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How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

(585 Posts)
redundantandbitter Wed 09-Oct-13 23:28:23

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

JaceyBee Wed 16-Oct-13 22:30:40

He's studying to be a hypnotherapist? Does that mean he and yoga lady are doing a chrysalis counselling course? If so, they'll be lucky to earn much of a living as therapists. BACP won't accredit those courses or those who have trained on them coz they're not reflective enough, don't insist on personal therapy ( an absolute must IMO) and are generally substandard in every way.

So, the post I wrote in your last thread about the trauma bonding of therapy training may no longer stand, as this isn't really proper therapy training (no offence to any chrysalis counsellors out there!)

CinemaNoir Wed 16-Oct-13 22:31:29

Am really sorry I have nothing more positive to say but it looks like it is time to unfollow his friends on twitter.. Any news of him and thoughts about him will make you feel worse. Don't even spend an ounce of energy speculating if he's keeping her quiet. That doesn't concern you and your life. Even though he is an ex. He is an ex and therefore he should be in your past really.

But it has only been two weeks so obviously youre still cur up about it... so give yourself a couple of days of pity party if you haven't already and then. Let. Go. You can do this, it will make you stronger!!

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 22:41:54

I hear you... But I feel set back now.. It's actually nearly 5 weeks since he Told me and I feel like I have lost that time. I guess it's coz I've never actually been dumped before. I always ended relationships and I have certainly never experienced still being in love and sexually attracted to a man who says he's found a strong spiritual connection with another woman - who quite frankly, is the same age as me (wrong side of 40) and a single parent with 2 Dc's. just like me. Argh. Ok, I am going round in circles..sorry. The course he is going on (already started) is at a big famous hospital
In my area. He likes the kudos. Yoga lady had already done the course so I guess she has been 'supportive and encouraging' . I reckon no amount of self analysis would help him. He thinks he's the bees knees and really 'in touch'
- I know it's a bag of shite but it makes me feel a bit empty and question if I'm shallow. We liked vintage retro stuff, getting our hair quiffed up and dancing to the stone roses... Now it's all Krishna this and beads. Huh???

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 22:45:05

jacey when he started waffling on about the course I suggested he wait a year and 'get himself more sorted' which was my polite way of saying get some therapy! But no, he's charged ahead AND decided that a crappily ended relationship would be the thing to do right now. Thing is I would have supported him through it like the sap I am.

JaceyBee Wed 16-Oct-13 22:47:14

Ok well that's interesting because the NHS currently does not fund hypnotherapy because it's aloadof--old--bollocks not in the NICE guidelines as proven to be effective.

Still never mind, not your problem what he does now, the twazzock!

JaceyBee Wed 16-Oct-13 22:47:55

Ha, my first attempt at a strike through! Fail!

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 22:50:16

Hmm well I can't really answer that. Only got the scant information I was given my him. He's already planned how to pay for it, applied for the leave and got himself a provisional place. I was the last to know... Says something doesn't it.

JaceyBee Wed 16-Oct-13 23:39:26

Aww honey, you're not shallow! Why would you think that? It sounds as though he doesn't have much of a secure sense of identity and flits from one way of being to another without ever discovering who he is and what will make him happy.

I would actually agree with the counsellor that it is highly unlikely things will work out with yoga lady, in fact he'll probably decide his next true calling is as a performer in a travelling circus or something and piss off with a trapeze artist!

Point is, this kind of person (and they are just as likely to be women) will never really make their partner happy because they themselves are not happy. They're kind of like, a hollow Easter egg with no bag of sweets inside. Trying to find someone to fill the void but not realising that what they lack cannot be found in another but that they need to do some serious work on themselves, which is nowhere near as appealing as throwing their lot in with the next 'big thing'.

Fwiw you sound bloody lovely and I am sure you will be absolutely fine smile

redundantandbitter Thu 17-Oct-13 08:27:05

I know it's a mean thing to say but I hope you're right jacey. I hope she susses him out for being a bit if a charlatan and a bit hollow. I hope he gets hurt like this and doesn't hurt her. She doesn't deserve pain. I really can't best to think that she's his 'one' and they end up getting married. We always supporters each other such a lot- knew so much about each others lives and past. He has but it all off for stranger - but I guess he did that to his wife too. I am still so in love. I am shallow. Just a mum, running round , juggling, brushing kids teeth etc. while he can do yoga and meditate. Who wants a busy crappy mum?

JaceyBee Thu 17-Oct-13 16:19:42

She's a mum too isn't she? Or did I get that wrong? It doesn't matter how spiritual you are, there's still homework and tantrums and cleaning the bogs etc to do. Sounds like he's chasing a fantasy.

redundantandbitter Thu 17-Oct-13 18:35:50

Yes, she is a single mum of two (12 & 6) .. I can't help thinking he's seen the 'camp' side of her and real life will be .. Well, real. School, money, work etc. my counsellor just told me that maybe he thinks she has something 'extra'. But I just think she has something different and that she will be lacking in other areas. No one person can be amazing in all departments. I hope he realises what he's lost. I want him to feel this pain. Maybe she'll dump him for being hollow . BTW I liked the hollow egg thought . So down now. Having to talk in relate always makes me think of our great sex life and happy happy times over the summer. I SOOO didn't
See this coming and neither did he. So disappointed that he's been distracted . Oh, bloody crying again now ...sorry

BitOutOfPractice Fri 18-Oct-13 09:15:08

I am relating a lot to the things you and others are saying about beadboy here about my ex. I also had what I thought was a happy fulfilled relationship with him. We were madly in love. But that wasn't enough for him. He was restless. Looking for the next move. The next place to live. The next woman.

