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My world has just fallen apart...

(113 Posts)

Last week I posted about how my husband had left because he needed space to sort his head out.

He left town yesterday to go away for a few days. I just got a text from him admitting that on Tuesday night he slept with my best friend. She had been putting him up so he could still see DD. I have no reason at all to think anything was going on prior to this. He said they were both drunk, she's been having some problems as well, they had a massive argument, made up, hugged and it happened.

I feel sick. Her DD and my DD are best friends...they talk about each other all day long. I can't believe this has happened...I want to die

I know that now AF...I've been kidding myself for a long time. The good stuff outweighed the bad by miles so it seemed worth it....now it doesn't.

I've got issues of my own, I need to sort those out and focus on being the best Mum I can be. DD is all I have now and she's amazing. She deserves a Mum who's happy.

I still miss him though...I keep swinging from anger to despair...I'm guessing that's normal!

PerpendicularVince Fri 11-Oct-13 00:11:35

That's a relief smile. Onwards and upwards.

holstenlips Fri 11-Oct-13 00:14:28

Im so so sorry. How fucking awful. Listen to Anyfucker she is so right. I really hope you get some rl support too. X

Yeah...wine is helping. I know it shouldn't and I won't make a habit of it, but I'm rather glad I had some in the cupboard.

I just text DH and ended it with "anyway I'm going to stop texting as it's not helping. I'm angry and shouting at people isn't going to change that so I'm just going to get drunk and fuck the world"

Dickhead thought I was announcing my intention to go out and fuck everyone in the world hmm

swannylovesu Fri 11-Oct-13 00:21:00

my husband shagged my "best friend" as well...similar situation so i'm wondering if it should be added to "the script". our sons were best friends as well, although they were both 10 so sussed something was up although i've never confirmed it, neither has she as far as i know.

we are still together, it was horrific, painful and i'm still not the same a year later.

i blame them both equally, she knew the ins and outs of my marriage, he decided to shag her when he was pissed instead of fighting for us.

i fought out of sheer bloody mindiness at first, he was mine and no one was having him, then i spent a good 6 weeks despising him, then we started again to rebuild.

i've spoken before about what it takes to get over an affair, its fucking hard...so so hard. some days i stills wonder if its do-able but i do love him as silly as that sounds.

you need to take time to be angry, to work out what YOU want...his wants and needs are not your problem until you decide you want them to be.

good luck op, mumsnet was a haven for me while i was struggling, we are all here if you need us.

Leavenheath Fri 11-Oct-13 00:21:11

Reading this, I think there's a significant risk you'll take him back, you'll believe that he wasn't having an affair with your friend before he left and you'll unite against her and bond in your mutual hatred of her.

I hope I'm wrong and you start to see the wood for the trees.

I don't think that's the case. A one night stand is bad enough. I can never trust him again.

swanny - sorry to hear about your story. Much love xx

Things were wrong with us anyway...this is a response to that. It's making me realise that I can't keep pretending I'm happy. There's a part of him that I love dearly. He's my best friend. But I can't forgive this. He doesn't want me to hate her, he's taken full responsibility saying she was vulnerable and he took advantage. That's irrelevant as well. What's happened has happened...circumstances or whatever.

PerpendicularVince Fri 11-Oct-13 00:26:19

Let your H think what he likes - it's no longer his concern. Try and get some rest tonight and think about the situation in the morning with a clearer head.

You know what's weird...when he first left a week ago, I was devastated...this seems easier somehow. Harder in another way, I think because my friend's involved and now my entire life is going to change and that's scary.

I feel more sure and focused...determined to get through it. This time last week I didn't know how I was going to get off the sofa...let alone do anything else!

PerpendicularVince Fri 11-Oct-13 00:39:15

Probably because the betrayal is so great that you know what you want to do, whereas before there was uncertainty.

You're facing this head on, which shows you're a strong person. Like AF said, this is day 1 of your new life. It may be a life different to how you imagined and scary, but it'll be a good life.

Leavenheath Fri 11-Oct-13 00:46:56

I'm sure things were wrong with your relationship before he left. That would be him having an affair with your friend. FGS don't believe this crock of shite you're being fed about this being a one-off, after a row. It's pure bollocks and an insult to your intelligence. I'm sure the reason he texted you this info was to pave the way to you accepting there's a relationship going on here- and that's why he's protecting your ex-mate too.

Mark my words, the next chapter will be some old story about how they've bonded through their joint loss of you.

What I think is the least likely outcome here is that this bloke will be left with neither of you.

Unfortunately.

We'll see what happens Leavenheath - you may be right, I won't know for sure until it plays out. I hope not as that will be too much to bear.

Leavenheath Fri 11-Oct-13 00:59:27

Yes, wait and see love. I didn't see any other thread but I can't imagine one from a woman whose husband has upped left to 'get space' not hearing from an avalanche of posters suggesting an OW. And here you are.

If your DDs are friends, does that mean you met her for the first time under 2 years ago?

When did things start getting difficult in your marriage?

You can probably see where I'm going with this...

Who knows? Maybe it's all fizzled out as soon as it became 'legit'?

