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DP texting his ex..

(63 Posts)
Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 18:52:06

Have name changed as didn’t want other posts linked to this. I’ve lurked and posted on many thread in relationships, and now really need some advice on my own relationship.

I’ve only been with my dp four months, and we’ve had quite a lot of ups and downs already. We have amazing chemistry, get on really well, and see a future sometime in the future, but we also have some really serious problems.

I have suffered from depression/anxiety and so can get upset, go quiet, don’t talk, and generally need a bit of support. I also had quite a bad childhood, and therefore get scared in arguments easily and flinch and shut down if there’s any sign of aggression.

My dh also had a difficult childhood. His parents were very controlling and still are now, and treated him very badly. He now avoids confrontation at all costs, and will get extremely defensive and be unable to understand my point of view if anything even gets slightly confrontational. He also had a very controlling girlfriend in the past who wouldn’t let him see other women, would be on his facebook/texts all the time. He was with her for 4 years.

Before he met me, he was seeing a woman for about a year. They were going on dates etc, talked a lot, for a long time, though were never ‘official’. When we got together, he told her about me, she got a bit funny about it and then started talking to him more - she then admitted she was talking to him more now as she was jealous of me. Since then, she’s done things like text at 3am asking if he’s out, and that she misses him etc. I said the fact that they talk makes me very uncomfortable, and he promised me that he wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

Now I find out he carried on texting her. I snooped on his phone this morning as I saw her name pop up a few days ago, and I had to know what was going on. I know I shouldn’t have done but I didn’t want to be treated like a fool. I thought he’d lie about it if I asked him outright (and I was right). The texts they sent started at the end of September (I don’t know how long before that as he’d deleted them). I asked after I’d snooped whether they still talked, he said no. I then told him what I’d found. The texts were initiated by him quite a few of the times, asking ‘how are you?’ etc. The messages didn’t seem romantic but there were a lot of them. They made no mention of me whatsoever – even mentioned things we’d done together but no mention that he’d done them with me. He was planning to see her in Manchester when they both have a conference up there for a week. She’s also just moved to another city, and sent a text saying ‘sorry I didn’t say bye to you in the end, I was too upset’.

When I first asked if he was texting her still, he sent me a screenshot of all his texts menu, showing no texts apart from three people. Isn't it a bit of a coincidence that he deleted most of his conversations half an hour after I asked if they were still talking? (He didn't know that I had definitely snooped at this point, so presumedly was trying to pretend they didn't text).

He says today that he was texting her because he hated feeling controlled and thought it was like in his first relationship, when he felt completely controlled. I understand this, but wished he could have talked to me about it instead of going behind my back. If I didn’t snoop I have know idea how long it would have gone on for.

I feel devastated that he’s broken a promise like this and kept something from me that he knew I’d feel hurt by.

How bad is this? I feel like I can’t trust him at all, but I’ve completely fallen for him. If it’s just his impulse not to be controlled, I could deal with that eventually, but I just don’t know how to make peace with the lying and keeping it from me. He said he’ll do anything to help me trust him again and says he’s so sorry (after an hour of talking where he minimised and didn’t really say sorry.)

I think this has been really long, sorry. I’d be really grateful for any advice, even though I know this isn’t nearly as bad as some posters’ experience on here… thank you

Xales Wed 09-Oct-13 20:07:49

16 weeks you already have had lots of ups and down and serious problems.

What is the problem with him staying in contact with an ex if it is not romantic? He has had a controlling girlfriend in the past and you are already snooping on his phone and telling him who he cannot contact.

I can't see it getting better.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Oct-13 20:14:00

< fingers in ears >

< la la la >

Whocansay Wed 09-Oct-13 20:32:59

Er, I may be missing something, but from the way I read it:

1) You have invaded his privacy and broken his trust.
2) You are telling him who he can and can't see.

I'm sorry, but he is not the one with the problem. I can't see that he's done anything wrong. This is all about your insecurities. You sound massively controlling and I'd tell him to run for the hills.

Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 20:45:08

He broke my trust by talking to her when he'd promised he wouldn't. I didn't make him promise. I was upset when the texts came at 3am in the morning when we were in bed together, and he promised to not talk to her for a while. I didn't make him promise, he promised it because he knew how uncomfortable it made me.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 09-Oct-13 21:13:09

Have youlistened to all of the people who have asked what you're arguing about at 4 months in and expressing surprise that you are at this stage already

I also agree, after 4 months is he not your P, D or otherwise

humphryscorner Wed 09-Oct-13 21:14:32

op so soon in and trouble all ready sad

I think he is still emotionally connected to her, even if he hasn't actually been seeing her, although it sounds as though they had planned a good bye meet.

Personally I would cut my loses as I think you both will end up with trust issues. Probably not what you want to hear tho.

This should be the start of some thing wonderful rather than having lots of ups and downs at the get go. The fact that she felt able to call him at 3 would have been a red flag straight away.
One of the best things I learnt in my endless relationships was to exit early rather than having a long drawn out battle.

Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 21:14:35

Though honestly, telling myself I'm a controlling bitch is a lot easier to believe.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 09-Oct-13 21:24:28

Why not actually listen to otherpoeple as well. You seem to have selective hearing!!

Junebugjr Wed 09-Oct-13 22:21:51

No wonder his ex was 'controlling', and on his fb/phone etc. He's probably told you a load of shit about her, when he was up to crap like this behind her back.
Look this has flags all over it, trying to put the onus on you for any of his bad behaviour saying your controlling, lying, making you feel bad and guilty. Not many women would be happy with a boyfriend still regularly texting a recent ex.
Knock it on the head, get some counselling about for your past, and maybe a course on healthy relationships and how they function. If he's like this 4 months in, when its all fun, imagine what crap you'll have to put up with in a year, while getting told your controlling and nuts.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Oct-13 22:26:13

We are talking to the hand, folks

JaceyBee Thu 10-Oct-13 00:10:41

'I have suffered from depression/anxiety and so can get upset, go quiet, don’t talk, and generally need a bit of support. I also had quite a bad childhood, and therefore get scared in arguments easily and flinch and shut down if there’s any sign of aggression.'

This is the crux of the matter IMO. It is not healthy relationship behaviour to require 'a lot of support' from a bf of only 4 months. Neither is it fair to 'go quiet, shut down, don't talk' to someone if you have an issue with them. (I'm not saying it's not understandable btw, just v unhelpful). You do come across and very needy and dependent and I'm not surprised you're having relationship issues already if this typical of how you relate to partners. I am not meaning to sound harsh and am coming from a place of compassion and empathy but I really think the best thing you could do for yourself now would be to forget about dating for a while and get your depression/anxiety treated with therapy, build up your self esteem and learn healthier interpersonal skills.

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 01:05:43

I don't go quiet if I have an issue with him - that would be unfair and I definitely wouldn't do that. What I mean is when I have a particularly down mood, I don't tend to talk much, though I do tell him that's what I'm feeling. I'll admit that if he shouted at me/made me feel threatened, then I probably would shut down completely, but then I wouldn't be with him if he did that.

Thank you for being honest and compassionate at the same time JaceyBee, I really appreciate it. And to everyone else who's been gentle but given good advice. I have been listening, but I've had crap Internet tonight so it's taken about 20 minutes to post something. I know that it's frustrating to see people reject advice given on here, but it's so much harder when it's your own life.

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 01:08:52

Overall the relationship is wonderful, we've shared a lot together and share the same values. I try and force myself to remember it's only been four months, but it's hard when things happen so quickly. I am not the sort to marry/have children with someone in a rush though, there's no risk of that. It's just the feelings I have trouble containing

Spree Thu 10-Oct-13 01:15:55

I'm coming to the end of a 23 year relationship with a man who sounds just like this.

Echoing everybody else who has said it .... Run!!!!!!!!