At least you can console yourself that he will never be truly happy or settled. He will never find that peace, no matter how hard he looks or what woo or hippy stuff he tries. Because he is, in his inner core, a selfish fucker.

redundantandbitter Fri 18-Oct-13 10:01:37

Beadboy! I like. Having a terrible day, no sleep, counselling yesterday. Feel like its pain I am due/owed because I was the ow and now he's left me for yoga lady. So my pain isn't the same. Sorry

redundantandbitter Fri 18-Oct-13 10:04:42

bitoutofpractice and did he keep
Moving on.., I am
Fully NC. Though a nice friend of his tweeted to tell me how he thought it was sad that he'd left me and all this spiritual
Stuff is all bollocks. That upset me. I do picture the man I loved as gone/changed and some hippy dippy yoga twat in his place- tell myself that I wouldn't recognise him now.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 18-Oct-13 14:02:47

Op I have no idea if he's still with his ow or even what country he lives in now. Not seen or spoken to him since the day I went and confronted him about the unbelievable shit I had found out about him.

He did text me last week saying he missed me and was listening to our songs and thinking of me. My eyes nearly rolled out of my head. I didn't reply because I no longer give a tiny rat's ass about him. And you will get to that point too. I promise.

OvertiredandConfused Fri 18-Oct-13 14:12:50

I have stayed friends was a couple of exes but not ones that dumped me, and nor would I want to. Both were good relationships of a 2-3 years that just ran their course as our lives changed in our 20s. No betrayal or abuse, just sad realisation that we wanted different things or had different outlooks.

redundantandbitter Fri 18-Oct-13 14:31:33

bitoutofpractice god, I have a lot to learn. I just didn't know this sort of thing went on, how much hurt people were struggling with. I have seen so much of it on MN in the past few weeks. How long ago did you leave your man? Can't believe he contacted you.

I think I panicked and 'wanted to stay friends' . Yeah.... No! It would break my heart to see his face again. No contact is the way forward - I am just so consumed with the mourning for something lost. For the record neither of us knew anyone that had embarked on an affair. It was frightening, stressful and painful. For me anyway. I hated the depths to which I sank . I wasn't a clever smug OW that I read described on so many threads. I was a stupid devoted puppy, hanging around like a twat.

Where were you all when I was at such a low ebb 4 years ago that I let this man into my life. I am
Sure you could have talked some sense into me. Saved me such a lot of heartache.

jacey how come some people learn and realise the extent of their actions? I am simply not the same person I was - and others (like him) just roll out the same shit excuses and riddles and move on to the next shiny thing.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 19-Oct-13 09:21:12

Last time I clapped eyes on him was January this year. It's still such early days for you and you'll still have some slips I'm sure. But you will start to emerge from the fog soon and the good days will outweigh the bad. I know that all sounds so clichéd but they are clichés because there's truth in there.

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 10:23:15

Jesus! Was lying in bed trying to visualise myself as a photo in a newspaper and was cutting myself out with a big sharp pair of scissors... Trying to detach from him - but now I feel wobbly and my legs are weird and I'm utterly churned and feeling bloody awful. Why why why does it feel like this? Think I may be on the cusp if asking GP if anti d's would be useful but I am extremely bothered about becoming fuggy headed like my exp did when self harming - he couldn't remember what day it was - and I have to remain sharp, kids, jobs etc. do they work? Will they make this endless f***ing pain leses?? Off to cry in the shower . I really miss him and want to talk to him more than anything .

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 10:26:15

Apologies for the post... I feel like I've been run over by a bus and would do anything to feel his arms around me.

cactuscantina Sun 20-Oct-13 12:02:59

I am saying this not to be cruel as I know the feeling you have and it is just awful.

But the reality is he is not worth having back and whether you mope about/take anti depressants/cry whatever, or if you say to your self fuck him and try to look after yourself the outcome will be the same.

ie he might walk back in the door and beg his return or you may never see him again.

Either way isn't it better to focus on your self think what you want what makes you happy and then whatever of the above scenario's happen you will be in a better position to deal with it.

you really can do it and survive this! it really doesn't sound like he will though. (and that by the way is his problem and NOT yours)

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 12:13:07

Thank you... Things are getting in top of me.. I have to Make a cake with the kids..my brother is coming in an hour... My dog is self harming and Yesterdsy was I
An ok day but today is terrible and I want to just hide under the kitchen table. How could he do such a twatty thing to me knowing I will feel so utterly devastated. It's totally affecting every part if my waking day and my nights are spent unlnowingly dreaming of someone snuggled up to me in bed. I feel like its 1 step forwards and 2 steps back . I am sick of crying. I want to wake up from this very bad dream .

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 12:49:05

Hence shit typing

BitOutOfPractice Sun 20-Oct-13 12:50:37

Oh you poor thing hmm it's so fucking miserable isn't it? The pain is agonising and it truly does feel like it will never end. The future just seems to stretch ahead like a bleak desert.

But it will end. It will. I promise. You just have to survive it at the moment. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Then one day you'll feel ok. Not great but ok. And those days will happen more often. And then one day you'll feel good. Then great. And you'll realise you're getting over him.

It's still such early days for you. Go easy on yourself.

The truth about him is that you long to feel the arms of the man you love around you. But that man doesn't exist any more. It turns out he's a selfish, delusional, lying fuckbadger. Would you want the arms of a selfish, delusional, lying fuckbadger round you? No!

Try and distract yourself with the kids and your brother. You are doing great and you will get there in the end

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 13:02:57

Hiding in the bathroom sobbing

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