Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Defining moment that you realised your relationship was over(185 Posts)
As it sounds, really. Not sure if this has been done already but was there something your partner did / said that made you realise it would have to end?
When I realised that I have been sleep walking for the last 7 years, trying to play happy families and totally forgetting about myself- who I am and what I would like to achieve in my life...
I'd had problems with my ex from the start but the defining moment was one night we were staying with his parents, he sat out the back getting stoned with the neighbour, then tried to make me watch formula 1 which I always hated. I went to bed early, he had a massive argument with his drunken arse of a dad and came to bed crying, asking for a hug. I pretended to be asleep and the next morning I told him I was leaving.
Best decision of my life
I put up with a LOT to be with my exH... emotional bullying, alcohol abuse, dreadful behaviour but, thinking about it, it was the day he came home from a meeting in another town and told me he'd met his ex from 12 years earlier on a train. I got such a terrible sinking feeling and, just a few months later, he walked out to be with her.
When my ex called me a c**t at a wedding..a wedding I hadn't wanted to go to because i barely knew the bride and had never met the groom.it was all about show to him
As I stood and watched this drunken mess of a man swearing at me and accusing me of having affairs because I didn't care enough to argue back I realised that he would never care for me as much as he does the alcohol.
I shut down emotionally and 2 years later he told me he couldn't take it anymore...he finally left 7 months ago
BEST THING HE EVER DID!
When my ex cried after being caught shagging around (again) I looked at him straight in the face and thought "God, you look utterly pathetic. And ugly"
That was it
I put up with all sorts of appalling behaviour from him. Then we decided to move in together and rented a place from a friend. She sold us her metal-action sofabed for £30, which he thought was outrageously expensive (tells you all you need to know) and after we'd signed the contracts we took the sofa out to his van. It was pissing down and I recall him shouting at me (in front of her) about something. We then took it to the new house, which was down a very narrow lane, and he had to reverse the damn van down the lane (in the dark, in the rain) with me attempting to direct him. We carried it into the lounge and he dropped it without any warning. I was very lucky that I didn't hurt my back.
He then shut the van door while I was attempting to get in - lucky my hand didn't get caught - and drove off like a madman while I stood there in the rain, wondering what the fuck I had done. When he finally came and picked me up he told me we weren't on the same wavelength. The same fucking wavelength?? Nobody was on his wavelength, he was insane and a nasty bastard with it.
I didn't realise that at that point I was well within my rights to tell him to go fuck himself. I wish I had, because his behaviour only got worse from then on, but that night killed any love I had left for him, and it had been decreasing for quite some time. But I felt obliged to move in with him because I didn't want to let my landlady down. Had I told her what he was like that night, I think she would have told me to run like the wind.
I think I thought moving in together would bring us closer. How utterly, completely wrong I was.
When, fuelled by a dangerous combination of prescription meds and alcohol, he tried to reverse over me in a 4x4 on Christmas Eve.
I rang his parents to remove him from our home, rang my father in floods of tears and then spent the rest of the evening packing Xmas pressies for our sons.
My poor old dad and step mother drove through the night to be with us. We separated after Christmas lunch and I've never looked back.
Mine was realising he'd spent the day watching copious amounts of nasty porn again.
Was a bit of a lightbulb moment though. Glad it didn't drag on endlessly.
One day after years of ea and two affairs etc etc (and having had the light slowly dawning for a while) I sat him down and forced him to admit that he didn't love me any more. The fucking coward had the cheek to say to me 'I still having feelings for you' - as if that was supposed to be enough.
Ny eve watching him down pints after pints with his mates whilst us ladies sat at a table in a small country pub. We all looked at each other at the same time- and burst out laughing with x" wtf am I doing here"
Within 6 months, one had left for her dream job in another part of england- now thats an inpirational lady- the other emigrated to nz, and I found out about his affair with a married woman. Left instantly! Twunt. Actually there were more moments but I steadfastly refused to see them before she rocked up hysterical her dh had found out.
I found the not holding hands whilst walking dogs most poignant on this thread.
This thread is an eye opener. I need to wakeup from my sleepwalk.
Mine was when EXH backhanded me across the face, while shouting "Fucking bitch!" at me.... after 20 years of an abusive marriage that never got any better. Somehow that incident woke me up like nothing before it had. Good thing, too. I've never considered going back.
Nye 2008 I was in a bar with exh who was very un subtlety shoving coke up his nose every 3 minutes. That was one lightbulb of many bit the one I ignored was when his dm was finally breathing her last in icu he refused to cancel a trip to watch sport and go drinking with his dickhead ex forces mates. His sister had to phone him to tell him his mum had finally passed because he refused to be there , for her or his lovely dad / the test of his family. If he reads this he will be on shortly bullshitting about how it was the right thing to do. Yeh whatever you pathetic coward.
Sleeping walking is part of it. there's an anaesthetic that helps you function but also prevents you from leaving.
