uncontrollably when she asked if I was ok.

I remember sobbing and telling her I never knew one could be married but feel so lonely.

We then went on a family holiday and I realised at the end of the week that the only time he had touched me was when I asked him to put suncream on my back.

I uncovered his affair within a week of getting back and kicked him out. It was horrendous but as soon as he left I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

amyjowebb Tue 15-Oct-13 20:28:28

Oops I wanted to post that to nickysmam sorry.

amyjowebb Tue 15-Oct-13 20:25:46

I've never posted before but I just wanted to say how bloody brave you are. ..... don't ever go back. You will be fine I'm sure of it. Don't give up. Be strong xx

noNicknameAnymore Tue 15-Oct-13 20:12:07

"*must be something you said"

M0reC0ffee Tue 15-Oct-13 20:04:53

Wow. It's like, when these unevolved guys move on, they treat the mothers of their children and the women they once loved worse than strangers. They treat them like they'd treat their enemies . I always felt (as a woman, typical I think) that if you once loved somebody you owe them a bit more than you owe a stranger, but I think for men it tends to be the other way round.
I know by the time I left my x he treated everybody better than he treated me.

Wellwobbly Tue 15-Oct-13 19:05:17

Another one:

when he told me (having witnessed my hurt and upset) that he never once felt guilty in a post coital orgasmic glow in OW arms (2 year affair in our house, in children's and MY bed).

No integrity. No empathy.

noNicknameAnymore Tue 15-Oct-13 15:55:28

And just one very sour comment is coming to my head
Like new Eminem song

"Oh I just died in your arms tonight
Must something you said..
I just died in your arms"

MulliganandOHare Mon 14-Oct-13 23:17:25

A very touching, emotive thread.
I guess the final nail was in our one and only counselling session, where (after telling the counsellor why we were there) she said to Ex H
'Wow, 5 infidelities. That is a lot'
And the look on his face... was of a smug, arrogant, self-entitled shit.

worriedmum28 Mon 14-Oct-13 22:44:43

Thanks got divorced from husband. 9 yr old son held knife to my chest twice, threatened to kill me and DD while asleep. Ex told DS I deserved it cos Id left him. This was all 11 years ago, DS turned out well,me and DD still alive lol

worriedmum28 Mon 14-Oct-13 22:39:39

Recent ex boyfriend:
On and off relationship for 5 years, scared of Committment tho I was happy to not live with him or get married.
Took me on holiday where he spent all his money on me, planning future holidays. 17 days later he texted to say he didn't think we'd been too happy together recently(????) and wanted some space ( all by text). Asked questions, got dumped. 3 days later got key thru letterbox and texted him to say he didn't have to do this and he replied yes he did, he'd been unhappy for ages and if we hadn't been going on hol would have done it sooner.
Head was totally f***ed, mentally I'll, forgot to take passport to airport for my day trip to Europe with 15 yr old daughter, she'd been quite depressed recently, was sat on floor on airport crying, she ran off back to car, ASKED a strange man for a lift(!!!)texted him to say he'd made me I'll, daughter had missed trip, put herself in danger, I wanted him to apologise to her. Was rewarded with 'I've got a new girlfriend now (3 wks later) leave me alone'.
Have been in touch with domestic abuse helpline only to find I've been the victim of verbal and emotional abuse, with someone who is nasty to make me insecure and push me away. He is now been in touch saying he wants to be friends, he didn't mean me any harm, well he can right off

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Mon 14-Oct-13 22:34:28

Bet you looked great as a saloon girl smile

Nickysmam please keep your strength up, and stay gone from that man. Sounds horrendous and I know how hard it is to make that final break, but it's worth it

Awaken I hope you're ok, I hope you manage to find the strength to get away from him.

And there was someone else too and am sorry I can't find the post. But to anyone still in an abusive relationship, hang on to your resolve and please leave. Life can be so difficult at the best of times, but it's never worth staying with someone who is abusive because the only thing they will ever bring is badness to you and your children.

worriedmum28 Mon 14-Oct-13 22:01:21

Ex husband:
1. First weekend away after having 2 children when he told me that normally he'd have to wait 3 months to sleep with a girl, but I'd slept with him first night on meeting him on hol in Greece and I was a slag!
2. Saying my job was a POXY little part time job as a midwife and his was far more important as he dealt with all the computers in Europe ( so important they made him redundant)
3. Not telling my son off for kicking my daughter in head, after telling son dangers of such as friend had been assaulted and had brain injury resulting in ending up on life support, said it was because she smoked.
4. Not telling 7yr old son off for threatening to jump out bedroom window after I grounded him blaming me saying it must have been something I did.
5. Having been at Bonfire barbecue where all the men took off their clothes, getting called a slag at a New Years fancy dress party in front of adults and children, dragged off home for doing the can can dressed as a saloon girl and flashing my bum in a thong. Double standards!

Double 'the deep peace of the selfish'. You hit the nail on the head.

flowers and hugs to those of you still trying to leave. x

Lavenderhoney Mon 14-Oct-13 19:05:48

Nickysmam, you absolutely did the right thing. Your dc and you will be so much happier. Throw away your luggage if you had any, once you have unpacked. Or get your dm to put it somewhere inaccessible.

For me, from a childs pov, Its the small things like being able to read in bed without one ear open for the door and pretending to be asleep.
Its not finding your dm on the sofa most mornings, clearly having been there all night and the stench of lager upstairs, the smell of the loo. Df being hungover and nasty. The atmosphere of misery and having to hide it.

If you started a thread of your own in relationships, you will have so many posters to help you, and offer support. Like many others on this threadsad

KingRollo Mon 14-Oct-13 18:42:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meddie Mon 14-Oct-13 18:38:06

Had been married 4 years. He was a lazy entitled useless waste of space. He tried emotional abuse and gaslighting but I called him on it .I only put up with it because he worked away three quarters of the year and the thought of starting again was holding me back. Then one day the kids were 3&4 and were playing on the floor and he called me from the kitchen and said " can you make that little bitch and little bastard shut up.im trying to watch the telly"
At that moment I knew that even though I could stand up for myself, they couldnt.
I told him to pack a bag and go that moment. To say he was shocked was an understatement. Was the best decision I ever made

CloverkissSparklecheeks Mon 14-Oct-13 15:18:32

There were lots of things that weren't right in our relationship but we were out with his family and his mum was lying about things as usual and I basically said it wasn't true, XHs sister backed me up but he sat there not saying anything. I just looked at him and thought I cannot be with you anymore, within 2 weeks we had split up. I don't know why that moment made me decide but I knew it was over!

Unidentifiedflyingobject Mon 14-Oct-13 15:00:39

Nickysmam - stick with it - you've done absolutely the right thing. Don't ever look back.

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