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How many people in the last six months have discovered/been told that their partner is having an affair?

(48 Posts)
PTFsWife Thu 10-Oct-13 19:40:11

Because every day there seems to be another person coming onto MN saying that they have just found out about their partner having an affair. I find it gobsmacking how many people must be having affairs. And also really interested to know how many of those are ending up separated vs trying to stick together.

So if you are one of the people who has recently discovered that their partner is having an affair/had an affair, sign up here. How far along are you in this merry process? Are you staying together or not or undecided?

I'll start.

Found out a month and a half ago.
We are trying to work it out and stay together. I think we will succeed.
He is doing everything he can to make it work.

wine and thanks to everyone else going through this.

vichill Thu 10-Oct-13 23:29:33

Here here elbombero. women are unbelievably resilient. envy

BitOutOfPractice Thu 10-Oct-13 23:39:08

Oh goodness this thread is just heartbreaking. All of you going through this have my heartfelt sympathies.

I don't count as I'm 10 months in. Confronted him. Walked out and not set eyes on him since. Although he has recently started with the wistful texts confused

RollerCola Fri 11-Oct-13 06:48:54

3 months ago my h & I decided to separate after 5 years of unhappiness. He was particularly keen to keep it amicable & to stay 'friends'. There was no-one else involved, we'd just grown apart etc etc

The day before he moved out I found out he'd been texting & calling another woman, telling her he loved her, & planning for her to stay at his new flat 2 days later. Turns out it had been going on for ages. And it wasn't the first time hmm

I've now filed for divorce & feel like an enormous weight has lifted off my head. I'm looking forward to a wonderful new life without him!

He, on the other hand, rings me & comes round almost every day...

Panthering Fri 11-Oct-13 06:55:29

Hats off to you for working it through... Hang in there

Lucca22 Fri 11-Oct-13 08:53:43

It happens, didn't realise how much until one day the 'I don't liove you' bit was said. It's all about them and their needs so don't take it personally, if that's in their make up then be thankful they are no longer around. I have a young son who acts more grown up than his dad, it's one of those 'crap, what was I thinking of when I married him' moments. I for one thought our marriage would mature and get better with the years, that was never on the cards because basically I married a self righteous barsteward.

mrsmciver Fri 11-Oct-13 09:12:56

I am 6 months down the line. Had a breakdown after I discovered he was sending e-mails of a sexual nature to ow he worked with. He left saying that something must have been very wrong with us for him to have done that. Since then it has been a struggle, and he wanted me charged with theft after some of his old clothes from the attic were binned. And that is only the half of it. But lately....something has changed, I am feeling a lot different, don't miss him and I am now free to say what I want when I want, as I was always too wary of his moods and temper before to do that.
My counsellor says he is a narcissist.
His grown up daughters want and have nothing to do with him or his family now because of how they have behaved.

FlirtyGurty Fri 11-Oct-13 09:22:13

I think affairs happen hell of alot more than people think. I dont speak from any personal experience but in the last 6 months I have heard of 5 people living with the after affects of an affair. 3 are quite good friends who are currently dealing wit the aftermath.
I also have 2 friends that have confided in me they are having affairs . I dont consider myself to have lots and lots of friends - so thats 5 people in a fairly small circle being cheated or cheating. I now find myself thinking that there probably are others I know that have been affected/having affairs that I just dont know about.

Until about a year ago I was quite niave and thought affairs were something quite rare that happen to other people but I dont know if its an age thing or just the way life is but recently I seem to surrounded by affair chat amongst my friends. We are all around age 40 and midlife crisis is something being bound about on both sides (the victims of affairs and the people having affairs).

I really do think until you or someone very close to you is affected by an affair you can easily think its something a bit smutty that happens to other people but I am beginning to think its very very common. I have become a bit cynical recently and find myself looking at even happy couples thinking I wonder if he has or she has?? sad

As for my 2 friends having affairs - I am shocked. 1 particuarly I would never ever have thought she would do such a thing. The other I can kind of see how it and why it came about BUT I dont condone it and it is affecting our friendship because I know she now avoids me at times because she has sensed I dont approve.

My 3 other dear friends are at varying stages of coming to terms with their new lives they have been thrust into. Only 1 is going to give her husband a 2nd chance but is still in turmoil.

One thing for sure is that every person I have ever known to have been cheated on by a long term partner or husband has said the pretty much same thing "I really didnt ever think he was like that", "I didnt think he could ever do such a thing", "I trusted him implicitly". Its so sad and just goes to show that amongst all the other shock and grief of dealing with the revelation of an affair is the also coming to terms that your partner in life is not actually the person you thought they were. You only have to read some threads on here and there are women that swear blind that they know their husband would NEVER EVER cheat on them and these comments sit next to threads with opening lines of "I cannot believe I am posting here because I never thought this would happen to me/us but I think/know/just found out my DH is having an affair...."

