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Question about sex

(61 Posts)
Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 07:05:49

Just wondering if any of you wise MNetters have any thoughts on this

I have met a lovely man quite recently, a few weeks ago in fact. He has treated me, so far at least the best I've ever been treated by any man. He's kind, sensitive, loving, funny. And I feel very at ease with him but perhaps a little bit of sensible caution thrown in as its early days. We talk for hours about everything and nothing, I thought he was a bit over keen too quickly to begin with, however when I told him this he has shown me he can back off and not force anything. I really feel respected by him

I must add we are not a young couple, middle aged would best describe us. Now to the little issue. Sex. He is gentle, loving and caring but seems to have problems getting an erection sometimes and when he does he won't penetrate me. He says he wants to but he has to feel safe and secure with someone before he can let go. He says he is normally like this at the start of a relationship until he trusts that he's wanted.

This Is all new to me. He's fantastic at everything else it's purely when it comes to penetration. We have only been to bed together twice so I'm hoping it will be ok, he tells me it will

TheCrumpetQueen Tue 08-Oct-13 07:07:18

Sounds reasonable

Boomerwang Tue 08-Oct-13 07:15:38

He sounds incredibly vulnerable right now. If you really think a lot of this guy, put sex away for now. Don't force anything, and don't try to hurry the relationship along to get to the sex. If you're both middle aged, you've probably both had previous relationships which haven't worked out, and surely that will affect what is happening now. When you are in bed do other stuff but make it clear you don't mind if he doesn't get an erection, get it off his mind now before it becomes an issue and makes it even more difficult for you both.

When the time is right go out together one night, get a little tiddly (not too much of course) and give him a lot of your attention, make him feel proud to have you. His confidence will soar.

Talking helps a lot. Not talking about his performance issues, just take an interest in his life so that he becomes more relaxed and trusting with you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Oct-13 07:19:16

You're expected to wait until 'he trusts you want him'? He was over-keen, it's only been a few weeks and now there are conditions on how much you have to want him... hmm You've posted this question because it doesn't sound right and, whilst I'm not seeing anything sinister especially, I would agree

ithaka Tue 08-Oct-13 07:20:17

Your relationship is only a few weeks old. I think it is reasonable to give him a bit more time to relax and trust you a bit. I don't actually think it is all that unusual.

Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 07:21:25

From what he tells me he's been let down badly in the past. Not that he's bad mouthed anyone, it's just come out when we've been talking. He tells me he is incredibly proud of me and respects me so much for the courage I've had in recent years. He said he can't believe his luck and feels he's hit the jackpot with me, I really respect and care about him too and even feel a bit guilty posting here because he would be horrified.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Oct-13 07:24:31

First night nerves I could understand but this stuff about trusting that he's wanted and feeling safe and secure... did he actually say that out loud?.... it's pretty needy.

Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 07:33:32

Is needy always a bad thing? I guess I could be classed as a bit needy too in a way. Having had bad relationships and hitting the time of life when it would be nice to find someone trustworthy and who you feel a bond with

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Oct-13 07:38:31

Needy is a bad thing if you feel obliged to treat the needy person in some special way because you feel sorry for them. I've met too many people who use a sob story or a problem or a 'being let down in the past' as a way to manipulate feelings and keep you on-side. Not saying that's necessarily going on here but you've not known him long and you have to keep your eyes open.

Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 07:55:59

He hasn't harped on about being let down we were just discussing past relationships. In fact him telling me that worked against him slightly as I have been a bit wary in case he still has feelings for ex and he knows this. Although now I don't believe he has really

It was just the sex issue I find confusing. Although I seem to remember my EH had a few issues in this department. He was also quite shy and lacked confidence

ElBombero Tue 08-Oct-13 08:05:08

First thought is that this is a chronic problem however if he tells you that now it might put you off. However of it is that's OK too, lots of medication out there to help x

Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 08:10:31

Yes I have wondered that also Elbombero he is on medication that can cause ED as a side effect. The closest he has got to talking about the actual issue is that he sometimes has problems with it, I think this was when he said about the medication and health issues

Ursula8 Tue 08-Oct-13 08:11:31

For a slightly different take, the fact he won't do PIV sex combined with the fact you have worries about him still being in love with his ex has rung alarm bells for me.
I had an ex who would do anything except penetrative sex with me. Turns out it was because he was still in love with his ex and he felt that it would be disloyal and betraying her.
And yes, dear mumsnetters, he went back to her. Obviously your situation may be very different but you have come here for a wide variety of experiences and opinions I guess.
Hope it turns out OK, but please do remind yourself it has only been a few weeks and he isn't the only man in the whole wide world.

