Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP texting his ex..

(63 Posts)
Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 18:52:06

Have name changed as didn’t want other posts linked to this. I’ve lurked and posted on many thread in relationships, and now really need some advice on my own relationship.

I’ve only been with my dp four months, and we’ve had quite a lot of ups and downs already. We have amazing chemistry, get on really well, and see a future sometime in the future, but we also have some really serious problems.

I have suffered from depression/anxiety and so can get upset, go quiet, don’t talk, and generally need a bit of support. I also had quite a bad childhood, and therefore get scared in arguments easily and flinch and shut down if there’s any sign of aggression.

My dh also had a difficult childhood. His parents were very controlling and still are now, and treated him very badly. He now avoids confrontation at all costs, and will get extremely defensive and be unable to understand my point of view if anything even gets slightly confrontational. He also had a very controlling girlfriend in the past who wouldn’t let him see other women, would be on his facebook/texts all the time. He was with her for 4 years.

Before he met me, he was seeing a woman for about a year. They were going on dates etc, talked a lot, for a long time, though were never ‘official’. When we got together, he told her about me, she got a bit funny about it and then started talking to him more - she then admitted she was talking to him more now as she was jealous of me. Since then, she’s done things like text at 3am asking if he’s out, and that she misses him etc. I said the fact that they talk makes me very uncomfortable, and he promised me that he wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

Now I find out he carried on texting her. I snooped on his phone this morning as I saw her name pop up a few days ago, and I had to know what was going on. I know I shouldn’t have done but I didn’t want to be treated like a fool. I thought he’d lie about it if I asked him outright (and I was right). The texts they sent started at the end of September (I don’t know how long before that as he’d deleted them). I asked after I’d snooped whether they still talked, he said no. I then told him what I’d found. The texts were initiated by him quite a few of the times, asking ‘how are you?’ etc. The messages didn’t seem romantic but there were a lot of them. They made no mention of me whatsoever – even mentioned things we’d done together but no mention that he’d done them with me. He was planning to see her in Manchester when they both have a conference up there for a week. She’s also just moved to another city, and sent a text saying ‘sorry I didn’t say bye to you in the end, I was too upset’.

When I first asked if he was texting her still, he sent me a screenshot of all his texts menu, showing no texts apart from three people. Isn't it a bit of a coincidence that he deleted most of his conversations half an hour after I asked if they were still talking? (He didn't know that I had definitely snooped at this point, so presumedly was trying to pretend they didn't text).

He says today that he was texting her because he hated feeling controlled and thought it was like in his first relationship, when he felt completely controlled. I understand this, but wished he could have talked to me about it instead of going behind my back. If I didn’t snoop I have know idea how long it would have gone on for.

I feel devastated that he’s broken a promise like this and kept something from me that he knew I’d feel hurt by.

How bad is this? I feel like I can’t trust him at all, but I’ve completely fallen for him. If it’s just his impulse not to be controlled, I could deal with that eventually, but I just don’t know how to make peace with the lying and keeping it from me. He said he’ll do anything to help me trust him again and says he’s so sorry (after an hour of talking where he minimised and didn’t really say sorry.)

I think this has been really long, sorry. I’d be really grateful for any advice, even though I know this isn’t nearly as bad as some posters’ experience on here… thank you

WinkyWinkola Thu 10-Oct-13 06:44:14

You should be having a real laugh at this stage.

Smitten and starry eyed with each other.

This sounds shite.

Why would you stay in this boring, tormented relationship?

He sounds like a prize manipulator as well. Stringing you both along.

He's not a catch and he's certainly not right for you.

It just shouldn't be such a struggle at this early stage

Have some fun for goodness sake

Leverette Thu 10-Oct-13 06:45:40

This is a mutually abusive mess IMO. Four months in and it's like this?! It honestly sounds like neither of you are in enough shape to function in a relationship right now, let alone with eachother.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 10-Oct-13 07:01:20

Op can I ask again what kind of things you've been rowing about?

No trust - no relationship.

You certainly learnt a lot of damaging stuff about relationships when growing up and unsurprisingly all that is being carried forward into your adult life now. It will remain the case unless you yourself work on you and deal properly with your own issues to date.

The respondent who called you codependent is right.

He was never your project either to rescue and or save. Love your own self for a change, I do not think you ever have.

A few sessions of psychotherapy on his part is in no way going to undo all the stuff he has learnt to date. He will need years of therapy and even then it is likely that he will not attend more than a couple of sessions anyway.

You're both damaged by your past experiences and are thus driven by the great highs and crushing lows. Its the drama and attention you both crave (it becomes addictive) but this is clearly not what a relationship should be like only 4 months in.

