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lack of sex and fed up he's never made me orgasm

(82 Posts)
namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 14:45:48

Im a long time poster. New name change for this.

Im going to be sketchy with details as I know DP occasionally looks at MN.

Im in my mid 20s ahem maybe a little older DP is a few years older.

We have some children, young (pre school age)

Been togther less than a decade and not married.

Im fed the fuck up with the shit shit sex.

He has NEVER given me an orgasm. Every time we have sex its the same script as it were, however I may try to change things etc it always ends up with the same finale.
its like fucking a virgin every time, Ive tried telling him what turns me on - what feels good, Ive moved his hands, fingers etc ive bloody shown him what works but he has the attention span of a nano second and as soon as I make one moan of pleasure he stops what hes doing(talking about foreplay) and tries to ram his member in me.

I had a 3rd degree tear - i dont particullarly like being shagged this way, it hurts, it pulls, if im not turned on or we dont use lube i feel bruised and sore afterwards - and some times genuinely like im being ripped. hes clumsy with me and fumbles around blindly.

He greatly receives oral sex often, 2/3 times a week but hardly ever returns the "pleasure" maybe once every 2 months? even then he bassically just acts like hes licking ice cream from the bottle of a bowl and stops after about 30 seconds and then moves onto penetration. Theres no rythym no passion hes just rough and uncoordinated.

Ive stopped being tollerent, ive stopped caring, ive started to get angry and bitter towards him and i resent his pleasure. Which has resulted in me bassically causing an argument during sex (which i initiate) and me sleeping else where and there being no happy ending for either of us.

Tell me oh wise ones. What do i do?

Apart from sex we get on fantastically, we laugh we have fun hes a fab dad & works hard and I love him very much but at the moment Id rather not bother having sex, then im accutely aware then we are just like two friends living together.

Im not prepared to be celebate. HELP

HansieMom Wed 09-Oct-13 14:48:49

Wow he is bad at this! Show him the thread??

Bonsoir Wed 09-Oct-13 14:48:54

Why the hell did you commit to him if the sex is so crap?

Dahlen Wed 09-Oct-13 14:50:27

Is everything else really ok in your relationship? Because to me the only conclusion I could draw from your OP is that he's a very selfish lover.

You've explained and demonstrated what you want and he still doesn't get it. Either he's incredibly thick or just doesn't care. The fact that he's willing to take but not give is also just wrong.

But the thing with such selfish behaviour in bed is that it would usually spill out into other areas of the relationship, so I'm a bit at a loss really.

Sorry you're experiencing this though. It must be incredibly frustrating.

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 14:52:27

hes a lovely guy, doesnt know his arse from his elbow domestically but if im not around (and i do make sure i go out and have some "me time" alone) then he copes fine

just dont ask him where his socks are kept etc

proffessionally hes epic, very high powered job good money etc, moving up carer ladder

sorry about typos, sleeping child on me

mistyshouse Wed 09-Oct-13 14:53:41

oh god sorry you are having such bad sex OP. there is honestly not much worse that a shit shag (sorry for crudeness)

your dp sounds quite selfish to me as well, no idea what to suggest if you have tried to tell / show him what you like and he has paid no attention sad

Jan45 Wed 09-Oct-13 15:02:54

OMG, how bad is he, and the cheek, to accept oral 2/3 times a week but yet won't go down on you, oh sorry, once every 2 months???

Sorry but if I was you I'd give him nothing until he starts to treat you with a bit more consideration.

Dahlen Wed 09-Oct-13 15:06:19

If he's capable of holding down a high-powered job he is capable of pulling his weight domestically and learning how to be better in bed.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Oct-13 15:08:58

Wondering if the 'good money' you mention is adequate compensation? It'll have to be because I don't think you've got a hope in hell of changing the man himself.

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 16:02:46

No it's not compensation. To me sex is really important

I've slept with more people than him & whilst i dont have a uber high sex drve i would actually like to have some amazing sex. My sex drive was higher in the past but maybe thats because i was having sex with other people who were good. He acts very much like he'd enjoy lots of different things but he never actually delivers.

I wonder if it will ever be ok.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Oct-13 16:35:20

You sound as though you've gone through most of the recommended methods of improving sexual technique with a partner and, if none of them have had any impact, it's probably because he's quite happy with things exactly as they are. The 'I'm all right Jack' type has little incentive to change. How long have you been together?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Oct-13 16:36:58

Sorry just seen the 'less than a decade'....

AnythingNotEverything Wed 09-Oct-13 16:39:31

He seems to refuse to do the things that you enjoy and penetrates you in a way which causes you pain.

I'd stop any sexual contact until he understands this is a problem.

GladitsnotJustMe Wed 09-Oct-13 16:41:12

Well firstly the oral sex 2-3 times a week would have to go. That kind of thing needs to be earned!!

Once he starts complaining, tell him that when he can give you pleasure, you'll return the favour. Give and take.

Having said that, my ex was utterly rubbish in bed and used to complain that he didn't get it enough. I literally begged him to try and make it better for me and I would be more willing. He couldn't be bothered and the sex remained rubbish. Thank god he walked out on me!