If I had known what I know now and was 4 months into a relationship like this, I'd run and not look back.

Spree Thu 10-Oct-13 01:17:41

And IME, people who accuse others of controlling are often the controllers themselves, albeit manipulatively, slyly so

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 01:24:26

Which bits sound like him, can I ask? I know what you mean about those who say others are controlling...that was my first thought too. But in retrospect, I did effectively ban him from taking to his ex, even if indirectly. Is there any case where you can say 'I don't want you to talk to her/him' without it being controlling, or is it a sign generally that the relationship is doomed? I just wanted a bit of respect at the beginning of the relationship, not to ban him from talking to someone forever.

Twiddlebum Thu 10-Oct-13 01:27:36

I normally get annoyed on mumsnet because people on here are so quick to say LTB when in my opinion things could be fix but in this case I honestly think you need to get out now!!

It sounds like they weren't 'official' because she wasn't into him as much as he was so wanted to keep options open. It wasn't until you were on the scene that she has changed her mind. If he has got feelings for her (and it sounds like he has) then your relationship is doomed) it is always going to be lurking in the background!!
Sounds very Diana, Charles and camilla to me and we all know how that ended!! Sorry, big hugs hmm

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 01:37:15

Thank you for your reply twiddlebum. I think you're right about her changing her mind once he was no longer available. You want what you can't have etc.. The texts had nothing romantic from his side whatsoever, which is what calms me a bit, and he said when we met that he was seeing someone but there was no real spark/chemistry, and that it kept going for long because they have so much in common (career wise mainly) and he thought that might be enough. Obviously now it plays on my mind that maybe he does still like her, and that's why he continued to talk to her, but he honestly gives me any reason generally to doubt his feelings for me - we talk a lot, see each other a lot, and he's all over me in terms of sex (sorry if tmi). It seems to me that he continued to talk to her because he was mainly friends with her rather than romantic (they never slept together, and he's said that consistently even when we first met when there would be no reason to say that)...and of course because he couldn't stand to be controlled. Which still doesn't make it excusable, but at least that would mean there are no romantic feelings there.

Sorry I know I've ranted loads on here, it helps to write down what I'm thinking, even if it sounds as though I'm only trying to convince myself sad

Bogeyface Thu 10-Oct-13 01:42:28

You are trying to save a marriage, after 4 months of dating.

Nothing is worth this amount of effort after 17 weeks, it just isnt.

You two are not right for each other, better to accept that now than enrol into a world of hurt.

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 01:44:12

*honestly doesn't give me any reason generally to doubt...

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 01:51:05

I know I've been investing too much into this relationship too early... I've told him I need space and to think. We definitely need to spend more time making sure we can deal with our problems individually. It's obvious things can't carry on as they are, it's too much for both of us

Twiddlebum Thu 10-Oct-13 01:57:36

Why had they never slept together??? Sounds like she was stringing him along because she liked the company but never really fancied him. Now she's changed her mind..... I would be really worried about what would happen when they meet.

MiniMonty Thu 10-Oct-13 02:07:28

Eavesdroppers never hear well of themselves.
Fool to look and fool to hungry be now.

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 02:07:36

Yeah that's exactly what I've thought as well, stringing him along. Apart from this texting, even if only friendly, he hasn't given me any reason to think he's not happy with me and would want anything with anyone else.. But i know I'm never going to know for sure that nothing will happen between them(and wouldn't want to constantly spy on him to find that out anyway)..

JustBecauseICan Thu 10-Oct-13 06:40:26

You believe all this about them not being official, only ever dating, never having sex etc.......why?

You blame yourself for the issues in your fledgling relationship.....why?

Everything is wonderful because you have so much in common. No chick, everything is wonderful (except it clearly isn't) because it's a new relationship.

And please, never fall for the "look here's my phone, read my messages, no password, facebook transparency" shite.

Have you checked his other FB account? His deleted messages?

Exactly.

You are already in a mess in this relationship, seriously, cut your losses and scram.

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