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lack of sex and fed up he's never made me orgasm

(82 Posts)
namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 14:45:48

Im a long time poster. New name change for this.

Im going to be sketchy with details as I know DP occasionally looks at MN.

Im in my mid 20s ahem maybe a little older DP is a few years older.

We have some children, young (pre school age)

Been togther less than a decade and not married.

Im fed the fuck up with the shit shit sex.

He has NEVER given me an orgasm. Every time we have sex its the same script as it were, however I may try to change things etc it always ends up with the same finale.
its like fucking a virgin every time, Ive tried telling him what turns me on - what feels good, Ive moved his hands, fingers etc ive bloody shown him what works but he has the attention span of a nano second and as soon as I make one moan of pleasure he stops what hes doing(talking about foreplay) and tries to ram his member in me.

I had a 3rd degree tear - i dont particullarly like being shagged this way, it hurts, it pulls, if im not turned on or we dont use lube i feel bruised and sore afterwards - and some times genuinely like im being ripped. hes clumsy with me and fumbles around blindly.

He greatly receives oral sex often, 2/3 times a week but hardly ever returns the "pleasure" maybe once every 2 months? even then he bassically just acts like hes licking ice cream from the bottle of a bowl and stops after about 30 seconds and then moves onto penetration. Theres no rythym no passion hes just rough and uncoordinated.

Ive stopped being tollerent, ive stopped caring, ive started to get angry and bitter towards him and i resent his pleasure. Which has resulted in me bassically causing an argument during sex (which i initiate) and me sleeping else where and there being no happy ending for either of us.

Tell me oh wise ones. What do i do?

Apart from sex we get on fantastically, we laugh we have fun hes a fab dad & works hard and I love him very much but at the moment Id rather not bother having sex, then im accutely aware then we are just like two friends living together.

Im not prepared to be celebate. HELP

Offred Wed 09-Oct-13 19:30:23

My ex wasnt happy with sex that hurt me but still willing to have sex on me when I wasn't keen.

Everything else, uncommunicative, repressed, inexperienced, selfish lover sounds just like the husband I have just left. Got to the point I had to be drunk to have sex and the last time even with the booze I felt ill and knew I had to leave.

Offred Wed 09-Oct-13 19:33:37

Don't think it was nasty misogyny although my ex definitely has a fair amount, although he would deny it. It was purely just the repression and lack of communication is so deeply ingrained that he is incapable of sharing anything, sex, chit chat, thoughts, love anything. He's entirely self involved and finds it very difficult to internalise anything external.

Offred Wed 09-Oct-13 19:35:10

(Or externalise anything external or do anything for the benefit of someone other than him)

Offred Wed 09-Oct-13 19:38:43

(Or externalise anything internal or do anything for the benefit of someone other than him)

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 20:26:37

So what do I do?

Write him a letter?

Offred Wed 09-Oct-13 20:37:05

I have just sat a law final (3 hours - grim) and have drunk half a bottle of wine on an empty stomach so forgive me if I am blunt/appear flippant, but, I think you leave...

Honestly, you have communicated reasonably and effectively and he has not listened, why he has not listened does not matter. Basic fact is he is not fulfilling one of your fundamental needs and I think the way you describe his behaviour indicates he has no concern or respect for you and will be unwilling even if he is also unable to bring himself to change (like my h).

Am I making sense?

Unsure... Ha.

RaspberryRuffle Wed 09-Oct-13 22:05:10

Get an appointment with a sex therapist.
Stop giving him blow jobs. You say you like doing it - fine - but you don't seem to get anything else you like sexually so it won't make a big difference (to you).
I don't normally advocate withholding sex BUT you have to give him a taste of his own medicine, as it appears that he has no experience of what it's like to be so frustrated.

If he can get over his emotionally repressed upbringing enough to stick his 'member' in you without making sure you are turned on, but not overcome it to give you pleasure, I think he just sounds like a selfish wanker tbh.

Junebugjr Wed 09-Oct-13 22:06:58

This sounds awful for you OP.

Tell him straight, he either improves and has more consideration for your needs or you stop having sex with him and get a proper shagging elsewhere grin. He sounds selfish and pig headed. The onus shouldn't be on you here, HE is the one with the problem.
I would show him your OP, maybe he needs seeing it in black and white, then everytime he tries pulling a fast one on you, get up and walk out of the bedroom. Did this on one of my ex's, although I eventually got fed up of having to have a tantrum to have proper sex an went elsewhere.

Junebugjr Wed 09-Oct-13 22:08:56

Oh yes, and no bloody blow jobs, until he improves drastically!

FlatsInDagenham Wed 09-Oct-13 23:08:31

Does he actually know that he hasn't given you an orgasm?

If not, why not? Have you been faking it? Or is he very ignorant?

If he does know, then I would seriously question his love and respect for you - especially in light of his answer to your question about what would make your sex life better.

It's a real conundrem this one - a person that selfish in bed must be selfish in other areas of life too - yet you say otherwise confused.

A letter might get the discussion going. But he may well just repeat his childish tantrum then go back to normal.

How about buying a couple of decent books - sex manuals such as the good old joy of sex - and reading them in bed, showing him bits, reading bits out etc.?

LongDarkTeatime Thu 10-Oct-13 00:06:48

I've been in a relationship for over 10 yrs. Sex has never been great and no orgasms (spectacular with past guys) but he's a great guy. He's never had a huge sex drive and never seemed to hold on to what I tried to teach him to do ... or even to listen very much. Then when I was pregnant found out he was seeing to himself the whole time with a major porn habit. The penny dropped & all made sense.
We've talked it through as much as he's able. He's even gone to a counsellor (no idea what they talked about). I let him know my needs and have now not had any sex in over a year ... arrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Not sure what use this'll be for you ... probably me just venting ... but I understand not wanting to leave. Life is more than just sex ... but bloody hell sex is an important part.