My heart goes out to all of you living through this trauma at the moment. You will get through it - it just takes time.

saferniche Fri 11-Oct-13 10:22:45

wise post FlirtyGurty I believe you're right - it's very common. And as we're 40, 50.. people get bored, they panic about their age, if this is all there is (and surely an adventure won't hurt) and there's curiosity too. Everyone else is doing it - then there's an opportunity - my partner won't find out, it's just a bit of fun.. but for most people it doesn't turn out to be fun at all. It's a wrecking-ball.

I think the facts are that anyone can cheat and he often didn't think he was like that either. Or she.

My heart goes out to all of you too. I recently heard (BBC) that there's been a hardening of attitudes towards infidelity (although that doesn't mean it's happening less). Fiction might glamourise but the reality is far less interesting and more squalid. And the children are not all right. We need to talk about infidelity more, earlier and honestly and we need better support for its victims.

StartWhereYouStand Fri 11-Oct-13 12:03:01

Well I can join this thread sad

Had the 'i don't love you anymore' talk from STBXH 5 months ago. Been together 17 yrs, married for 13. Limped along trying counselling to fix things. Spent several weeks trying to change myself into someone else and thinking it was all fixable - then he revealed in counselling that he had had an affair for a year 5 yrs ago when youngest DD was 18mths old.

Our relationship to me had been great. Totally didn't see it coming at all. He showed no remorse, didn't say he was sorry, trotted out all the stuff (that I now realise is total textbook script) about how he never loved me, shouldn't have married me, couldn't remember any good times with me, never been compatible, his affair was amazing and felt things he had never felt with me, how he could replace me easily etc etc. This was now his time to be happy - he wasn't sure he could stay with me any longer.

Words can't explain how I felt. I felt physical pain. Stopped eating. Generally everything shutdown. Told only my best friend and my parents at first and without their help in those first few weeks I really would not be still here. Eventually after another 4 weeks of being told how crap I was and him 'trying to decide if he could love me again' (even though he had the affair FFS) I woke up from the fog; I filed for divorce and chucked him out.

As soon as I told everyone we were splitting I really felt the love from everyone I knew. Telling our two DDs (7&9) was the worst part but they were much more accepting than I would have imagined. THat's not to say things haven't been bloody awful since he left but slowly I am having more good days than bad days. Still have plenty of sleepless nights and nights crying down the phone to my Mum. I am grieving for my previous life and worrying about everything in the future but I know deep down we will survive.

Anyone going through this needs as much support as possible and plenty of brew + wine + cake + flowers. Do whatever you need to to survive and then claw back the bits of your life a little at a time.

I am told that time will heal, indeed, my current username comes from a poem someone gave to me which basically says just go from here and look forward. Wise words but soooo hard to do xx

ShakeItOut Fri 11-Oct-13 13:19:56

About a week here and I am not looking back! I too never thought he had it in him, but I don't think that makes me a fool for trusting him, it made me a good wife who was loyal and loving above all, even in the dark times. He is the tosser who has thrown everything away. He will have to live with himself for the rest of his life, because I sure as hell don't have to anymore! I am coming to see it as a blessing in disguise.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 11-Oct-13 17:24:59

What I think about is how much easier it is for infidelity to occur now.

Many moons ago if someone wanted to be unfaithful they had to go out and actually have an affair.

Nowadays all someone has to do is get a mobile number or turn on the computer. It's all so much easier with all the technology available to help them do it.

I'm hearing more and more of emotional affairs and infidelity via dating sites for example. And even though there are no physical aspects (in some cases) it hurts just as much.

weakestlink Fri 11-Oct-13 17:38:13

4 weeks since I found text messages, photo messages & evidence of frequent phone calls.

Have a 3 month old baby & 2 other young DC.

Still undecided on what to do...

'D'H completely repentant and doing everything he can but can't help thinking its too little, too late.

I think it's more common than ppl think. And these are only the affairs that have been discovered / admitted to.

maleview70 Fri 11-Oct-13 18:35:59

Happy go lucky girl- you say that but years ago affairs were just as rife as they are now. I know my mum had an affair and I'm pretty sure my dad did too. I also know that parents of my friends did too. Often this would be with a work colleague, a friend of the husband/wife or someone from the local pub. My friends dad had an affair with the barmaid from his local amongst others. No mobiles, no Internet, no car half the time!

Nowadays it is much easier with help of mobiles and Internet sites. There are even sites for married people to seek out a partner.

My first wife had an affair but looking back I really dont blame her as I was giving her no attention at the time and hadn't been for some time. At the time I was furious, hurt
and shocked that she could do that to me.