Roshbegosh Tue 08-Oct-13 08:21:37

Is a celibate relationship something you would consider, if it came to it? Some people do settle for the companionship and it is their business but if a full sex life matters to you enough to be a deal breaker then I think he may not be the one.

Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 08:23:55

ursula that has worried me now. Did you ex have problems getting an erection or was it just that he wouldn't penetrate you?

Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 08:25:40

rosh I wouldn't consider it to be celibate as he is fulfilling me in other ways

Crawling Tue 08-Oct-13 08:32:37

I have a ex who had trouble getting a erection and maintaining one mostly because of psychological reasons. He loved me a lot but because of his issues took a while to have sex with me as he was concerned he would lose his erection.

I just showed him I love him very much and put no pressure on and he had hardly any problems in that department with me.

If you want to have a relationship you have to put yourself out there and risk getting hurt. If I was you I'd give him more time.

Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 08:38:00

I am going to give him more time. He just seems such a genuine lovely person. I think cog was right though when she said a bit needy. But so I am quite honestly. All I can go on is the way in which he behave s towards me and up to now he's been lovely

meditrina Tue 08-Oct-13 08:41:58

Your relationship is only a few weeks old.

You've only had sexual contact twice.

Performance anxiety isn't uncommon, and if he had erection problems it can be a real stressor which is likely to take time and burgeoning trust to resolve. He's not necessarily 'setting conditions' to point this out. He must know it's him, not you, and he is stating what he thinks he needs.

You choice is whether, in the light of the rest of this brand new relationship, you are going to believe him. Or not. Either is a reasonable response. The early days of dating, before emotions are deeply engaged, is the time to be assessing continually if the relationship is working for you.

Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 08:45:42

I don't feel he's setting conditions, and yes he's told me its his problem and that it isn't anew thing to him at the start of relationships. I want to give it time because I feel he could be something special in my life.

Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 08:47:06

And I also know for a fact that he has a medical issue would may also impact on this

Dahlen Tue 08-Oct-13 09:05:05

I think it's impossible to tell at this stage. The keenness and ED issues would certainly have me on the alert, but without other issues they aren't necessarily anything to worry about. You can't really judge anything when you've only known him a few weeks. If you really like spending time with him, I'd carry on seeing him but keep things light and don't commit practically or emotionally until you've got a much clearer picture.

Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 09:09:59

dahlen what would the keenness and ED have you on the alert for?

Dahlen Tue 08-Oct-13 09:47:38

When you meet someone new, it's normal to feel that they're the best thing since sliced bread. That's why his keenness isn't anything to worry about in itself. However, the combination of "being let down badly in the past" and "can't believe his luck", "hit the jackpot" etc means you should be watching out for signs that he's putting you on a pedestal. While it's nice to be up there, it always precedes a fall from grace, which isn't so nice as how someone treats you then is how they'll treat you for the rest of your relationship.

His ED is just a medical condition he has to manage and therefore it is up to you whether you're prepared to sign up for that or not in the same way you'd make that decision about any other medical condition that could impact on your relationship. There's no value judgement either way on that when it comes to a new relationship, it's just personal choice. However, it's his statement that he need to be able to "trust that he's wanted" that is potentially bothersome. It's not quite the same as admitting he's nervous and insecure and needs to feel more comfortable before he's able to 'perform' (which is about him). Instead it places the onus on you to provide the right environment for him, so that if he fails to get an erection it could be seen as being your fault for not making him feel desirable enough. Do you see the difference?

He could be a really nice guy who's just a bit bruised from past relationships and doesn't believe in hiding his feelings. Or he could have totally unrealistic expectations of you, which, when you fail to meet them (which you will because you're human) result in you being made to feel it's all your fault and an excuse for him to treat you shoddily.

Hopefully that isn't what's going on here, but after a few weeks it really is impossible to tell.

Longhairedcat Tue 08-Oct-13 09:57:52

Yes I see what you're saying. He has put me on a bit of a pedestal I think. He seems quite besotted and I'm starting to go the same way although its ridiculous. I'm naturally cautious however and always hold something back.

He told me basically that he likes to feel that he's secure and in a relationship before he's able to relax properly. I will just have to wait and see. I think he is very nervous, he was nervous on our first date, visibly so. He couldn't look at me properly for a while and he's since told me it was because when he first saw me he was thought he had no chance and I was out of his league ( it was a blind date)

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