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My world has just fallen apart...

(113 Posts)

Last week I posted about how my husband had left because he needed space to sort his head out.

He left town yesterday to go away for a few days. I just got a text from him admitting that on Tuesday night he slept with my best friend. She had been putting him up so he could still see DD. I have no reason at all to think anything was going on prior to this. He said they were both drunk, she's been having some problems as well, they had a massive argument, made up, hugged and it happened.

I feel sick. Her DD and my DD are best friends...they talk about each other all day long. I can't believe this has happened...I want to die

Tired today.....it's been very therapeutic writing this thread. Thank-you, you 'orrible lot! grin

Need to get back on my house sorting plan, I was really getting somewhere before all this got dropped on me. I swing from being really motivated to wanting to go back to sleep

I think you're right Rules, I am pretty definite about that. I do still care for him and want him to be OK despite what he's done. Mainly because he needs to be there for DD so I need him together and sorted.

Part of me is quite excited for my future. I've never been a single adult. I'm quite looking forward to only having myself (and DD obviously) to deal with. That's when I'm having a good moment anyway. It is very sad...he was my best friend for 6 years...we were going to take on the world!

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 18:16:09

I actually react to stressful situations in a similar way to you Scarlet, so I understand where you're coming from.

Counselling will help you express your emotions, and it's good that you'll be doing this. Make sure you take time for yourself and don't worry so much about your DH that you lose sight of how you feel and your own recovery.

Take small steps and make sure you go out and do something/visit someone every day.

Feeling a range of emotions is a natural part of grieving for your marriage, so don't worry about that.

Rules Sun 13-Oct-13 18:12:42

Because you feel that you have already made the decision that its over.

Perhaps you're right. I do have anger...I just find it a hard emotion to deal with. And I don't mean that I lash out...I just tend to suppress it. I have an incredibly long fuse.

I am being treated for depression at the moment and I'm on the waiting list for counselling, so hopefully that will help me deal with it better.

Every day is like a rollercoaster...I feel sad, then angry, then positive, then scared and so on. I know I need to keep busy and try not to isolate myself. I tend to do that when my depression rears it's head. It's just never happened when I've lived alone with my child. I need to stay strong and together for her. The normal person who I'd be crying to is the reason I'm crying and that makes it hard to deal with. I'm going to tell my Mum in the next few days and that should help make it seem more real I think.

My way of dealing with crisis is usually to either stick my head in the sand, or become very objective and almost disassociate myself from what's going on to stop myself feeling.

FrancescaBell Sun 13-Oct-13 17:49:37

How I interpret this is that you're still in a state of shock, so the feelings you're experiencing are not yet 'true'. It's less about denying what's happened and being unable to believe it- and more about having an inauthentic response to something very traumatic. The denial phase of bereavement is actually far more complex than our normal association with that word.

It's not unusual in people who've suffered a shock to be very calm and organised in the early days- even appearing to be accepting of the situation they find themselves in despite it being the last thing they wanted to happen. But it's not 'real' and until that phase passes and more authentic emotions start kicking in (such as anger) it means you're in a state of suspended animation.

Why do you say that? I don't know how to feel or deal with it any other way to how I feel now. I wish I could get angry and scream and shout and hate them both but I can't. Does that make me strong? Or numb? Or in denial? I don't feel like I'm denying things, I know what he's done and it feels like a knife through my heart.

He's just left after dropping DD back. It's so bloody hard I wish I didn't give a fuck about him but I do. I can't help it. I think he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He's got an appointment with the crisis team tomorrow at the hospital. In a way I'm kind of hoping they keep him there for a few days, I'm actually really worried about him. I know him and this really doesn't feel like him trying to get sympathy. He seems resigned and despondent. Hopeless. I know he deserves some of that but my reaction to it surprised me. I thought I'd be happy he was so low, but I'm not.

This doesn't effect how I feel about what's happened by the way. I'm not forgiving him for his actions and I'm not trying to justify or explain away the situation, but I don't want to see him like this.

God if I hated him it would be so much easier. The feelings I have towards her are easy (if that's the right word). With him it's so damn complicated.

Rules Sun 13-Oct-13 16:46:10

Hi Scarlet you are either a very strong disciplined lady or you have yet to be really hit by everything.