As I get older I agree with the notion that for many it is the realisation that life is passing them by, that they want one last chance to show they are still attractive etc....problem is people fall in love and what starts as a physical need turns into an emotional one.

The worse thing is for every one that gets discovered there will be more that don't, whether they be one night stands or full relationships.

I know of many men who have taken the opportunity for no other reason than it presented itself. All are
Still married, all their wives are oblivious.

Sometimes maybe it is better not knowing.....

holstenlips Fri 11-Oct-13 21:11:00

Surely there must be some people who stay faithful to each other come what may? Im so hoping there are. Im 43 and although it didnt matter so much to me in the past it now does.

knickyknocks Sat 12-Oct-13 10:12:06

I'm 3 week's post finding out DH had used dating sites 4 years ago to exchange sexual fantasies with several women, and more recently that he met with someone in RL and did intimate things with her.

We've already had a couple of sessions at relate and there have been many tears. DH full of remorse and is starting to 'get' his much hurt this has caused and how much damage it has,done to our relationship. He understands that it falls on him to prove his trust again. Have told him I can't guarantee we'll get through this, but for now I'm willing to try. He says very honestly that he wanted attention and that was one of the reasons he contacted the women. We have a 4 year old and 6 month old.

Agree with comments upthread, always believed DH would never be unfaithful and it's broken my heart that I was so wrong. I feel anger that I was that naive to believe he was different. Lots for us to work through yet. It will take months, years to get through this (if ever...)

intheduskwiththelightbehindher Sat 12-Oct-13 17:28:34

3 months since i confronted him, 6 months since I became suspicious. Still can't get him to open up fully, though I have come home several times this week to find tea on the table and the washing done. Not being hoovered back in though.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher Sat 12-Oct-13 17:32:45

And yes, we are working through it.

FelineSad Sun 13-Oct-13 11:52:53

Nearly six weeks since I found out he's been having an affair (which all indications were that it was in very early stages). Found out by accident and he walked. Had all the usual crap. He only stayed with me for the boys. Never really loved me blah blah blah etc etc. In fact his reasons for his dissatisfaction with me were so mundanely banal it was clear he was scrabbling for reasons and really underlined to me that it was about me at all. He just wanted a bit of excitement and to shag elsewhere.

OW is married (she did tell her husband several months ago that she wanted to separate but claimed no one else involved). She also lives 2 hours away still with her ex husband so ex sees her every few weeks in a hotel. Classy.

I have been given no choice re reconciliation however I think ex had kidded himself he had no feelings for me and I don't things are as clear cut now for him as he had told himself.

Not sure if I want him back. He really has been a selfish shit.

batterylow Sun 13-Oct-13 21:42:25

Me. June tenth my "d"h told me he had slept with a woman from work, twice unprotected. He felt I hated him and felt rejected bla bla. Lots of counselling happening for us both and I have had two flings since which I know isn't the best thing to do but sort of helped in a bizarre way. Still devastated . Still don't know what will happen long term. I have a child with sn and a baby and I don't think it would help anyone right now if we separate but it is so painful every day. He is sorry to the point of getting quite ill but then I think part of that is becAuse he has had to deal with me being unfaithful too now. It still feels like my life is over as I feel so trapped and it seems such a long time till things could start improving.

leavingthebastard Sun 13-Oct-13 23:40:31

6 months since my mum died. 3 months since I discovered his freshly made dating profiles. 2 months since he propositioned an ex. 1 week since I discovered his penchant for live sex webcams and porn of a particularly nasty kind. 1 day since I discovered he has met up with aforementioned ex for an evening and has at the very least kissed her.

Every day brings some new hilarity. I have thrown him out today. But we are still going to Relate this week.

meganannachristie Sat 19-Oct-13 22:08:30

its been two months since i found out my OH cheated on me...with my friend...while I lay upstairs asleep after his birthday night out (bit worse for wear). they didnt sleep together but still.

I havnt spoke to her or any of 'that group' of 'friends' since as they took her side as she is telling everyone a completely different story than she told me and making herself look like an innocent party who was just a bit naive.

we have 2 DS under two, trying to work it out.
I am INSANELY paranoid and now have really bad rage issues.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 20-Oct-13 12:52:29

Oh lord this thread is enough to make you weep. I'm so sorry you are all going through this and I wish you strength and wisdom to get through this. And I sincerely hope karma comes and bites these selfish lying twats hard on the arse

Dawn1609 Sun 20-Oct-13 16:28:00

Over a year and still in same messed up place he leaves then comes back leaves come back says he doesn't know how he feels and that he just wishes he never cheated the other woman just had his baby !!! And he says he doesn't want to be with her but won't give her up says he can't survive without me but won't do what's needed for us to work I know he wants to have his cake and eat it and me and her are both making it easy for him bit just don't know what to do ��

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