I do not think that either you or he actually know what a normal healthy relationship actually is. I do not think also that either of you have ever known what a loving relationship is truly like so you won't get that with each other now.

Do yourself a favour and separate from this individual now before you further mess up your own life. The only thing you really have in common is your damaged upbringings and both of you simply put are acting out your issues within this. You cannot use each other to fix your own selves and clearly he does not want either your so called help or support. You are too close to the situation to be of any use to him.

amber381 Thu 10-Oct-13 07:55:54

I agree with what most people are saying here. Fairly early on in my relationship with dh, an ex of mine called me for a chat, I was completely open about it to my then quite new bf, he told me he wasn't really comfortable with me speaking to this ex. I knew I would feel the same way if he did that so that was it, I never spoke to this ex again. Ever. It was not hard, I cared about my new bf, not some ex who may still have feelings for me or may just want to be friends.

If your bf is not able to do the same for you I don't think he is worth your time or energy.

Whocansay Thu 10-Oct-13 08:20:03

I can't understand why you think that going through 'lots of ups and downs' after 4 months is a good sign?

And I haven't been 'dating' for a very long time, but is it really acceptable to go searching through others people's private correspondence now?

All you found was friendly conversation. You found NOTHING to suggest anything untoward. But you feel he's the 'bad guy' here. You have no trust and there is no relationship.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 10-Oct-13 09:45:43

I take the points about snooping being wrong and banning friends being controlling, as indeed they are in most circumstances, BUT I think I would be a bit inclined to drop a friend myself if they thought texting at 3am was acceptable, and would definitely be a bit cheesed off with a partner who felt obliged to answer said text while we were in bed together.

Wellwobbly Thu 10-Oct-13 09:53:16

I want to help so we can move forward together, - CODEPENDENT RED FLAG

OP, you CANNOT help another person. You can't. He is giving you strong hints you can't, by talking about 'controlling' whilst doing things to hurt YOU.

Give up, let go, and run. Seriously, run. Work on yourself, and ask yourself why such an unhealthy person 'speaks' to you.

Just in case you haven't got it yet, he IS going to hurt you and make you unhappy. And there is not a thing you, your good intentions and your love can to to change that. Because this isn't you, it is HIM. And you wanting to 'change/help/heal/improve' him isn't about him, its about YOU.

NothingsLeft Thu 10-Oct-13 10:22:54

Two unresolved crap childhoods will lead to misery and heartache. It has already led to lots of ups and downs by four months and having some really serious problems - your words.

I speak from experience on this one.
It really doesn't matter how well you get on, how much you have in common, how similar your outlooks/values are, it will not be enough. There are deep rooted issues here.

I know its hard but forget about him, just concentrate on sorting yourself out. Read the book recommendations, invest in some good therapy. This relationship will write years off your life and it will all have been for nothing.

I wish I had MN when I was in this situation. Honestly, take the advice.

Jan45 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:08:31

Ups and downs in four months-that just isn't right. If you want to stay with him then you're probably depriving yourself of a much healthier relationship with someone, where, after four months, there's no ups and downs, because, there shouldn't be any, there should be lots of laughter and adventures.

You can't even trust him to tell you the truth.

If you feel you're not worthy and any scrap of a relationship will do then perhaps it's more about you focusing on your self worth and self esteem and getting help for that.

Wellwobbly Thu 10-Oct-13 13:02:26

The other serious warning I want to give you, is the one you are overlooking:

and that is, he is keeping you whilst contacting his ex (and refusing to see what is wrong with that, or stopping it).

The only person who is capable of doing things to suit them, whilst not caring about the hurt or feelings of the person they are hurting, LACKS EMPATHY.

What sort of person is incapable of imagining what it is like in another's shoes?

Do you want to be attached to someone who doesn't know or care what it is like to be and feel, you?

humphryscorner Thu 10-Oct-13 13:06:46

op hope your feeling better today-

There is lots of good advice on here, just ignore the sarcastic comments they can't help them selfs !

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 17:24:04

Sorry I haven't replied much, I just feel completely worn down by this and also haven't been free to reply. I know I can't help him or do it for him. He had his first therapy appointment today. I told him it's nothing to do with me and he has to sort this out by himself. I won't tell him who he can and can't speak with (though I didn't actually ban him before), but I'm going to distance myself for a while and focus on myself whilst he tries to work through his issues. I don't know if we'll get back together.Most of the posts here have really helped, and forced me to see things for how serious they really are. So thank you very much

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now