Best thing is to have neither of them in your life but of course you're lumbered with him as a co-parent. I hope too that you aren't lumbered with her as a SM type figure and that this relationship really is over.

But be prepared for not knowing the full truth yet.

There are very valid reasons why he needed space, he has some mental problems he is now getting help with. An OW was never suggested on my other threads, but feel free to have a look if you like, but it doesn't really matter. Knowing what I know about the situation, it would really surprise me if that's what is going on, but you may well be right. If you are, then I'm an even worse judge of character than I thought.

All I care about now is what's best for DD and that is for her to have two happy, healthy, communicating parents, so I need to get my head around that. It's not in me to be a bitch about access, even if they ARE carrying on behind my back. It would hurt like hell, but I'd suck it up if I had to. DD loves her Dad so I'd never stop her seeing him.

Leavenheath Fri 11-Oct-13 01:16:42

No love, I won't look up your thread. I can probably guess the way it went though if some mental health issue was raised- any introduction of that seems to blind folk to the truth that it's still possible to mess around despite being ill. Baffles me, seeing as I've seen umpteen threads on here over the years about depressed men and women having affairs, or depression being 'misdiagnosed' on here when it was an affair all along.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about being a bad judge of character though. You trusted- and I daresay made loads of allowances for his illness. If you think about it, what sort of partner would you have been if you'd jumped to a first conclusion that two people you trusted were plotting against you?

Yes, assuming he's in a fit mental state to parent, best to withdraw now from any discussions about what's gone on and just get on with the divorce. Should be a quickie now you've got written proof of adultery eh?

He will be fit to parent, for sure, I don't have to worry about that. He's a great Dad. He was abused and has been having suicidal thoughts. Doesn't excuse anything, but that was why he was seeking help from the GP and the crisis team. He wanted me to section him but the GP thought it wasn't necessary and he's under close observation while he acclimatises to some medication. I won't allow unsupervised contact until this is resolved and he supports that (in fact he suggested it). I'm not excusing anything, just laying down a bit of the back-story.

You're right. I'm all cried out for tonight I think. Tomorrow is another day and all that. I called a friend earlier and I'm going to hers for a bit tomorrow. She would have come round tonight, but she has children of her own. She's a mutual friend and is totally shocked. It's going to rip our social circle apart but that's not my fault. I've done literally fuck all to deserve this...been chatting to some online friends as well who have really helped. I think I'd have gone mad otherwise. I'd already organised for an old friend to pop round for dinner tomorrow so that'll take my mind off things.

Jan45 Fri 11-Oct-13 12:54:47

Scarlett, so sorry but you will definitely get over this, esp with your lovely daughter with you.

Him and her have lost a very good person from their lives, I hope they both learn from it but actually who cares, they're both as bad as each other. You're so much better that either of them, illness, problems, mental health - whatever it is, it's all just excuses, they're not decent people simple as that.

mirtzapine Fri 11-Oct-13 15:57:28

I'm not one to give advice, my life is falling apart in a totally different way to your's but what i would suggest is find something to occupy your mind with.

Today I've cleaned the house, rung a number of support line, got some good advice. You'll dwell on it but don't let it spin you up to rash decisions.

Try to put as much of it out of your mind as possible

PerpendicularVince Fri 11-Oct-13 16:18:33

How are you feeling today Scarlet?

Thanks for the support last night everyone, you stopped me from going mad. I feel empty today...sad and empty. I've spent the day round a friend's. She's friends with all of us and is so shocked by what has happened. She's invited me out next weekend, so providing DH can have DD then I'm going to go. She's sad as we were a big group of friends which has just had a bomb dropped in the middle of it...She's livid with both of them, but doesn't want to get involved, which is fair enough.

I can't get my head around the fact that this is my life now.

Ledkr Fri 11-Oct-13 17:25:33

What a couple of total cunts!
Don't listen to anymore of their bollocks now just look after you and your dd,
How drunk can you be, in your house? In the week? When your dd is in bed? Nonsense.
Lick your wounds for a bit and then show them your can do nicely without either of them.

lunar1 Fri 11-Oct-13 17:42:09

So sorry this has happened. It's really good that you have told people in rl, you sound so strong.

Ha, I really don't get people saying I'm strong etc, although it's appreciated. I don't feel strong. I really don't. I wish I could just stop loving him. No-one got me like he did, I'd never been able to completely be myself around anyone...but I could with him. I feel like I've lost a limb. If I just hated him it would be easier...but I don't want there to be hate, DD would pick up on it.

weakestlink Fri 11-Oct-13 17:53:48

Twats - both of them.

You sound very strong though - I really admire you x

I have a good friend coming round soon, just put DD to bed. He should cheer me up.

It's funny you know...all day I keep looking at DD and just thinking she is the most beautiful, perfect human being imaginable...I love her more than I ever have today...not sure why. Maybe because it's just the two of us now. She makes me stronger. She's been so good today, I thought it would be harder. She keeps asking for Daddy and OW and her daughter...but that'll get easier I guess. I don't know what to tell her...I keep saying Daddy's on holiday. She's too young to understand anything else. She is my whole world now, and I'm lucky to have her.

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