I actually feel OK now. DH has just come to take DD for a long walk with the dog. We've talked. I really do know for sure nothing's going on between them, or if it was then it's finished now. They don't want anything to do with each other, and this is backed up by people who have seen them both and their reactions to everything.

People can call me a mug, but I know what I know, and it's hard to put that across on here.

Either way though, it doesn't really change anything. I know in my heart of hearts I could never trust him again. I got her wrong...I didn't think she was "that sort" of woman, but as you say, it was a relatively new friendship. We got on so well it was very intense. I do, however, know my husband. He is truly devastated by his actions. He's going to have to live with that though, because I am not going to feel sorry for him. I love him, and I probably always will, but I can't be with him, not now. Even if we tried, he admits he'd always be paranoid I would do it out of revenge, and I'd always be paranoid he'd do it again. We've agreed to just focus all our energy on DD and getting both our heads straight, and leave it at that for now.

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 11:40:20

It may be because you're starting to accept the situation and it's very upsetting. Can you invite family or friends over to spend some time with you, or take DD out for the afternoon?

It will take time to get over this, but you will x

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 11:40:03

It may be because you're starting to accept the situation and it's very upsetting. Can you invite family or friends over to spend some time with you, or take DD out for the afternoon?

It will take time to get over this, but you will x

FrancescaBell Sun 13-Oct-13 11:38:22

Sorry you're feeling this awful, but I think it's understandable. It looks to me as though you have been so determined to be reasonable, fair and trusting of everything that those two have told you, you've forgotten to get angry.

I find the relative brevity of this friendship revealing. It really isn't long enough to know the true character and personality of a friend.

It might be an idea to step outside this situation and see what you'd think looking on.

Because what I see is an age-old triangle that was formed immediately you met her, not a friendship between two women. Your husband was always as involved as you in the relationship with her, from what you say.

I'd have been interested in what posters here would have said if you'd ever started a thread presenting just the facts.

I met a single mum a year ago through a website and straight away, my husband and I got on so well with her, so much so we called ourselves the three musketeers. DH and I have been giving her a lot of individual and separate help coping with the fall-out of her break-up. Now my husband has said he's got suicidal tendencies and wants to leave our relationship to get some breathing space. He's going to stay with our friend.

I hope your anger comes through and you start questioning the way you view these events and how they happened.

I feel like the weather today....dull and shit. I just want to go back to bed, got hardly any sleep.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 13-Oct-13 02:30:12

Er....nothing is wrong with you. There's something wrong with both of them though. Remember that! Xx

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 01:54:44

Nothing is wrong with you, they did this and they must take responsibility. It says nothing about you and everything about them. They honestly don't deserve you.

If drinking is making you feel miserable, please stop and try and get some sleep. Plan a nice day with your DD tomorrow so you have something to look forward to.

In future, you'll meet a new partner and friends. Things will get better flowers.

Ah bollox, now I feel a bit drunk and depressed, Why the fuck did they do this to me? All I've ever done is be supportive and nice and help them both through shit...this is how the repay me. What the fuck is wrong with me?

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 01:18:06

You don't need a man then grin.

That's true...I've got a rabbit upstairs if I get lonely grin

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 23:52:21

You will be fine...biscuits, wine and a duvet...what more does a girl need lol....smile

Thank-you smile

You all keep reminding me I don't have to put up with this and that I'm better than this. I have really low self esteem so it's good to be reminded of these things when I'm feeling low.

It's scary the thought of being single though...I haven't really been single since I was 15...that's half my life! I've never even been on a date!

PerpendicularVince Sat 12-Oct-13 23:35:30

You'll always get support here smile.

Thanks...it doesn't feel like I am snuggled up on the sofa with biscuits, wine and a duvet. This place has saved me!

PerpendicularVince Sat 12-Oct-13 23:05:49

Of course you'll meet someone else, if that's what you decide to do. There'll be plenty of people that you'll connect with, it just doesn't seem like it now because you've had such an emotional upheaval.

Whatever happens with DH, you'll cope. You have a lovely DD and a college course to concentrate on. Whether it was a one off or not it's unacceptable, but you know that and are taking steps to protect yourself. You're doing great.

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 12-Oct-13 23:00:55

So so sorry, I have no advice but will had hold xxx

mignonette Sat 12-Oct-13 23:00:13

I'm sorry to read this Scarlett.

Sending you love and a virtual <<< hug >>>>

And cake.

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