Why oh why would you give this guy blow jobs?

He doesn't give a shit about your pleasure, why on earth are you worried about his?

Mumof3girlys Wed 09-Oct-13 17:03:10

So glad you have posted this, I'm having similar problems!! I'm a single mum of 3 and have a boyfriend (together 2 years) now in the begining we were at it like rabbits and so turned on by each other I could come really easy through sex along, I didn't notice the serious lack of foreplay!! After a few months I did begin to notice and dropped hints etc and like your DP I got the quick 2 second lick!!!

Now as the time has gone on his sex drive had plummeted and I find myself nearly having to beg for sex, I only see parter weekends because of distance/work etc and I find sometimes we can go 2/3 weekends without any sex!

My biggest problem is just how bloody lazy he is not even a kiss let alone foreplay! All I get is either roll over and I will stick it in back if you or if he is hanging from drinking he will ask me to put my stocking on and sit on it ( and I do men's seat on it) no kisses nothing!!!

In the 2 years we have been together I can honestly say he has ventured down there maybe 5 times and then it's for a 2 second lick! I'm just finding sex really hard to enjoy now as I'm never turned on or cum!!!

Like your DP he talks a good game as suggest things but not once as he ever followed through his technique is just shit!

I used to have some amazing sex with my exes!!! Now this sounds really bad but I'm just dying to sit on someone's face ��

I'm watching with intrest to what you decide to do as to be totally honest if things with mine don't change then I think it will finally split us up ��x

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 17:21:13

I like giving oral sex. I like how turned on he is. I enjoy taking him all the way till I know he's about to cum and change tack. He enjoys it. I enjoy it. Sad that giving him head is the most pleasure I get from sex. That's saying some thing!!

He is happy. He says I'm his soul mate. If I ask him what would improve our sexlife he responds "do it more"

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Oct-13 17:27:18

If he's happy with everything except frequency he's really not going to change anything. Tough call OP

JoinTheDots Wed 09-Oct-13 17:28:29

I am sure you have tried everything - from the resignation in your post, this might not be news, but...

When he is giving you the 2 seconds of foreplay before you let out one single moan and he stops so he can get pumping, have you ever just completely cockblocked him and said "oi, not yet, I want more of what you were doing or it is no entry"?

And

Next time he indicates that a blow job might be a nice end to the evening, what would happen if you said you would LOVE to, but not until he has gone down on you first? And no licking up the ice cream thanks... its like this, or you can go have a wank in the bathroom.

If you kind of force him to get into a better routine because he is not getting his way until you get yours - would that help?

It seems a shame to ditch him if this area of the relationship is the only one you want to change. It also seems mad that he cannot change, if he is successful in his career and a decent dad. Just because he can't find his socks should not mean he cannot learn to be a better lover. Surely?

It this is something that is really important to you, I think you need to tell him how important it is, and that if things do not change, you see the relationship ending in a miserable slow break up which you want to avoid.

Would he be open to seeing a sex therapist with you? I have never tried one, but I know other posters have mentioned them as useful...

outragedofsuburbia Wed 09-Oct-13 17:32:22

I don't understand why you let him switch from foreplay to penetration without saying 'no not yet, keeping doing that...(whatever that might be). Surely he would stop if you told him?

Have you told him what you've told us? I mean really spelled it out to him?

If you have, repeatedly, and he hasnt tried, then he's a lost cause.

Darkesteyes Wed 09-Oct-13 17:37:49

Second time at attempting to post #sortitoutMN

He is placating you with words OP . When he says things like you are his soulmate Words are cheap.

Name and mumof your partners are not having sex WITH you They are having sex ON you Treating you like inflatable dolls.

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 18:14:16

Thisisaeuph - yes spelt it out. Loud and clear. He was hurt and sulked and acted like a child. A few weeks passed and I initiated sex. Bingo. Back to old times.

Yes i have said "please don't stop" etc and yet he does any way like he's teasing me for my pleasure. Iykwim

I'm self employed - smal children - volunteer work, keep a pretty good house - we have pets Etc - I'm not in bad shape - I make an effort. I wear nice clothes and I shower daily - look after myself etc - and I'm keen to fuck / make love to my partner. Yet really it seems unless its all for him he doesn't really care two hoots and I'm bored. Oh so bored.

Boredham leads to temptation and I REFUSE to be that person. But just for once it would be nice to be fucking devoured & passionately WANTED by the man that I want and who is supposed to want me. I mean really want
Me. Not want me to put the kids in the bath or pack the dish washer but want me.

Darkesteyes Wed 09-Oct-13 18:23:13

Thisisaeuph - yes spelt it out. Loud and clear. He was hurt and sulked and acted like a child. A few weeks passed and I initiated sex. Bingo. Back to old times.

Then hes a selfish arsehole as well as a manchild. How does he view women in general OP. Does he think that women shouldnt enjoy sex and that those who do are sluts? How does he talk about women when certain subjects come up. The women he works with for example.

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 18:27:00

he doesnt talk about women at work tbh

communication is a probem for him.

he was bought up in a very emotionally repressed religious house hold

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