He STBXH was emotionally and financially abusive. He did many horrible things over the years. Oddly, the straw that broke the camel's back was when he phoned me up to blame me for an admin error on the invoice for DCs nursery fees. He was shouting at me over what was really nothing (again) and I was crying (again). I just had a moment of clarity and thought 'I don't need this. Nobody needs this'. I left the next day.
When, in one of his many tantrums, he hurled a heavy rolled rug across the room and it hit our 2 year old, who fell and bumped her head on the door frame. It was really meant for me, obviously.
When XH threatened me with a hammer. Actually, it was the second time.
When my best mate of 20+ years killed herself, XP refused to support me. Told me that I should pray to God for her soul. And that he was glad she was dead because she was a junkie (she was addicted to drugs).
I think the 'lightbulb moment' for me was in a a relate session (we were trying to repair our marriage after a long period of him being emotionally abusive and me finding out he'd joined MaritalAffair.com).
It was our 7th counselling session. I was really struggling with the counselling. I couldn't understand why he was acting the victim and refusing to take responsibility for his actions...but I loved him and I thought he had some mental health issues so I was trying to figure out how I could help and support him.
Anyway...I had opened up in counselling in week 6 and talked about how I felt (neglected, a little scared, manipulated, used, sad, intimidated).
In week 7 he repeated almost word for word what I had said...but this time it was how he felt. He turned it round so that I was the emotional abuser and he was the victim. I was completely shocked. I realised at that point that he would ALWAYS be the victim and would NEVER take responsibility for anything...
We left that counselling session and for the first time I had the strength to turn away from him and walk in a different direction.
We're now divorced. I'm very happy. He's still the victim (and texts me often to remind me).
Many, many years ago now but when I discovered that I was the OW. He could see me during the week because she was working away and couldn't see me on a weekend cos she was home and not as he claimed because he was working overtime. They didn't live together so there was no sign in his house of a female presence ever when I visited.
I only found out because I went on a training course with a former colleague of his - me and the Twat worked in the same area - and she asked after him and his girlfriend and filled me in on all the details without realising. As awful as it was to hear she did me a massive favour. But the fucker still tried to lie his way out of it. And failed. I felt so utterly stupid and gullible after that. But compared to some experiences here I got off very, very lightly.
when he spat these words at me with a red face and a bulging neck vein:
'you would know if I was on fucking steroids because I would be fucking raging all the time!'
I just let out a low whistle, went home and made my plans to leave him and did so the next day
With my first serious boyfriend (met when I was 15 and he was 20, together for 3.5 years) NYE 1988, in a nightclub with friends, and yet again he accused me of flirting with his mates (I wasn't, I didn't actually even like any of them), and yet again reduced me to tears and ruined the night.
I stood for ages at the edge of the dance-floor, on my own fighting, back tears (I'd been forbidden to approach him FFS), as everyone else kissed and sang at midnight, and thought 'WTAF am I doing with him?
Took me another 4 months to have the courage to break it off with him...but when I did, I did it in kick-ass fashion, and he was utterly distraught...and I couldn't have given a damn
With ex boyfriend, we were sitting in his Mum's garden on a picnic blanket, in the sun and I was just so full of love for him - but when I leant over to kiss him, it was like kissing a statue...just no warmth, no emotion, just emptiness from him, like he'd suddenly become hollow.
Later, he kinda disappeared upstairs, and his Mum told me that he was really tired and had gone to bed (without saying goodbye to me?) - but she couldn't really look me in the eye, and was keen to get me out the house. I knew then something was horribly wrong, but he didn't tell me until the next day that it was over, and broke my heart
With DH (the year before we were married) he'd been going AWOL with a new group of friends - I finally met them, and got a horrible feeling in my stomach. Nice enough people - but I knew they were very bad, bad news...lots of hurtful crap happened over the next few weeks. He stood me up several times...left me abandoned at a friend's 30th party...etc.
Eventually he'd been AWOL all one weekend - I rang his Mum trying to track him down. She barely spoke to speak to me, couldn't get off the phone fast enough (eventhough I was in tears and for that I will never forgive her). He got home, wouldn't apologise, wouldn't explain...I was openly crying, but he wouldn't even put his arm round me.
That night, told me he was happy with how his new life was, and it was up to me if I stayed with him or not, he wasn't sure if he loved me...and he slept on the sofa.
I spent all night in tears, in our bedroom - and thought 'Living like this, is actually worse, than actually being alone.' Packed my bags next morning, and moved out. Hardest thing I've ever had to do, it was beyond agony
Within a week, he was on the phone begging forgiveness - but it was several months before I let him back fully into my life.
When he smacked our two year old son for being naughty so hard he left two hand prints on his bum through his trousers and a nappy, arsehole wasn't left with him by himself again ever and I set things in motion to leave.
Was ironing one evening in the living room, with him sprawled on the sofa watching what he wanted to watch on the TV. I was working shifts, so knackered, managed to burn myself and let out a huge yelp. He didn't stir.
Join the discussion
Please login first.