BinarySolo Thu 10-Oct-13 06:57:10

It's very worrying that you've spelt out want you want from him and he's ignored it. Even more worrying is that he has sex with you in a way that causes you pain. If he genuinely is ok in all other areas of your relationship then I think he needs some sort of sex therapy/counselling.

namehopping Thu 10-Oct-13 07:26:52

I just tried. I told him that I'm being let down (he did some thing trivial this morning that just shows how selfish he is towards me) and his reply

I'm sorry i have nothing left to give etc

JaceyBee Thu 10-Oct-13 07:35:53

It sounds as though he's reasonable enough to have an amicable co-parenting relationship with you if you split up, how would you feel about suggesting a trial separation and see how you get on? It really doesn't sound as though he's going to improve and actually it doesn't sound as though he's even that bothered. It's not like you're asking for the moon on a stick! Just for him to please you in bed in a way that you're trying your best to encourage him to do.

ithaka Thu 10-Oct-13 07:37:54

OP - has the sex ever been good, or has he always been shit in bed?

If it used to be better, then I think there is hope for you both. If he has always been clueless, I would be less optimistic.

On a general note, it does demonstrate how much better it is to sleep with someone before you commit rather than have to marry as a virgin. I know it may not have helped in this case, but maybe other people reading will think on. If the sex is crap, it is not a small thing and not worth overlooking because someone 'works hard' and you 'get on with them fantastically'.

Longdarkteatime if your OH is choosing porn over sharing intimacy and pleasure with you, it is not just about sex, I am afraid.

mumtosome61 Thu 10-Oct-13 07:50:40

I had an ex which absolutely refused to listen to any of my hints (and then obvious requests) when it came to sex. He just rammed it in, and expected me to pleasure him. It was a nightmare, so I sympathise.

To be honest, if he's able to hold this position of authority work wise and able to fend for himself if you're not about, it isn't because he is unaware of the situation - it's that he is absolutely content in the knowledge he is being pleasured and can't see beyond that - I'm reluctant to say he doesn't care, because I don't know him or you, but if you've told him repeatedly that you don't want this, or you'd like that, I'm really at a loss.

This may be a bit of a controversial question so please don't answer unless you want to - do you feel that if you withheld sex (taking the fact you want pleasurable sex out of the equation for now) owing to the fact he isn't pleasuring you, he would go elsewhere? Or the relationship would end?

I think what I'm trying to say is that are you comfortable with withholding sex for a period of time without the threat of something bad happening? I can't see him changing - and the only thing I can wonder is if you stopped completely for a bit, he may clue on; rather than giving into him (even if you enjoy it, etc).

ithaka Thu 10-Oct-13 07:58:00

Think further, I do think the fact he enjoys getting BJs from you 2 or 3 times a week is a major red flag. My DH would not like that, as he enjoys giving me pleasure as much as he likes receiving it - driving me wild is a massive turn on for him.

Actually, and this goes against perceived wisdom, at least 2 of my previous partners were not especially keen on BJs. They found them a bit distant & wanted me to share the pleasure for the big moment.

It sounds like he is just selfish in bed, and perhaps out of bed too.

I'm sorry I have nothing else to give.

Answer: Well honey you know what neither do I.

If I were you I would write a letter, stressing how bad its making you feel, that you are thinking being single would be better than this -"proximity without intimacy is hell, etc, etc," but say that you want to go on a journey together, you love him, blah, blah and together you can do it.

The blow jobs have got to stop though! If I was getting great oral sex three times a week, I would consider that all was well - and anything I heard to the contrary would be white noise.

If he doesn't get how selfish he is being after that, well....

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 08:20:06

Nothing else to give... he means 'this is as good as I get' or possibly more accurately 'this is as good as I'm prepared to get'. That doesn't offer very much in the way of hope. Sorry.

Lazyjaney Thu 10-Oct-13 08:23:40

IMO it's impossible for most people to maintain a relationship for a long time if the sex is crap or non existent, so for you it's probably just a matter of time OP.

I know the MN mantra is to split and find your soul mate later, but in my observation what the vast majority of people actually do is have affairs or find their next partner while with their current one.

Thants Thu 10-Oct-13 08:36:45

He isn't asking you if you want to have penetrative sex and knows it hurts you. That's abusive. I also experience pain during sex and if my partner acted like yours does I would consider leaving. Putting his sexual pleasure over your pain is scary.

namehopping Thu 10-Oct-13 09:03:43

I shall write a letter.

He was really pissed off this morning. It's so impossible to talk to him without him getting like this.

Ban penetration. only 69 or mutual masturbation, if he stops so do you

Offred Thu 10-Oct-13 09:29:02

Yes mine was/is like that too, impossible to talk to because he could not listen to what he thought was criticism, turned it around onto me in some passive aggressive way. When I said I felt upset because I felt he ran away to work after the twins were born and didn't care that I couldn't cope (twins failed to thrive, had feeding probs and I had a 3 and 4 year old too) his answer was "well I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown" I was taken aback and felt sorry for him that I hadn't noticed and then realised actually that it couldn't be true, I'm good at compartmentalising and I'm good at saving putting my feelings aside till it is safe to deal with them but I know that people "on the verge of a nervous breakdown" are not able to manage as normal without showing any signs of it. I reckon he was just saying it to minimise my valid feelings of being hurt and shut me up. He does this often.

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